teendoc

Hi Everyone,

Isn't it just like a person to do something and then get feedback on whether it was the right thing to do?

In our marital repair contract, one of my AH responsibilities is to develop a hobby, something that does not involve the computer/internet or his usual addictions. He's been thinking about this for a bit and has expressed an interest in learning or getting involved with something that involves building or repairing things since he is interested in how things work. He's a natural engineer.

Today I went online and saw an interesting beginning robotics kit that I thought he would like. (He's not allowed, and doesn't allow himself, online for this type of browsing because of his internet addiction). So I ordered the kit and a soldering iron kit because I thought he would like it.

Now prior to my attending Al-Anon and S-Anon, I would have thought that this was just a nice thing to do for my spouse. Now as a newbie in codependency recovery, I'm wondering whether I did the wrong thing here. I feel as though I have to be so hands off that I can't even buy gifts for my spouse.

I'm not invested in his liking the kit and if he wants to send it back, it wouldn't bother me. I just thought that it might be a something fun that he wouldn't have come across in his day-to-day life.

So, did I cross the codie line?

splendra

no you did not a girl is allowed to give to her guy....

Magichappens

Sounds like a loving and thoughtful thing. If there is any codie in it, you will know soon, but I don't get that codie vibe from your post. Hugs, Magic

smoke gets in my eyes

Was it codie? The answer is yes if the answer to any of these is yes.

Did you do something for him he ought to be doing for himself?

Did you decide to help him along because he wasn't finding a hobby fast enough to suit you or because you doubt his ability to choose well?

Did you go online looking for a solution to his hobby quandry?

Yes, you can buy your guy a present. But if you're trying to guide or hasten his recovery with your present you're compromising your own. I used to buy Dino recovery books. Then I went through a couple of layers of less overt attempts at fixing him with gifities. They were just gifties. Like things he'd need for the job I wanted him to get. Now I buy him Packers memorabilia. There is absolutely no insinuation in Packers memorabilia except that I'd like to see him smile.

It's not a huge thing... but it's not letting go. :wink2:

Hugs,
Smoke

teendoc

Quote:

Did you do something for him he ought to be doing for himself?

Did you decide to help him along because he wasn't finding a hobby fast enough to suit you or because you doubt his ability to choose well?

Did you go online looking for a solution to his hobby quandry?

Now this is such a sticky wicket. Yes, he should be finding his own hobby but again based on what he has said to me in the past, I thought that this little robotic kit might be fun for him to do. I did go online thinking that he'd probably enjoy an electronics kit but has no access to the internet, so I can look and see if there is anything that would be cool for a beginner. Maybe I was being codie. You can just question yourself 15 million times about what your actual motives were.

When I told him that I had bought him a present that I thought he would like, he was very excited.

Gosh, I don't think I was being codie, but maybe I'm deluding myself...

dax

You know I think a lot of time is wasted if you have to disect every action you take. Will the world fall apart if you do a little ' codie' thing. NO. Life is too short. Go with you feelings at times. You are on the road to recovery. A codiE slip is no big thing. I dislike the term anyway. dax