suncatcher

I have remained friends with my A. I feel I have detached enough to where I can be his friend without getting enmeshed the way I was when I was his "girlfriend". I have been helping him recover from a recent surgery and I work night shift. I did lose some sleep from helping him out during the day when I should have been sleeping and had a rough night at work last week. A nurse I work with said some harsh words to me. She told me if I kept on this path she would be seeing me in a casket and that I needed to stop spending my time with negative people and users, that I had zero self esteem and to hold my head up and start using my talents and go to church etc. I know she meant well and I did tell my ex bf/ friend that I couldn't help him on days I have to work. I know I need to sleep on those days in order to be productive at my job. Still I found myself resenting my Co worker for thinking if me in that light. I am a hard worker but since she knows my past history with him and knows he's an A she still judges me for helping him and being friends with him. Does anyone else relate and get similar negative feedback? How do you deal with it. And am I wrong? Advice appreciated. And Happy New Year!

freetosmile

That was inappropriate of her to say IMO. Wow, it was pretty harsh, if you think about it! You made the choice to HELP this person. It's not like you were getting yourself sucked back into the BS, you simply decided to help. That is YOUR choice.
She is entitled to her opinion, but I do believe it was hurtful. And the church thing, are you even a church goer? or is she pushing that on you too?
I do get negative feedback for me and my A...but I am new to recovery and probably needed the negative feedback to help me take off my rose colored glasses.
Stay true to you. If you want to help this person, then that is your call. And your co-worker should probably respect personal boundaries!

happy new year to you as well

Needabreak

It depends. Did your co-worker say these things because you weren't performing well on the job due to lack of sleep? If so, you're over-extending yourself and putting your job at risk.

If not, then what you do in your time out of work is none of her business, and you might want to share fewer details about your own life with her.

CAPTAINZING2000

Long as you know the clear distinction between helping and enabling?

dandylion

Suncatcher....it sounds like your co-worker has an in-your-face kind of style.
I'll bet, though, if you put her bruskness aside...that she does care about your welfare, down deep inside. (I don't really know her, of course).

One thing that I learned to do many years ago when it comes to criticisisms that are lobed at me.....is to take a "time out" and honesty asses, to myself, if there is any actual validity to the criticism. Now..this is one of the most brave and fearful things to do!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is really hard to be honest with ones self about any shortcomings that we might have. 'cause we don't always like the answer...LOL! Self examination can be a real b****.
Now..if there is no merit there....feel free to let it go. Tell yourself that everyone has an opinion....and, that what they think of you is none of your business. What you think and know of yourself is the important concern.

I have learned, through experience is to share personal details of my life with only those who have a "need to know" or those who I know (for sure) understand me and care deeply for me.

So....yes, I have had similar experiences to the one you have described!....LOL!

This is all part of your learning curve, I think....

dandylon

suncatcher

Thanks freetosmile. I did tell her that I had a had my own personal relationship with God even if I do not attend church. I do feel this Co worker is a bit high and mighty in her opinions and I kind of shrugged it off ..something I have learned to do in my recovery. I sometimes need to detach from people like her too. I think people just worry that I'm going to get sucked back in but I won't let that happen. If anything her comments make me stronger in my resolve to keep working on me. It also makes me keep my distance at work and not bring my personal life to the work place. I've been bringing a book to read instead of talking about my life.

suncatcher

Thanks everyone. You all have valid points. I was having a very hard time keeping my eyes open at the end of my shift but I had gotten all of my work done and had stayed busy all night. It was when I sat down that it caught up to me and I nodded off. I have also seen this nurse nod off before herself. But yes I do have to make sure I'm not enabling as he does like to play on my sympathy at times. Dandy, I agree it is good to examine ourselves from time to time and sometimes we need to hear those harsh words to put us in the right direction. I know I have the codependency thing and I have to work at not letting it take over. It is my first instinct to rush in and come to the rescue lol I have to remember I'm not frigging mighty mouse! I did show him how to do things for himself dealing with his catheter and colostomy. I knew it was overwhelming for him at first though and was glad to be there for him. It's a balancing act to help but not help too much especially at our own expense.

