yourpowell1

Help me if you can.........
I posted a couple weeks ago about my husband saying he is "done with our marriage". He moved into a motel after relapsing and has spiraled out of control. Since then, he is questioning why I served him with divorce papers. Bizarre, I know.
I've done pretty well emotionally over the holidays with only a few "break-downs". Today he calls and I speak with him about financial matters and it goes downhill from there.
I found myself asking him if he really ever loved me or loved me as much as he loved his previous wife. WHY did I go there? Cognitively, I know better but I needed him to validate me for some reason and now I find myself in a victim role. Why do I need this validation? I felt like a desperate scorned woman.
I do not want to feel like this. What can I do?

Hangnbyathread

I am not trying to be cruel here, so please don't think it as such. I learned early on, that if you ask a question, you need to be able to ask it and be prepared for the truth. IF they are capable of the truth, you may find that it may hurt worse than the lies. So I learned to just stop asking questions.

I stopped asking after about the 4th time why she cheated. It really stopped mattering after it happened the first time, I was just too much of a masochist to get that. You just make it worse by learning more. Eventually the answer became "Because I'm an AC". Like suddenly that gives them the fidelity pass, because they can lay having a disease on you. That is somehow supposed to lessen the toll it takes.

Guess what. Once you are free of this poison, you will very quickly learn that someone out there is just WAITING to treat you well, respect you and honor you.

Txdude229

Thank you for your post. I never understood what it meant to love an alcoholic; much less how to interpret his words.

I don't justify his lies, nor try to....I just know that his words do not reflect what his heart really feels, and 2) not the words I should hear. So to Hangnbyathread's point....I stopped asking. I already know what the answers are....

I just had the strength (this morning) to tell my AC its over. While I'm dying inside (have been for months), I find comfort knowing I'm not alone. Neither are you yourpowell1.

Butterfly

I spent months asking why, how, did he love me and many many more trying to understand, trying to figure out whether my marriage was all lies and there are days I still do. I never got straight answers or he would tell me one thing one day then something else the next, causing more confusion, hurt and upset for me. I wanted him to tell me he was in love with me more than ever, some days he did but I also wanted him to say he was going to give up drinking and come home. That would fix everything, fix me.

For me I sought validation from him so I would know it wasn't my fault, that I was good enough that he didn't leave because of me and I needed to know that he was still in love with me as then there would be hope for us. I am slowly beginning to understand (and I do mean very slowly and still revert back to old habits sometimes) there are no answers that will help me move on, how can I expect him to make me ok when he's spiraling and doesnt know how he feels himself except that alcohol will make everything better and that's what he wants more than his wife and family.

When I am questioning if he still loves me or if he ever did I ask myself "so what, will it change anything, is that really the way I want to be loved". Now I know that's easier said than done and I jumped back on the roller coaster recently but it has stopped me from making first contact and continuing on with constant questions for hours and days!!

If you can't go no contact Limit any contact you have with him, NC has really helped me to focus on myself and not him and his feelings.

((((((Hugs))))))) one day at a time

dandylion

yourpowell.....It is impossible to have even a decent, logical conversation with a drunk--when they are intoxicated, especially. Everyone knows not to try to talk to a drunk---lol! (this is universal advice). It is impossible.

Please, try not to hang your sanity and self-esteem on the illogical material that comes out of your husband's mouth.
Didn't you say that he has relapsed and is spiraling down??

Treat him as an unreliable witness.

dandylion

yourpowell1

Ask and you shall receive. I did just that and you guys have offered what I needed. A real reminder that I am dealing with an illogical alcoholic who wants to manipulate and hurt because he is in pain.

I am so fortunate to have found this website. Alanon helps when I can go but this is more immediate and sometimes I need something now to get out of the self pity.

Thank you all for your help. There is a bigger and better plan for me out there, sometimes I need a reminder.

Todzilla

I think anyone who truly does not care about other peoples' opinions are frightening. I think it's natural as social creatures, to put value in how the community sees us. The danger is putting to much stock into any one opinion. Often that person is our significant other and as we try to work with them to resolve our problems, it's natural to try hard to see the other's point of view. So natural, in fact, that we can lose perspective and ascribe a lot of truth to even a crazy point of view.

All of this is my way of saying what you're struggling with is typical and understandable. I'm dealing with that very same issue and am resentful that my XAW has such an undeservedly poor view of me, but at least I know that she's wrong to think of me so poorly, although i have to get beyond the resentment of it all.

Hangnbyathread

There is nothing wrong with the idea that we want some acceptance by our environment we are in. But don't let an Alcoholic define the environment you need acceptance in.