How to not Take a Things Personally?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
My best advice is that when she is in one of dark moods and you can't emotionally detach, to find something that makes you happy, and do that instead. When I can't mentally/emotionally detach, I have to do it physically.
A great Al Anon phrase is "what would you be doing if..." this problem or situation wasn't happening? And then go do that.
A great Al Anon phrase is "what would you be doing if..." this problem or situation wasn't happening? And then go do that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Todd, you have time on your hands. Take your time, reD, educate yourself and decide what is best for u and your daughter. The stronger get you are the better off you will be. Keep reaching out for suggestions. Sr works!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by schnappi99 
Oh man I know that silent tailspin..
She isolates pretty often, just goes off into the sunroom by herself all evening.. mostly for distraction I guess, lots of hulu, facebook etc often till midnight and later. I've often found that provocative and difficult to detach from, makes me want to point stuff out, find that perfect comment that will get her back involved (lol meaning "guilt" her back). I've also had some success with detaching.. if nothing else at least we aren't fighting in front of our daughter. The alanon "next right thing" works for me... once the daughter is in bathed and in bed then I can go have some shop-time and get to bed early enough to have a hope of getting up in time to exercise next day.
I've gone in a few times just to say hi before going to bed.. usually its the daily show or SNL reruns on her laptop.. like she's just searching for distraction. The emotional wall has been going up for the last 6 years or so, ever taller ever thicker... when I'm feeling reasonable in tune w/ my program I do try to broach relationship/feelings conversation with her, mostly I don't get much of anything or worse "I don't know what to say". Its sad compared to the woman I married.. her emotional openness and confidence attracted me from day 1. From occasional comments it appears she is more open with her friends.. I pretty much get the wall. All that said she's less angry now than she was even 6 months ago- which is more comfortable for the daughter and I by a long shot.. but we are a long way apart.
I give full credit to the alanon step-work for keeping me out of the tailspin to the extent I've managed it... its a near constant challenge.
She isolates pretty often, just goes off into the sunroom by herself all evening.. mostly for distraction I guess, lots of hulu, facebook etc often till midnight and later. I've often found that provocative and difficult to detach from, makes me want to point stuff out, find that perfect comment that will get her back involved (lol meaning "guilt" her back). I've also had some success with detaching.. if nothing else at least we aren't fighting in front of our daughter. The alanon "next right thing" works for me... once the daughter is in bathed and in bed then I can go have some shop-time and get to bed early enough to have a hope of getting up in time to exercise next day.
I've gone in a few times just to say hi before going to bed.. usually its the daily show or SNL reruns on her laptop.. like she's just searching for distraction. The emotional wall has been going up for the last 6 years or so, ever taller ever thicker... when I'm feeling reasonable in tune w/ my program I do try to broach relationship/feelings conversation with her, mostly I don't get much of anything or worse "I don't know what to say". Its sad compared to the woman I married.. her emotional openness and confidence attracted me from day 1. From occasional comments it appears she is more open with her friends.. I pretty much get the wall. All that said she's less angry now than she was even 6 months ago- which is more comfortable for the daughter and I by a long shot.. but we are a long way apart.
I give full credit to the alanon step-work for keeping me out of the tailspin to the extent I've managed it... its a near constant challenge.
Tomorrow is our 20th anniversary. We're going to our favorite restaurant. If she's is a good mood we'll have a wonderful time. If she's not, I hope I can find the right state of mind to enjoy myself anyway and be compassionate in my interactions with her.
P.S. What's the "Al Anon Right Thing?"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by NotSoSmart
My best advice is that when she is in one of dark moods and you can't emotionally detach, to find something that makes you happy, and do that instead. When I can't mentally/emotionally detach, I have to do it physically.
A great Al Anon phrase is "what would you be doing if..." this problem or situation wasn't happening? And then go do that.
A great Al Anon phrase is "what would you be doing if..." this problem or situation wasn't happening? And then go do that.
Same for bicycle rides.
This is crazy. I just need to make it not my crazy.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Todzilla....you have read "Co-dependent No More", right? (I can't remember).
