How to not be angry
 

I need some advice on how not to be angry with my AH. I have just started my journey of admitting he is an AH and to make the decision to take my own life back.

A few weeks back he went out alone and got housed at a neighborhood bar. He drove home and met up with my neighbors girlfriend (who also lives in the neighborhood and is a skank) and came into our home where I was sleeping to continue partying. They woke me up where after an argument where she just stood there he told me that she was what he needed cause he gave her more than I could. I finally told her to get out and he better go to bed. She did and he did.

He has never apologized for that- nor has she. Her daughter plays with my daughter but due to illness and holidays they have not been able to play- which is fine with me cause I want nothing to do with her.

Today I was talking to a mutual friend who told me the skank was telling the whole neighborhood how sorry she felt for me cause my AH wants her. WTF!! Now that just pisses me off!! And makes me angry at him- livid- so not even want to look at him. Of course he is all like u r crazy- sweep it under the rug- can't talk about it.

So she i can ignore her when she texts or I see her. I was basically her only friend in the neighborhood- now I know why. However I live with him...

Sorry for the rambling and thanks for letting me vent. But how do u let go of the anger. It takes all my power to not make snarky comments like - oh ur perfect woman is outside - or sorry dinner is not perfect, maybe the skank could do it better- or wow u ran an errand without finding a bar. I am pretty sure those are not helpful.

Sorry so long and no he does not think he is an AH.

WOW!!! I honestly don't know how to tell you how to not be angry after that!
Maybe anger is your friend. You might be able to get out of a bad situation quickly because of anger.
So Sorry!

Maybe he's just an a$$hole more than an AH--I think that's mine's problem!:dunno:

I think I'd be angry too--no apology and bad behavior.

No advice but sending you a hug :grouphug:

Shakeitoff, I am so sorry to hear you are going through something as absurd as this. If you figure out how to get over being angry about this please post how ya did it cause I have anger issues and have yet to figure out how to overcome them. Heck I'm angry for having read this, rootin for ya. :egypt:
http://i905.photobucket.com/albums/a...osas_large.jpg

I think if you WEREN'T angry about this I'd have to check your pulse. Anger is a normal human emotion. I know that sitting in perpetual anger is bad for you emotionally and physically, but that isn't what you are describing. Be angry and don't allow him to discredit your valid feeling after he did something so awful and she continues to do what she is. Is there any way you can remove yourself from that environment?
Big hugs...thats just awful.

We can't control our emotions. If you're angry, you're angry, it isn't something you can talk yourself out of.

However, you can learn to not let your anger control you and lead you to making bad decisions. Therapy helped me with that part, to figure out why I accepted the unacceptable for so long. Taking care of myself helped too. Lots of folks around here swear by Al-Anon, and I trust them.

DING DING DING. Just when you hoped that them not drinking would solve it!

I think the issue here isn't so much that you need to magically stop being angry, because with the situation ongoing, him still drinking and in denial about it, nothing's going to change, except that each new incident will be worse than the one before. Even if you forgave him today and totally got over this, the fact that he is still active in his disease means there will probably be more bs like this in your future.
Can you channel this anger into something constructive? Got any home improvement projects on the horizon that involve smashing things with a sledgehammer?
Have you been to Alanon?

Sorry to hear all this and I think the posters above are right. He is behaving like an a$$. Partly fuelled by the booze no doubt but way beyond acceptable. Personally I think you should demand an apology and ask him to stay away from her. this situation sounds bad but I will leave it to the girls here to advise you.

Thanks everyone. I have channeled most of my anger into getting my house cleaned up from having a three year old and Christmas happening!

I am not at the point of leaving yet. I did ask for an apology and it was a sarcastic I am sorry what ever u want to shut you up. I have always hid his drinking and made excuses for him. Tonight I asked if his drinking every embarrassed him. He said yes. When I lost my new iPhone last week. Yea- *******. Not when I drove with my daughter drunk, or said I wanted a skank or when we were late to his mothers xmas. I mean really!!

He then proceeded to tell me he could control his drinking and losing his phone woke him up. I mean what- how do you not laugh at that. I told him that was awesome- just as sarcastic as he was- and since he wasn't embarrassed I wouldn't be either. When he chose to drink leaving my daughter and I to do family things alone I would put it on FB and when people asked where he was- I would say drunk. He was like do what u gotta do.

I have been with him for 5 years. He can stop drinking whenever he wants. The problem is you never know when he is going to go out and get hammered and become an ass. You can be having a great week- but in the back of your mind you know it won't last.

Thank you for telling me it's okay to be angry. I needed that!

I am working on finding an Al Anon group in my area where I can take my daughter.

:c011:

When I start seeing red, I go out and throw ice cubes at the side of the house. Doesn't happen nearly as often as it used to since I cut my AM out of my life.

Please, please do whatever you can to protect your daughter from this man. She may only be 3, but children pick up on things and know more than we will ever give them credit for. Trust me, I lived it. This isn't good for either of you.

The OP has EVERY RIGHT to be angry, very angry, in fact.

I too struggle with justifiable anger. I'm trying (sometimes successfully) to not suppress anger, but to not let it "hook" me and drive my behavior. One thing that's helped a lot is studying Buddhism, which helps guide me on recognizing the anger, even feeling it intimately, without letting it take charge of my behavior.

All the best in dealing with this awful situation!

Justifiable anger OP, hope you can get over that.

What do you study or read Todz? I know about meditation but, I am not sure how one studies Buddhism beyond that. I used to listen to the fascinating idea of Alan Watts online, when I was stressed or messed up, which all well and good but I was sober either then.

NWGRITS- I laughed out loud when I read your post this am! Ty! What a great way to start the day. I can just picture myself with the ice bucket throwing ice cubes at my townhouse while all the neighbors watched!! Especially since the skank's boyfriend- where she practically lives- is right across the alley!! Ha ha. Love it!! 😂😂😂😂

Honey, sometimes your being pi$$ed off is telling you something, like that your AH is a creep. He brought this girl home to your own home and you are mad, at her?? OK, she is a skank. What she does is to be expected. However, keep it in perspective. What he did is not b/c of alcohol, it is b/c he is being a $hitty person. I am sorry to be so blunt, but there it is.

That being said, get the ice cube bucket out and throw away. Then....form a good plan for your future b/c you deserve a lot more.

can i ask WHY you are trying to make yourself NOT angry over your husband bringing some other broad into your home and partying with her????? she's not the only one i would have escorted out of my home that morning. he's not some teenager who snuck a girl in thru his bedroom window....he's your husband and he was off partying with some other woman and then had the unmitigated GAUL to bring her back to your HOME!!!! F the icecubes, gimme the hand grenades!!!

this may be a time where your anger is trying to TELL you something very important, and to get you to wake up. really really wake up. and SEE what you SEE and KNOW what you know.

we teach people how to treat us. if you just "let this go" what does that TELL HIM?

Of course you are angry, it would be more worrying if you weren't.

Ice hitting brick gives that satisfying crack without losing any good dishes. ;)

I'm in agreement with the others - let your anger serve to motivate you to take action. You are completely justified in being mad. You don't deserve that kind of treatment (Who DOES THAT, anyway?!?). If your best friend or your daughter told you this story, what would you say to them? Dollars to donuts it wouldn't be, "You should just let that go, honey. It wasn't that big of a deal."