I know I'm not the only one...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
I know I'm not the only one...
...but I just need someone to tell me that it's OK to end my marriage. AH refuses to go to counseling, says he "doesn't have a problem" but continues to hide hard liquor around the house, then act like I'm insane when I find the empty bottles (yeah, right, that empty 1/5th of vodka has 'been there since last summer', or that jar of moonshine is "an empty you wanted to use as a water jar"...); he drinks on the 'sly' then tells me he hasn't been drinking when I ask him why he's acting funny or smells like booze...I'm not dumb nor crazy but boy do I sure feel like it.
Meanwhile, I spent $300 on his Christmas presents & he bought/made...NOTHING, for me or for our 2 month old son. Because he "had no money". He never "has any money", at least for important things like, you know-rent, car insurance, diapers, formula...
He had some sort of argument or upsetting discussion with his father last night, came home & immediately booby-trapped me into an argument about bringing the baby to his dad's house (I don't like to nor want to, since FIL is a chainsmoker who smokes in their attached garage with the door leading into the house wide open...not good for babies). He had obviously either snuck booze from somewhere it was hidden, or had started drinking at his dad's, because he was well on his way to wasted.
So much for his Christmas promise that he wouldn't get drunk, call names, yell or make me feel like **** about myself anymore.
I can't stop crying & don't want to be around anyone, let alone "keep trying", "stay positive" or "show him that we're a team" anymore. I've tried everything & he doesn't have the slightest interest in any of it.
I look at my baby son & know that he deserves better. He deserves more than Mommy trying to play with him but failing because she's too sad. He deserves better than Daddy being an alcoholic, emotionally-abusive ******* who treats the dog better than he treats Mommy.
I would rather go it alone than subject my son to growing up hearing arguments, craziness, bizarre behavior (my H's response to my telling him I was packing the baby's overnight bag & leaving was to lie on the bed-not making this up-making animal noises at me & mocking me by saying things like, "Oh yeah, just keep crying...wah, wah, wah."...how old are we, 12??), lies & manipulation.
I just need someone to tell me that after over a year of this kind of behavior being repeated & worse, it's OK to throw in the towel. That my son & I will both be not just OK, but better off for it. That it's not worth sticking around because he "might improve" & because he "loves the baby"-if he really loved either of us he would NOT put us through this.
I just need someone to tell me it's OK to walk away.
Meanwhile, I spent $300 on his Christmas presents & he bought/made...NOTHING, for me or for our 2 month old son. Because he "had no money". He never "has any money", at least for important things like, you know-rent, car insurance, diapers, formula...
He had some sort of argument or upsetting discussion with his father last night, came home & immediately booby-trapped me into an argument about bringing the baby to his dad's house (I don't like to nor want to, since FIL is a chainsmoker who smokes in their attached garage with the door leading into the house wide open...not good for babies). He had obviously either snuck booze from somewhere it was hidden, or had started drinking at his dad's, because he was well on his way to wasted.
So much for his Christmas promise that he wouldn't get drunk, call names, yell or make me feel like **** about myself anymore.
I can't stop crying & don't want to be around anyone, let alone "keep trying", "stay positive" or "show him that we're a team" anymore. I've tried everything & he doesn't have the slightest interest in any of it.
I look at my baby son & know that he deserves better. He deserves more than Mommy trying to play with him but failing because she's too sad. He deserves better than Daddy being an alcoholic, emotionally-abusive ******* who treats the dog better than he treats Mommy.
I would rather go it alone than subject my son to growing up hearing arguments, craziness, bizarre behavior (my H's response to my telling him I was packing the baby's overnight bag & leaving was to lie on the bed-not making this up-making animal noises at me & mocking me by saying things like, "Oh yeah, just keep crying...wah, wah, wah."...how old are we, 12??), lies & manipulation.
I just need someone to tell me that after over a year of this kind of behavior being repeated & worse, it's OK to throw in the towel. That my son & I will both be not just OK, but better off for it. That it's not worth sticking around because he "might improve" & because he "loves the baby"-if he really loved either of us he would NOT put us through this.
I just need someone to tell me it's OK to walk away.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh honey, you don't need anyone to tell you this. Of course it's OK to walk away.
He is an alcoholic in complete denial. Normal drinkers don't have to hide it.
You deserve more, so does your sweet baby. I encourage you to have a solid plan in place before you pull the trigger. Do you have good family support from your side? Plan for no support from his side as blood is always thicker than water.
Tight, tight hugs. Take good care of you and your little!
He is an alcoholic in complete denial. Normal drinkers don't have to hide it.
