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Old 12-28-2014, 09:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy

When do the tears dry -up?


I begin by saying thank you for those who have offered support these past 24 hours. This is the only outlet I have and I am grateful.



I finally broke it off with my SO this morning. I hadn't seen him for a week...and the only text I received was Dec 25th at 4:00 am "merry Christmas"....and I'm certain he wasn't wrapping gifts are 4:00 am...

Of course, I stumble across one of his tshirts and emotions flood me. I feel sooooo bad because I know I upset him....he made it clear that breaking up with him "is unforgivable and irreversible; and how dare I ruin his Sunday." I know leaving him is the best thing for me.....but when will my pain end? I'm more worried about him now than when were still technically together. I want to run back to him and comfort him for the hurting his today....even sacrifice my happiness to help him.

Keep me, and others like me (freshly separated) in your thoughts.

Peace to all of you....
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Old 12-28-2014, 09:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm so sorry you are hurting. Sending you hugs. When I was going through the break-up I read a lot here and the ones that connected with me I copied and pasted on to a note so I can read it over and over again to help me through it. Here is one that helped me. I got it here but I don't know where
"The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.

The Pain Stops: When you are ready."

I hope this helps a little. The tears and pain and hurt and brokenness and loneliness and sadness and anger and fear... all of those feelings do go away. The length of time you are in it, all depends on you. It takes hard work and commitment to yourself and your well being to make it happen. You are worth it. You deserve love.
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Old 12-28-2014, 10:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Give yourself a break. It's only been a couple of days. It is going to take time for the pain to lessen, but it will lessen. (((HUGS)))
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Old 12-28-2014, 10:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you
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Old 12-28-2014, 10:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I m sorry to that you are hurting. He is an addict and needs help. By Running back and trying to help him, he will never feel the pain. You need to help yourself and let him fall. I enabled mine for 34 years.. finally couldn't take it any longer.

You can not help him anymore i am sorry Let him go....
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Old 12-28-2014, 10:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Lovely words. Thank you!
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Old 12-28-2014, 11:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I'm not making fun of you TX, but I did smile at the 'unforgivable and irreversible' text. Typical alcoholic delusional grandiose BS. I know you picture him being terribly upset and needing comfort, but I think you might be projecting your feelings on to him. He hadn't contacted you for a week! Note he said you had ruined his Sunday not his life. And what about the tone - How dare you! It's hard to take this clown seriously.

Be very strong about non-contact and the pain will diminish quickly. You sound like a sensible resilient person, and you've done the only healthy thing.
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Old 12-29-2014, 03:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi, sorry to hear what you are going through, it is tough but I admire your strength for realising you deserve better. It is one of those eureka moments (well it was for me) that you respect yourself and know what you deserve.

lol how dare he ruin your sunday, how much heartache did he cause you? It sounds like childish behaviour and now your being "punished." You certainly don`t need that in your life.

It is not your job to make him happy, it is your job to make you happy!

when I seperated with my xabf, I went into my new flat, took a deep breath and thought well done, you have done it!

It does hurt and it will hurt for a while but keep yourself busy, and everytime you want to get into contact with him refrain yourself from doing so, I just wrote my feelings down on paper :-)
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Old 12-29-2014, 03:16 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi, sorry to hear what you are going through, it is tough but I admire your strength for realising you deserve better. It is one of those eureka moments (well it was for me) that you respect yourself and know what you deserve.

lol how dare he ruin your sunday, how much heartache did he cause you? It sounds like childish behaviour and now your being "punished." You certainly don`t need that in your life.

It is not your job to make him happy, it is your job to make you happy!

when I separated with my xabf, I went into my new flat, took a deep breath and thought well done, you have done it!

