Difficult Situations
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Thanks : )
Im part way thinking that staying at my dad's will be a good option after all. I cant get over how much this will cost my mum in child support. If I'm at my dad's half the time, it will be way less of a cost to her, plus I will have the assurance of being at my dads. Plus I wont be going into debt.
Now I just feel bad if I do that cause I've asked for letters from two different people to support my application. Ugh.
Maybe I will just apply and see what happens. It's just. $24,000 is A LOT of money. And I refused her first offer to pay for me to move out because it would cost her extra. Me moving out on my own will cost her even more, which is so messed up. I cant get out of being financially dependent on my parents without detrimentally affecting my mother. What a ****** position to be in.
Plus the fact that she had to fight to get any child support, and accepted less that what had been owed her for ten years. And she had to pay a lawyer for that. It's so messed up.
Im part way thinking that staying at my dad's will be a good option after all. I cant get over how much this will cost my mum in child support. If I'm at my dad's half the time, it will be way less of a cost to her, plus I will have the assurance of being at my dads. Plus I wont be going into debt.
Now I just feel bad if I do that cause I've asked for letters from two different people to support my application. Ugh.
Maybe I will just apply and see what happens. It's just. $24,000 is A LOT of money. And I refused her first offer to pay for me to move out because it would cost her extra. Me moving out on my own will cost her even more, which is so messed up. I cant get out of being financially dependent on my parents without detrimentally affecting my mother. What a ****** position to be in.
Plus the fact that she had to fight to get any child support, and accepted less that what had been owed her for ten years. And she had to pay a lawyer for that. It's so messed up.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Spalding, your mother's financial position is not your responsibility. For better or for worse. She is an adult with the adult responsibility of managing her own money and her own future. No one is looking out for your best interests if everyone is looking out for hers. Not to mention that child support money is money that is earmarked for YOU. She may be entrusted to manage it, but it's not for her.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
I know it's not my responsibility, but my actions directly impact her. She's not really getting a choice here...
I mean, there's one thing to caring about myself first, and there's another to being completely oblivious to how my actions will impact someone else. How do I balance that? It's going to severely impact her either way. If it was for me, or if she uses it to keep up the house that we lived in together for the last 10 years.
I dont know how to get out from feeling bad for this one. Especially when I know how hard she fought for me to be able to go to university (by getting my dad to contribute). I wish I could just win the lottery and pay her back the money and be able to go on my merry way outside from all this ******** financial situations and be able to build my own life and work on my own problems, and build my relationship with her separate from this stuff.
I mean, there's one thing to caring about myself first, and there's another to being completely oblivious to how my actions will impact someone else. How do I balance that? It's going to severely impact her either way. If it was for me, or if she uses it to keep up the house that we lived in together for the last 10 years.
I dont know how to get out from feeling bad for this one. Especially when I know how hard she fought for me to be able to go to university (by getting my dad to contribute). I wish I could just win the lottery and pay her back the money and be able to go on my merry way outside from all this ******** financial situations and be able to build my own life and work on my own problems, and build my relationship with her separate from this stuff.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
She had a choice to seek recovery from her alcoholism and to quit keeping you up all night and preventing you from studying.
But it's much easier to tug your heartstrings and give you a guilt trip.
Do you have an Alanon meeting available in your area? Or an ACoA meeting? That can help a lot with the guilt. You are not responsible for your mother.
But it's much easier to tug your heartstrings and give you a guilt trip.
Do you have an Alanon meeting available in your area? Or an ACoA meeting? That can help a lot with the guilt. You are not responsible for your mother.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Again, Im left with the fact that yes, she did keep me up sometimes. But it wasn't always. Are the sometimes issues enough to cost her 20000 in child support? I dont know.
All Im left with is the fact that no matter what I do, Im screwed. Go back, screwed. Leave, screwed. Stay at my dad`s, screwed.
I'm either:
-Taking on huge amounts of debt
-Further straining my relationship with my mother when she's sick already
-Putting myself in an unhealthy position
Ugh.
All Im left with is the fact that no matter what I do, Im screwed. Go back, screwed. Leave, screwed. Stay at my dad`s, screwed.
