It's not the relapse, it's the lying and denial
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ayer, MA
Posts: 87
It's not the relapse, it's the lying and denial
Hello, everyone:
I am in a relationship with a pretty severe alcoholic. We have a six year old son together. He has put me through a lot of pain and verbal/emotional/sexual abuse over the years, all due to his behavior when he is drinking. I have taken my son and left him several times.
About 2 months ago, he put himself in detox for the second time this year, and he was attending AA meetings a few times a week, as well as a support group that he was really getting a lot of help from. He was also on medication that is supposed to make him sick if he drinks.
Low and behold, his insurance ran out because he was fired from his job (for drinking), so he had to stop going to his group therapy. And he stopped taking the medication. Then he started skipping AA meetings. Then the holidays happened. On Christmas Eve, we went to my Boss' house. I knew he was drinking that day, but I didn't say anything because I knew he was struggling with his family asking him to go to their Christmas Eve gathering. I am not welcome there, because his family puts all of the blame squarely on me, even though alcoholism runs rampant in his family. He was actually living with his alcoholic mother when he was right out of rehab, and she would not only drink in front of him, but she would ask him to buy her beer. And yet this is MY fault...
Anyway, things were going really well with us. We got back together, and are currently living together once again. I had so much hope that things were going to get better. I was even going to AA meetings with him, not to make sure he went, but because I have my own struggles with alcohol, and I wanted to support him as much as I possibly could...leading by example and all that.
When I caught him drinking at my Boss' house, I was absolutely livid. Not because he relapsed, because I was expecting that. But because he lied about it. Apparently he thinks I'm too stupid to notice. He tried to argue with me on the way home, with our son in the back seat. I was fed up, and did not want yet another Christmas spoiled for my son, so I told him to get out of the car. In the rain. And I left him there, went home, put my son to bed, and started wrapping presents. I was determined to make Christmas special and happy for our boy.
The next morning, he called me a bunch of times, begging me to come get him. I told him I would AFTER our son woke up and saw what Santa brought him. But of course, that decision made me the most selfish person in the world.
He managed to stay sober for the next few days, and Sunday night, I left my son with my parents for the night, and we went to our favorite meeting. I felt like things were getting back on track, and we had a wonderful evening together.
Yesterday morning, I went to work as usual. He is not working right now, doesn't have a car, and was alone all day yesterday. When my son and I got home last night, nothing seemed out of the norm. I had been texting him all day, telling him how proud I was that he slipped but didn't go down the rabbit hole...that these actions were making me fall deeper in love with him. Then I caught a whiff of beer, and my heart SANK. I tried to indirectly let him know that I knew he was drinking, but he didn't get it, or at least he said he didn't. And he got upset that my mood went from up to depressed in a matter of seconds. I calmly let him know it's because I knew he had been drinking, and that I didn't know how to approach it. He went on and on with excuses, as alcoholics do. And he went to bed pissed at me, then pissed again because I wanted to sleep on the couch.
I feel awful about all of this. Really sick to my stomach. Was I wrong to call him out about it! I really was very gentle and non-judgmental about it. Apparently, I did the wrong thing. Now I kind of feel like cutting myself. I am just so sad and depressed, and I feel like I derailed his recovery by not keeping my mouth shut.
Thanks for listening.
I am in a relationship with a pretty severe alcoholic. We have a six year old son together. He has put me through a lot of pain and verbal/emotional/sexual abuse over the years, all due to his behavior when he is drinking. I have taken my son and left him several times.
About 2 months ago, he put himself in detox for the second time this year, and he was attending AA meetings a few times a week, as well as a support group that he was really getting a lot of help from. He was also on medication that is supposed to make him sick if he drinks.
Low and behold, his insurance ran out because he was fired from his job (for drinking), so he had to stop going to his group therapy. And he stopped taking the medication. Then he started skipping AA meetings. Then the holidays happened. On Christmas Eve, we went to my Boss' house. I knew he was drinking that day, but I didn't say anything because I knew he was struggling with his family asking him to go to their Christmas Eve gathering. I am not welcome there, because his family puts all of the blame squarely on me, even though alcoholism runs rampant in his family. He was actually living with his alcoholic mother when he was right out of rehab, and she would not only drink in front of him, but she would ask him to buy her beer. And yet this is MY fault...
Anyway, things were going really well with us. We got back together, and are currently living together once again. I had so much hope that things were going to get better. I was even going to AA meetings with him, not to make sure he went, but because I have my own struggles with alcohol, and I wanted to support him as much as I possibly could...leading by example and all that.