It does hurt and it will hurt for a while but keep yourself busy, and every time you want to get into contact with him refrain yourself from doing so, I just wrote my feelings down on paper :-)
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Old 12-29-2014, 03:38 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I feel sooooo bad because I know I upset him....he made it clear that breaking up with him "is unforgivable and irreversible; and how dare I ruin his Sunday."
You feel bad for upsetting him? HUH? Do you think he has the slightest remorse over getting drunk and saying/doing all the stuff that goes with it? Just leave and go no contact.
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Old 12-29-2014, 06:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Txdude229 View Post

Of course, I stumble across one of his tshirts and emotions flood me. I feel sooooo bad because I know I upset him....he made it clear that breaking up with him "is unforgivable and irreversible; and how dare I ruin his Sunday." I know leaving him is the best thing for me.....but when will my pain end? I'm more worried about him now than when were still technically together. I want to run back to him and comfort him for the hurting his today....even sacrifice my happiness to help him.
Ruin his SUNDAY? Seriously?!!? QUACK!!!

It will get better the greater your distance from the dysfunction. It takes a WHILE to get used to new, healthier patterns. At first it feels more wrong than the crap you left behind but eventually your internal barometer resets closer to a "normal" setting because you better identify acceptable vs. unacceptable behaviors.

It really does start from the inside out, with treating yourself better starting RIGHT NOW. Remember that self-care is NOT selfish and when you treat yourself well, you show others how you expect to be treated by them as well.
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Old 12-29-2014, 08:20 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I'm a few weeks out and I definitely have a better hold over myself than I did right after we broke up. I think the absolute worst was the few days leading up to him coming to remove his things. I was such a mess, and so full of anxiety, that I could literally feel my heart fluttering in my chest and throat. It was kind of terrifying. I seriously thought there was something wrong with my heart. I broke down in a heaving, sobbing mess in my doctors office as they were doing an EKG because I swore they were going to tell me it was something horrible. Nope, it turned out to be just severe anxiety because of the situation I was going through.

I know it's awful and I know exactly where you're at right now. You don't think you can get through the next minute. It hurts so much it takes your breath away. It's the most awful of awful. You're worried about you, worried about him, worried how he's taking it and all of that fun stuff. Well, you couldn't stop him when you were there, and you can't stop him now that you're not there. The difference, however, is that now you can begin the road to healing...and it will come. Slowly, but it comes. Read here as much as you can. Read the stickies. Vent your feelings. The people here are so amazing at helping you through the moments that feel like your world is spinning so fast that it'll never stop for you to catch your breath.

I never thought I'd be able to do this a year ago, but I am. It still hurts, but not that acute pain of the first few days. Now it's more of a chronic ache. Hopefully soon it'll be a distant memory.

There is nothing you can do to change him. Trust me, I tried everything and then some. I think most of us have. It doesn't work.

Someone on this board at one time said "let go or be dragged" .... that says it all right there. You can hold on if you'd like, but you'll go down with him.

Hang in there. You're going to be ok. I know it's awful, but if you stay the course, cut yourself some slack and convince yourself that there is not a single thing you can do to change an alcoholic, you'll be ok.
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Old 12-30-2014, 08:15 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Hang in there, I am right there with you! Sending you tons of hugs and serenity!
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Old 12-30-2014, 10:14 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Hang in there, I am right there with you! Sending you tons of hugs and serenity!
Thank you Slothy. Today, day 2, kinda sucks. I want to cry and reach out to him....scream at him until he comes to his senses. But I will be still and know that this too shall pass.
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Old 12-30-2014, 10:55 AM   #15 (permalink)
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It will pass. I can relate.

Mine decided he wanted to go back to crack so I had my last night wondering where he was and worrying about him on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day.

On Friday I packed his items. On Saturday I took them to storage unit. I took a bag with a couple days worth of cloths, some paperwork and the keys to the storage unit and dropped them off where he was staying while he was still under the impression that he had a chance to come back.

Since then I have receive numerous text messages.