I'm either:
-Taking on huge amounts of debt
-Further straining my relationship with my mother when she's sick already
-Putting myself in an unhealthy position
Ugh.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Your mom's ship may be sinking no matter what you do if she keeps drinking.
In fact, you "keeping her afloat" with your child support money may allow her to sink even deeper into her addiction since she (presumably) will not have to worry about getting money for drink and housing expenses.
So does she work? How did she plan to pay for her house when you moved on into your adult life?
It really seems you are buying into her guilt trip.
Why is she so unable to care for herself without your child support money?
Could her alcoholism have something to do with this?
Maybe you leaving is exactly what she needs to take charge of her drinking and her life.
In fact, you "keeping her afloat" with your child support money may allow her to sink even deeper into her addiction since she (presumably) will not have to worry about getting money for drink and housing expenses.
So does she work? How did she plan to pay for her house when you moved on into your adult life?
It really seems you are buying into her guilt trip.
Why is she so unable to care for herself without your child support money?
Could her alcoholism have something to do with this?
Maybe you leaving is exactly what she needs to take charge of her drinking and her life.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
This is insanity.
So my father says today that he's going to have to email my mum and tell her that if she wont co-operate Im going to be going back to her house full-time.
I tell him that I'm not doing that. I ask him what he will do when I return on Sunday.
I'm not prepared to go back to my mum's full time. I dont know what would happen. I can't be put in that situation. I'm hoping she starts getting help. I feel like there's already too much water under that bridge. It hurts to say that I dont think I can go back to my mum's. I'm even afraid that things will go fine and then all of this will be thrown in my face. That I was wrong the whole time and that things werent so bad. Im so afraid that I've made that mistake. But I also know that things were bad enough at times. I also know that things were good too. It's just what lies in the balance. When is it enough to make that move? I guess I already did.
SO THEN. My dad comes into my room after telling me he's leaving it up to her, and he doesnt want to put me in that situation, but he has no choice because he cant pay twice for me, and he's going into debt every month and he cant afford it. And he says: "Forget everything I just said, you can come and go as you please; I cant do this to you."
Talk about mixed messages.
Now I'm left in the situation of:
-Being a financial burden on my dad because my mum wont pay him the $400 of the $1700 he pays (she's offered $250) if I stay at my dad's
-Being a financial burden on my mum by cutting off the child support if I move out (losing 17-24k of expected income over the next year and a half)
-Going back to my mum's and facing holy hell for the last few months' actions and facing uncertainty with regards to my stability
-Negotiating with my mum to pay for my rent so that she still receives child support over the next year and a half (minus $800 per month) instead of me making that unilateral decision and cutting it off completely. (She's gonna say no.)
What do I do with this?
So my father says today that he's going to have to email my mum and tell her that if she wont co-operate Im going to be going back to her house full-time.
I tell him that I'm not doing that. I ask him what he will do when I return on Sunday.
I'm not prepared to go back to my mum's full time. I dont know what would happen. I can't be put in that situation. I'm hoping she starts getting help. I feel like there's already too much water under that bridge. It hurts to say that I dont think I can go back to my mum's. I'm even afraid that things will go fine and then all of this will be thrown in my face. That I was wrong the whole time and that things werent so bad. Im so afraid that I've made that mistake. But I also know that things were bad enough at times. I also know that things were good too. It's just what lies in the balance. When is it enough to make that move? I guess I already did.
SO THEN. My dad comes into my room after telling me he's leaving it up to her, and he doesnt want to put me in that situation, but he has no choice because he cant pay twice for me, and he's going into debt every month and he cant afford it. And he says: "Forget everything I just said, you can come and go as you please; I cant do this to you."
Talk about mixed messages.
Now I'm left in the situation of:
-Being a financial burden on my dad because my mum wont pay him the $400 of the $1700 he pays (she's offered $250) if I stay at my dad's
-Being a financial burden on my mum by cutting off the child support if I move out (losing 17-24k of expected income over the next year and a half)
-Going back to my mum's and facing holy hell for the last few months' actions and facing uncertainty with regards to my stability
-Negotiating with my mum to pay for my rent so that she still receives child support over the next year and a half (minus $800 per month) instead of me making that unilateral decision and cutting it off completely. (She's gonna say no.)