You deserve more, so does your sweet baby. I encourage you to have a solid plan in place before you pull the trigger. Do you have good family support from your side? Plan for no support from his side as blood is always thicker than water.
Tight, tight hugs. Take good care of you and your little!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You've got MY ok. But really, all you need is your own.
I do agree, though, with hopeful, that you need a plan in place. Have you talked with a lawyer yet? Do you have a place where you and the baby will be safe for the time being? Do you have important documents and financial instruments you might need? Remember, a vindictive alcoholic might destroy those things and make things very hard for you--and he's in the place where all the stuff is.
It really shouldn't take more than a couple of weeks to pull the essentials together. There are some excellent books and online resources about what to do before you walk out the door. Of course, if you're ever in PHYSICAL danger, you run, but a plan can certainly make things go more smoothly.
Hugs,
I do agree, though, with hopeful, that you need a plan in place. Have you talked with a lawyer yet? Do you have a place where you and the baby will be safe for the time being? Do you have important documents and financial instruments you might need? Remember, a vindictive alcoholic might destroy those things and make things very hard for you--and he's in the place where all the stuff is.
It really shouldn't take more than a couple of weeks to pull the essentials together. There are some excellent books and online resources about what to do before you walk out the door. Of course, if you're ever in PHYSICAL danger, you run, but a plan can certainly make things go more smoothly.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
MNH, bless you for staying as long as you did. What I would like you to do is read the post that you wrote, then read it again.. Do you really need to have someone tell you its ok to leave. Would you tell your girlfriend or sister to stay in that situation. Plus you have a baby that doesn't' deserve what is going on in that house. It is not fair to you or your baby.
Do what you need to do to get out. Anything that is worth something to you box it up or put it somewhere that you can access it. Don't leave anything that you will regret. You never know what the A is going to do with your stuff.
Please love your baby enough to get out. I know that we all come to SR with such low self esteem and don't feel we are worth respect. (that will come in time). But your baby is so worth it and he doesn't respect him either. Do it for him!!!! (and yourself)
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) you will be ok, as you have many friends that will help you with any questions you have.
Do what you need to do to get out. Anything that is worth something to you box it up or put it somewhere that you can access it. Don't leave anything that you will regret. You never know what the A is going to do with your stuff.
Please love your baby enough to get out. I know that we all come to SR with such low self esteem and don't feel we are worth respect. (that will come in time). But your baby is so worth it and he doesn't respect him either. Do it for him!!!! (and yourself)
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) you will be ok, as you have many friends that will help you with any questions you have.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 160
You don't need anyone's permission to remove yourself from an unsupportive and unsatisfying relationship. But here it is anyway: YOU MAY LEAVE. It doesn't matter whether he loves the baby or not. If he truly loves that boy, he will show it by changing his behaviors so they are more conducive to a child's well-being. And the same for you: if you love your son you can change your own life, including the people you allow in it, in ways that will guarantee his health and happiness. And if good parenting makes for a happier, healthier, saner mama, then that's just gravy. (I think you deserve a little gravy. Whipped cream on your cappuccino. Extra cherry on your milkshake.....)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Yes, it's ok, it's more than ok that you want more for yourself and your baby. There's a strong, healthy part of you that knows you deserve better and I also sense you aren't deluding yourself about him changing or that there's anything you can do. When I ended a disastrous relationship I got incredible support by going to Alanon meetings, which literally saved my sanity. A very big hug, you are on the right path.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Glad you posted this. One of my conflicts I had with Al-Anon and AA is the concept that this is part of your life forever. No cure, learn to cope, etc etc etc. Which I can understand to some extent. IF you want to stay in it for whatever reason, they give you tools to help. But man the first time I was allowed to ask a question in Al-Anon, I was met with a harsh response. My questions was, after hearing all of these heart ripping stories that we as people endure, was, Why is anyone staying in these relationships? Oh well this is a disease. You wouldn't want someone leaving you if you got sick would you? Which lays the guilt back on you. Nowhere can you respond with, But wait, if someone has a disease in which they lie to, abuse, undermine, and destroy those that are trying to care for them, that its OK to end the misery at least for one of them. If you suggest that, you are the controlling one trying to dictate the outcome. OK well sorry but yes I'd like to control at least the outcome in my life. Buuuzzzzz wrong answer for them.
I think Co-Dependency is what helps fuel continued Alcoholism. And I wasn't interested in learning about how to become Co-Dependent. As long as you have no expectations, the AC in your life can always rely on that to lay blame on it being you when you aren't happy.
