Bekindalways

Nero, I am so sorry that clarity of what you need to do comes in this manner.

Please take care of yourself: eat super healthy, get some exercise, stay hydrated and be kind to yourself.

FeelingGreat

Does this affect your decision to leave? I'm not sure whether 'counting on' means hoping for, or just expecting.

Because she's going to come up with the usual repertoire of AA, Big Book, counselling, reasonable behaviour etc. You don't seem able to cope with that, and it bought her another year last time.

Nero427

It's what I expect her to do, it worked last time right?
Not this time though.

FeelingGreat

She was probably sincere at the time, and probably will be again, but wanting and doing are poles apart. I don't know how many times I promised my self I'd stop drinking, only to give in later.

At some point you have to protect yourself.

Hawkeye13

Retaining your lawyer and filing your paperwork immediately
will show her you aren't interested in repeating the pattern--

I don't know how upsetting you find talking to her,
but you may want to minimize contact at least for awhile
to protect your own emotions.

I expect they will seesaw all over the place.
You have been married a long time and there is love there.
Addicts really know how to go after the vulnerable parts of us
because they know us so well. Protect yourself.

Nero427

Blood alcohol was at .32 when she was taken to the ER last night. They finally got the level down this afternoon and then transferred her to another hospital for mental eval. Given enough time she could have killed herself just as easily with vodka as she could with a gun.

I had to bring her meds to the hospital before she was transported. Told her then that it's over between us. Better for her to deal with it now than down the road.

LexieCat

Sorry to hear all this. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.

And yes, best that she gets the news where she is now, where she'll have whatever support she needs to process it. The help is there for her, but it will be up to her to accept it once her head clears enough to know which end is up. Remember, what she does from here on is HER deal, not your responsibility.

You sound very grounded right now. If you find your moorings are slipping, post here--we'll get you grounded again.

Hugs,

Refiner

Hi, Nero... how is it going? Is she back in the house and what is the mood after you told her it was over and you're done?

Nero427

She's still in the hospital for mental evaluation. Initially she was going to be there until next Sunday, but she may get out sooner, no idea when though. When she's released I'll be moved to another place. No way we'll be under the same roof for any length of time.
At first she was either pleading her way back into the marriage or being sarcastic about me leaving. She says its all her fault, but without conviction.

Refiner

Thanks for the update. Yeah, I think they can only hold her for 72 hours at least that's what it is in my state. That means she'll likely get out tomorrow. Can you find a place that quick or are you going to one of those efficiency hotels?

BDG4488

Thank you for sharing your story, Nero. It's very eye opening to read the events over the course of the year. I wish you peace as you continue through the process and I look forward to reading your updates.

Nero427

My parents go to Florida every winter, so I can house sit for them. And I'll have an apartment lined up by the time they get back.

HHTexas

As someone who is at the same point in the process, just wanted to give you encouragement. I just keep telling myself at this time next year I won't recognize my life. Should I Stay or Should I Go (book) has been very eye opening.

firebolt

Enjoy your peace Nero. It was always when I got away by myself with family or friends for a few days that I could really 'see' how much better I felt without an alcoholic in my home. I literal weight is lifted when we're away from them! Peace to you - you deserve it!

Nero427

She was released from the hospital today, I had to be there for a family counseling meeting where we went over her plans for treatment and meds, etc, etc. She was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and prescribed Lexapro. The councilor called her sponsor and made plans for her to go to a meeting tonight. She goes from apologizing for everything to blaming me for everything. I dropped her off at home and went on my way.

Hawkeye13

Sounds like you have an excellent attitude about this
as much as possible anyway in a tough situation

Take care and keep moving forward like you are

Nero427

Things are almost moving way too fast for me now.

I was planning on having a place of my own in a month or so. But a courtesy officer job (security position for Police officers for reduced rent) opened up at a really nice apartment complex in our town. Rent is half off with a lot of fees and such waived. These gigs don't come along often, and normally are at the really bad complexes. The kicker is I have to take possession next Friday!
Uggghhh...growing pit in my stomach.

I keep telling myself: If I want to change I have to be willing to be uncomfortable and The familiar is easy but the unknown is challenging.

hopeful4

Do it Nero. She has not accepted responsibility for her behavior, or she would not be waffling, she would be accepting 100% responsibility, and deciding she has to work on herself, every single day, for the rest of her life. It's a HUGE responsibility that not many are willing to make.

It sounds like a great gig that opened up. I hope you look at what is good for YOU, and do what seems right.

Many hugs!

Refiner

Do you think your higher power may be telling you something? You're not contemplating NOT taking this, are you? This is AWESOME!!!! You need to get away from her and let her get well... or else see where it goes!

Nero427

Good news: I took it!
I put down the deposit and move in next weekend. I'll see my attorney next week and get that ball rolling as well.
Good new for both of us, now that she lost her job it frees up her retirement money and she can pay off some mutual debt and simplify her finances. Last step will be to refinance the house in her name.
Despite all the hardship, I don't have any ill will toward her, and just want us to go in our separate ways as comfortably as possible.
The sad thing is she only sees it from her point of view, losing a husband who always took care of her and loved her unconditionally for years. And can't understand why we can't just separate for a couple of months and see how it goes.