When I caught him drinking at my Boss' house, I was absolutely livid. Not because he relapsed, because I was expecting that. But because he lied about it. Apparently he thinks I'm too stupid to notice. He tried to argue with me on the way home, with our son in the back seat. I was fed up, and did not want yet another Christmas spoiled for my son, so I told him to get out of the car. In the rain. And I left him there, went home, put my son to bed, and started wrapping presents. I was determined to make Christmas special and happy for our boy.
The next morning, he called me a bunch of times, begging me to come get him. I told him I would AFTER our son woke up and saw what Santa brought him. But of course, that decision made me the most selfish person in the world.
He managed to stay sober for the next few days, and Sunday night, I left my son with my parents for the night, and we went to our favorite meeting. I felt like things were getting back on track, and we had a wonderful evening together.
Yesterday morning, I went to work as usual. He is not working right now, doesn't have a car, and was alone all day yesterday. When my son and I got home last night, nothing seemed out of the norm. I had been texting him all day, telling him how proud I was that he slipped but didn't go down the rabbit hole...that these actions were making me fall deeper in love with him. Then I caught a whiff of beer, and my heart SANK. I tried to indirectly let him know that I knew he was drinking, but he didn't get it, or at least he said he didn't. And he got upset that my mood went from up to depressed in a matter of seconds. I calmly let him know it's because I knew he had been drinking, and that I didn't know how to approach it. He went on and on with excuses, as alcoholics do. And he went to bed pissed at me, then pissed again because I wanted to sleep on the couch.
I feel awful about all of this. Really sick to my stomach. Was I wrong to call him out about it! I really was very gentle and non-judgmental about it. Apparently, I did the wrong thing. Now I kind of feel like cutting myself. I am just so sad and depressed, and I feel like I derailed his recovery by not keeping my mouth shut.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
It is not your fault. He has to take his own sobriety and be responsible for it.
Every ounce of guilt you take is leading you away from your own feelings. It is all about him and it should be all about you and your son.I know you love him and it hurts but it is time to put the focus where it belongs.
Nothing you do or don't do is going to change him. Nothing you do or don't do is going to make him suddenly honest. Nothing you do or don't do is going to get him out of denial and back to the rooms of AA. He has to do that on his own.
Every ounce of guilt you take is leading you away from your own feelings. It is all about him and it should be all about you and your son.I know you love him and it hurts but it is time to put the focus where it belongs.
Nothing you do or don't do is going to change him. Nothing you do or don't do is going to make him suddenly honest. Nothing you do or don't do is going to get him out of denial and back to the rooms of AA. He has to do that on his own.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Lying is PART of the relapse. It is an integral part of the disease, so the lying shouldn't shock you. It will continue to happen unless/until he gets firmly grounded in his recovery.
Incidentally, it isn't a great idea to ever tell an alcoholic you're "proud" of how they "managed" a slip by not going "too far" with the drinking. There is NO managing alcohol, for an alcoholic. Even if they get back into recovery and redouble their efforts (which is a good thing), it isn't because they "managed" the slip well.
As a recovered alcoholic, one of the things I know about myself and my drinking is that if I were to pick up a drink today, probably nothing that dramatic would happen. I was always able to "manage" my drinking for discrete periods of time--but there was always a rebound effect for me, and I know that within a matter of days or weeks I would be right back where I was. So for me, feeling like I "managed" a slip well would be reinforcing my delusion that if I try HARD enough, I could control it. And having someone else suggest to me that I was in control would just be further reinforcement of that insane idea.
Incidentally, it isn't a great idea to ever tell an alcoholic you're "proud" of how they "managed" a slip by not going "too far" with the drinking. There is NO managing alcohol, for an alcoholic. Even if they get back into recovery and redouble their efforts (which is a good thing), it isn't because they "managed" the slip well.
As a recovered alcoholic, one of the things I know about myself and my drinking is that if I were to pick up a drink today, probably nothing that dramatic would happen. I was always able to "manage" my drinking for discrete periods of time--but there was always a rebound effect for me, and I know that within a matter of days or weeks I would be right back where I was. So for me, feeling like I "managed" a slip well would be reinforcing my delusion that if I try HARD enough, I could control it. And having someone else suggest to me that I was in control would just be further reinforcement of that insane idea.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
With alcoholism, comes lying and denial, especially when someone points out the obvious that the alcoholic would like to keep hidden.
