New year, new start
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 16
New year, new start
Hi Everyone -
I've been out of action for a while - well...a little distracted is nearer the mark. STBXAH and I are engaged in what can only be described as a horrific divorce. He is actively drinking - massive quantities - and has not been sober (other than for max 4 days on one occasion) since July. The escalation in abuse and venom over the past year has been beyond belief, and the situation was rapidly becoming untenable. AH is abusive - not physically, but verbally and emotionally, to the extent that just before christmas I had what can only be termed a breakdown at work. That's just not my style - I'm pretty robust usually - at least on the outside, and certainly in areas where my livelihood is concerned.
So...I went home, packed a bag, went to stay with my mom, and with friends, and haven't been back since. In a couple of weeks time, I'll take up the tenancy of a rental unit nearby. So although it will cost more than I can afford, I took the plunge and signed on the dotted line. Me and my cats, we're out of there.
In retrospect, I can't believe that it took me so long to get to this point; and he still doesn't know. Not sure how I'm going to break that news. Still it will be pretty obvious when the removal wagon turns up and half the furniture makes an exit up the road. Just so that no-one things I'm being truly callous, that's my third generation family furniture, so where I go, it comes too. Love me love my chairs eh?
The new place is only small, but it's safe and it's all mine
and hopefully at long last, I can start to find myself again, and quit being an anxious nervous gibbering wreck.
So many of the messages on here gave me real strength, and without them I'm not sure that I would have had the courage to ultimately say 'stuff it' and make the leap. Especially those of you who said that anyone who had walked away from an abusive situation with pretty much nothing, very few ever regretted it, mourned the loss of the material things, or didn't celebrate that day with new found liberation...
So thanks everyone, for those messages of hope. Liberation is mine, it seems!
Illo xxx
I've been out of action for a while - well...a little distracted is nearer the mark. STBXAH and I are engaged in what can only be described as a horrific divorce. He is actively drinking - massive quantities - and has not been sober (other than for max 4 days on one occasion) since July. The escalation in abuse and venom over the past year has been beyond belief, and the situation was rapidly becoming untenable. AH is abusive - not physically, but verbally and emotionally, to the extent that just before christmas I had what can only be termed a breakdown at work. That's just not my style - I'm pretty robust usually - at least on the outside, and certainly in areas where my livelihood is concerned.
So...I went home, packed a bag, went to stay with my mom, and with friends, and haven't been back since. In a couple of weeks time, I'll take up the tenancy of a rental unit nearby. So although it will cost more than I can afford, I took the plunge and signed on the dotted line. Me and my cats, we're out of there.
In retrospect, I can't believe that it took me so long to get to this point; and he still doesn't know. Not sure how I'm going to break that news. Still it will be pretty obvious when the removal wagon turns up and half the furniture makes an exit up the road. Just so that no-one things I'm being truly callous, that's my third generation family furniture, so where I go, it comes too. Love me love my chairs eh?
The new place is only small, but it's safe and it's all mine
and hopefully at long last, I can start to find myself again, and quit being an anxious nervous gibbering wreck.
So many of the messages on here gave me real strength, and without them I'm not sure that I would have had the courage to ultimately say 'stuff it' and make the leap. Especially those of you who said that anyone who had walked away from an abusive situation with pretty much nothing, very few ever regretted it, mourned the loss of the material things, or didn't celebrate that day with new found liberation...
So thanks everyone, for those messages of hope. Liberation is mine, it seems!
Illo xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 16
Thank you so much! It took so long for me to pluck up the courage to do this; the thought of the fallout that is on its way is still daunting. But I'm trying to stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel!
Xxxxxx
Xxxxxx
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Congrats on your impending freedom! Though you REALLY became free when you decided you were not going to continue to live that way anymore.
You will love it--being on your own. May feel at loose ends at first (just because everything seems unfamiliar--other than the furniture), but that will pass.
Hugs,
You will love it--being on your own. May feel at loose ends at first (just because everything seems unfamiliar--other than the furniture), but that will pass.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 80
I just broke up with my AEXBF and I'm so glad I'm not alone in the new road to freedom. I can't wait for the days where I'm worry free and not counting the amount of alcohol he is drinking.
Here's to a new start to the both of us
Here's to a new start to the both of us
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 16
Well done you Holly, it's a big step, and for me it feels like a leap into the unknown. I know my work HR dept provided references for me today, so,it's jut dotting the i's and crossing the t's. I have to say I can feel the anxiety levels dropping even now, just knowing that I can put an end (other than when absolutely necessary) to all of the nonsense that has dogged me pretty much constantly (although at some times more than others) for more years now than I care to mention.
My therapist said that panic and anxiety are natural reactions, and perfectly normal - in moderation. What's not normal is to be on red alert for literally months or years at a time. We're just not geared up to cope with that level of fight or flight reaction. So it's no surprise that it takes the toll that it does. I'm surprised my adrenal glands have got anything left to give!
Big hugs to you...you'll do just great!
Xxxx
My therapist said that panic and anxiety are natural reactions, and perfectly normal - in moderation. What's not normal is to be on red alert for literally months or years at a time. We're just not geared up to cope with that level of fight or flight reaction. So it's no surprise that it takes the toll that it does. I'm surprised my adrenal glands have got anything left to give!
Big hugs to you...you'll do just great!
Xxxx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Illo
I admire your courage and thank you for your post.
My mate and I have seen each other 4 times in 10 months. It has been hard enough even under those conditions. I cannot imagine extricating myself from our "deal" if I had still been living there.
The "venim" you mentioned in your opening post seems to synthesize directly from too much alcohol intake. Odd how this happens!
I wish you and your kitties all the best!
I admire your courage and thank you for your post.
My mate and I have seen each other 4 times in 10 months. It has been hard enough even under those conditions. I cannot imagine extricating myself from our "deal" if I had still been living there.
The "venim" you mentioned in your opening post seems to synthesize directly from too much alcohol intake. Odd how this happens!
I wish you and your kitties all the best!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by illo 
Well done you Holly, it's a big step, and for me it feels like a leap into the unknown. I know my work HR dept provided references for me today, so,it's jut dotting the i's and crossing the t's. I have to say I can feel the anxiety levels dropping even now, just knowing that I can put an end (other than when absolutely necessary) to all of the nonsense that has dogged me pretty much constantly (although at some times more than others) for more years now than I care to mention.
My therapist said that panic and anxiety are natural reactions, and perfectly normal - in moderation. What's not normal is to be on red alert for literally months or years at a time. We're just not geared up to cope with that level of fight or flight reaction. So it's no surprise that it takes the toll that it does. I'm surprised my adrenal glands have got anything left to give!
Big hugs to you...you'll do just great!
Xxxx
My therapist said that panic and anxiety are natural reactions, and perfectly normal - in moderation. What's not normal is to be on red alert for literally months or years at a time. We're just not geared up to cope with that level of fight or flight reaction. So it's no surprise that it takes the toll that it does. I'm surprised my adrenal glands have got anything left to give!
Big hugs to you...you'll do just great!
Xxxx
Please reach out to me. We'll get through this together
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