suncatcher

Btw I worked last night with the same nurse and I made sure I had my coffee vitamin c and a Starbucks energy drink to carry me through the night! I hate to be tired at work and normally put my sleep as a priority. I knew I was depleting myself and was angry that I let myself get to that point. It is a learning curve ..those little set backs where we have to reel ourselves back in. Thanks SR friends for listening. I wish everyone here a happy healthy new year with new insights and possibilities and personal growth!

Carlotta

I just wonder who brought up the subject of the A in the first place.
If she jumped down your throat about it just because your were nodding, it is inappropriate and she crossed your boundaries.
On another hand, if you are the one who brought up that you were exhausted because once again your were helping your A and bla bla bla bla you basically opened the door for it.

suncatcher

She knew I was helping him but I didn't bring it up that night and I was actually exhausted because I had Christmas at my mom's that day but didn't comment about it. I think she assumed it was because of him.

suncatcher

Carlotta, you are right though, I have learned to not talk about what is going on with my A because it does open that door for them to say why are you still dealing with him? It makes me look like the ass in their eyes. So I'm going to just keep quiet about him. Night shift people share their stories when things get quiet at night but sometimes we can share too much.

Carlotta

Yes! I don't share personal things at work because it has a way to come bite you in the butt sooner or later.

suncatcher

Love the grumpy cat!

suncatcher

My new mantra when I am tempted to discuss the A at work: save it for SR! You all are the lucky recipients! Thanks guys! Lol

NYCDoglvr

Offering unsolicited advice is wrong! If you want her opinion on your life you'll ask her. Next time make an excuse and walk away if she starts judging you.

Hawks

Look what happened to Jesus and all he ever did was help.

Scores of people criticize the Red Cross and World Vision.

It's just the way it goes.

Some people care, some people dismiss.

Don't stop caring.

freetosmile

Ha! Well between your dysfunction and MY dysfunction...we should give these kind folks here a run for their money. Get some sleep!!!

Chantal88

Suncatcher -

It sounds to me like your coworker was being verbally abusive towards you. Often times people who are close to us can get away with being abusive in this way because we are vulnerable and open with them and they are "well intentioned" or "just trying to help us". You must understand that an attack like that is NEVER warranted. A person always deserves respect, period.

It seems to me like you need to set some boundaries with this person. In the past when I've been in situations like that, I usually go over in my head what I want to say first. You may even try confiding in another (supportive and non-abusive) friend and asking them for feedback. Tell them what you want to tell her and see what they think. Remember that you want to be direct, but not angry or hurtful. Basically you want to let this person know that she crossed some major boundaries when she attacked you and that it is not okay with you. You told her about your problems because you trusted her, not because you wanted to be open to her intruding on your life.

I had a friend who was constantly attacking me in this way. She claimed she was just being "honest" and saying things as she saw it. But I know abuse when I see it and I called her out on it. Despite multiple conversations my "friend" refused to respect my boundaries, so I ultimately had to end the friendship. I even went so far as to block her number from my phone because I knew she would try to contact me again.

I don't know your situation. If this is the first time this has happened, an honest talk may be all that it takes to make things right. But if your friend has a pattern of attacking you, being condescending and making judgmental comments - it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

Carlotta

Ah!!! You two have not seen me in action when I get started: Amateurs!

hopeful4

What she said was inappropriate. No question.

However....and I know I am taking a risk by saying this, but it is how I feel; do you really think it is your responsibility or healthy for YOU to be taking care of him in this way? I say this b/c I "took care" of my X for a very long time. Even now that we are divorced, he still tries to get me to take care of things for him that are not my responsibility. I don't think it would be mentally healthy of me to do so, for myself nor for him.

Tight Hugs.