4 years post divorce... he's gone
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
4 years post divorce... he's gone
So I mostly lurk around these parts now, as my life really has achieved serenity. (Well, you know, as serene as it could be!) I divorced my XAH a little over 4 years ago. Paid 4 years of alimony. Did a lot of healing. Found love, and am now engaged to a lovely drama-free man. (Who happens to be ACOA, so he gets it.)
I last talked to my XAH about 18 months ago. I'd been paying his COBRA, and the company was changing. I called his mother so I could pass along to refill his prescriptions ASAP as he'd be getting a new card. I'd been pretty much no contact since the divorce as we didn't have any children and I could cut ties pretty easily.
He answered. We talked. It was awkward, but not terrible. It was clear that he had been working the steps, and said he'd been sober for about 7 months, but before that had lost his license to DWI, and been to an intensive year-long rehab. He was back home, but had a lot of health problems, most of which developed due to his drinking. Ok, all of which. But he was pretty damn unlucky. Every complication possible, he developed. But he was in a better place mentally. He did bring up Step 9, apologized, and I forgave him. I told him that he wasn't a bad person, and that I didn't hate him for what happened, and wished him well.
Apparently, he lost his battle new years eve and died. He was only 36.
I found out though a mutual friend, and I'm sure it wasn't a message intended for me. Regardless, it's a small world, and his parents live a mile from my parents, so it was only a matter of time. I know his family is hurting. I sent condolences through his cousin, who is the only one I really kept in contact with. But his family are lovely people, and didn't deserve this. Nor did he. I know he was in very poor health and had been in and out of the hospital, but I do hope he didn't suffer. Although yes, he did suffer. Maybe it's better that it's over?
I am not really sure how to feel. I grieved the man he was, and our marriage, and our 16 years together a long time ago. But it's a really, really weird feeling.
I guess I'm not looking for advice. I imagine that there isn't really a *right* way to feel. I mean, I wished he'd drop dead while we were still married many a time, but I didn't really mean it. It's just... sad.
I last talked to my XAH about 18 months ago. I'd been paying his COBRA, and the company was changing. I called his mother so I could pass along to refill his prescriptions ASAP as he'd be getting a new card. I'd been pretty much no contact since the divorce as we didn't have any children and I could cut ties pretty easily.
He answered. We talked. It was awkward, but not terrible. It was clear that he had been working the steps, and said he'd been sober for about 7 months, but before that had lost his license to DWI, and been to an intensive year-long rehab. He was back home, but had a lot of health problems, most of which developed due to his drinking. Ok, all of which. But he was pretty damn unlucky. Every complication possible, he developed. But he was in a better place mentally. He did bring up Step 9, apologized, and I forgave him. I told him that he wasn't a bad person, and that I didn't hate him for what happened, and wished him well.
Apparently, he lost his battle new years eve and died. He was only 36.
I found out though a mutual friend, and I'm sure it wasn't a message intended for me. Regardless, it's a small world, and his parents live a mile from my parents, so it was only a matter of time. I know his family is hurting. I sent condolences through his cousin, who is the only one I really kept in contact with. But his family are lovely people, and didn't deserve this. Nor did he. I know he was in very poor health and had been in and out of the hospital, but I do hope he didn't suffer. Although yes, he did suffer. Maybe it's better that it's over?
I am not really sure how to feel. I grieved the man he was, and our marriage, and our 16 years together a long time ago. But it's a really, really weird feeling.
I guess I'm not looking for advice. I imagine that there isn't really a *right* way to feel. I mean, I wished he'd drop dead while we were still married many a time, but I didn't really mean it. It's just... sad.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
So sorry to hear that DMC and I can completely relate to feeling numb and not sure how to feel; I learned very recently that my XABF committed suicide and it was like I was almost paralyzed and clueless.
Just give yourself time to process it and there is really no right or wrong way to feel.
It is ok to cry too.
My condolences
Just give yourself time to process it and there is really no right or wrong way to feel.
It is ok to cry too.
My condolences
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I am so, so sorry for your loss. My brother died this time last year due to his alcoholism (and subsequent homelessness). A cold night in Florida was enough to take him as he slept in a sleeping bag in a park. He's at peace now but god, the hurt. The hurt, the relief, the numbness. I don't think anyone can understand it until you've been in the unique position of loving an A. Let the grief do what it does. It's ok to mourn. It's ok to cry. We're here for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Yes, it is so sad, DMC, and I'm so sorry for the loss. Good to know that your last interaction with him was peaceful and that he was able to make amends and you were able to wish him well. That's a blessing.
Thanks for updating us, and it's so good to hear that you've found your peaceful slice of life.
Thanks for updating us, and it's so good to hear that you've found your peaceful slice of life.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Even though he was an Ex, you stayed connected to him as much as he allowed you to. Your story just goes to prove that there are no winners with this disease.
Please keep coming back, and EVERY happiness with your new relationship!
Please keep coming back, and EVERY happiness with your new relationship!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I am so sorry for this loss. I know the awkwardness too. My first husband suffered addictions. Two years... the date that my restraining order against him lifted, he showed up at my job. I immediately left to go hide. He was pretty scary. Two weeks later I received a call that they had found him dead in his van in a neighboring city. The autopsy was inconclusive but they speculated an overdose on pills. And they said his body must have been there for about two weeks before he was found. I felt shocked, sad, relieved, and even a little guilty. It's all normal... Many blessings your way!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
DMC-
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am coming up this week on four years from my divorce and I really appreciate that you posted about your grief around this. I can relate to so much of what you wrote.
Thinking of you.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am coming up this week on four years from my divorce and I really appreciate that you posted about your grief around this. I can relate to so much of what you wrote.
Thinking of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
It's just really weird.
I feel a little sad, but mostly don't feel much at all.
They say that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And yes I'm sad for his family, but mostly it was just a waste of what could have been a brilliant life. Stupid disease. I knew he wasn't going to last long, and part of me is surprised he made it this long, part of me is still shocked.
The last pictures of him I saw were from over a year ago, and he was utterly emaciated... I hope his family finds peace.
I feel a little sad, but mostly don't feel much at all.
They say that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And yes I'm sad for his family, but mostly it was just a waste of what could have been a brilliant life. Stupid disease. I knew he wasn't going to last long, and part of me is surprised he made it this long, part of me is still shocked.
The last pictures of him I saw were from over a year ago, and he was utterly emaciated... I hope his family finds peace.
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