Butterfly

I think I've reached the point of acceptance, accepting that my marriage is over and my ex is an alcoholic and will never change unless he decides it's what he wants and I cant and wont wait living in hope he will. However I still feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness, not the devastating can't cope live without him just sad and tearful most days, but not all day.

Anyway just want to know if this is normal and is this a part of the recovery process??

Thank you

honeypig

I think it is normal, Butterfly. You are likely grieving the loss of your hopes and dreams, and that will take time. You need to heal, and healing is a process, just like recovery.

Maybe these will be helpful for you:
http://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/pd...ner-112011.pdf

http://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/pd...ner-112011.pdf

Butterfly

Thank you honeypig I wasn't sure if it was normal or if I was stuck. Thank you for the links.

Eauchiche

I know this does not apply to everybody, but it is what happened to me:
I was in agony for 9 months, So sad.
Right after Thanksgiving I was at Eucharistic Adoration and Exposition at our church. Please google this if you don't know what it is.
When our pastor came to remove the host from the monstrance at the end of the service, I heard God say to me, "when you come to Adoration, I not only give you things, I take things away."
At that moment all my pain went into the pix with the host, and I watched my pastor carry it away and place it in the Tabernacle. My pain was in there with Jesus.
This was a BIG miracle, and my life has not been the same since.

Butterfly

I've just read the links and they are very helpful and actually that is what I have been thinking about recently my future and how different it will be, how my dreams with my ex have gone and it feels that I have to start all over again, who am I, what will my future be and what do I want for my future and yes I am petrified of spending my life alone (yes I know future tripping).

My dreams of spending my life with my ex in a normal happy and sober marriage are gone, my dream that he would be the one person I could rely on and trust are gone plus all the plans we made for our future!

I am sad and scared!

honeypig

Hugs and more hugs, Butterfly--I am there w/you in that place. Some days better, some days worse. But as time passes, we'll have more good days than bad. We'll make it. Look at all the folks here who've done it. So can we.

Butterfly

Thank you honeypig and yes we will!!

I am glad I've finally began a new phase of my recovery ��

misspriss

Just read your response to my post and I'm sending hugs back to you. You're like me, you already know the answer, sometimes you just need someone to tell you. It'll get better for both of us. Life wasn't meant to be miserable. And we deserve good. Hang in there.

Butterfly

Thank you. We just have to keep getting up every day and getting through the day, at some point we will wake up and realise we haven't hurt in days.

SparkleKitty

It got better for me, with time, patience, and gentleness. I was so scared of being alone at first, but the time I spent alone was some of the best I have ever spent. I wrote a novel, I invested in myself. By the time I met my now-husband, I was ready for a relationship. I wouldn't have been if I met him when I was so scared of being alone. I would have messed that up right quick!

maia1234

Butterfly, Its ok to be scared, look what you are going to be doing. Not something that you want to, but have too.

I know you can do it. I have been divorced for about 2 months now. I was so scared to be alone that I was sick to my stomach. It hurts, physically and mentally. But i am still here to talk about it. All I kept saying to myself was that my A was not ever going to be sober while I was in his life enabling him. So what was I doing staying. I was just "feeding" him the alcohol.

Once i realized that I had to leave to "help" him then things changed. (once again thinking of the other person) I knew what I had to do, and so did "everyone" else around me. So I said I will get the divorce "for him". Then it made it easier for me. Who says you can't get back together. My sil's parents divorced after 40 years of marriage and then remarried after he sobered up. So I do still have hope that my X will come around.

But this way I will be in so much of a "better" situation to "help" him. I will not be living with him "getting" sober, all those issues, the moodiness, and the relapses. This is the way I think and its ok. I am not hurting anyone and I am staying on my side of the street.

But what i am finding is I get a little stronger each day. Realizing that I can stick to my guns about being sober and working a program, "before" we "get" back together (if ever). If this is what gets me by everyday then so be it. My dreams or goals or what ever. My little mental games for me, to do what has to be done. Call me crazy, but it's ok with me.

You can do this, do what you have to do and we will be behind you to pick you up if you fall. (((((((hugs))))))))

Rosalba

Grieving's really healthy, and a sign that you're letting go of something you've lost and will never have again - even though it's very painful to go through. Letting go of a fantasy relationship is just as painful as letting go of a real one, and facing an unknown future is frightening. At first.

When I parted company with my ex, there were times when I'd just feel panic rising in my throat - but then reflected that life without the drama, the constant put-downs and sense of dread was actually preferable to life with him.

I've found the Alanon slogan "This, too, shall pass" when facing bad days.

Huge hugs, and let yourself know this is all part of the process and the first steps to a new life.

Butterfly

Thank you it really does help to know it's normal and all your support and encouragement is so very much appreciated.

NYCDoglvr

Of course ... acceptance includes all kinds of feelings. But they pass and that they do is a sign of recovery.

Rosalba

I recall going to see a therapist, saying that I was in a lot of emotional pain; as old tensions were released, I ached slightly all over and was having weirdly disturbing dreams.

He sat there smiling, and said "All sounds very healthy to me!"

In the longer term he was proved right. Doesn't stop it feeling like doo-doo at the time though!

xxx

Butterfly

I think that maybe because I have recently started to process my own feelings about my marriage and situations that happened i will feel sadder, as hard as it is to remember things I had buried deep it is actually good to get it all out

Butterfly

I've been having splitting headaches daily, I must be thinking too much lol

FireSprite

I agree with pretty much everything that's been said. Totally normal & I think what's great is when you purge through the worst of those grieving emotions & open up all that space for new, healthier things in our lives. (like sparklekitty said)

Your headaches may just be a physical manifestation of your emotions right now - I used to get raging headaches EXACTLY like that & they were easily the worst headaches I've ever suffered. (& I've been through horrendous migraines since age 10, tension headaches, etc. It's my 'Achilles heal'.)

Truly inspirational, thank you for sharing!

Hawkeye13

How about a walk on the beach today Butterfly.

You can yell at the sea and get some fresh air and finish it all up with a gentle cry.

I did that a lot when I lived in Ireland.
You've a great sea for tears and anger--
vast and gray with angry breakers in so many places.

You might catch a glimpse of those mountains on the way home.
I think you are really moving forward fast now, and I'm sorry you had to suffer so.

Butterfly

Hi Hawkeye, the beaches here are beautiful and yes perfect for tears and anger. I met a friend for a cuppa and a bit of retail therapy, very relaxing but I think the beach will be next weekend for sure!!

Thank you