FlippedRHalo

Text from unknown number. Why I read the entire thing, I'll never know. I'm not a complete mess, but definitely feeling knocked back a few feet. Oddly, he says he hasn't drank it two weeks, yet repeats exactly what he wrote in the letter I received last week, but instead of being prescribed meds from his therapist to curb his urges to drink, apparently now the antidepressant is doing that.

I'll admit, as much as I'm pretty sure he hasn't just given up drinking suddenly, it hurts to read that. It makes me think *and I'm fighting not to* that he was able to stop drinking when he left. Why, as much as I know this isn't true, is part of me even questioning this and wondering if maybe he did stop. He can't. I watched him try. He couldn't. I don't get it.

I'll admit I'm crying right now. Not an "I want to go back" cry, but I feel like I just let my heart take another hit and I'm upset, hurt, angry and everything in between about that right now. Why didn't I stop reading when I realized it was him? Is there something wrong with me that I'll never break out of this insanity? I do so well until I hear from him and then, the hurt hits again. I'm so, so, so disappointed and angry with myself. If I can't protect my own damn heart, nobody else is going to and apparently, I'm not well equipped for this job.

Not that you care at this point but I'm going on two weeks without a drink and I'm getting meds to help with depression, which is also curbing the edge to drink. I hope your Christmas was as good as it could have been. I thought about you. I know we are over but I'll always have a place in my heart for you. I'm sorry I couldn't be the man you wanted/needed.

Then...

I miss you. I just don't know what made us think that we could be different than we were. I loved you. And not just "I think you love me as much as your capable of". I loved you.

Then....

I never denied my issues. I just didn't take care of them. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. You must understand how hard it is to live with myself. I never should have dragged you into my hell.

Then a call.... same number. Didn't answer.

Then he goes on to say that he knew he had issues, but I shut down when people aren't what I expect them to be and goes on to put blame on me. I'll take my blame, I know I shut down. But just maybe I shut down because of the lies, the promises that were broken, the fact that he'd rather drink and numb out than spend time with me, the loss of trust in someone I loved, the realization that it had to end and the hurt was coming down the tracks like a runaway freight train, the fact that my brother died in a drunk driving accident and my fiance just kept drinking and driving although he knew it terrified me. Yeah, I shut down. It was my fault. And my anger... he made sure to mention my anger too. Yeah, I was pretty damn angry. I think I had a right to be.

Why am I sitting here questioning myself? Was I too angry, was I too shut down? Did I destroy this? In my head I know the answers, it's convincing my wounded heart that is the hard part. God, I hate this. How, please tell me how this man can make me question everything and bring, front and center, ever insecurity I've ever had? And why? I never did anything to him to deserve this. And why can I come so far, only to be sitting here crying and feeling every single insecurity I have so deeply. I don't even think it's about him right now honestly, I think it's about having the wind completely knocked out of me knowing that he knows my most major insecurities and exactly how to crack me over the head with them in such a way that I'm reeling in pain and confusion and anger at myself for letting it happen.

Last text after all that:

I love you dear.

Why do I feel like the crazy person right now?? How are they so adept at this? HOW?

readerbaby71

You are not crazy and he is an alcoholic. No one is perfect but your anger and shutting down did not cause him to drink. He did it to himself. You have a right to your feelings. He's trying to lay a guilt trip on you. Don't buy it. You've done all you can.

I am so, so sorry you are hurting so much right now. HUGS.

LexieCat

Flipped, you can tell him to STOP contacting you and that if he refuses to respect your wishes you will consider it to be harassment and will obtain a protective order.

By your own admission you are feeling/doing pretty good--until you get hit with one of these insane, self-pitying, you-blaming emails or phone calls or texts. He is trying to manipulate and get under your skin--to get you go respond.

You can make him stop. Why don't you?

maia1234

I am sorry you are hurting. That's what they do to drag you back in. NC, it hurts less.

yourpowell1

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I get it.....I've been doing ok with my recent breakup until I spoke with mine today. Bad idea! I know you didn't get a call but read things that made you second guess yourself. I think us owning some part of their issue is something most of us have done until we really do some work on ourselves.
I posted tonight about a call from my A, as I was looking for some help as to why I ended up feeling horrible after our conversation. I came across your post and see some similarities. I'm not really offering any help per say but just know I'm in it with you and unfortunately understand the pain way too well.
Somehow I occasionally feel guilt for setting a limit with my A which led to his leaving because he wasn't ready to quit drinking. Although I know I did the right thing for myself and my child, I still love him deeply and some days feel I will never be able to move on. When I feel that way, my insecurities get all triggered! Like what's wrong with me for continuing to love someone who treats me poorly?
I wish you the best and hope to see a new post soon from you stating you are doing much better; it may encourage me!