Which relationship is more important to save for you? The one that leads you into hysteria, madness, cutting, and pain? Or the one with this sweet child who needs a confident, strong and loving mother who would never hurt him or herself because HE NEEDS HER more than King Baby does?!
Which relationship is more important to save for you? The one that leads you into hysteria, madness, cutting, and pain? Or the one with this sweet child who needs a confident, strong and loving mother who would never hurt him or herself because HE NEEDS HER more than King Baby does?!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
NerdlyBrauty.....If you would like to have more of an intellectual understanding of why an alcoholic lies (they all do)....google the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.---especially, read the article: "Addictions , Lies, and Relationships.".
Actually, after the time you h ave spent in AA--I am surprised that you seem so bushwacked by this.....LOL!
There is a lot to learn about this disease---the "stickies" at the top of F&F main page are actually l ike a "crash course" in alcoholism and co-dependency. Especially, read all the articles under "CLASSIC READINGS"! Also, if you haven't read "Co-Dependent No More"--now would be a good time--it is practically classic reading material in these parts.
Knowledge is power.
My dear, as much as you would like to control his drinking....you never will be able to do that. It is not your fault that he is an alcoholic---and, you can't fix it. He will have to want to do that for himself.
I would suggest that you back away from his recovery program...no more attending with him; no more praising him (this stuff is the job of his AA group and his sponsor). Ironically...the more you try to "assist" him...the more he will secretly resent you and it will surely backfire o n you, down the road.
I am pretty sure, that this is not the stuff y ou want to hear, right now. I am sorry....but, I feel for you and I do want to help y ou.
sincerely,
dandylion
Actually, after the time you h ave spent in AA--I am surprised that you seem so bushwacked by this.....LOL!
There is a lot to learn about this disease---the "stickies" at the top of F&F main page are actually l ike a "crash course" in alcoholism and co-dependency. Especially, read all the articles under "CLASSIC READINGS"! Also, if you haven't read "Co-Dependent No More"--now would be a good time--it is practically classic reading material in these parts.
Knowledge is power.
My dear, as much as you would like to control his drinking....you never will be able to do that. It is not your fault that he is an alcoholic---and, you can't fix it. He will have to want to do that for himself.
I would suggest that you back away from his recovery program...no more attending with him; no more praising him (this stuff is the job of his AA group and his sponsor). Ironically...the more you try to "assist" him...the more he will secretly resent you and it will surely backfire o n you, down the road.
I am pretty sure, that this is not the stuff y ou want to hear, right now. I am sorry....but, I feel for you and I do want to help y ou.
sincerely,
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Lying is PART of the relapse. It is an integral part of the disease, so the lying shouldn't shock you. It will continue to happen unless/until he gets firmly grounded in his recovery.
Lying and deception are part and parcel of the disease. Can you trust him to be sober when he's around your baby? If not, I'd reconsider why he lives in your home, and why you're committed to seeing him through a sham recovery. If you can't trust him, you can't trust him with your kids. There is no caring him out of this, assisting him out of this, or monitoring him out of this.
A boundary for me is that I will not be with someone who lies to me. I will not be with someone who has to conceal a major part of their life from me. I will not be with someone who is more committed to his sickness than to his family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by NerdlyBeauty 
Thanks, Gracie Lou. I am so used to everyone blaming me for this, and supporting him. It makes me feel very, very alone and sad.
It may be time to leave again and not go back again. Leaving is not so he will get sober, to whip him into shape or to get him to understand your pain.
It is for you to continue your life in peace while you sort out your life and so your child has a safe, sober and secure environment.
It is time to think about you. Leave him to his lies and denial. Either he will get back to AA and get sober or he won't. That is not up to you.
Never deny an alcoholic his pain, it may be the only thing that gets him to break the denial.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I think your son deserves your time and attention and stability.
I grew up in an alcoholic home and it is very damaging.
Well done on dealing with your own drinking, but you husband is an adult
and should be responsible for his own recovery.
You have your hands full between earning a living, caring for your son, and
no doubt doing all of the other household things such as cooking ,cleaning, laundry,
and paying bills. Am I right about this or has he taken over these things since he's the one
not working?
Hugs to you--be strong
I grew up in an alcoholic home and it is very damaging.
Well done on dealing with your own drinking, but you husband is an adult
and should be responsible for his own recovery.
You have your hands full between earning a living, caring for your son, and
no doubt doing all of the other household things such as cooking ,cleaning, laundry,
and paying bills. Am I right about this or has he taken over these things since he's the one
not working?