What do I do with this?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Gee wiz! How old are you? None of that financial stuff should be on your shoulders! Both of your parents should be discussing it as adults and taking care of YOU. Hope your dad has more sense than your mom at this point; he can't really expect that you should carry the burden of going back there over some money, can he? Oh man..... I wish you could just get out on your own and leave this whole mess behind. Sorries :-(
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
I took on the debt and walked away.
It was destroying my soul to try and "fix" my parents.
I decided I wanted to have a chance at life and not be their lifetime prop.
My mistake was feeling sorry for my mother and coming back into a codependent relationship.
In hindsight, I would not do that again.
Only you can decide when you've had enough.
It was destroying my soul to try and "fix" my parents.
I decided I wanted to have a chance at life and not be their lifetime prop.
My mistake was feeling sorry for my mother and coming back into a codependent relationship.
In hindsight, I would not do that again.
Only you can decide when you've had enough.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Spalding, my own opinion is that you should do what is best for YOU and let your parents do whatever it is that they choose to do.
You aren't a football, or a hot potato, to be tossed back and forth according to what benefits either one of them financially. It sounds like your dad's place is more conducive to your ability to live in relative peace, but if it bothers you too much to have to deal with his griping about the fallout, then some other solution should be explored. It sounds as if he's WILLING to have you there, but he's got some huge financial resentments. If you can tune those out, and refuse to get sucked in, then stay put.
Above all, remember this: it is THEIR problem, not something you are responsible for.
You aren't a football, or a hot potato, to be tossed back and forth according to what benefits either one of them financially. It sounds like your dad's place is more conducive to your ability to live in relative peace, but if it bothers you too much to have to deal with his griping about the fallout, then some other solution should be explored. It sounds as if he's WILLING to have you there, but he's got some huge financial resentments. If you can tune those out, and refuse to get sucked in, then stay put.
Above all, remember this: it is THEIR problem, not something you are responsible for.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
Well. My mum is done with me.
She says she doesnt want to see me anymore. Not to tell her about graduation when it comes. Not to call. Not to nothing. And she's getting a mover to get my things out of her house.
This is the last thing I wanted to have happen.
She says Ive pushed too far. The fact that I've gone to live with my dad who is a monster in her eyes for the things he has done (which he has done some really horrible things). The fact that I cant suck it up because it's just another year. The fact that I'm going to be robbing her of the child support she fought to get from my dad. The fact that I am ungrateful for all the things she fought for for me (getting my dad to pay my tuition, calling him out when he excluded me etc etc).
She doesnt understand the issues of codependency and enabling that have happened, and when I explain what's gone on in the past, she tells me to get over it.
This is so horrible. I never wanted to estrange myself from my mother.
I'm not going to be able to see my dogs.
I'm afraid she's going to die, and we're going to be on bad terms.
I'm afraid she's going to get sober and still hate me.
I'm afraid I just ruined my relationship with my mother. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
She says she doesnt want to see me anymore. Not to tell her about graduation when it comes. Not to call. Not to nothing. And she's getting a mover to get my things out of her house.
This is the last thing I wanted to have happen.
She says Ive pushed too far. The fact that I've gone to live with my dad who is a monster in her eyes for the things he has done (which he has done some really horrible things). The fact that I cant suck it up because it's just another year. The fact that I'm going to be robbing her of the child support she fought to get from my dad. The fact that I am ungrateful for all the things she fought for for me (getting my dad to pay my tuition, calling him out when he excluded me etc etc).
She doesnt understand the issues of codependency and enabling that have happened, and when I explain what's gone on in the past, she tells me to get over it.
This is so horrible. I never wanted to estrange myself from my mother.
I'm not going to be able to see my dogs.
I'm afraid she's going to die, and we're going to be on bad terms.
I'm afraid she's going to get sober and still hate me.
I'm afraid I just ruined my relationship with my mother. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Spalding 
Well. My mum is done with me.