If, by chance, you haven't...I highly suggest you give it a read. It is practically considered a classic in these parts.
dandylion
p.s.--why in the world would you struggle to get over making m usic in your studio? Especially, only a few hrs. a week?
If, by chance, you haven't...I highly suggest you give it a read. It is practically considered a classic in these parts.
dandylion
p.s.--why in the world would you struggle to get over making m usic in your studio? Especially, only a few hrs. a week?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
The "next right thing" as taught to me amounts to being mindful of self-care; ie whatever is the next thing you can do to take care of yourself. I've heard it shared in meetings in some cases its as obvious as remembering to eat, or to take a shower.. for me it takes the form of not indulging in my own fears & insecurities on various issues, exercising, getting some shop time even if its just an hour or so, going to meetings.
Learning to live with the waves of frustration and remembering that feelings aren't facts & they pass has been challenging and rewarding.
Will be 20 years for us in 2015. RAW has been dry since Feb '14.
Learning to live with the waves of frustration and remembering that feelings aren't facts & they pass has been challenging and rewarding.
Will be 20 years for us in 2015. RAW has been dry since Feb '14.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by dandylion
Todzilla....you have read "Co-dependent No More", right? (I can't remember).
If, by chance, you haven't...I highly suggest you give it a read. It is practically considered a classic in these parts.
dandylion
If, by chance, you haven't...I highly suggest you give it a read. It is practically considered a classic in these parts.
dandylion
Originally Posted by dandylion
p.s.--why in the world would you struggle to get over making music in your studio? Especially, only a few hrs. a week?
But also because it's hard to make music with my mind so full of distracting thoughts. Even that reason is stupid, because, I need to do it anyway and have music become the distracting thought.
In the winter, I turn the heat on in the studio in advance of using it, so it requires a bit of pre-planning. Maybe I will suck it up and heat it during the winter, just so it's available when I need the distraction.
Originally Posted by schnappi99
The "next right thing" as taught to me amounts to being mindful of self-care; ie whatever is the next thing you can do to take care of yourself. I've heard it shared in meetings in some cases its as obvious as remembering to eat, or to take a shower.. for me it takes the form of not indulging in my own fears & insecurities on various issues, exercising, getting some shop time even if its just an hour or so, going to meetings.
Learning to live with the waves of frustration and remembering that feelings aren't facts & they pass has been challenging and rewarding.
Will be 20 years for us in 2015. RAW has been dry since Feb '14.
Learning to live with the waves of frustration and remembering that feelings aren't facts & they pass has been challenging and rewarding.
Will be 20 years for us in 2015. RAW has been dry since Feb '14.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
tz, you might consider trying out some Alanon meetings- they've been a lifesaver for me; learning how to live with raw and not make things worse by my frustration etc. I didn't know what detaching was before I started going to meetings, my response was just to engage more till the house was an emotional war zone.
I've been Buddhist for getting on 30 years, at first I wondered a lot about how the 12-Step higher power stuff would relate or conflict- I've not found a contradiction yet. Sometimes one supports the other, sometimes the other way around... sometimes its just one or the other. Many have found their concept of higher power is transformed thru working the 12 steps, I think mine has become a lot more nuanced, I think I'm doing it better nowadays.
Glad your RAW is dry & 9 years is an achievement. As uncomfortable as the situation is, active drinking is far worse. When I think back to last year at this time I've nothing to complain about.
I am often tempted by the "is this all there is?" sort of question.. its a dead end for me. I get some of my emotional needs met wrt conversation; fears, desires etc via friends in program. I've found it helpful to get to know a handful of people in program and talk to them often; some newbies some old-timers. Have to be very careful to stay on-program when relating to the opposite sex.
I've been Buddhist for getting on 30 years, at first I wondered a lot about how the 12-Step higher power stuff would relate or conflict- I've not found a contradiction yet. Sometimes one supports the other, sometimes the other way around... sometimes its just one or the other. Many have found their concept of higher power is transformed thru working the 12 steps, I think mine has become a lot more nuanced, I think I'm doing it better nowadays.
