7 page letter he is GOING to send
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by freetosmile 
AH called this morning- his MOTHER sent him a letter. A really toxic letter telling him how his wife is to blame for all his problems, how is older A brother is doing so well (the one who used to take shovels to my AH head), and how she was going to call the cops on him. For what, God only knows.
So AH is furious. Wants to know how his mother found out. And he stated he would like to take the weekend to think about a divorce. That if I saw NOTHING inappropriate about my behavior at ALL then yes, he wants a divorce.
great.
So AH is furious. Wants to know how his mother found out. And he stated he would like to take the weekend to think about a divorce. That if I saw NOTHING inappropriate about my behavior at ALL then yes, he wants a divorce.
great.
MANIPULATION............. BULLCRAP.............INTIMIDATION..........THREATE NING...........
Do not ever defend yourself in these situations. Just agree with him, because he just wants to fight......
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I completely agree 100%. I also understand about the math. I thought I would not graduate college b/c of College Algebra. I did, but I think my teacher just took pity on me!
Originally Posted by amy55
I think this is the perfect opportunity to just agree with him and say, OK, perhaps you should look into different living arrangements when you are discharged. Just agree with him, and let it go, then hang up the phone.
MANIPULATION............. BULLCRAP.............INTIMIDATION..........THREATE NING...........
Do not ever defend yourself in these situations. Just agree with him, because he just wants to fight......
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
MANIPULATION............. BULLCRAP.............INTIMIDATION..........THREATE NING...........
Do not ever defend yourself in these situations. Just agree with him, because he just wants to fight......
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Yes, math was my big problem too.
I took it at a community college, did the most calculations of my life figuring how many points I needed for a "C" to transfer the credit, barely got that, and breathed a huge sigh of relief.
I took it at a community college, did the most calculations of my life figuring how many points I needed for a "C" to transfer the credit, barely got that, and breathed a huge sigh of relief.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Have you ever noticed that your AH is generally pissed off at you A LOT? He is the A, he is the abusive one, he is the one making false accusations at you, and YOU are worried about pissing him off and upsetting him.
Chick, you are walking on eggshells. You came here to learn and to help yourself. You've been here several months. You are still feeding into the cycle of the abuser.
Amy55 is spot on - agree with him. STOP accepting the manipulation.
You deserve better than this crap.
Chick, you are walking on eggshells. You came here to learn and to help yourself. You've been here several months. You are still feeding into the cycle of the abuser.
Amy55 is spot on - agree with him. STOP accepting the manipulation.
You deserve better than this crap.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Holy steaming piles of ********. You've seen an improvement in him? That's not saying a whole lot! I'm so relieved to be seeing the light shining on you now and you're realizing just how nuts this guy really is. Yes, God gives us signs, but it's up to us to get our heads out of our asses to see them. Keep doing what you're doing. I suck at math, too. Finally nailed it the third time around. (((HUGS)))
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You already knew he was delusional--this is just more evidence of that.
Yup, this might be the time to drop the rope, quit trying to defend yourself or make him see the light (and the truth), and just say, "Yes, you're probably right, this is never going to work. Let's just end this as peacefully as we can."
The one complication still is his kiddos, right? Any thoughts on that? I'm not suggesting you should continue to subject yourself and YOUR kids to any more of this insanity for the sake of his, but have you talked to a lawyer about the possibility of a guardianship or anything? Even something temporary, until his ability to parent those kids is evaluated?
Yup, this might be the time to drop the rope, quit trying to defend yourself or make him see the light (and the truth), and just say, "Yes, you're probably right, this is never going to work. Let's just end this as peacefully as we can."
The one complication still is his kiddos, right? Any thoughts on that? I'm not suggesting you should continue to subject yourself and YOUR kids to any more of this insanity for the sake of his, but have you talked to a lawyer about the possibility of a guardianship or anything? Even something temporary, until his ability to parent those kids is evaluated?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Originally Posted by NWGRITS
Holy steaming piles of ********. You've seen an improvement in him? That's not saying a whole lot! I'm so relieved to be seeing the light shining on you now and you're realizing just how nuts this guy really is. Yes, God gives us signs, but it's up to us to get our heads out of our asses to see them.
Grits, tell us how you really feel and don't hold anything back
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
freetosmile,
I got this crap all the time. It was always what am I going to do to change, so that he could be nice to me. What kind of crap is that, no matter what I did he wasn't going to be nice to me.