She says she doesnt want to see me anymore. Not to tell her about graduation when it comes. Not to call. Not to nothing. And she's getting a mover to get my things out of her house.
This is the last thing I wanted to have happen.
She says Ive pushed too far. The fact that I've gone to live with my dad who is a monster in her eyes for the things he has done (which he has done some really horrible things). The fact that I cant suck it up because it's just another year. The fact that I'm going to be robbing her of the child support she fought to get from my dad. The fact that I am ungrateful for all the things she fought for for me (getting my dad to pay my tuition, calling him out when he excluded me etc etc).
She doesnt understand the issues of codependency and enabling that have happened, and when I explain what's gone on in the past, she tells me to get over it.
This is so horrible. I never wanted to estrange myself from my mother.
I'm not going to be able to see my dogs.
I'm afraid she's going to die, and we're going to be on bad terms.
I'm afraid she's going to get sober and still hate me.
I'm afraid I just ruined my relationship with my mother. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
She says she doesnt want to see me anymore. Not to tell her about graduation when it comes. Not to call. Not to nothing. And she's getting a mover to get my things out of her house.
This is the last thing I wanted to have happen.
She says Ive pushed too far. The fact that I've gone to live with my dad who is a monster in her eyes for the things he has done (which he has done some really horrible things). The fact that I cant suck it up because it's just another year. The fact that I'm going to be robbing her of the child support she fought to get from my dad. The fact that I am ungrateful for all the things she fought for for me (getting my dad to pay my tuition, calling him out when he excluded me etc etc).
She doesnt understand the issues of codependency and enabling that have happened, and when I explain what's gone on in the past, she tells me to get over it.
This is so horrible. I never wanted to estrange myself from my mother.
I'm not going to be able to see my dogs.
I'm afraid she's going to die, and we're going to be on bad terms.
I'm afraid she's going to get sober and still hate me.
I'm afraid I just ruined my relationship with my mother. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
This is a manipulation tactic intended to try to get you to tow the same old line and maintain her status quo, to make herself the one and only victim in a series of unfortunate circumstances that she had a hand in creating.
I would bet my right arm that this is not the end of your story with your mother. I know that doesn't go very far to assuage the hurt and guilt you are feeling right now in the middle of things, but I promise you, more will be revealed.
Sending hugs and patience with yourself in the meantime.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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I just don't know how to deal with this. I hope that's what it is Sparkle, but she's cut people out before and not backed down.
I'm so afraid I've been unreasonable or mischaracterizing. That I shouldn't have moved out over this.
She's said its not what I'm doing, it's how I've done it. Abruptly. Without warning. She's said, I never even gave her the chance for us to sit down and wrte out: what I not deal with, what can she not deal with.
Even last week. She called me and asked me to take the garbage out cause she slipped on the driveway. I hesitated cause I'm sick, tired and wouldn't be getting home til late so it would be hard for me to (though she only lives up the street from my dad). I didn't know if she had actually slipped either. And last week I had taken it out too cause it had been a baaaad night for her (cops involved etc). I wasn't sure if it was enabling. And she's hurt that I didn't do it this week. And apparently that was he breaking point for wanting to see me.
I'm just afraid I've been too inflexible.
Plus she says she's gonna get sober and I'm not gonna see it happen.
This hurts so much. This is my nightmare coming true.
I'm so afraid I've been unreasonable or mischaracterizing. That I shouldn't have moved out over this.
She's said its not what I'm doing, it's how I've done it. Abruptly. Without warning. She's said, I never even gave her the chance for us to sit down and wrte out: what I not deal with, what can she not deal with.
Even last week. She called me and asked me to take the garbage out cause she slipped on the driveway. I hesitated cause I'm sick, tired and wouldn't be getting home til late so it would be hard for me to (though she only lives up the street from my dad). I didn't know if she had actually slipped either. And last week I had taken it out too cause it had been a baaaad night for her (cops involved etc). I wasn't sure if it was enabling. And she's hurt that I didn't do it this week. And apparently that was he breaking point for wanting to see me.
I'm just afraid I've been too inflexible.
Plus she says she's gonna get sober and I'm not gonna see it happen.