I think that there needs to be a clear result of consequences to help an AC deter from continuing their pattern. If you drink, I am done with you. And when they drink, you are. Period. That way the only one that has to wrestle with the consequences of drinking, will be the AC. Not you or your child.
My XAGF pulled the Hail Mary I'm an AC play on me when I was walking out. Like that is the new light from god that everything will now be alright. Prior to that she never had a good enough reason to stop drinking. So right there you know they have a concept of consequence, and choice. It has nothing to do with not knowing they have a problem or not having a higher power. Nobody made her decide to say she had a problem until she saw that her life was going be in some form of misery she didn't want to tolerate. Up until that time, she just choose to ignore the fact that plane went from minor turbulence, to it is on fire, the wings are coming off and the ground is fast approaching. That is NOT the time to ask me for a parachute.
I am not telling you to stay or to leave. But I am going to tell you that leaving is an option that you are allowed to have to save yourself. But please don't decide in a week. You don't just walk out because you are mad today. For me once I saw that she had choice, and she made choice, and that choice was repeated and it was bigger than me, I was done.
The damage my G/f did as a result of her drinking, I could have figured how to cope with. But why should I? She certainly didn't give a crap at the damage she caused, until it became unrepairable.
If I am in a relationship, I have standards, expectations, understood shared values, mutual trust, core moral common ground with each other. Anyone who doesn't, isn't in a relationship with me. Once those are violated, I am fully of free will to say, I no longer can accept the terms of this relationship. And I will be alone with no remorse about it. I did the Al-Anon thing for months. I never got that message.
I think Co-Dependency is what helps fuel continued Alcoholism. And I wasn't interested in learning about how to become Co-Dependent. As long as you have no expectations, the AC in your life can always rely on that to lay blame on it being you when you aren't happy.
I think that there needs to be a clear result of consequences to help an AC deter from continuing their pattern. If you drink, I am done with you. And when they drink, you are. Period. That way the only one that has to wrestle with the consequences of drinking, will be the AC. Not you or your child.
My XAGF pulled the Hail Mary I'm an AC play on me when I was walking out. Like that is the new light from god that everything will now be alright. Prior to that she never had a good enough reason to stop drinking. So right there you know they have a concept of consequence, and choice. It has nothing to do with not knowing they have a problem or not having a higher power. Nobody made her decide to say she had a problem until she saw that her life was going be in some form of misery she didn't want to tolerate. Up until that time, she just choose to ignore the fact that plane went from minor turbulence, to it is on fire, the wings are coming off and the ground is fast approaching. That is NOT the time to ask me for a parachute.
I am not telling you to stay or to leave. But I am going to tell you that leaving is an option that you are allowed to have to save yourself. But please don't decide in a week. You don't just walk out because you are mad today. For me once I saw that she had choice, and she made choice, and that choice was repeated and it was bigger than me, I was done.
The damage my G/f did as a result of her drinking, I could have figured how to cope with. But why should I? She certainly didn't give a crap at the damage she caused, until it became unrepairable.
If I am in a relationship, I have standards, expectations, understood shared values, mutual trust, core moral common ground with each other. Anyone who doesn't, isn't in a relationship with me. Once those are violated, I am fully of free will to say, I no longer can accept the terms of this relationship. And I will be alone with no remorse about it. I did the Al-Anon thing for months. I never got that message.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Working on it...
The first step has been to take his name off the lease-I'm DONE packing up myself & baby's things & trying to find somewhere to stay for the night or several nights because I don't feel comfortable or at all happy around AH.
Once the new lease is signed, I can ask the landlady to change the locks or just have it done myself...& then have him escorted over to collect all his crap. Unfortunately my parents are out of state, but my younger brother IS a cop (HA, what a coincidence) & I have plenty of awesome friends who would step in-big beefy men included. Teehee. One of the more savvy things I've done is squirrel little bits of money away knowing he can't access it-we don't have joint accounts THANK GOD.
Unfortunately for me & for my baby boy, we are not AH's first family. Before I married him, he had a wife & a baby-my son's half-brother. I haven't read the entire court files, but in a nutshell, AH was also, once, a drug addict (supposedly he's on Suboxone still & has been since we've been together, but again, he's secretive with his drinking & many other things so how am I to know if he's still on his meds?), & his first wife left him & took their son with her.
She also filed multiple DVOs against him, & although there are 2 sides to every story, I feel pretty dumb for ignoring the warning signs & believing that SHE was the problem in that relationship. He signed away his rights to his other child so has no custody or visitation.