He can't be nice to you, because he is hanging his happiness on you, and if he ain't happy, then you must be doing something horrible to him.
Yes, you are walking on eggshells.
What I would suggest that you do since he is 8 hours away from you right now is get out of that isolation, start making friends, go to community events, volunteer at the school, meet other parents, and start having a life. Have your sister come over. Feel what it is like to be free to choose your own life, your own likes, your own dislikes, that this next 2 + weeks to find "you".
I guarantee you that you are a very likeable person. Look at all the responses you get. You get them because we like you and love you.
He is still trying to control you. I know you see this, perhaps maybe you don't want to believe this, but how long is here there already? Didn't he go before XMas? Over a week, and everything is still your fault.
I don't know algebra either. Tried to teach that to myself once. Thank God I never needed it for something.
But I do know numbers. It is far less likely for an abusive person to give up his control, then for an alcoholic to stop drinking.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
I got this crap all the time. It was always what am I going to do to change, so that he could be nice to me. What kind of crap is that, no matter what I did he wasn't going to be nice to me.
He can't be nice to you, because he is hanging his happiness on you, and if he ain't happy, then you must be doing something horrible to him.
Yes, you are walking on eggshells.
What I would suggest that you do since he is 8 hours away from you right now is get out of that isolation, start making friends, go to community events, volunteer at the school, meet other parents, and start having a life. Have your sister come over. Feel what it is like to be free to choose your own life, your own likes, your own dislikes, that this next 2 + weeks to find "you".
I guarantee you that you are a very likeable person. Look at all the responses you get. You get them because we like you and love you.
He is still trying to control you. I know you see this, perhaps maybe you don't want to believe this, but how long is here there already? Didn't he go before XMas? Over a week, and everything is still your fault.
I don't know algebra either. Tried to teach that to myself once. Thank God I never needed it for something.
But I do know numbers. It is far less likely for an abusive person to give up his control, then for an alcoholic to stop drinking.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
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I basically just handed him everything he needed to have the control again. I'm bad at this. You guys are just probably fed the hell up with me. I'm fed up with myself.
I *could* potentially make it very difficult for him to keep his children. My (his bio) oldest DOESN'T want to live with him. She is VERY angry at him. Probably because I will now be the second "mother" that he will have pushed out of her life. I'm not really sure how to make that happen though. I mean our divorce would be insanely simple. We have no assets (house is mine), vehicles are all paid for, no credit cards, not even banking accounts together, and of course no joint children. I don't see ANY reason why it wouldn't go smoothly. Anything I'm not thinking of here?
The kids...I don't know how to make it happen. I mean he has stated before that if we chose to divorce, I would always have visitations with them and i would always be their "mom".
I think I need to leave him. I don't know of any other way to help myself. Boundaries aren't enough and learning isn't enough if I am constantly under attack. Man, I really got myself in deep...again.
I *could* potentially make it very difficult for him to keep his children. My (his bio) oldest DOESN'T want to live with him. She is VERY angry at him. Probably because I will now be the second "mother" that he will have pushed out of her life. I'm not really sure how to make that happen though. I mean our divorce would be insanely simple. We have no assets (house is mine), vehicles are all paid for, no credit cards, not even banking accounts together, and of course no joint children. I don't see ANY reason why it wouldn't go smoothly. Anything I'm not thinking of here?
The kids...I don't know how to make it happen. I mean he has stated before that if we chose to divorce, I would always have visitations with them and i would always be their "mom".
I think I need to leave him. I don't know of any other way to help myself. Boundaries aren't enough and learning isn't enough if I am constantly under attack. Man, I really got myself in deep...again.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I think Amy55 hit the nail on the head, Agree with him when he says he is thinking about a divorce and stop defending yourself.
Him talking about a divorce might just be a God given opportunity (like in let God?).
PS: Not that I condone violence but I can understand your BIL taking a shovel to his head if he was even half as abusive to him as he is to you
Him talking about a divorce might just be a God given opportunity (like in let God?).
PS: Not that I condone violence but I can understand your BIL taking a shovel to his head if he was even half as abusive to him as he is to you
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
fts, why do you think you just handed back control to him? I know when you are in situations like this you get really confused, and your head is spinning, but you didn't hand back control, he is away, you can do whatever you want to do. You can even refuse his phone calls. I felt the same way you did, I always thought I was on the losing end, but you are not.
