freetosmile

So AH tells me on the phone today that he wrote me a 7 page long letter and that I am not going to like the first two pages. hmmmmmm.......I asked them if it was "mean". He said no.

I feel like shouting "look jerkwad, I know how much you "hate" me already, I don't need it shoved in my face in a letter!"

I am going to ASSUME that the first two pages details how much I disrespect him with the clothes I wear (which by the way, I ran my outfits by my therapist just in *case* I was not seeing something...she said I was fine. Which is stupid anyway...I am 32...I shouldn't need validation from my therapist for my clothing-but whatever), how he is so hurt that I've *cheated* like a gazillion times (which again, I have never been unfaithful to this man), and the list goes on. I am assuming this based off of 6 years of hearing this crap from him.

Which, we all know, I lied to him about staying at my sisters when I dropped him off at rehab because he was SOOO sure I was going to go out, party, and cheat. Well today he made an implication that I was up to no good when I was staying at the hotel I supposedly stayed at. So either way I was screwed.

Good thing about letters is that they can be thrown away before read. But again, this just comes down to my thing about- a lot of his behavior is NOT alcohol related.

God, is this worth it!? I love his kids, I love our family, I even still love him.....but I'm just waiting for the HUGE IN YOUR FACE sign that it's over.

I'm not gonna get that am I?

SparkleKitty

Sometimes what we get is a steadily increasing-sized number of signs over a considerable period of time. To the point where we no longer have any perception of how big they are.

DMC

I suspect that if you hadn't already been mentally beaten down for so long, a 7 page rant (or even the threat thereof) would be said huge-in-your-face-sign.

If my sister called me telling me half of what you've told us, well, what would you had done if this was your sister?

Carlotta

How long can you take living like that? The amount of stress you are putting yourself through by letting him treat you like crap is unbearable.
Most drunks when on the wagons try to kiss a$$ and be nice to make up for their bad drunken behavior. Yours is an abusive, delusional, jealous, controlling jerk whether he is drinking or not.
I understand you loving his kids but have you asked yourself why you do love him?
From your posts there is absolutely nothing likeable let alone lovable about him.
He is awful to you drunk or sober.
BTW his crap about the "cheating" is just about controlling you and making you miserable from a distance. It's pure manipulation. You should be spending the time he is away working on your own recovery and relaxing, not stressing out over his delusions.
Is it how you want to live? If you had a daughter, would you want her to live with someone like him?

freetosmile

I would say, "it sounds like you must really hate yourself to think that you deserve this".

I was just hoping for too much maybe. Maybe I was hoping rehab would have smacked him in the face bit...but, I've heard so many others say they have expected the same thing and not gotten it.

Ugh...I'm sick of the freetosmile abuse being put on the backburner to his alcoholism. I'm supposed to be learning how to "let go and let God".....well God, what about this?

Carlotta

Let go and let God is nice but self respect and refusing to let others use you as a verbal punching ball is nicer.
He has you right where he wanted you, renting space in your head and having you anxious about his letter.
This is not alcoholism, this is something else.

Gottalife

"let go and let God".....well God, what about this?"

Let go and let God isn't a passive thing. Through meditation and prayer we can ask God what we should DO about a given situation, and then we take the ACTION that we believe God wants us to take.

What action does God want you to take?

freetosmile

Totally agree. He really started getting into counseling about 8-9 months ago. Our therapist has him pegged. She sees us separately. I know I'm being abused. He knows he is abusing....I guess it's just a matter of him either changing his ways or me leaving. I have seen SOME improvement. But I mean, dear God, give me a break.
I don't even know why I ask these questions. I already know the answer. Ugh, I hate me.

freetosmile

I "believe" God wants me to give him a chance, but I can't honestly say for sure because i'm not too far out of my codie brain.

LexieCat

You haven't seen the letter yet. How about putting it, unopened, in your purse and reading it AT your therapist's office, just so you have some immediate support if you need it? It might help to have someone there just as a reality-check so whatever it is that he wrote will not have the impact it might otherwise have.

The only reason I think you probably shouldn't simply throw it away is that you haven't split up yet and you are still trying to gauge where he's at. So you probably do need to read it, but I'd read it in the presence of someone you can share it with AS you're reading it.