At any rate...I'm kicking myself for believing I had married a "changed man"...as great & commendable as it is that he's (presumably) not on drugs anymore, he's still emotionally & verbally abusive & doesn't care that the baby is exposed to that.
I just need to be stronger, that's all...For my son.
Once the new lease is signed, I can ask the landlady to change the locks or just have it done myself...& then have him escorted over to collect all his crap. Unfortunately my parents are out of state, but my younger brother IS a cop (HA, what a coincidence) & I have plenty of awesome friends who would step in-big beefy men included. Teehee. One of the more savvy things I've done is squirrel little bits of money away knowing he can't access it-we don't have joint accounts THANK GOD.
Unfortunately for me & for my baby boy, we are not AH's first family. Before I married him, he had a wife & a baby-my son's half-brother. I haven't read the entire court files, but in a nutshell, AH was also, once, a drug addict (supposedly he's on Suboxone still & has been since we've been together, but again, he's secretive with his drinking & many other things so how am I to know if he's still on his meds?), & his first wife left him & took their son with her.
She also filed multiple DVOs against him, & although there are 2 sides to every story, I feel pretty dumb for ignoring the warning signs & believing that SHE was the problem in that relationship. He signed away his rights to his other child so has no custody or visitation.
At any rate...I'm kicking myself for believing I had married a "changed man"...as great & commendable as it is that he's (presumably) not on drugs anymore, he's still emotionally & verbally abusive & doesn't care that the baby is exposed to that.
I just need to be stronger, that's all...For my son.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread 
But wait, if someone has a disease in which they lie to, abuse, undermine, and destroy those that are trying to care for them, that its OK to end the misery at least for one of them. If you suggest that, you are the controlling one trying to dictate the outcome. OK well sorry but yes I'd like to control at least the outcome in my life. Buuuzzzzz wrong answer for them.
I think Co-Dependency is what helps fuel continued Alcoholism. And I wasn't interested in learning about how to become Co-Dependent.
I think Co-Dependency is what helps fuel continued Alcoholism. And I wasn't interested in learning about how to become Co-Dependent.
I am sorry you had such a negative experience of your alanon meeting. However, I think you missed the point of it somewhat. Alanon is NOT about learnimg to become codependant. It's about learning how to NOT be codependant and stop thinking we can control the behaviour and actions of another. In turn, that then frees people to decide if they can accept the relarionship as it is, or not. Leaving is obviously not about controlling another person.
However, all of that said, one of the rules of this forum is not to debate recovery methods or, indeed, to bash them.
I sense a lot of anger and pain in your response to the OP, perhaps you would liket to start a new thread about your current situation and events with your gf?
Now to the OP, honey, you are a valuable being. You have worth and a right to safety, peace and happiness. You have every right to take action to make sure you get it. I sincerely wish you and your little boy peace.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm assuming you just had him on the lease as an additional authorized occupant? The only agreement is between you, alone, and the landlady? (I.e., he never signed the lease?)
So, if I'm reading this right, you are just leaving long enough for him to get his stuff out, and then you plan to move back in?
Just out of curiosity, how do you intend to get him OUT if he refuses to leave? I don't know much about the law in Alaska, but it seems to me that might be a little bit tricky. Have you talked to a lawyer?
So, if I'm reading this right, you are just leaving long enough for him to get his stuff out, and then you plan to move back in?
Just out of curiosity, how do you intend to get him OUT if he refuses to leave? I don't know much about the law in Alaska, but it seems to me that might be a little bit tricky. Have you talked to a lawyer?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Lexie, haven't talked to a lawyer yet, no, as I am still researching how to do so without ending up with a hefty legal fee that I can't afford 
.
The times that I have left in the past have been in response to his cray-cray behavior. As far as getting HIM out of the apartment you are correct-he never signed the lease. That being said, his name is still on it along with mine, so to cover my own arse I would rather have her rewrite it in my name & my name alone.
I don't plan to leave at all unless it seems he'll be threatening or do something violent. Given that I plan to resign a lease with myself as the sole responsible occupant, if I want him removed from MY apartment, I can do so by calling the authorities. H has a criminal record already & unfortunately for him isn't going to win any popularity contests with the cops. He can try to refuse to leave, but ultimately I can ask to have him escorted off the property if I don't feel safe. (I would assume you can do that anyway, even IF the other person is on the lease, but you can't refuse them entry to "their" apartment...
My biggest problem that I myself caused is that I've threatened him with divorce before, down to printing out the paperwork, & never followed through. All he's learned is that there ARE no consequences for how he treats me, because I'll never actually "do it"...and I'm tired of being viewed as all talk...