Hugs to you--be strong
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ayer, MA
Posts: 87
I want to thank every one for responding to me. I was a little taken aback and hurt at first but after reading a lot of the other threads here, I realize you all are just being honest. And I am grateful for that.
The one thing I have learned from all of this is that I should always trust my instincts. Always.
The one thing I have learned from all of this is that I should always trust my instincts. Always.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
NerdlyBeauty.....It is actually hard for me to have to say the things that I say on this board, sometimes.....because I do know that it must really sting.
It is just that the realities of this disease and living with an alcoholic are really tough...and, there is no good way to sugarcoat it. I wish there were...LOL!
Sometimes, newbies are really lacking in knowledge about this disease (most of the general population is!).....or they have been living in denial because it is just to scarey to face. Some have been beaten down and are exhausted and are on their very last nerve. Others, are still looking for the "answer" that will fix everything.
So, it is perfectly understandable that hurt, disappointment, or anger would be a first response.
You sound to me like you are wanting some help. I hope that you will hang around and try to "digest" the feedback that seems helpful.
There is a saying that I try to remember, myself: "Take what is helpful and leave the rest"
(LOL).
You can work your way through this!
dandylion
It is just that the realities of this disease and living with an alcoholic are really tough...and, there is no good way to sugarcoat it. I wish there were...LOL!
Sometimes, newbies are really lacking in knowledge about this disease (most of the general population is!).....or they have been living in denial because it is just to scarey to face. Some have been beaten down and are exhausted and are on their very last nerve. Others, are still looking for the "answer" that will fix everything.
So, it is perfectly understandable that hurt, disappointment, or anger would be a first response.
You sound to me like you are wanting some help. I hope that you will hang around and try to "digest" the feedback that seems helpful.
There is a saying that I try to remember, myself: "Take what is helpful and leave the rest"
(LOL).
You can work your way through this!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You did nothing wrong. He is derailing his own "recovery." Thing is, he is not in recovery. It's just like a Sunday Christian. Just b/c you go to church on Sunday does not make you a Christian. Just b/c you go to AA does not mean you are working recovery. If you are hiding alcohol and continue to drink, you are not in recovery. He is also manipulating you to lessen his own guilt. It's classic alcoholic behavior.
I am concerned about the chaos surrounding your son. All of the fighting and in and out will wear on him, I promise. I have two girls that I take to counseling in dealing with their alcoholic father. Not only does his alcoholism affect them, all that happened when we were together does too.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. XXX
I am concerned about the chaos surrounding your son. All of the fighting and in and out will wear on him, I promise. I have two girls that I take to counseling in dealing with their alcoholic father. Not only does his alcoholism affect them, all that happened when we were together does too.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. XXX
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ayer, MA
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by dandylion
Some have been beaten down and are exhausted and are on their very last nerve.
He seemed to take it so seriously this time...and I have faith that he can pull through. I've read a lot of Al-anon and AA literature, I've gone to Al-anon meetings, and I am part of an AA group which I find extremely helpful, both with my own alcohol issues, as well as his. I just get so fed up with everyone else around him...he gets all the support and love, I get all the blame. It is just so disheartening, since I seem to be trying to do the right thing when it comes to dealing with his drinking. And now I have to do it again and be a piriah from all of our friends, and his family. Oh well,. eff 'em all, right?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Unfortunately, that is right. It really hurt me when I divorced my X. His family who I considered my own (we were together for 18 years), who knew all about his drinking issues, completely turned on me when I divorced him. Same with some friends too. Thing is, he has lied to all of them. I figure that's ok. They know me and they know him. If they don't know me better than that by now, they are not worth being in my life anyways. Let it go. Make new friends and move on.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by NerdlyBeauty
It is just so disheartening, since I seem to be trying to do the right thing when it comes to dealing with his drinking.
I know it is hard, I am going through it myself. 7 relapses in a year, do you think I have called myself stupid a time or two? You bet I have and I am a recovering alcoholic. If anybody should know, it should be me but my heart was just not ready to let go.
The seventh time was it for me. I was left alone on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day while he was out using. I had enough.
We all get there when we get there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Try not to own his relapse or his recovery because neither one has anything to do with you.
We mix up support by thinking it has to be an action of some sort on our part and we end up babysitting alcoholics and resenting it.
Try and figure out what it is he says or does that makes you believe him “this time” that has made you take him back over and over again and accept that HIS WORDS don’t mean a thing and his actions have to be proven for a very long time before ever believing.