I am a loser and I am sorry. I wanted to make you happy but I know I canít
I will see you in court if its the last thing I do (Oh Okay!)
Why did you need to bring a friend to drop off my things, I see who your real higher power is
Why did you do this to me? (Oh I dunno, what is the first thing that comes to mind?)
I need help (thatís an understatement!)
I know I lied but I guess now you are dead to me
I know I lied and you donít want a relationship anymore and I am dead to you but will you help me? (What?!)
Please this is to much for me, please talk to me (No)
Are you really not going to talk to me? (Yes, I am really not talking to you)
I hope you donít think I never loved you or something like that (It has crossed my mind)
Can we arrange a date night, Are you seeing someone else? (We have been apart 4 days!)
You left me stranded with my things in storage way over there (the unit is 1 mile from where his staying)
All my friends are working during the day and canít help me, please help me (I work all day too and I guess he canít go out at night)
It is cold outside, I canít do this (he is from Detroit MI, I think he is used to the cold)
I know I needed consequences but do you think you are the one to give them to me? (I am as good a person as any)
You said I had choices but I didnít bargain on all of this (I think that is the only time he has told the truth)

It is all head games, drama, lying and manipulation and I see all of it. He needs to go find sobriety and he is not going to find it under my roof. The sobriety under my roof is mine and he canít have it. He has to find his own.

If he wants to live that life then he is free to do that. It is his life, he just canít have any of mine.
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Old 12-30-2014, 12:17 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by GracieLou View Post
It will pass. I can relate.

Mine decided he wanted to go back to crack so I had my last night wondering where he was and worrying about him on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day.

On Friday I packed his items. On Saturday I took them to storage unit. I took a bag with a couple days worth of cloths, some paperwork and the keys to the storage unit and dropped them off where he was staying while he was still under the impression that he had a chance to come back.

Since then I have receive numerous text messages.

I am a loser and I am sorry. I wanted to make you happy but I know I canít
I will see you in court if its the last thing I do (Oh Okay!)
Why did you need to bring a friend to drop off my things, I see who your real higher power is
Why did you do this to me? (Oh I dunno, what is the first thing that comes to mind?)
I need help (thatís an understatement!)
I know I lied but I guess now you are dead to me
I know I lied and you donít want a relationship anymore and I am dead to you but will you help me? (What?!)
Please this is to much for me, please talk to me (No)
Are you really not going to talk to me? (Yes, I am really not talking to you)
I hope you donít think I never loved you or something like that (It has crossed my mind)
Can we arrange a date night, Are you seeing someone else? (We have been apart 4 days!)
You left me stranded with my things in storage way over there (the unit is 1 mile from where his staying)
All my friends are working during the day and canít help me, please help me (I work all day too and I guess he canít go out at night)
It is cold outside, I canít do this (he is from Detroit MI, I think he is used to the cold)
I know I needed consequences but do you think you are the one to give them to me? (I am as good a person as any)
You said I had choices but I didnít bargain on all of this (I think that is the only time he has told the truth)

It is all head games, drama, lying and manipulation and I see all of it. He needs to go find sobriety and he is not going to find it under my roof. The sobriety under my roof is mine and he canít have it. He has to find his own.

If he wants to live that life then he is free to do that. It is his life, he just canít have any of mine.
Hang in there GracieLou! We are not alone!
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Old 12-30-2014, 12:27 PM   #17 (permalink)
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The sobriety under my roof is mine and he can’t have it. He has to find his own.
Amen! and I am so glad you realize that his cries for help are just manipulative quacking. Living with someone in recovery he knew the boundaries not to cross, he knew to ask for help prior to acting up and he knows where to find help too.
If you have an Android, you can always download MrNumber which is a free app which will block his text messages to you. I call it my codie app.
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Old 12-30-2014, 01:09 PM   #18 (permalink)
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How dare you ruin his Sunday? How dare he TRY to ruin your life. Keep it in perspective.

I hope you get some much needed R&R and finally some peace.

Tight hugs!
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Old 12-30-2014, 02:41 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Ugh.. Stay strong.

That feeling is THE WORST.

When I finally made my AH move out last September, the pain was too much for me to take at the time... and I ended up giving in and letting him come back. Things are better and he's not drinking now, but still, I know I made the wrong decision by letting him come back as soon as I did. Now I'm just waiting for the bomb to drop...

You made the right decision!! It will be hard for a while, but it WILL get better.

STAY STRONG

HUGS
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Old 12-30-2014, 05:48 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Yeah, it's rough. But I made a commitment to myself to start the New Year on positive note. He chose not to be with me at midnight....so I've chosen not to be with him the rest of my life. Thank you Kboys for your words of encouragement....and likewise, be strong and take the leap of faith.
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