BoxinRotz

Who has time for a 7 page letter. Just tell me what the hell you want n STFU already. lol

Hey, i still get letters from my ex husband 5 years later. Sometimes I wish he'd tell me he found a new piece but usually it's about me n how I ruined his life... I like to read them while on the sh!tter.

dandylion

freetosmile....to me..."Let go and let God".....means to step out of the way...to let go of the ropes...to put the burden down. I see the Universe as God. The universe deals with every person in it. Including your husband and every single person that you DON"T know.

We don't run the world...all the combined forces of the Universe does (God, in my mind).
If either one of us got hit be a bus today...the world will still go on tomorrow. Still spin on its axis..and what will happen--will happen with out us. 100yrs. from now--people will not be saying "How can the world go on because dandylion is not here to do it!!?"

"Letting go and letting God"...to me...would mean that you would step out of this equasion with him...and let the Universe deal with him.

freetosmile....I am aware that this prospect might scare the crap out of you, tonight.
This is all coming to light pretty fast (sometimes it happens this way).
But, for tonight just slow down and breathe...breathe....
Sleep tonight...re look at it tomorrow....

Lets keep talking about it.

I just wanted to give you what this expression means to me....

(by the way..I have had to let go and let God with mine....to tell you the truth..it is the o nly way I am sane enough to sit here and type to you, right now).

You are not alone. We have got your back....

sincerely,
dandylion

BunnyNest

Boundaries are a beautiful thing. Return to sender to limit contact is a great boundary.

It took one year of sobriety and in recovery for my loved one to become who he is. It has taken me over one year to even remotely figure me out. Before no contact, I was in a constant state of high stress and fight or flight. I was destroying myself.

A year off from each other to both work on yourselves allows you a fresh start at that time.

Take care of you!

dandylion

One more thought....I think Lexie's idea of opening the letter in your therapist's office is a brilliant idea! Only read it with someone that you trust that can give you the support that you need.

dandylion

freetosmile

Ok, I like both ideas. I will rethink it tomorrow. Just chill out for now AND I will plan to open it with my therapist. Sounds like a good solid plan and I need plans. I think "let go and let God" message is clear. Just be patient free.

I also envision God as energy force of the universe. And right now the force is with me.

Plus, maybe I'm just freaking out for nothing. Maybe it's not about me at all. Oh mail man, please take your time.

Gottalife

Here's something radical, a check to see if the guidance I receive is God's will or self will. I find it very handy. I simply have to ask if the thought that I think came from God is:
Honest
Loving
Selfless
Pure (God's will)

Or is it:
Dishonest
Resentful
Selfish
Controlling. (Self will)

When I honestly consider my motives, I can often come up with the right action. Maybe I would also consult with someone about my guidance.

freetosmile

Yikes!! That's hardcore and very difficult to ignore!!! Solid, though, very solid and impossible to argue. Thanks for this. I will use this not only now, but in the future

Refiner

You don't know what his SEVEN page letter says yet and he only warned you about the first TWO pages... AND said it wasn't "mean". Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised at some revelations he may be learning/experiencing? Maybe I'm being overly optimistic but why stress until you know. I agree that opening and reading it for the first time with your therapist would be wise. I didn't realize that the alcohol was just a minor part of him being such an abusive ass to you until this thread. I sure hope his therapist from the last 8-9 months can be part of his overall "recovery program" he's in. He certainly sounds like a dual diagnosis candidate. God bless and may you continue becoming stronger and stronger and treat yourself well.

Eauchiche

IMHO, "you're gonna get a 7 page letter," is the same as "When your father gets home, you're gonna get it!"

I was held hostage once upon a time by a public employee, who was mean as the devil. She threatened to write my boss a letter complaining about me so her agency could justify switching their business to a competitor. Incidentally, her boss's son in law worked for the competitor doing my exact job....

I wish I had called their bluff and gone to their superiors at the County, but I was young and scared. Had they sent that letter, I would have never had to work again. As is was, they sent a letter justifying the change, and only mentioned me to thank me for my excellent service.

53500

So he gave you a heads-up to expect a nasty letter??? Oh at least the first two pages are nasty. Maybe the next five are nice? Is this supposed to contain any useful information that you might need, or just his views on whatever?

This is incredibly childish, don't you think? But since he was good enough to warn you, if the letter does arrive I'd mark it "return to sender" and stick it back in the mailbox.

Just an emotional response, to tell you the truth, on my part. Maybe reading it with your therapist would be more helpful.

What a drama queen! Sorry you're going through this.