amy55

fts,

I don't want to sway you one way or the other. I told you I would be here for you no matter what. He is still going to be gone, what? about another 2 1/2 weeks.

I want you to look at all the information that you received. Right now you are safe, he is 8 hours away. I want you just to look at everything and see what you want to do.

It's easy for us to say do this and do that. Yes, If you really want to leave we can totally help you with this, if you are still unsure of what you really want to do, well, that's ok also. It is all your decision anyway.

I just don't really want to push you in one direction when you are not really sure. That is more harmful then helpful.

If you need time to think about things, then I respect that also. Hey I took what, about a decade to really decide.

I just wanted to tell you how proud of I am you. You never disappeared, you didn't isolate, and you are holding your own, you are really one strong person.

There is a lot of advice here, look at it all, see if it can work for you. See if you need more information, we are always glad to help. But, what I want most for freetosmile, is for freetosmile to be freetosmile.

Your timetable, I'll be here.

(((((((((hugs always))))))))))
amy

freetosmile

Yep, I will process this. I will pray and I will probably bawl my stupid eyes out. But I'll think about all this. I've not been eating the way I need to be the past few days. Really losing my grip on my own health. Time to recenter. He's not going anywhere...and clearly neither am I. Anywhere but further in the fricking rabbit hole, that is.

God, if it was me hearing this from someone else, I'd be ALL over it. "put your foot down, make a stand. Take control of your own life". That's what I would be saying.

Well, I'm just plain out scared. Scared of being alone, scared of EVERYTHING.

Thanks everyone...this has been a crappy crappy day. I will not answer his phone calls tonight. I am going to watch a movie with my children and eat some food. I think I've gone down an entire pant size since he decided to go to rehab. Not being very good to me. I better catch up on that. I will check in tomorrow.

Really, seriously, thanks. I honestly would be out of my mind if not for SR.

LexieCat

And don't forget to breathe, along with eating.

It ALL doesn't have to get figured out at once. First things first (to coin a phrase). Easy does it.

Cathryn2001

((freetosmile))

Please be kind to yourself.

amy55

Dearest fts, I remember going thru this. It was almost like in the Wizard of Oz when they tore the straw man apart. Pieces where there, and pieces were over there, and everyone got together and put him together. That was fictional, this is something you need to do. We can help. I needed a lot of help.

I remember my friends, (I'm sure most here heard about my friends), they gave me a key to their retirement home. They gave it to me in Aug 2008. I still went back and forth, until 12/31/2008. It was when I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I drove the 1 1/2 hours to get there, I was in a state of shock, I had no emotions, just knew I had to leave.

I got there, and my friend just said to me, you look like you need a cup of tea and some hugs. I took them both.

I can imagine how you are feeling right now. Wanting to please him, and not get into a fight. Finally opening up, and perhaps being afraid you might lose our support. I've BTDT. You have nothing to worry about with us. We only want the best for you. If it is in your best interest to take your time, then do that. Better to be sure then sorry.

Also I am amazed at all the helpful tips you are getting about your career. !!!!!!!!

Just remember, no you don't have to answer his calls if you don't want to, the letter, yes, please read it through with a therapist. Above all, remember that you are a special person, I think you are a special person to many of us here.

Try forgetting that perfect obedient person that you were supposed to be to so many, and please just concentrate on how special you are, and how special your children are.

Now please relax and stop hyperventilating. We got your back here.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Hawks

What happened to quacking?

That's all it is, quack quack quack quack and quack quack quack quack and just for good measure quack quack

People who are hurting, hurt other people.

Don't take it personally or seriously, because it is not really aimed at you..... You get that?

His internal dialogue, the self loathing, the hatred, low self esteem..... It's just being directed at you.

You gotta understand what an alcoholic head is like..... Why do you think we drink??

Its the only thing that turns off the internal dialogue.

I know a lot of people think we just do it because it's fun and we like to party and all that.

Believe me, when it gets to this stage, it's not fun anymore. Wives, homes, kids all being lost.

I know you probably won't believe me, but he's hurting worse than you are.

He is a sick man trying to get well. I think often it gets turned to he is a bad person who likes being bad.

Give it time FTS.

There is a chapter called "The Family Afterwards" in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

Online versions available, just google.

If he is at a rehab that supports 12 steps, give him time to work them.

