Todzilla

Recovering spouse still has horrific mood swings and says hurtful things under the excuse of seeking comfort for her pain. I want to comfort her, but her words are devastating and she really has no clue. If I ever bring up that her words are hurtful, she'll either ignore me or fly into another rage.

Some days I'm really good at rising above my ego and seeing her as a very wounded person. Other days, it gets to me and I feel hurt, which is no use to either of us.

Any pointers on how to detach my ego more consistently?

redatlanta

Recovering or not abuse is abuse. I wouldn't say she doesn't have a clue - I would say she doesn't care. King Baby syndrome, 'I don't feel good and its all about me so f**k you".

How to detach from this is not to interact with it. Its not your responsibility to comfort her. That probably sounds harsh to you but you need to break the cycle of codependent behavior. You also need to break the cycle of accepting her abuse.

How to do that would be laying boundaries and adhering to them. If she becomes abusive don't accept the behavior - leave. Go to another area of the house. Refuse to interact.

Do not reward the behavior by accepting it based on her "wounds and pain".

This is so not about your ego, its about being human and choosing not to be the punching bag in your household.

Seren

I'm really sorry to hear that you are on the receiving end of such verbal and emotional abuse, Todzilla.

When I was married to my now ex-husband, he would give me the cold shoulder or he would rage sometimes....

I recognize now that these what my ex was doing is considered verbal and emotional abuse.

I will never tell you what you should do...whether or not you should stay or go. I just hope that you will come to understand that you do not deserve to be, as redatlanta said, the punching bag for your wife's dysfunction.

Seren

I should add, my alcoholic, poly-substance abusing stepson, whom I do love more than my own abilities, has a penchant for referring to me as his father's 'naive, ****-kicking, gold-digging trophy wife'. To which I typically reply "hey! I'm a trophy wife!!! wooohooooo!!!!!"

Then I realize that if that is the case, I'm going to need some serious 'work' done

AnvilheadII

but her words are devastating and she really has no clue.

that's a nice spin, but I suggest she knows EXACTLY what she is doing and does so deliberately with the goal of hurting you, demeaning you, emotionally castrating you. you're a handy target and you keep coming back for more........

Hammer

Ever see one of these? Back when they first came out (in some prior decade, century, and millennium ) I was too young for one, but they always sort of amused me.

But I did discover, now later, although I never HAD one, I BECAME one.


Amazon.com: The Original 46" Bozo 3-D Bop Bag: Office Products

Here is the deal, Tod. You (and I) should not be Bozo the Boxing Clown.

schnappi99

I was talking to my sponsor about this last week. He's a double-winner and proposed that addicts often have no clue about the effects of their words and actions have on others. Its the internal dialog often doesn't leave room for consideration of others. Last year when raw was active and I was totally steeped in the codie response I didn't have a lot of room in my head either- and I was often manipulative and passive aggressive etc..

As I've posed before i was often fixated on physical intimacy, and would manipulate w/ guilt trips, language, negotiation to try and get it. All of that felt quite justified at the time of course- lots of learned behavior etc.

Thats all easy to say of course, the hard part is letting go/detaching from really provocative behavior, particularly when the facts they marshal are clearly wrong (or at least they really seem to be so). I certainly don't have instructions either. What helped me was digging into the stepwork. In alanon around here we use the "Blueprint for progress" book for the Step 4 work. I started at the beginning, responding to questions in essay form. Journalling has helped too, particularly when I'm feeling triggered in one way or another.

MissFixit

Hi Tod,

Allowing someone to abuse you is just that. You feeling hurt is normal to someone abusing you. As long as you allow her to abuse you, she will continue. The longer you tolerate it, the more accustom to it you will become. It sneaks up on people like that. What you wont put up with one day seems like a dream years down the road when the abuse is greater.

You are at a pivotal point right now where you can still "see" you are being abused and you are reaching out to others because it feels bad. That is good. Don't suppress your feelings. Embrace them. Your wife is not a small child acting out, she is a grown woman abusing a man who takes it.

Now, how can you handle it? What do you want to do to stop it? Are you in counseling?

Eauchiche

I have had to do what works for me. This means limited contact with my alcoholic mate and family of origin. I live 2-1/2 hours from both.

If you remove alcohol from the equation, ask yourself if you would stay with a spouse who is abusive.

KariSue

But her actions ARE personal. She is purposely hurting you to ease her discomfort. There are other things she can do and you can walk away the minute she starts. I would have something planned to say when it starts.

Kari

NYCDoglvr

You're not going to change her behavior, thoughts or moods. You're not entirely powerless, however, you can go to Alanon. I hope you understand you -- nobody -- should ever settle for abuse. You can make rationalizations, but it's up to you if you're going to continue in this situation.

Hammer

And just between us guys . . . this is not too bad an overview of how to deal with this stuff -- especially for *us* guys who [think or have been told] are just supposed to put up with this crap.

Going Mental: Borderline Personality Disorder Enablers and Apologists

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdYoXKWc9aw

honeypig

Todzilla, did you happen to catch this post? It might be helpful. I just referred another member to it and then thought of you, too.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-dec-18-a.html

Todzilla

Thanks for the insights, folks.

If it's any comfort, I'm very angry about this. I'm hanging in there to see if we can work it out, but I know I can't do this very much longer before I've had enough. Can she change? I think so. Will she? Not up to me.

Hammer

You have a lot to consider.

PM if you want after you get to think some of this through.

Best to you.

cynical one

She's not drinking at you, so it isn't personal. But, unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. The use of drugs and/or alcohol is not an excuse for abuse. Only you can decide what you are willing to accept.

Todzilla

Just to clarify, she is eight years sober and deeply involved in AA. Still, her behavior of emotional narcissism and cruel outbursts are worse now than they ever were when she was actively drinking.

FeelingGreat

Hi Tod, are there any consequences for her when she does get abusive? Even if she has fried her brain with alcohol at one stage, I bet she manages to restrain herself with other people, right? So she's capable of behaving well, just not with you.
I personally wouldn't do any favours for someone who treated me with disrespect. You might think about whether you're doing too much for her (I don't know your circumstances). One thing is certain, you aren't doing her any favours by tolerating her abuse.

Todzilla

I think you're right. She speaks of empathy and compassion constantly, yet only demonstrates it with others, not with me or our teenage daughter who is similarly fed up with mom's ********.

It's tough though - anything short of adoration brings out her beast. I'm trying to recognize that's her beast, not mine. When she asks me my opinion on something, I'm trying to be totally honest and not seek an answer designed to avoid provocation (as I've done in the past). Lately, this creates a firestorm, but one that dies down enough for us to actually make progress.

Seren

It really is horrifying that you and your daughter have been held hostage to her tantrums for so long. If it were me, 8 years would have been enough 'experimental time' to see if any changes were possible in her personality.

It really is your decision on what you should do, Todzilla. We will support you in whatever you decide.