Fez

I thought I was doing good. Until this past Saturday morning when I realized I am only making things worse- for myself and my XAH. In November I agreed I would talk to him- with no expectation of getting back together or anything. Just talk.

Well, that was a mistake. At first, he seemed to be a little better, and I thought maybe we could be friends. That is not possible. He desperately wants me back. I feel sorry for him. That is why I agreed to talk to him.

Then Christmas night came. I had my children visiting. He started texting that he was going to do something to his self. Sent my son over to his house. Ruined my Christmas evening.

But- Saturday morning I had an epiphany. I have let him back into my life. When he isn't happy- I still do that, "what's wrong?" and then try to fix his mood so he is happy. I am soooo sick!

The only good thing I can think of is that I still need help and at least I recognized what I was doing while I was married to him and still continue when I am around him now.

I only talked with him because he sounds so pitiful and miserable, etc. I wanted my son to have a good college graduation, the kids to have a good Christmas.

I've learned that it doesn't matter if I talk to him or not. He is still going to be miserable anyway. It's a no win situation.

Thanks for allowing me to share in this forum. I am grateful. I am learning slowly that healing does not take place overnight, or that just because you divorce and no longer live with an alcoholic that you are better.

FireSprite

Progress, not perfection, right?

We all fall down in this process; it's more about how you pick yourself back up again.

amy55

Hi Fez, Welcome to SR, sorry you needed to search out for help, but glad that you found us.

Anytime someone threatens to harm themselves, call 911. It may be a bluff it may not.

I know those lose - lose situations. It doesn't matter what you do, because the fight already started in their head a long time ago, they are just looking for another person to participate in it.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

Cleo1234

You are figuring out what works and doesn't work, so don't be too hard on yourself. You seem to realize the games he's playing to keep you attached to him. Hopefully, once he knows he will not get a reaction from you.. he will stop! But, you're right you can't just be friends with him ( at least not now). All the best!

Hawks

It's hard when there are kids involved, because you don't want them to lose their father when he makes threats. ( Im guessing it was self harm kinda thing)

The only thing I can advise is just think of him as mentally ill (which he is) and think how you might react if that were the case.

FlippedRHalo

"the fight already started in their head a long time ago, they are just looking for another person to participate in it."

Wow Amy, I think you just summed it up better than I've ever heard. It makes so much sense. This describes his texts last night perfectly. I need to remember this! The fight already started in his head, he just wants me to participate. I can only imagine the shape I'd be in if I answered his call. Whew.

NYCDoglvr

Alas, for me it was one step forward, two steps back. Eventually I reached the point of total indifference but it took longer than I'm willing to admit in public