Things can be good again, AA and Al anon can put back together broken and shattered people and families.... But it takes more than a week or three of rehab.

It's just words...... They won't actually hurt you unless you let them.

All the best

BoxinRotz

Nothing like dropping atleast 150 lbs for the New Year.

NWGRITS

FTS nobody is fed up with you! We're all here cheering you on and celebrating your newly found strength. Keep posting. Keep using us as a sounding board. Yes, I got a little excited earlier, but it was because of the audacity he had to say these things to you, NOT because of what you've done. We all miss signs, insisting that we're waiting for "the big one," when it's right in front of our faces.

And all this happened BEFORE I had a big ACoA moment on a Facebook post from a manipulative jackass parent whose kid ran away (I say good on the kid, he needed to get out). It's been a real doozy of a day.

LexieCat

LOL,

I once snarkily commented on another forum about losing 250 pounds of ugly fat, right after I dumped the last guy I lived with (non-alcoholic). I'd forgotten that he knew my screen name on that site, and I got a pissed-off, semi-threatening phone call from him about that.

Needless to say, I changed my screen name and posted on non-public parts of the forum after that.

Thanks for the stroll down memory lane, Boxy.

amy55

Thanks Hawks, I usually agree with you, but I will choose to disagree about this. Yes, I agree he is hurting, but words aren't just words. Those words are abuse, and controlling. The OP already recognizes this. She just doesn't know what to do with all of this info being thrown at her so quickly.

So I actually would not recommend Al anon, I would recommend DV. But, I guess that is just me.

Respectfully,
amy

LexieCat

Yeah, this isn't just a "typical" alcoholic early-sobriety rehab issue. Whole different ball of wax when there is abuse involved.

Refiner

Hawks, not sure if you've read the history here but it seems that FTS's H is a very controlling and abusive individual where alcohol may be a side issue. He's obviously not working a program and also needs a dual diagnosis therapy program.

Hawks

Okay, tomaytoe, tomartoe.

I just thought a message of hope might be useful.

LexieCat

Hope is best when it's realistic hope. Realistically, free's husband needs more than an alcohol program. He also needs batterer's intervention treatment and possibly mental health treatment.

But free is getting a much-needed break while he's in rehab, and there's a TON of hope for HER.

lillamy

FTS, I know you're seeing a therapist, and I've been a bit more scarce than I usually am, so I apologize if I'm beating a dead horse here but...

Your marriage sounds similar to mine, in the combination of alcoholism and abuse/control. If you've seen my posts here, I am a huge big fan of Al-Anon -- but sometimes, when you're trapped (emotionally/mentally) in an abusive relationship, Al-Anon (which encourages you to work on yourself and take responsibility for your part of the dysfunction) isn't a good fit. My marriage to an A was the only experience I have had of being on the receiving end of abuse. I know that's not the case for you, and I can imagine that it must be very frightening for you to get these messages -- because I get a pit in my stomach reading about them, and I'm not even the person getting them!

I don't really know what I wanted to say -- just that alcoholism and abuse are or can be different animals, and that... if you sober up a drunk horse thief, you just have a sober horse thief.

I really liked Lexie's idea about opening the letter at your therapist's office. I found that a lot of times, my first reaction to any communication from AXH was panic and fear. I found that if I had someone with me who could read and tell me "this part is an attempt to control, and this part is a veiled threat, and this last part here -- well, that's just plain insane," it helped me put it into perspective.

You sound stronger than you probably feel. (((hugs)))

TalenCrowhaven

7 page letter?

No need to. He's already managed to get into your head, just by mentioning it.

Right where he wanted to be.

Ick...

(((Hang in there)))

Hawkeye13

Rest, take some time to think and know we will support you whatever you decide.

If you can take a hot bath with the shower running, that's a great place to cry in peace and think. Then a cup of tea and to bed.

Hugs

amy55

Hi, I am hoping that you are getting a good nights rest. We'll talk some more tomorrow and maybe you can show us some of the beautiful pics you are taking with your new camera.

Just really wanted to say, thinking about you, and I care.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

freetosmile

hawk.jpg

Heres a couple pictures I've taken. This hawk was about a quarter mile away. I was impressed with how much I was able to zoom in.

freetosmile

[QUOTE=freetosmile;5114082]Attachment 25892


Here is a snow angel my daughter made. I love that I actually caught snow flakes as well. I'm not that good, but it's fun.