My mistakes in the past were not ever giving it a long enough chance to know if it was real or not. It always fell on the not side and the break up – make up cycle would continue.
It also sounds like his family is very dysfunctional and maybe it's a good thing NOT to be part of it all. And for the friends, they will eventually see him for what he realy is, they may even jump in trying to save him and grown their own kind of frustrations.
People who are truely your friends will show you support, kindness and love and the ones that don't - you don't want them in your life anyway.
We mix up support by thinking it has to be an action of some sort on our part and we end up babysitting alcoholics and resenting it.
Try and figure out what it is he says or does that makes you believe him “this time” that has made you take him back over and over again and accept that HIS WORDS don’t mean a thing and his actions have to be proven for a very long time before ever believing.
My mistakes in the past were not ever giving it a long enough chance to know if it was real or not. It always fell on the not side and the break up – make up cycle would continue.
It also sounds like his family is very dysfunctional and maybe it's a good thing NOT to be part of it all. And for the friends, they will eventually see him for what he realy is, they may even jump in trying to save him and grown their own kind of frustrations.
People who are truely your friends will show you support, kindness and love and the ones that don't - you don't want them in your life anyway.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Lying is PART of the relapse. It is an integral part of the disease, so the lying shouldn't shock you. It will continue to happen unless/until he gets firmly grounded in his recovery.
The lying being shocking, that is.
Right now I am doing the Admit / Deny pages.
Should be playing with the kids, but instead it is Never Ending Drama.
Amazing page after page of lies.
Sure lying is what *they* do. But it is still shocking.
Thanks for being part of us here, Lexie.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by NerdlyBeauty
Hello, everyone:
I am in a relationship with a pretty severe alcoholic. We have a six year old son together. He has put me through a lot of pain and verbal/emotional/sexual abuse over the years, all due to his behavior when he is drinking. I have taken my son and left him several times.
About 2 months ago, he put himself in detox for the second time this year, and he was attending AA meetings a few times a week, as well as a support group that he was really getting a lot of help from. He was also on medication that is supposed to make him sick if he drinks.
Low and behold, his insurance ran out because he was fired from his job (for drinking), so he had to stop going to his group therapy. And he stopped taking the medication. Then he started skipping AA meetings. Then the holidays happened. On Christmas Eve, we went to my Boss' house. I knew he was drinking that day, but I didn't say anything because I knew he was struggling with his family asking him to go to their Christmas Eve gathering. I am not welcome there, because his family puts all of the blame squarely on me, even though alcoholism runs rampant in his family. He was actually living with his alcoholic mother when he was right out of rehab, and she would not only drink in front of him, but she would ask him to buy her beer. And yet this is MY fault...
Anyway, things were going really well with us. We got back together, and are currently living together once again. I had so much hope that things were going to get better. I was even going to AA meetings with him, not to make sure he went, but because I have my own struggles with alcohol, and I wanted to support him as much as I possibly could...leading by example and all that.
When I caught him drinking at my Boss' house, I was absolutely livid. Not because he relapsed, because I was expecting that. But because he lied about it. Apparently he thinks I'm too stupid to notice. He tried to argue with me on the way home, with our son in the back seat. I was fed up, and did not want yet another Christmas spoiled for my son, so I told him to get out of the car. In the rain. And I left him there, went home, put my son to bed, and started wrapping presents. I was determined to make Christmas special and happy for our boy.
The next morning, he called me a bunch of times, begging me to come get him. I told him I would AFTER our son woke up and saw what Santa brought him. But of course, that decision made me the most selfish person in the world.
He managed to stay sober for the next few days, and Sunday night, I left my son with my parents for the night, and we went to our favorite meeting. I felt like things were getting back on track, and we had a wonderful evening together.
Yesterday morning, I went to work as usual. He is not working right now, doesn't have a car, and was alone all day yesterday. When my son and I got home last night, nothing seemed out of the norm. I had been texting him all day, telling him how proud I was that he slipped but didn't go down the rabbit hole...that these actions were making me fall deeper in love with him. Then I caught a whiff of beer, and my heart SANK. I tried to indirectly let him know that I knew he was drinking, but he didn't get it, or at least he said he didn't. And he got upset that my mood went from up to depressed in a matter of seconds. I calmly let him know it's because I knew he had been drinking, and that I didn't know how to approach it. He went on and on with excuses, as alcoholics do. And he went to bed pissed at me, then pissed again because I wanted to sleep on the couch.