.The times that I have left in the past have been in response to his cray-cray behavior. As far as getting HIM out of the apartment you are correct-he never signed the lease. That being said, his name is still on it along with mine, so to cover my own arse I would rather have her rewrite it in my name & my name alone.
I don't plan to leave at all unless it seems he'll be threatening or do something violent. Given that I plan to resign a lease with myself as the sole responsible occupant, if I want him removed from MY apartment, I can do so by calling the authorities. H has a criminal record already & unfortunately for him isn't going to win any popularity contests with the cops. He can try to refuse to leave, but ultimately I can ask to have him escorted off the property if I don't feel safe. (I would assume you can do that anyway, even IF the other person is on the lease, but you can't refuse them entry to "their" apartment...
My biggest problem that I myself caused is that I've threatened him with divorce before, down to printing out the paperwork, & never followed through. All he's learned is that there ARE no consequences for how he treats me, because I'll never actually "do it"...and I'm tired of being viewed as all talk...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You might want to call the police and ask if they will remove him under the circumstances you've described, if he refuses to leave.
IF there is a history of domestic violence, you might be able to apply for a protective order that WOULD require him to leave. If you think you might qualify, or you want to find out, you can call your local women's shelter and ask to speak with an advocate. It would probably depend on the history and recency/seriousness of any incidents. If he DOES become threatening/violent, don't hesitate. You can get him out immediately under those circumstances.
You're right, though, about making threats you don't follow through on. So if you're sure, go for it. Remember, it takes months for the most simple of divorces to be finalized, and you CAN always change your mind if you want to. But for right now it sounds as if you're at the end of your rope and ready to be DONE. Be prepared for the last-ditch "promises" from him. Are you ready to see those as just more manipulation to maintain the status quo?
IF there is a history of domestic violence, you might be able to apply for a protective order that WOULD require him to leave. If you think you might qualify, or you want to find out, you can call your local women's shelter and ask to speak with an advocate. It would probably depend on the history and recency/seriousness of any incidents. If he DOES become threatening/violent, don't hesitate. You can get him out immediately under those circumstances.
You're right, though, about making threats you don't follow through on. So if you're sure, go for it. Remember, it takes months for the most simple of divorces to be finalized, and you CAN always change your mind if you want to. But for right now it sounds as if you're at the end of your rope and ready to be DONE. Be prepared for the last-ditch "promises" from him. Are you ready to see those as just more manipulation to maintain the status quo?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
It's always been nothing but manipulation. He promises constantly to do "whatever I say" in order to make things better, but he's never followed through.
The last time he promised to "do whatever I say" was Christmas. It's been a week.
The last time he promised to "do whatever I say" was Christmas. It's been a week.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by shil2587
I am sorry you had such a negative experience of your alanon meeting. However, I think you missed the point of it somewhat. Alanon is NOT about learnimg to become codependant. It's about learning how to NOT be codependant and stop thinking we can control the behaviour and actions of another. In turn, that then frees people to decide if they can accept the relarionship as it is, or not. Leaving is obviously not about controlling another person.
However, all of that said, one of the rules of this forum is not to debate recovery methods or, indeed, to bash them.
I sense a lot of anger and pain in your response to the OP, perhaps you would liket to start a new thread about your current situation and events with your gf?
However, all of that said, one of the rules of this forum is not to debate recovery methods or, indeed, to bash them.
I sense a lot of anger and pain in your response to the OP, perhaps you would liket to start a new thread about your current situation and events with your gf?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread
Glad you posted this. One of my conflicts I had with Al-Anon and AA is the concept that this is part of your life forever. No cure, learn to cope, etc etc etc. Which I can understand to some extent. IF you want to stay in it for whatever reason, they give you tools to help. But man the first time I was allowed to ask a question in Al-Anon, I was met with a harsh response. My questions was, after hearing all of these heart ripping stories that we as people endure, was, Why is anyone staying in these relationships? Oh well this is a disease. You wouldn't want someone leaving you if you got sick would you? Which lays the guilt back on you. Nowhere can you respond with, But wait, if someone has a disease in which they lie to, abuse, undermine, and destroy those that are trying to care for them, that its OK to end the misery at least for one of them. If you suggest that, you are the controlling one trying to dictate the outcome. OK well sorry but yes I'd like to control at least the outcome in my life. Buuuzzzzz wrong answer for them.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by HollyC88
I was yelled at for asking a question, and I felt like I was the only person in the room who walked away form the relationship.
What was the question?
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