Butterfly

(((((Hugs))))). I don't have any advise to offer just that I understand I'm going through everything you have just mentioned. Delete the texts and do something nice for you today.

lillamy

My ex would say anything to pull me back in. Anything. I'm serious. Sometimes anything and it's opposite in the same text.

At first, it was like he really believed he could still control and manipulate me. Later, it was like "well I'm hurting so I'm gonna make sure she's hurting too."

It really took me a long time -- I'd say about three years -- to become completely immune to his attacks. And part of it was understanding that it was attacks. Just because the word "love" was in a message didn't mean it was loving. The effect on me was still disabling.

I like Lexie's idea of pursuing a restraining order for harassment.

Hawkeye13

Change your number--this is a guilt trip and if it is hurting you every time he does this,
you need to stop it from happening.

I agree that the harassment filing would also be appropriate but changing the number will make it stop today.
It's Monday--call Verizon or whoever does you cell service and make it so.

Eauchiche

I think the active A's should form the Hannibal Lecter Society. They might not kill and eat us physically, but they try emotionally. Somehow, the Society has already published an instruction manual that has the scripts your A sent you in the the texts. Apparently, the manual is used all over the world.

FlippedRHalo

I'm better this morning. I had a long talk with my sister and she really helps me break it down and look at it for what it is. Leaving tomorrow to spend a week with her back home and I think my daughter and I truly need that right now.

I'm still not as good as I was before his emotional vomit session, but I'm finding it easier to move past his tirades now. The number was a number I don't know, so didn't have it blocked on my phone. I still blame myself for reading it, I could have not read it once I realized it was him, but of course, I did and that makes me angry with me. I wouldn't go back for anything, but I'm still letting him torment me and that has to stop.

I think it hurts so much because I know what he's doing to himself. I can't help that I still care deeply about him. I've come to accept that I probably always will. We shared a lot together and when things were good, we were truly an awesome couple. I try not to care anymore, believe me, but my feelings don't cooperate. I wish I could flip a switch and be done with it, but apparently, it's a process.

He meant so much to me and it's so hard to know that the person you care about is destroying themselves and there isn't a thing you can do except get out of the way and let them do it, all the while praying and hoping beyond hope that they do something before it's too late. He has a medical issue caused by drinking and it's like watching someone slowly commit suicide. I know I went above and beyond to stand by him and I truly tried so hard to show him there was a better life out there and that's my only solace in all of this. I gave all I could until I just couldn't give anymore. I knew it was him or me and being a mom, I couldn't go down with that ship, so I jumped. I feel guilt over that, I won't lie, but in my heart, I know I did the right thing. My baby girl is my life and I wasn't about to let her live that kind of life.

I don't want the life we had when he was drinking and at the end, he was drinking daily. I know it's his guilt in control when he contacts me with this stuff, but it hurts because I know he's still heavily drinking when he does this. His MO is to get emotional and then angry when he's drinking and that's exactly what he did in the texts last night. If I answered the call, I would have gotten an earful without a doubt. It's not my fault. I have to keep telling myself that it isn't. Yes I was angry, yes I had anxiety, yes I shut down. I think anyone would in that situation. I'm human, I'm not a robot. I held so much hurt and disappointment in for so long.

My brother in law is going to free up space on my phone to download the new system with the block feature and I'm about to get onto my providers website to block this new number. Besides that, I don't know what else to do beside change my number. If I must, I guess I must. I don't want to contact him and threaten a harassment charge because then I'll have to unblock his number and I know it'll be a barrage of nasty texts from him and I just can't deal with that right now.

LexieCat

Just FYI, you don't have to actually file a harassment charge to get a protective order. The point is that the court must consider it harassment, which it is more likely to do if you have clearly communicated to him that you do not want any further communications from him.

Unwanted communications (when they are KNOWN to be unwanted) can constitute harassment (laws may vary slightly from one state to another). It's really laying the groundwork to make getting an order easier if he doesn't stop. You don't have to make it a "threat"--you can just say that you no longer wish to hear from him and that if he doesn't stop you will be forced to take action to make him stop.

Protective orders are civil proceedings. He won't go to jail or anything (although he conceivably COULD if he continues once an order is in place).

