I heard from him-now I am being punished
 

Hello All,

First, I wanted to say thank you to those who replied to my message last night. I was so low, having not heard from my boyfriend for four days. Yes, I believe that he was on a binge. I need to remind myself that my snapping at him on Sunday may have upset him, but it didn't MAKE him binge.

I did call his sister last night and told her my concerns. She let me know that alcohol has been an ongoing problem with him, and that everyone in his family has tried to talk with him about it. His mother was flying in today, and we all were supposed to spend the weekend together. His mom thinks that he does not drink at all- he promised her he would never drink again after ending up with a DUI years ago in college.

Seems that I am no longer a part of the weekend plan. After I called his apartment a few times this morning, I finally got ahold of him. He barely said 10 words to me. I asked if he was alright, and he said "yes". Said his mother wasn't in yet. Then said that he had to go. His sister called me this afternoon to say that she had heard from him, and that when she asked him if I was going to spend the weekend with him & his mom-he told her that we were having issues, so I probably wouldn't be around.

Okay, so I feel like I am being punished now. He isn't speaking to me, and it looks as though I am being excluded from our weekend plans (making it look like I did something wrong). SO, I am home with nothing to do but turn everything over in my head. Am I being excluded because he is afraid that I will tell his mother? I was thinking about attending an alanon meeting, but the meeting titles are things like "friends of Louis and Bills" (?), "Madison 73 step" and "Uptown Saturday Night". Does anyone know about meetings in New York City?

Anyway, I am trying very hard not to give up on him, on us, but I am also feeling hurt, punished, and alone. Is my sticking around of any value to his potential recovery? or are his chances of becoming healthy the same if I am in his life or not? I just don't know if I can keep doing this- it has been happening for 2 years already...

Thank you all again for listening, and for the support.

I am being punished tonite too. Last night I went out with friends and had a great time while he stayed home and drank. He was quite mad at me - How dare I stay out until all hours (it was 9:30 pm when I got home). Now tonight when I got home from work, he's not around and will probably not be home until late just to show me who's boss. He is sooo immature. What he can't know yet is that it is so relaxing to be here without him. I get to enjoy my home, watch any tv show I want, eat whatever I want. I know when it gets dark that I may start to worry but I really am just going to try to check my thoughts and not go to the dark side. After all, maybe he's at an AA meeting. Okay that's probably a stretch. But I'm not going to think about all the bad stuff either. I will pray for strength for both of us, Melanie.

Melanie,

You could make some very cool plans for yourself this weekend. You could get together with some girlfriends that I bet you have been neglecting. Don't we all when there is a man in the wings?

I am sorry he is pouting but it is summer in the city!
Hugs,
JT

Yes and while you are making plans ask yourself if you want to be in this kind of relationship.


Been there done that the punishing mode and it doesn't get better.

Ngaire

Yep, he just staggered in. Why do I put up with this crap?

Thank you all again. I am going to spend my weekend doing my summer canning-pickles, peppers, etc-whatever I find at the greenmarket this morning. I especially appreciate the question regarding whether I want this type of relationship; after seeing my grandfather literally drink himself to death after my grandmother passed, and after having an ex come home drunk and put a gun in my face years ago, I am especially sensitive to drinking. Is it wrong to tell him that I love him, but cannot be with him if he isn't getting help? It is really how I feel. I just do not see myself going through this fora lifetime.

An aunt of mine always said "don't call him". I say detach from the situation, take care of yourself, do what you like to do.Life is too short and there are so many other things to do than to sit around moping over an alcoholic/addict.

txdnadoc-
He probably has an "act" for his mom that he probably figures you might give away....let him play his game you go ahead and live YOUR life.

one final thought... don't consider his actions punishment.....call them a blessing cause at least you won't feel compeled to lie all weekend now...

Oh, the games people play! I agree with the mother connection. My AH's mother died before we married and I think I just replaced her in his eyes. He has even said that he feels like he did when his mom was alive - hiding the drinking, trying to drink just enough so that he doesn't get caught. Well I don't want to be his mother. I have 3 kids and that's plenty.

Hi Txdnadoc,...... NO, it is not wrong at all. Take care of you and I would suggest Alanon meetings. The meetings can help you to keep the focus on you and what you want to do, no matter what he chooses to do or not do. I am glad to hear that you have made plans for the weekend for yourself......enjoy!

Patsy

"NO IT IS NOT WRONG TO WANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF."

Work on yourself by attending Alanon meetings and staying single for awhile to get your head together. You don't need this, it's dead end road.

Ngaire

I've been there with the punishment. In my opinion, they do what they know works. They know that guilt is one of the things that motivates us to do the things we do. They get mad - we feel guilty - they get what they want. It's a vicious circle.

Once I really understood the punishment and the manipulation, it was easier for me to stop playing my role in it.

I don't think that they punish and manipulate because they are bad people. That's just what alcoholics do.

You can certainly love him and wish him the best. Just don't love him more than you love yourself - that's what always gets me in trouble.

Hugs - L

I am sorry he is doing this to you. I have to say also, please think long and hard if you want to continue this relationship. I wish I could turn back the clock and be in a different place.

Love does not have to hurt but it often seems to. When you listen to the music of love you will hear it telling stories about the pain and sorrow of unfulfilled love. Someone left, someone cheated, or someone died and left someone sad and alone. Love is such a strong positive emotion that it is inevitable that there will be some pain associated with it at some time. This is Nature's law of opposites. For every force there is an equal and opposite force to hold it in balance. As much as our love would soar as a bird on the air, there is gravity to bring it back to earth…sometimes falling but usually gliding.

Passion, is a bird on wing in the thin air of the highest sky without a net. Passion is blissful delight. It's exciting, thrilling, and we feel so alive. You remember your first love and you always will while those that follow diminish in the distance and fade in the past. First love and passion unlock so many feelings that it's hard to describe them all: euphoria, peace, tenderness, tingling, jealousies, and complete connection are but a few. Passion is a sweet anesthesia that blinds us to anything that might come between us. Love, in the passion stage, holds a power for that moment that can overcome everything.

When judgment is replaced with passion, people tend to make different decisions than they otherwise would. You dated and maybe even married that person even though you sensed that there were major differences between you. You somehow thought that they weren't important or that they would change. Then you realized, when the passion wore off as it always does, that maybe things weren't as great as you thought. That realization and the following break-up were hard. It hurt. It seems as though love always hurts.

The truth, however, is that love does not hurt but it is the falling out of love or not having love that really hurts. And the higher you are, such as in the heights of passion or the tower of a long-term love, the harder the fall. A break-up, divorce, death, or abandonment are some of the most painful experiences of life because we miss our love so much.

We all need two things in life 1. To not be alone or feel alone, and 2. To be appreciated and loved for whom we are. Love brings us together and loneliness reminds us that we are missing something in life. You may not even understand it but the forces are there. We seek fulfillment in the love of others when we often need to love ourselves just as much.
Quote: Magichappens..".My life revolved around the alchoholic. He was the center of my universe. I needed to start filling my life with love from people who understand, and can help. I love my husband, but we can't make each other complete. I needed more, and I got it through Al-Anon. Hugs,Magic". Very well put!

The thing that has helped me the most to fill the void that drives me to focus on the alcoholic is getting involved with my Al-Anon group. Focussing on attending meetings, phone calls to members, reading literature, and working on applying it to my life has helped me to feel like a more complete person. My life revolved around the alchoholic. He was the center of my universe. I needed to start filling my life with love from people who understand, and can help. I love my husband, but we can't make each other complete. I needed more, and I got it through Al-Anon. Hugs, Magic