I feel awful about all of this. Really sick to my stomach. Was I wrong to call him out about it! I really was very gentle and non-judgmental about it. Apparently, I did the wrong thing. Now I kind of feel like cutting myself. I am just so sad and depressed, and I feel like I derailed his recovery by not keeping my mouth shut.
Thanks for listening.
I am in a relationship with a pretty severe alcoholic. We have a six year old son together. He has put me through a lot of pain and verbal/emotional/sexual abuse over the years, all due to his behavior when he is drinking. I have taken my son and left him several times.
About 2 months ago, he put himself in detox for the second time this year, and he was attending AA meetings a few times a week, as well as a support group that he was really getting a lot of help from. He was also on medication that is supposed to make him sick if he drinks.
Low and behold, his insurance ran out because he was fired from his job (for drinking), so he had to stop going to his group therapy. And he stopped taking the medication. Then he started skipping AA meetings. Then the holidays happened. On Christmas Eve, we went to my Boss' house. I knew he was drinking that day, but I didn't say anything because I knew he was struggling with his family asking him to go to their Christmas Eve gathering. I am not welcome there, because his family puts all of the blame squarely on me, even though alcoholism runs rampant in his family. He was actually living with his alcoholic mother when he was right out of rehab, and she would not only drink in front of him, but she would ask him to buy her beer. And yet this is MY fault...
Anyway, things were going really well with us. We got back together, and are currently living together once again. I had so much hope that things were going to get better. I was even going to AA meetings with him, not to make sure he went, but because I have my own struggles with alcohol, and I wanted to support him as much as I possibly could...leading by example and all that.
When I caught him drinking at my Boss' house, I was absolutely livid. Not because he relapsed, because I was expecting that. But because he lied about it. Apparently he thinks I'm too stupid to notice. He tried to argue with me on the way home, with our son in the back seat. I was fed up, and did not want yet another Christmas spoiled for my son, so I told him to get out of the car. In the rain. And I left him there, went home, put my son to bed, and started wrapping presents. I was determined to make Christmas special and happy for our boy.
The next morning, he called me a bunch of times, begging me to come get him. I told him I would AFTER our son woke up and saw what Santa brought him. But of course, that decision made me the most selfish person in the world.
He managed to stay sober for the next few days, and Sunday night, I left my son with my parents for the night, and we went to our favorite meeting. I felt like things were getting back on track, and we had a wonderful evening together.
Yesterday morning, I went to work as usual. He is not working right now, doesn't have a car, and was alone all day yesterday. When my son and I got home last night, nothing seemed out of the norm. I had been texting him all day, telling him how proud I was that he slipped but didn't go down the rabbit hole...that these actions were making me fall deeper in love with him. Then I caught a whiff of beer, and my heart SANK. I tried to indirectly let him know that I knew he was drinking, but he didn't get it, or at least he said he didn't. And he got upset that my mood went from up to depressed in a matter of seconds. I calmly let him know it's because I knew he had been drinking, and that I didn't know how to approach it. He went on and on with excuses, as alcoholics do. And he went to bed pissed at me, then pissed again because I wanted to sleep on the couch.
I feel awful about all of this. Really sick to my stomach. Was I wrong to call him out about it! I really was very gentle and non-judgmental about it. Apparently, I did the wrong thing. Now I kind of feel like cutting myself. I am just so sad and depressed, and I feel like I derailed his recovery by not keeping my mouth shut.
Thanks for listening.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
When doing my resentments inventory, I uncovered a lot of dishonesty.
It was explained that.......
It's actually a bit dishonest to have expectations of someone beyond what they can actually deliver.
Would I expect a priest to tell the truth.... Yes but it's not guaranteed.
So if you can't 100% guarantee the truth from a priest, why on earth would you expect it from an alcoholic???
Its just setting yourself up for misery and you arent being honest with yourself about the track record that's gone before.
This doesn't mean I am exonerating your A telling the lie, just that it's a bit like expecting a puppy to not pee on the rug...... Puppy don't know any better
It was explained that.......
It's actually a bit dishonest to have expectations of someone beyond what they can actually deliver.
Would I expect a priest to tell the truth.... Yes but it's not guaranteed.
So if you can't 100% guarantee the truth from a priest, why on earth would you expect it from an alcoholic???
Its just setting yourself up for misery and you arent being honest with yourself about the track record that's gone before.
This doesn't mean I am exonerating your A telling the lie, just that it's a bit like expecting a puppy to not pee on the rug...... Puppy don't know any better
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