When I gave him back the control, was all the times I tried to argue and defend myself. You defend yourself, you give them more ammunition. then you try to defend the further accusations. See, I was so used to defending myself, that I never stopped to say, OK, you're right, we should divorce. You agree with him, what can he argue with then, but of course mine argued that also. I will tell him when he threatened to leave, would say, OK, there's the door, go, please. He wouldn't because I agreed and he wanted to fight. Would tell me he is going to hook up with a ***** for sex, I just said, OK.
My advice, my strong advice is to stop defending yourself. They want us to do that. Learn how to just say OK, I agree we shouldn't be together.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
When I gave him back the control, was all the times I tried to argue and defend myself. You defend yourself, you give them more ammunition. then you try to defend the further accusations. See, I was so used to defending myself, that I never stopped to say, OK, you're right, we should divorce. You agree with him, what can he argue with then, but of course mine argued that also. I will tell him when he threatened to leave, would say, OK, there's the door, go, please. He wouldn't because I agreed and he wanted to fight. Would tell me he is going to hook up with a ***** for sex, I just said, OK.
My advice, my strong advice is to stop defending yourself. They want us to do that. Learn how to just say OK, I agree we shouldn't be together.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi freetosmile,
I'm really sorry you had to endure that awful phone call with him. Sending hugs and positive vibes to you through the interwebs....
It's OK, by the way, that you don't have everything figured out right now, this moment, according to anyone else's agenda.
This is your life and you are the one in the middle of it. You do have a lot on your plate right now, and you are the only one who has to actually work through it all.
You are a very smart and capable woman. Whatever steps you need to take and decisions you need to make, I will completely support you. This even includes just sitting and thinking about your options and what might be best for you.
I am hoping for beautiful, bright, and peaceful days ahead for you. You deserve that happiness.
I'm really sorry you had to endure that awful phone call with him. Sending hugs and positive vibes to you through the interwebs....
It's OK, by the way, that you don't have everything figured out right now, this moment, according to anyone else's agenda.
This is your life and you are the one in the middle of it. You do have a lot on your plate right now, and you are the only one who has to actually work through it all.
You are a very smart and capable woman. Whatever steps you need to take and decisions you need to make, I will completely support you. This even includes just sitting and thinking about your options and what might be best for you.
I am hoping for beautiful, bright, and peaceful days ahead for you. You deserve that happiness.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Freetosmile....
I have a really good idea (we should take advantage of this phenom., believe me).
Hire a tutor for the Algebra difficulty. get into one of the programs or one to one a college student they have to advertise even in Nebraska, and be honest with the tutor...tell them what you need to focus on, what you need to pass to get your RN license.
(I hated algebra too, but I have to do algorithms for my job so its good that I am able to function)....chemistry is easier, you can do this....get the tutor and do a couple of weeks of intensive studying. then you will have more confidence and can move on with your own life.
right now, you have to compartmentalize to survive. He is safely tucked away at Camp Detox...concentrate on YOUR life...that is the most important thing to do. don't even answer his garbage messages and his attempts to wreak havoc from a distance. it upsets you and you will lose focus from your studies.
(I proctor senior med students thorug surgery to graduate, I am giving you the same schtick). You can do this, but you have to put all the garbage in the bin for now, it will still be there after you pass algebra, I can almost guarantee it.
I have a really good idea (we should take advantage of this phenom., believe me).
Hire a tutor for the Algebra difficulty. get into one of the programs or one to one a college student they have to advertise even in Nebraska, and be honest with the tutor...tell them what you need to focus on, what you need to pass to get your RN license.
(I hated algebra too, but I have to do algorithms for my job so its good that I am able to function)....chemistry is easier, you can do this....get the tutor and do a couple of weeks of intensive studying. then you will have more confidence and can move on with your own life.
right now, you have to compartmentalize to survive. He is safely tucked away at Camp Detox...concentrate on YOUR life...that is the most important thing to do. don't even answer his garbage messages and his attempts to wreak havoc from a distance. it upsets you and you will lose focus from your studies.
(I proctor senior med students thorug surgery to graduate, I am giving you the same schtick). You can do this, but you have to put all the garbage in the bin for now, it will still be there after you pass algebra, I can almost guarantee it.
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Originally Posted by Carlotta
I think Amy55 hit the nail on the head, Agree with him when he says he is thinking about a divorce and stop defending yourself.
Him talking about a divorce might just be a God given opportunity (like in let God?).
