LemonGirl

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This is my first post. I have been perusing threads on this site and others for nearly a month now. They are a great help! A little back story: My boyfriend is an alcoholic. That's my ABF, right? I met him in the most serendipitous and fateful way... And once I decided to actually go on a date with him... Hiking turned into coffee, and then the book store, and then lunch, and then more hours of talking, only to keep talking all night on the phone. I was immediately hooked. For the first time in my life (35) I can honestly say that I KNEW I had found the person I wanted to spend my life with. Everything lined up between us. Music, mannerisms, interests, physical level of activity, his daughter and my two daughters, what we wanted out of life, how we felt about God... everything! Well, almost everything...
I can't say I was really blindsided by his drinking problem, but that's what it feels like. I told him just one month into our relationship that "I think you drink more than I thought you did. If at any point, no matter what I feel for you, if I feel it is too much for me, I will end this." Of course, since he doesn't 'have a problem', he assured me that it wouldn't be a problem. Over the months he has become my best-friend, my lover... We have been open and honest with one another (or so I thought). We NEVER fight. He isn't mean and nasty. When he gets drunk, he doesn't make a lot of sense (which is frustrating also), and he is loud and obnoxious. But the peace and ability to work together has been phenomenal! Over those months, I wasn't able to see exactly how bad it was because on the weekends my children went with their own dad (another addict type situation there; yes, I have a problem with these types of relationships I have come to realize)... Anyway, the weekends they went with their dad, my ABF and I would party and get drunk. We recorded music together, went out for karaoke, the movies, dinner, shooting pool... We had FUN. I was adding to the problem without realizing it. I feel awful for that! But having someone to go out with was part of what I have wanted, so I just thought it was all ***** dory.
The day I woke up was about a week before Thanksgiving. I get a call from his phone. It's his roommate and she says, "You need to come get your bf because he just shot a gun off in my house and lied about it." "What? Is he drunk?" "YES!" she says... So, I'm pissed. I drive over there ready to be mad only to find the other roommate (male) beating the living **** out of him. It was BAD. My instincts kicked in and I got in the middle of it and calmly stopped the assault. My bf laid on the ground, curled in fetal position, bleeding everywhere. If I hadn't of shown up, he would be dead or have sever permanent brain damage. The cops and doctors all told me "Thank God you showed up!" I relive this night all the time; it was traumatic. So... I got him up and had the intent of taking him to the hospital. The police were called by some neighbors, though. Thank GOD! Longer story short: the other man was taken to jail for a felony assault (and rightfully so). My ABF stayed in the hospital for 3 days, and then I nursed him at my home for about a week. Then Thanksgiving came, we got his daughter for the week and the holiday, and him not having a place to stay for all of this, he stayed at my place. I started to gauge him. The whole "I don't drink in front of the kids" went out the window with a large bottle of FireBall that was depleted in two days among some more beer.
I realize that my allowing him to stay with me was somewhat of an enabler thing. Feeling like the All-mother and acting like the nurse. I truly believe I did the right thing by caring for him in that moment. But here, he almost lost his career in the Navy, a damn good career, he lost his place of residency (though he found a new one by December), got the **** beat out of him, had all of his firearms taken away, is about to lose his gf and my daughters (which love and adore him btw), and the alcohol has taken over. And I am MAD!!!
I am mad at him, at the alcohol, at life, and at God. I gently remind myself that this is a disease, that alcohol is a fortified demon, and that God has me (no matter how serendipitous it all seemed, I still made the choice to get involved. That's not God, that is Free Will).... I guess this is just life? I am even mad at myself for having come so far in my life from the men that I have chosen over the years. But it looks like I still have some work to do.
So I am ready to admit that my patterns are my fault, my choices, and that I suffered from low-self esteem in the past (no longer there really), that I am repeating awful nonsense from my own childhood in some weird attempt to forgive my own father, and that I have failed at my attempts to just say NO. So I am even angry about that! Really? I couldn't just say NO? It is so much more simple to cut them off early than to be here, fully in love, and know that I have to cut him out of my life Because I know, he just isn't ready. He started a journal yesterday to try and find 'where alcohol became a problem' (YAY for his acknowledgement!) But he thinks AA is a bunch of nonsense and says I am talking like a counselor (and I am well equipped for that since I have a BA as a social worker; go figure).