Just keep it in mind--it might be worth it to put an end to this nonsense once and for all. Even with a block feature on your phone there's nothing to stop him from borrowing a friend's phone to get through to you.

Hawkeye13

Change your number and that's the end of the story if you aren't comfortable with the other options.

It gives a kind of peace of mind to know he can't reach you using someone else's phone, and it can be done so quickly you can relax before New Years

Glad you are feeling better.

hopeful4

Change your number.

XXX

Katchie

I'm glad you are better this morning...big hugs to you! I think the above posts have it right, change your number. Don't allow him to continue to steal your happiness with his hollow words that are selfishly designed to hurt and confuse.

ostrichess

I feel your pain :-( x

Mrrryah1

I'm a full-blown alky druggie, and I'm just saying....

I've sent plenty of e-mails/texts to my man that sounded just like that.

And no, I had not "magically sobered up" because he walked out of my life.

Impossible.

I was great at sending messages while drunk/high that sounded sincere and sober, in order to get what I wanted. We are master manipulators, we have to be to support our disease.

Usually it was the booze/drugs that were making me feel emotional in the first place. No matter how "out of it" I was, I took particular care in the choosing of my words, spelling, sounding like I had a level head, etc. so he would have no idea.

And usually? He'd fall for it.

Just thought I'd give you an honest alky's perspective, as we tend to all be similiar.

Good luck to ya.

DavinaD

Myrrah, that's very interesting! I am so gullible, I often fall for what look like 'sober' texts from my ex, late at night.
Flipped, I really feel for you, I am the same, it's been 3 months since my split, I just start to do better when-bam!- I get an emotional text or phone call from him asking me how could I throw away a 12 year relationship, why won't I try marriage guidance counselling, he loves me so much etc etc. They send me mental, I feel so guilty I can't sleep, I question my decision all over again- even though I know I made the right decision.
I don't know what the answer is, I have my fingers crossed that in time my heart will catch up with my head :-( ...so nice to read on here that this affects others in the same way- if you're insane then so am I ! ;-)

FlippedRHalo

Lexi, I unblocked his email today, just for the amount of time it took me to send a message telling him that I want no further contact from him. Not from his phone, a friends phone or any other phone, email, etc... I bcc'd myself on it so I have a copy with a time stamp.

My neighbor seems to think he was in front of my house beeping the horn at 2 am this morning. I heard nothing, but she thinks it was his car. It just idled in park, beeped 2x's and sat for a few minutes, then beeped 2 more times and left.

Honestly, I can't imagine him having the courage to do that. He's more on the quiet and meek side and it would have taken some real courage, or a whole lot of alcohol, for him to do something like that. He knows one of my next door neighbors is a sheriff and the neighbor directly behind me is a police officer. I can't imagine he'd want to tangle with that. He's just never seemed that brave to me in the years I've known him, in fact, quite the opposite. I always felt that if something happened, it would be me protecting him instead of the other way around.

FlippedRHalo

Thank you Mrrryah, I appreciate you sharing from your side. It just kills me because it seems like he wants to hurt me and put the blame on me, but only after the apologies. It's so hard to make sense of and I know I shouldn't even try.

I really appreciate everyone's replies and support. I never imagined this would be so hard. Not hard in that I can't get over him hard, but hard in how this ending happened. Considering our relationship, I really thought we'd have an amicable break up. It was so sad, but I never wanted to hate him (which is why I did it when I did) and I wanted him to realize, maybe, what had happened and want to get his life together. I didn't leave him because I didn't love him anymore, quite the opposite. I loved him too much to watch him destroy himself any longer. Now it seems he's destroying himself even more and still, there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. It broke my heart to watch it and I thought that calling off the engagement and making him leave would stop me from having to know what he was doing to himself, yet, he's making sure I still know.

It's so hard to detach - physically I'm completely detached, but mentally, it's just not that easy. After all this, I still wish him the best. I still pray every night that he helps himself before it's too late. I don't know what else to do. There is nothing I can do. Even when we were together, nothing that I did changed anything or made him stop. It all really sucks.

When they say that alcoholics take hostages, they aren't kidding. Funny thing is, I'm holding myself hostage in my own d*mn mind because I still worry about him. My head knows that all the worrying in the world won't do a thing, but my heart doesn't always want to listen.

Cleo1234

My ex was the same way.. at first i would think he was sober if his texts seemed to make sense and had no typo's. I quickly realized that he was able to still communicate through text perfectly fine, but the moment i spoke to him i would know in that second he was drunk.


Thank you for sharing, Mrrryah1. I always like hearing from the A's side of things.