Glad your RAW is dry & 9 years is an achievement. As uncomfortable as the situation is, active drinking is far worse. When I think back to last year at this time I've nothing to complain about.
I am often tempted by the "is this all there is?" sort of question.. its a dead end for me. I get some of my emotional needs met wrt conversation; fears, desires etc via friends in program. I've found it helpful to get to know a handful of people in program and talk to them often; some newbies some old-timers. Have to be very careful to stay on-program when relating to the opposite sex.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Todzilla....I am not a musician, myself (just a music lover). What I do know about musicians is that music is like a part of their soul. That it is a part of their inner core--the part of their existence deep inside--where the noise of the outside world and the ego struggles don't reach.
When we live with connection to our inner self....that is when we thrive. Without that, we merely exist.
You could plant a tree that is indigenous to an area and plant it near the ocean--close enough that the wind pounds on it day after day. That tree will live...it will exist..but, it will be dwarfed in size and the branches will be twisted and the leaves will have a different texture. But it will exist.
Give that tree favorable and nurturing conditions and it thrives!!
I suggest that you need the nurturing of your music. Don't you want to thrive?...not just "adapt" in order to just exist?
May I ask...are you a song writer? If so, you have a wealth of material to work with, right now. Perhaps putting it to prose and music would be very therapeutic, right now.
Taylor Swift has done a good job of this....wink, wink....
dandylion
When we live with connection to our inner self....that is when we thrive. Without that, we merely exist.
You could plant a tree that is indigenous to an area and plant it near the ocean--close enough that the wind pounds on it day after day. That tree will live...it will exist..but, it will be dwarfed in size and the branches will be twisted and the leaves will have a different texture. But it will exist.
Give that tree favorable and nurturing conditions and it thrives!!
I suggest that you need the nurturing of your music. Don't you want to thrive?...not just "adapt" in order to just exist?
May I ask...are you a song writer? If so, you have a wealth of material to work with, right now. Perhaps putting it to prose and music would be very therapeutic, right now.
Taylor Swift has done a good job of this....wink, wink....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by schnappi99
tz, you might consider trying out some Alanon meetings- they've been a lifesaver for me; learning how to live with raw and not make things worse by my frustration etc. I didn't know what detaching was before I started going to meetings, my response was just to engage more till the house was an emotional war zone.
I've been Buddhist for getting on 30 years, at first I wondered a lot about how the 12-Step higher power stuff would relate or conflict- I've not found a contradiction yet. Sometimes one supports the other, sometimes the other way around... sometimes its just one or the other. Many have found their concept of higher power is transformed thru working the 12 steps, I think mine has become a lot more nuanced, I think I'm doing it better nowadays.
Glad your RAW is dry & 9 years is an achievement. As uncomfortable as the situation is, active drinking is far worse. When I think back to last year at this time I've nothing to complain about.
I am often tempted by the "is this all there is?" sort of question.. its a dead end for me. I get some of my emotional needs met wrt conversation; fears, desires etc via friends in program. I've found it helpful to get to know a handful of people in program and talk to them often; some newbies some old-timers. Have to be very careful to stay on-program when relating to the opposite sex.
I've been Buddhist for getting on 30 years, at first I wondered a lot about how the 12-Step higher power stuff would relate or conflict- I've not found a contradiction yet. Sometimes one supports the other, sometimes the other way around... sometimes its just one or the other. Many have found their concept of higher power is transformed thru working the 12 steps, I think mine has become a lot more nuanced, I think I'm doing it better nowadays.
Glad your RAW is dry & 9 years is an achievement. As uncomfortable as the situation is, active drinking is far worse. When I think back to last year at this time I've nothing to complain about.
I am often tempted by the "is this all there is?" sort of question.. its a dead end for me. I get some of my emotional needs met wrt conversation; fears, desires etc via friends in program. I've found it helpful to get to know a handful of people in program and talk to them often; some newbies some old-timers. Have to be very careful to stay on-program when relating to the opposite sex.