Anger is the first stage of grieving. Here we go.... Not looking forward to the headaches...

NYCDoglvr

I'm very sorry you've had this heartache in your life and since you've read the posts, you'll know it's fairly typical of living with an active alcoholic. Of course you're angry and having these events around the holidays makes everything worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and we're powerless over it. There's nothing anyone can say or do that will keep an alcoholic sober but we do have power to make changes in our own life.

I went through a wretched time with a recovering alcoholic (with no program or therapy) that was rock bottom. What saved my sanity and offered enormous support was Alanon, a 12 Step program. I suggest looking for local meetings.

Sounds like a terrifyingly close call, thankfully disaster was averted. Keep posting and reading ... so many people here understand perfectly what you're going through. God bless!

mnh1982

Hey there. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My husband "doesn't have a problem" either...And when I try to talk to him about his behavior when he's noticeably intoxicated, he tells me "he's not" & "hasn't been drinking", as if I'm too naive & unobservant to know the different between his sober self & his drunk self.
He effed up big time over the holidays & let his deadbeat brother & one of their mutual friends come over to our apartment with a case of beer & god knows what other alcohol for the 3 of them. All 3 were wasted. Brother & friend ended up passed out in various places around the apartment.

We have a 2-month-old.

Somehow even our son's wellbeing & happiness aren't important enough to him that he's willing to admit he has a problem & start working on it.

My battle right now is whether or not to stay married to him; people keep telling me to "keep trying" & "stay positive", but our entire relationship & marriage have consisted of him repeatedly screwing up & refusing to get help or take it.

I don't think I want to be married to him anymore. I'd rather go it alone with my son than keep being disappointed & heartbroken.

I'm sorry you're going through it, too...

Hangnbyathread

Umm HMA. First of all welcome.

Secondly, don't be so hard on yourself. YOU no matter what you think of yourself, did not cause HIM to drink. You may not ever get over the anger and other feelings you have or will have. You don't owe it to him to feel differently about this.

I can tell you that my skies immediately cleared and my life went back to a peaceful place, once I knew being out of this was better than staying in was ever going to make me feel.

You being a social worker are far better qualified than most of us to prepare yourself for this storm.

mnh1982

Hey there. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My husband "doesn't have a problem" either...And when I try to talk to him about his behavior when he's noticeably intoxicated, he tells me "he's not" & "hasn't been drinking", as if I'm too naive & unobservant to know the different between his sober self & his drunk self.
He effed up big time over the holidays & let his deadbeat brother & one of their mutual friends come over to our apartment with a case of beer & god knows what other alcohol for the 3 of them. All 3 were wasted. Brother & friend ended up passed out in various places around the apartment.

We have a 2-month-old.

Somehow even our son's wellbeing & happiness aren't important enough to him that he's willing to admit he has a problem & start working on it.

My battle right now is whether or not to stay married to him; people keep telling me to "keep trying" & "stay positive", but our entire relationship & marriage have consisted of him repeatedly screwing up & refusing to get help or take it.

I don't think I want to be married to him anymore. I'd rather go it alone with my son than keep being disappointed & heartbroken.

I'm sorry you're going through it, too...

LemonGirl

I know I would rather be alone that end up marrying this man. This beautiful, wonderful, alcoholic man.... ugh

mnh1982

And then I'm all like...

...but if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have my son...sooo...

EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.

Sigh.

Hangnbyathread

Nobody is suggesting you can't find some good in what you saw or had. Just place it all on a scale and see what sides carries more weight.

Man I felt so stupid for loving an AC. I wasn't in love with an AC. I was in love with the person that wasn't. The AC happened despite the good we had.

mnh1982

That's exactly it-despite all the good that we do have & the better it could become...he won't step up & help us or himself get there...

Mango blast

That's addiction. It's a very common symptom. This is a physical and mental disease that effects the body and the brain. No one chooses to be an addict. I'd highly suggest keep reading here, go to Alanon and/or Celebrate Recovery meetings and talk with Licensed Addiction Counselors. For many years my husband and I tentatively tried talking with many people who seemed helpful, but knew nothing about the nuts and bolts of this disease - including several doctors.