PS: Not that I condone violence but I can understand your BIL taking a shovel to his head if he was even half as abusive to him as he is to you
Him talking about a divorce might just be a God given opportunity (like in let God?).
PS: Not that I condone violence but I can understand your BIL taking a shovel to his head if he was even half as abusive to him as he is to you
In fact his counselor called me today. Told me AH had a nervous breakdown and tried to check himself out. Counselor talked him out of it. AH cried. I'm glad for him that he cried. He needed that. And I need less of that.
I'm pretty firm that I must leave. I need to just plan.
I'm pretty pissed off right now, and hurt.
For the record, however, it was BIL that abused AH. Shovels to the head were when AH was young boy (7-8). AH used to hide behind the dumpster when his mom went to work and wait until the neighbor lady got home because BIL beat him and his siblings up so bad. BIL stepped on a cat so hard it's intestines came out. BIL is bad news.
Anyway...not my problem. I just need to start planning. I've planned before, but I feel pretty sure about this.
It's just over.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Free, you could call the local child welfare agency and talk to someone. It doesn't sound to me like the kids would be safe with him. It isn't about "punishing" him by taking away his kids, it's about making sure that the kids have a safe home to live in.
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Originally Posted by Fandy
Freetosmile....
I have a really good idea (we should take advantage of this phenom., believe me).
Hire a tutor for the Algebra difficulty. get into one of the programs or one to one a college student they have to advertise even in Nebraska, and be honest with the tutor...tell them what you need to focus on, what you need to pass to get your RN license.
(I hated algebra too, but I have to do algorithms for my job so its good that I am able to function)....chemistry is easier, you can do this....get the tutor and do a couple of weeks of intensive studying. then you will have more confidence and can move on with your own life.
right now, you have to compartmentalize to survive. He is safely tucked away at Camp Detox...concentrate on YOUR life...that is the most important thing to do. don't even answer his garbage messages and his attempts to wreak havoc from a distance. it upsets you and you will lose focus from your studies.
(I proctor senior med students thorug surgery to graduate, I am giving you the same schtick). You can do this, but you have to put all the garbage in the bin for now, it will still be there after you pass algebra, I can almost guarantee it.
I have a really good idea (we should take advantage of this phenom., believe me).
Hire a tutor for the Algebra difficulty. get into one of the programs or one to one a college student they have to advertise even in Nebraska, and be honest with the tutor...tell them what you need to focus on, what you need to pass to get your RN license.
(I hated algebra too, but I have to do algorithms for my job so its good that I am able to function)....chemistry is easier, you can do this....get the tutor and do a couple of weeks of intensive studying. then you will have more confidence and can move on with your own life.
right now, you have to compartmentalize to survive. He is safely tucked away at Camp Detox...concentrate on YOUR life...that is the most important thing to do. don't even answer his garbage messages and his attempts to wreak havoc from a distance. it upsets you and you will lose focus from your studies.
(I proctor senior med students thorug surgery to graduate, I am giving you the same schtick). You can do this, but you have to put all the garbage in the bin for now, it will still be there after you pass algebra, I can almost guarantee it.
Thanks for this idea...it takes my mind off of this madness and puts me back in the real world. I need the real world more than I thought I did.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile....I'm with Seren, here. You have a lot of feedback to process. Take some time to just sit and contemplate what options and actions would be the Best For You.
(for you--not him). It may take several sittings. Just keep thinking about it---and write them down on paper, if that helps. You need to be quiet and peaceful to think.....
From where I sit....it looks like the most imposing factor is his abusiveness and the almost certainty that things will only worsen (for you) if he were to return straight back to the house. Consider the considerable feedback you have been given on how to prevent him returning to the home.
when you have a peaceful home....without his presence...then, you will have the time and space to make your more long term plans.
(You also have your therapist to pass your thoughts and plan by)
step by step, you can work you way through this.
dandylion
(for you--not him). It may take several sittings. Just keep thinking about it---and write them down on paper, if that helps. You need to be quiet and peaceful to think.....
From where I sit....it looks like the most imposing factor is his abusiveness and the almost certainty that things will only worsen (for you) if he were to return straight back to the house. Consider the considerable feedback you have been given on how to prevent him returning to the home.
when you have a peaceful home....without his presence...then, you will have the time and space to make your more long term plans.
(You also have your therapist to pass your thoughts and plan by)
step by step, you can work you way through this.
dandylion
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