Waterwaver

Not sure where I'm going with this but any advice would be appreciated...I stopped drinking in July and 3 months later realised that alcohol was the only thing holding myself and my husband together and through sober eyes I realised I had been dulling the voices in my head.
I think deep down I tried to be on the same page as my husband with his drinking and over the 18 years I have tried to change him, realised I couldn't so tried to match him, that didn't work, so while I'm sober I've let go of the reins and he is doing exactly what I have been trying to prevent for years. So for financial reasons we are still living in the same house and because of our children. I told him that when he drinks he is to stay away, the only night in the last week he has been here is Christmas Eve. It's so sad for the children as I know they would like him around more but he is slipping away - I know I ended it and he is hurting but I hate the choices he is making now!

Eauchiche

Dear Waterwaver
Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I used to drink with my partner in the hopes that he would eventually get sober....
We separated in March this year, and I have not had a drop since.
If you can attend AlAnon in your area, you will find that it helps immensely. Please keep coming back among us. You will find a lot of good support here.

Waterwaver

Eauchiche thank you for your reply.. Since we have separated and living together I can see he has been trying to not drink as much but I never expected him to get to this point so quickly...I'm surprised he has stayed away so much, I really thought his kids meant more. I haven't had a drop since July and things are so much clearer for me. I thought it would be hard over Xmas but surprisingly it hasn't. I know when I separated I told him he could share the house but if this way of his drinking and staying away then I can't see this arrangement working.. And maybe be easier for us on our own. Which is very scary .

Seren

Hello Waterwaver, and Welcome!

Congratulations on your, what, 5 months of sobriety!!! That is something to celebrate

I'm sorry to hear that your husband continues to drink, and you are right....you have no more control over his drinking than anyone did over yours, but you can keep him from being drunk in front of your children--brava!!!!

I hope you will keep making positive choices for yourself and your precious kiddos. Perhaps, maybe, someday your husband will want those same positive changes in his life.

Waterwaver

YES, 5 months off I'm sooooo delighted for myself and my children
What a new world there is! And so glad im the other side of Xmas too, wanted the first one out of the way!

FeelingGreat

Congratulations on your sobriety. It's lovely to hear from people who like being sober because often it's seen as a huge sacrifice. If you can get through the first bit so many good things are waiting. I remember my parents drinking too much at Christmas and it sort of killed it for me.

I just spent my third sober Christmas, and I've never enjoyed it more.

NWGRITS

Children do not need exposure to an actively drinking A, so keeping him away is best. Even if they aren't seeing him drunk, it still effects them more than you know. Kids are always more perceptive than adults give them credit for. Counseling and Al-Anon would benefit all of you. The kids especially need a neutral third party they can trust to help them sort out the chaos that comes with having an alcoholic parent.

The only person who is important to the A is himself. If a wife or kids were enough to make someone stop drinking, very few of us would be here. Nothing can get in the way of an addict and their drug of choice. They will eliminate obstacles in their path, and it doesn't matter if said obstacles are wives or children. The A's love is the drink.

killerinstinct

Been there done that with the ex, the minute I stopped enabling him by drinking to compete to show how much I loved him he was out the door and never came back.. Except when he was lonely/bored. You've done the right thing for your children.. Your poor children would have suffered even more so it's sounds as though it's for the best.

NYCDoglvr

My dear, I am so sorry this is such a sad Christmas but congratulate you on staying sober through it all. It's a huge accomplishment. What you're going through is very common...when one person gets sober the dynamic of the relationship is altered dramatically. And, you're seeing the world, and your relationship, from a very different perspective. A big hug.

Waterwaver

Now I don't know what to do... ?!? I did tell him to stay away when drinking - but he has taken it now to extreme, and we only saw him on Xmas eve and day for a few hours..
I know he is hurting too, his whole life turned upside down in the last few months.. He's not the one who has done anything I'm the one who has changed..
I don't know wether to text him angrily and say has he forgotten he has kids or just to let him know that the kids are still here and would like to see their dad..or do nothing... They are constantly asking me and I'm telling them he is working or else drinking, they know that when he drinks he sleeps at their grandmas house, his mum!
What to do!!!????

maia1234

I say quicker the sicker.

He sees how well you are doing not drinking. He chooses to continue as he needs that alcohol, like he need oxygen. There is nothing you can do. Take care of you and the kids.

If he leaves and gets sober good for you..
If he leaves and doesn't get sober good for you.

Take are of you.