This hurts so much. This is my nightmare coming true.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Your mum is being extremely selfish. You are not her servant. A loving, caring parent doesn't guilt trip their child. Or get angry because you are a money source for her and you left. Make no mistake she fought for that support for herself not you. How was she planning to care for herself after you graduated and moved out?
Do not feel guilty. Your first responsibility is to yourself. Always. A parents job is to raise a healthy, productive child and then let them go. If we do a good job than hopefully the child will stay an active part of our lives. But, it's not a guarantee. Take care of you.
Do not feel guilty. Your first responsibility is to yourself. Always. A parents job is to raise a healthy, productive child and then let them go. If we do a good job than hopefully the child will stay an active part of our lives. But, it's not a guarantee. Take care of you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Try giving this some time and see if your perspective on it shifts. I don't think anything you've done to take care of yourself or preserve your peace has been out of line or inappropriate. To cut someone out of your life because they didn't take out your garbage when they're sick is not indicative of reasonable adult behavior.
Adults also don't have to be "given a chance" to stop behaving badly. She had warnings every time you asked her to let you sleep.
Growing up with an alcoholic mom myself, I know how much more comfortable it is to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong between you too, to take ALL of the responsibility for it. Having and enforcing boundaries is NOT being inflexible, it's just taking care of yourself. Anyone -- especially your own mother -- who takes so personally your need to take care of yourself is sick in their own codependence and addiction.
You are going to get through this, Spalding. Promise.
Adults also don't have to be "given a chance" to stop behaving badly. She had warnings every time you asked her to let you sleep.
Growing up with an alcoholic mom myself, I know how much more comfortable it is to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong between you too, to take ALL of the responsibility for it. Having and enforcing boundaries is NOT being inflexible, it's just taking care of yourself. Anyone -- especially your own mother -- who takes so personally your need to take care of yourself is sick in their own codependence and addiction.
You are going to get through this, Spalding. Promise.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Spalding, this is crazy stuff. You are projecting a whole litany of "horribles" that may never come to pass.
She is treating you like a hostage or a servant, not like an adult child. If you gave in to her demands, you could still be dealing with this when you're 30--that isn't what you want.
She will get over it, or not. Either way, YOU behaved like a kind and responsible young woman. If she only treats you well when you are doing her bidding, that isn't love.
I'm sorry how difficult all of this has been for you. It isn't fair, but it is what it is.
She is treating you like a hostage or a servant, not like an adult child. If you gave in to her demands, you could still be dealing with this when you're 30--that isn't what you want.
She will get over it, or not. Either way, YOU behaved like a kind and responsible young woman. If she only treats you well when you are doing her bidding, that isn't love.
I'm sorry how difficult all of this has been for you. It isn't fair, but it is what it is.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Honey, let me explain something. Child Support is to support the child. That is what it's for. Eventually she won't get child support anymore b/c you will be a grown adult. That is the fact. Read back, it was so bad that the police were involved?! You cannot be expected to exist in an environment like that.
If you mom truly cares, she will shut her mouth and do something with her life. I don't mean any disrespect, but that is how it is. Words mean nothing. This is not the first time she has been "done" with you during your posting all of this. She needs to get some help and show she can be sober and take care of her responsibilities. That is what the adult is responsible for, not the child taking care of the mother.
You should not be having to deal with the financial issues between your parents. My X has not paid me child support since last September, my kids don't know anything about it, nor will they. It's not theirs to deal with, just like it's not yours.
I agree with Sparkle. You are going to get through this. Take good care Spalding!
If you mom truly cares, she will shut her mouth and do something with her life. I don't mean any disrespect, but that is how it is. Words mean nothing. This is not the first time she has been "done" with you during your posting all of this. She needs to get some help and show she can be sober and take care of her responsibilities. That is what the adult is responsible for, not the child taking care of the mother.
You should not be having to deal with the financial issues between your parents. My X has not paid me child support since last September, my kids don't know anything about it, nor will they. It's not theirs to deal with, just like it's not yours.
I agree with Sparkle. You are going to get through this. Take good care Spalding!
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