For those in the military, there are additional resources available.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/s/?ie=UT...Amador&i=books

Mostly, find support for yourself and take very good care of yourself. The three C's are very true: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. What you can do is become as healthy as possible physically, mentally and spiritually. The healthier I become, the more I don't need to save anyone else, but am able to give solid support for them in healthy ways... not just with my husband, who has an alcohol addiction, but in all areas of my life.

Best wishes go with you. Miracles do happen. Not always in our time frame or how we want. Letting go of expectations can be very freeing.

FlippedRHalo

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. My recently ex alcoholic fiance and I had such an amazing relationship at one point in time. Amazing in that he was never outwardly mean, nasty or really anything except for loving and supportive -- except that he was drunk, or white knuckling trying not to be drunk, through most of it, lol. His best friend was also Fireball... that's some nasty stuff. Eventually, I became tired of hearing that he'd stop, he'd get help, didn't have a problem, had a problem that he knew he needed help with, was depressed, wasn't depressed, it was his mom's fault, brother's fault, works fault and all of that fun emotional craziness. I became emotionally distraught with the deceit, emotional manipulation, lies, hiding the drinking, quitting for the 800th time for 2 days and so on.

I still care about him and it still hurts like hell sometimes (today was a real doozy for some reason, I think I cried the entire length of the Jersey Turnpike on my way home from visiting family over the holiday), but I think I've finally convinced myself that the initial relief of going back to him and ridding myself of this pain and hurt I feel today would only be very temporary, and that the long term effects of trying to have a relationship with an alcoholic are just that, very long term and very painful. I refuse to let myself fall for it again, although at this time, it seems like the hardest thing in the world to do.

Hang in there -- so many of us are right where you are at this moment too. You're not alone.

LemonGirl

Thank you for the link Keepingthefaith! It is appreciated!

LemonGirl

FlippedRHalo, yes yes yes! Sounds like my situation. I am still lingering with the relationship at this point. He and I haven't even gotten to the point of him making broken promises, so me leaving isn't filled with resentment. I think I've just come a long way already before this relationship so I know that I need to get out now before it gets to that fine line of him creating total resentment in me. I see this pretty simply: Are you ready for help? Him: I am fine and can do this without AA nonsense. Me: Okay. I love you, but this isn't what I want for my life or my children. I pray all the best in the world for you. Goodbye.

And my heart is going to teeter, and I will grieve. And it will suck. And I will survive. And his survival will not be my problem, but his and God's. I have faith that he will find his way, just without dragging me in the process. Crazy how selfish that sounds as an enabler. But I know it's best.

LexieCat

That was the OTHER dynamic that got me out of my second marriage when I did. I truly did NOT want to get to the point of hating him.

Yes, I was angry, yes, I was incredibly sad about what he was doing to himself, but I still did not hate him. I was afraid, though, that if I stayed much longer I would come to hate him. And I REALLY didn't want to go there.

HollyC88

I know you replied to my post, but here is my reply:

I know exactly how you feel with the broken promises. He kept saying, he'd go to AA, rehab and even medicine. Nothing ever came of it and I enabled him with the DD rides, money etc.

You seem to be a very strong woman and I know you will be okay through all of this. Grieving is the first step of moving on.

PS- I know the feeling, I already got my excedrin migraine!

LemonGirl

Oh Lexie, yes! My abf never really says anything hurtful, but last night he was being quite derogatory and that hurt. I think he doing it on purpose though. It's his self defense kicking in because he knows our relationship is coming to an end. Sad... His cheerful and thoughtful nature are so attractive to me. What a waste of a gorgeous man.

LemonGirl

Lol.... excedrin!
It's all this thinking we're doing. It'll be nice when the day comes that I can really disconnect and think about something else.

mnh1982

OMG, YES. Exactly. I do not "hate" my husband, & I don't want to, & I probably never will...but just in case, I would so much rather separate NOW so that whatever shared custody or visits we have with our son can be amicable...