Buddhism has been very helpful for me as well. Pema Chodron's talks on how to deal with "Shenpa" have been very helpful in dealing with anger. It also seems to dovetail on lots of the Al Anon literature well.
Originally Posted by dandylion
Todzilla....I am not a musician, myself (just a music lover). What I do know about musicians is that music is like a part of their soul. That it is a part of their inner core--the part of their existence deep inside--where the noise of the outside world and the ego struggles don't reach.
When we live with connection to our inner self....that is when we thrive. Without that, we merely exist.
You could plant a tree that is indigenous to an area and plant it near the ocean--close enough that the wind pounds on it day after day. That tree will live...it will exist..but, it will be dwarfed in size and the branches will be twisted and the leaves will have a different texture. But it will exist.
Give that tree favorable and nurturing conditions and it thrives!!
I suggest that you need the nurturing of your music. Don't you want to thrive?...not just "adapt" in order to just exist?
May I ask...are you a song writer? If so, you have a wealth of material to work with, right now. Perhaps putting it to prose and music would be very therapeutic, right now.
Taylor Swift has done a good job of this....wink, wink....
dandylion
When we live with connection to our inner self....that is when we thrive. Without that, we merely exist.
You could plant a tree that is indigenous to an area and plant it near the ocean--close enough that the wind pounds on it day after day. That tree will live...it will exist..but, it will be dwarfed in size and the branches will be twisted and the leaves will have a different texture. But it will exist.
Give that tree favorable and nurturing conditions and it thrives!!
I suggest that you need the nurturing of your music. Don't you want to thrive?...not just "adapt" in order to just exist?
May I ask...are you a song writer? If so, you have a wealth of material to work with, right now. Perhaps putting it to prose and music would be very therapeutic, right now.
Taylor Swift has done a good job of this....wink, wink....
dandylion
Consequently, she openly speaks ill of my music, which she used to love. I've gotten critical acclaim and sold records in the US, Europe and Japan (pre-internet), all as a side hobby. Now she says hurtful things like "I'm sorry, I wish I liked your music!" which, of course, she sees as compassionate and not at all passive aggressive.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
There are a fair # of men in the alanon meetings around here but a distinct minority. Its funny how similar we all are though. I don't think I've ever been to a meeting where I've not been heard something useful. I went to 3 or so different meetings till I found the one I was most comfortable with. I try to make 2 meetings a week, it took 3-4 months to start getting the message, at that point I found a sponsor and started the step work. I've been chipping away at the step 4 work for a while now. It seems like its part retrospective work and part what daily life brings. Much of it has been family-of-origin work, trying to understand myself if I'm to try to understand others etc.
I kept a short list of people I who said things I liked, just listened to the stuff they said for a while.. then chose. I heard it said in an AA meeting that as a man asking another to be your sponsor is kind of like asking him to be your valentine.. lol it kind of is. The way he and I seem to work is he occasionally makes suggestions (journalling, go to a few AA meetings). I talk to him a once/twice a week, let him know what I'm up to in step 4. Much of the what he's given me is thru his example and shares in meetings. I'll likely do my step 5 with him at some point once its in good enough shape.
I'm in one of the NIcherin sects- its the basis for the meditation work, I go to study meetings occasionally. For some reason it took the 12-step work to really get at perceiving and handling my own emotional state, clearly Buddhism had been trying to teach me stuff all along but I wasn't hearing it very well.
Oh man those kinds of comments cut to the bone. I've had a few as well.. and often blame for her emotional state. Nowadays mine talks pretty much only about superficial topics with me... schedule, plans, whats on TV, etc.. she'll get instantly derisive when making fun of some foible of mine.. its like a switch gets flipped on; from detached to digging at something I did, then back to detached when the laugh is over. Better at letting that go now.. sometimes I wonder what others think when she does that, but no more drama from me if I can avoid it. I'm trying to be careful to be supportive and thoughtful for the stuff she's into- mosaics, gardening. Do the stuff like figure out how to hang the thing, make the shelves, put it together etc.. its not much but she doesn't show interest in more.
