QueSera81

My ABF had his last drink exactly 3 weeks ago tonight. He was absolutely wrecked. In the last three weeks he's abstained from alcohol, but has done little to promote recovery. I was planning to address this with him after the New Year. I have mostly been enjoying the peace. My parents visited for the holiday and he spent some time with us. They left today and I have meal prepped for an army all day and he was out golfing. He wanted to come over after golf. When he called me I noticed behavior that felt more like his drinking behavior (hard to explain, but trust me). Then he asked me if there was any wine left from my parents visit. I said there wasn't and he said something like, "You guys drank all that wine?!?" We actually only drank 2 bottles and I sent one unopened bottle back with my parents and I just found one that's 3/4 full in the fridge. Hilarious that he would be the one to say that since I've definitely seen him down multiple bottles of wine in a night. I told him there was no wine (and promptly stashed the 3/4 bottle in a spot he'll never find it). A while later he texted me to say he might pick up a bottle of wine on his way. I told him that if he was going to drink he'd have to do it elsewhere and he decided not to buy it.

I guess years of drinking to excess really has pickled his brain since apparently he can't remember the 4 days of shaking/palpitations/feeling terrible that finished just barely two weeks ago and he now seems like he wants to do it again.

I know ending this is going to break my heart a little bit...but I can't pour all my time and energy into loving someone who can't love himself. Now I just need to find the strength to do it.

FeelingGreat

Sorry he's acting like this QS, especially after such a good start. I recognise his behaviour from my own over the years when I was trying to abstain. Total committed abstinence is the only way, because it never stays at just one glass for us.

LexieCat

Being unable to remember the consequences of picking up the first drink is a characteristic of alcoholism. It doesn't mean he has a "pickled" brain in the way you probably mean (serious irreversible brain damage). It's garden-variety alcoholic behavior.

And yes, it's likely to get worse before it gets better, if he's already looking to drink again. If you are ready to break it off, I'd suggest that you do it cleanly and with finality, and don't continue to have contact with him. Experience on this forum suggests that's not a great idea and only prolongs the pain.

You can tell him that you wish him the best, but that you really don't want to have to deal with unpredictable alcoholic behavior, so you've decided it's best for you to move on.

BoxinRotz

My alcoholic went past the shakes, feeling hung over and right to Life Flight to the Trauma Center, then onto brain surgery a couple months later and, as if that wasn't enough, nearly losing his job 6 months after all that.

Until they decide that their life is garbage with the alcohol and they just can't do it anymore, they will continue to do it.

If you can't wait for him to get a clue and a grip, I offer you strength and peace to get the hell out quickly.

BoxinRotz

Double posted! I forgot how to use the forum! lol

QueSera81

Thanks everyone.

LexieCat - I actually question whether he might have some atrophy from long term alcohol abuse/dependence.

BoxinRotz - I have been on the receiving end of that Life Flight many (many many many) times. I fear that BF is headed that direction if he doesn't take some action. I have said over and over that I refuse to truly consider a future with him until he cleans up his act because I have this fear of a late night knock on the door telling me he's killed someone else while driving drunk (or worse yet, watching him or his victim roll through the trauma bay doors)

He got here. I finished up dinner and we ate. He immediately started complaining that his stomach hurt and then fell asleep on the couch. Before he fell asleep he volunteered to do the dishes, but said he wanted a cigarette first (as I was already gathering dishes and clearly going to just do them). Of course, I finished the dishes in that time. I am highly suspicious that he was drinking on the golf course earlier today, which would explain his tone when he called me afterward. Wish there were a way to know for sure, but asking would be entirely counterproductive.

NWGRITS

Trust your gut. You've been doing this long enough that you know what being drunk looks (or sounds) like from him. Does it really matter if he drank today or not? His behavior bothered you, and that's enough to feel confident in your decision to enforce your boundary. If he isn't working any type of program and is already acting squirrely, I'd start seriously considering walking away sooner rather than later.

BoxinRotz

If I were to hazard a guess (I don't know the dude) it seems he was hitting the bottle before he got home. No one passes out like that after golfing... I mean damn... I play hard n still keep going when it comes to hunting. I'm talking work all night, hunt all day n work all night with no sleep. He can't stay awake to do dishes. SMH

FlippedRHalo

That was my alcoholic fiance's MO - if he was trying to hide the fact that he was drinking from me, he'd come home soooo tired or soooo sick and have to go to sleep. The hard part was that his tolerance was so high (a bottle of whiskey a day/night will do that to a guy) that he could drink just enough for me to be uncertain about whether he actually was or not. After living together for a while, I could tell just by looking at him as he walked through the door whether he was or wasn't. Usually he was. Eventually, after swearing up, down and sideways that he wasn't, he'd admit it.

My ex did the same as yours. He'd go for weeks (apparently, supposedly, still unsure now looking back) and then feel he could have just one or two drinks. HA! Alcoholism is such an insane disease.

