thelionhearted

My XAF has a friend who says he is sober. However, he is not actively working a program. This friend is aware of my AF's alcoholism, but has encouraged him to drink (I've witnessed this). He also has an explosive temper and attempts to center every conversation around his many prejudices (ethnic, gender, sexual orientation) and how he is superior. He also has a pretty troubled marriage (his wife has had several affairs and is suspected of continuing to be unfaithful. The friend is entitled to say and do as he pleases, but I don't care to be around him and I've told my AF as much. I've also supported my words with actions. This has not gone over well with my AF, but I've held firm. I've also put some distance between me and my AF (we do not live together).

My AF, who has periods of sobriety followed by periods of binge drinking) says he takes his friend with a grain of salt. I know he does not agree with much of what his friend says (regarding the biases) and claims that his friend does not have much influence in his life. I am trying to stay on my side of the street and work my program, go to Al-Anon meetings, continue with counseling, and detach with love (as opposed to an ax.

However, I have noticed that since his friend came into his life (I should add that they work closely together and don't have my other friends) my AF's tendency to take responsibility for his actions has decreased and his sense of superiority, entitlement, and short temper have increased. His recovery has also wavered (he stopped going to AA) and he is more likely to blame me for the problems in our relationship. Finally, the friend appears to hint that I am somewhat of a wet blanket for drawing boundaries, etc. and that he should do whatever makes him happy - apparently, even if this involves drinking. Quite frankly, this ticks me off to no end. I am trying to not let the friend's attempts to control and manipulate affect me, but it is hard. Very hard. Sometimes I can let it go and sometimes not. Suggestions are appreciated. Thanks for letting me vent.

Please understand that I am not saying the friend is causing my AF's alcoholism or relapsing ... I'm just wondering if alcoholics influence one another with respect to their behavior - even if one is not actively drinking.

Thanks, Lion

LexieCat

Well, they always told me in AA to "stick with the winners" when I was newly sober. I wouldn't say "dry drunk" is contagious, exactly, but people, places and things can have either a positive or negative impact on recovery.