Alanon doesn't promise a fix but it does promise different... so far for me different has been becoming far more comfortable in my own skin and with others then I've ever been in my life.. which is progress.
I kept a short list of people I who said things I liked, just listened to the stuff they said for a while.. then chose. I heard it said in an AA meeting that as a man asking another to be your sponsor is kind of like asking him to be your valentine.. lol it kind of is. The way he and I seem to work is he occasionally makes suggestions (journalling, go to a few AA meetings). I talk to him a once/twice a week, let him know what I'm up to in step 4. Much of the what he's given me is thru his example and shares in meetings. I'll likely do my step 5 with him at some point once its in good enough shape.
I'm in one of the NIcherin sects- its the basis for the meditation work, I go to study meetings occasionally. For some reason it took the 12-step work to really get at perceiving and handling my own emotional state, clearly Buddhism had been trying to teach me stuff all along but I wasn't hearing it very well.
Oh man those kinds of comments cut to the bone. I've had a few as well.. and often blame for her emotional state. Nowadays mine talks pretty much only about superficial topics with me... schedule, plans, whats on TV, etc.. she'll get instantly derisive when making fun of some foible of mine.. its like a switch gets flipped on; from detached to digging at something I did, then back to detached when the laugh is over. Better at letting that go now.. sometimes I wonder what others think when she does that, but no more drama from me if I can avoid it. I'm trying to be careful to be supportive and thoughtful for the stuff she's into- mosaics, gardening. Do the stuff like figure out how to hang the thing, make the shelves, put it together etc.. its not much but she doesn't show interest in more.
Alanon doesn't promise a fix but it does promise different... so far for me different has been becoming far more comfortable in my own skin and with others then I've ever been in my life.. which is progress.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 39
Hi folks. I've now been to seven different meetings among 4 different groups. I think I've found a good home group and will work on getting a sponsor.
My "qualifier" is becoming increasingly resentful and suspicious about my Al Anon work. She's losing it more and more. Tonight she got in a huge fight with our teenage daughter, who tells me she can't deal with her mother's unpredictability. I try to be supportive, but I have to be very careful. The teen would never consider al ateen.
My wife told me after the blow up "I'm done. You need to be the primary parent now." I've already raised two kids who are very successful, so I know I can handle it all, but it's becoming really tragic that my wife is falling apart and there's seemingly nothing I can do but observe and clean up the mess with our daughter.
My "qualifier" is becoming increasingly resentful and suspicious about my Al Anon work. She's losing it more and more. Tonight she got in a huge fight with our teenage daughter, who tells me she can't deal with her mother's unpredictability. I try to be supportive, but I have to be very careful. The teen would never consider al ateen.
My wife told me after the blow up "I'm done. You need to be the primary parent now." I've already raised two kids who are very successful, so I know I can handle it all, but it's becoming really tragic that my wife is falling apart and there's seemingly nothing I can do but observe and clean up the mess with our daughter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 39
Hi folks. I've now been to seven different meetings among 4 different groups. I think I've found a good home group and will work on getting a sponsor.
My "qualifier" is becoming increasingly resentful and suspicious about my Al Anon work. She's losing it more and more. Tonight she got in a huge fight with our teenage daughter, who tells me she can't deal with her mother's unpredictability. I try to be supportive, but I have to be very careful. The teen would never consider al ateen.
My wife told me after the blow up "I'm done. You need to be the primary parent now." I've already raised two kids who are very successful, so I know I can handle it all, but it's becoming really tragic that my wife is falling apart and there's seemingly nothing I can do but observe and clean up the mess with our daughter.
My "qualifier" is becoming increasingly resentful and suspicious about my Al Anon work. She's losing it more and more. Tonight she got in a huge fight with our teenage daughter, who tells me she can't deal with her mother's unpredictability. I try to be supportive, but I have to be very careful. The teen would never consider al ateen.
My wife told me after the blow up "I'm done. You need to be the primary parent now." I've already raised two kids who are very successful, so I know I can handle it all, but it's becoming really tragic that my wife is falling apart and there's seemingly nothing I can do but observe and clean up the mess with our daughter.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