As someone that tried to hold on, tried to help and almost lost myself in the process, please let go. You're prolonging your agony. I'm almost a month free from him and his disease and the relief I feel is amazing. Don't get me wrong, there are times when it's still not easy because I loved that man to pieces, but eventually you realize that nothing will ever change. It's a sad realization, but necessary for your own health and healing.

QueSera81

Well, that turned quickly.

I was working tonight and he was at his house. He was cleaning/prepping for his late Christmas celebration with his daughters. All of a sudden he told me he really wanted me there. I asked if we could discuss it later, quickly explained that i wasn't sure if a family celebration of holiday was the best time to introduce me to them but that I couldn't talk about it tonight. Work was very busy. He went off on me and said "F--- you" multiple times and called me a dumb b---- via text message. At that point I'd just had enough. Told him that I was blocking him and I was done. He called my work phone a few times and I told him the same thing. I don't think he gets it.

I don't think he's ever spoken to me like that without alcohol involved before. I'm sad, but in many ways I'm relieved. Now I just need to stick to my decision to end things tomorrow when he emails me or calls me from a different number (I am on call tomorrow, so will have to answer whenever my phone rings).

readerbaby71

Ugh, I am so sorry. No one deserves to be talked to like that. Be strong and hang in there. You can do this. xoxox

QueSera81

Thanks. This is going to be harder than I expected. I just woke up and I momentarily unblocked him. I didn't message him, though, and blocked him again after a few minutes. I know I can't waiver in this, because he'll be all apologetic and say he didn't mean it and want to be together and while I care about him, I just can't get sucked into his drama. My life is just too good and too happy to deal with this.

Please pardon my rambling on here today. I need some sort of outlet. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I've hid most of the bad that's gone on in my relationship from my friends. I think I was embarrassed that I would put up with the way he treated me and didn't want them to know.

Edit to add: Thanks for the well wishes and the advice, everyone.

Hawkeye13

As an alcoholic myself my sense is that he is still drinking and that he is nowhere near done drinking yet.

You are wise to stop this now before it gets worse, especially if he is already abusive this early in the relationship.

You do deserve better and I wish you a happier New Year and a partner ready and worthy of your love

Sloane91

You sound like a very strong person, very impressive!

My XAB and I just broke up 2 months ago after having been together for almost 2 years. He was my first love and my best friend. It was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. He was sober for 3 months and then after a couple relapses and a trip to the ER he still didn't get help or stop, instead he started lying to me and hiding Whiskey in the closet. He never got help and like you said about your XAB, he only abstained but did nothing to promote recovery. I think that is called being a "Dry Drunk".

So from my experience I can tell you that in order for an A to truly get better it has to be their choice. They have to make a lifestyle change and not just abstain. Many don't know how to do that and need help from a support group, rehab, a mentor, an addiction counselor or something. It is also recommended that an A in recovery not be in a relationship for the first year and I think it is true that while someone is going through recovery they don't have anything to offer in a relationship.

I decided that if my ex ever contacted me the only way I would consider getting back with him is if he stayed sober for a year and showed that he had made the needed lifestyle changes to sustain his sobriety. I have heard of that happening in some cases and things turning out ok, but it is rare and in my case I don't have high hopes of a reconciliation and have chosen to move on with my life.

I say trust your gut and stay strong. The life of being in a relationship with a active alcoholic is very rough, painful and draining. Sometimes an A has to lose a lot of the things that are important to them before they will make an effort to truly get better. If you have any rough or down days come here and post for support. I don't know how I would have made it through my break up without this wonderful forum.

hopeful4

I learned to trust my gut too. I could always tell when my XAH had been drinking. I would think long and hard about a future with this man. I am sorry.

QueSera81

Just got an email from him that said, "Babe, I'm worried about you."

I responded with, "In case something was unclear last night, it is over between us. I refuse to take verbal abuse. I wish you well and hope you find happiness. Please do not contact me anymore."

Hopefully he gets the point. I am supposed to have a friend over for dinner and I'm worried he'll show up. The local police have a terrible response time, so if something really goes bad I can't rely on them to show up. He threatened me with physical violence once - it was in the middle of an argument (can't remember what it was over) and I was baiting him some to be entirely honest. Still, I'm a little scared.

While I was writing this he wrote me back a long, begging email basically 1) admitting that he'd been drinking and 2) apologizing. Do I write back again requesting he not contact me or do I just leave it? Suggestions appreciated.

Carlotta

I think most of us have done it at one point or another (especially at the beginning). There was no SR when I was living with my XABF and I don't know what I would have done without Al Anon but before I started going, I was feeling so alone and so ashamed. I just felt stupid and was hiding how bad it was from my friends too.
So rant away This is a safe supportive place

SparkleKitty

You've already requested he not contact you anymore. I think your message will be clearer if you do not respond.

hopeful4

Lock your door and leave it alone. Continuing in a back and forth conversation is only going to flame the fire for him. You said your piece, I would leave it at that. I admire your strength and am glad you have a friend coming over to support you!

maia1234

Try No Contact.
Block his number on your cell.

Don't engage. If he wants to be sober his part of the street not yours. Let him do it on his own.