Nice Christmas, miracles of recovery
A work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Nice Christmas, miracles of recovery
This isn't exactly "news"--my Christmases for the last several years have been wonderful.
My first husband will celebrate 35 years of sobriety on January 11. Since our divorce and his move to Colorado (with the kids--I moved out there for a year and a half till I left after my second husband's return to drinking), I have come out to Colorado almost every year for Christmas. I have the world's most amicable divorce--I stay with my ex and his wife when I come out here. Up until this year, at least one of the kids was still living at home. My oldest just got an apartment with his g/f a couple of weeks before I came out. So this year, though the kids have been over on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and after work, I've been just hanging out here with the ex and his wife.
None of this would have been possible without recovery for both of us. We are both considerate of each other, any minor difficulties ironed out like adults. I have the basement to myself, so I don't intrude too much into their activities. I will take everyone out to dinner before I leave as a thank-you. The kids and I will drive down to Colorado Springs on Sunday to see my aunt and my brother and my best friend from high school.
I consider myself very, very fortunate. My family I had with my kids has never felt "broken"--it's different, but because we have all cooperated, that connection was never broken. My ex is still probably my closest friend. We still talk about things that we are concerned about--finances, work, issues with our houses, etc. And he has been a huge supporter of my recovery in AA, as I have been of his.
Just counting my blessings today...
My first husband will celebrate 35 years of sobriety on January 11. Since our divorce and his move to Colorado (with the kids--I moved out there for a year and a half till I left after my second husband's return to drinking), I have come out to Colorado almost every year for Christmas. I have the world's most amicable divorce--I stay with my ex and his wife when I come out here. Up until this year, at least one of the kids was still living at home. My oldest just got an apartment with his g/f a couple of weeks before I came out. So this year, though the kids have been over on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and after work, I've been just hanging out here with the ex and his wife.
None of this would have been possible without recovery for both of us. We are both considerate of each other, any minor difficulties ironed out like adults. I have the basement to myself, so I don't intrude too much into their activities. I will take everyone out to dinner before I leave as a thank-you. The kids and I will drive down to Colorado Springs on Sunday to see my aunt and my brother and my best friend from high school.
I consider myself very, very fortunate. My family I had with my kids has never felt "broken"--it's different, but because we have all cooperated, that connection was never broken. My ex is still probably my closest friend. We still talk about things that we are concerned about--finances, work, issues with our houses, etc. And he has been a huge supporter of my recovery in AA, as I have been of his.
Just counting my blessings today...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
So glad to hear that Lexicat! It makes things so much easier on everyone, especially the kids.
My ex-husband has been in serious recovery for a few years now and we truly get along great. He spent Christmas Eve and Christmas with us (my family) and my daughter was the happiest kid on earth to have all of us together. Although we went through some very rough times and the divorce process wasn't fun, he's always been respectful of my family and me. We work together for our little one and I'm so very grateful for that. Hadn't always been like that, it was definitely a process to get here, but I'm so happy we did.
Although he'd like to try to work things out, I don't feel I ever could go back there again. It crossed my mind while my recent ex and I were breaking up, but I realized (thankfully, for once!) that it was just my terrible fear of being abandoned and the initial loneliness and hurt that had me thinking that way. I got past it and at this point, I'm truly enjoying being single and having him as a good friend/co-parent. As a matter of fact, I'll be having dinner at his house tomorrow night with him, our daughter (he has her the week after Christmas) and our dog, lol. I kept the dog, but I often take her there to visit when I go. I think she took our divorce as hard as the rest of us did and she really enjoys visiting dad too! Not to mention that my daughter LOVES having her fur sister play with her at her daddy's house.
The guilt of raising our daughter apart also had me considering getting back together, but I realized that what really matters to her is him and I having a great relationship, whether we're together or not. He and I get along 1000x's better as friends/co-parents than we did at the end of our relationship.
Not the conventional way, but it works for us.
My ex-husband has been in serious recovery for a few years now and we truly get along great. He spent Christmas Eve and Christmas with us (my family) and my daughter was the happiest kid on earth to have all of us together. Although we went through some very rough times and the divorce process wasn't fun, he's always been respectful of my family and me. We work together for our little one and I'm so very grateful for that. Hadn't always been like that, it was definitely a process to get here, but I'm so happy we did.
Although he'd like to try to work things out, I don't feel I ever could go back there again. It crossed my mind while my recent ex and I were breaking up, but I realized (thankfully, for once!) that it was just my terrible fear of being abandoned and the initial loneliness and hurt that had me thinking that way. I got past it and at this point, I'm truly enjoying being single and having him as a good friend/co-parent. As a matter of fact, I'll be having dinner at his house tomorrow night with him, our daughter (he has her the week after Christmas) and our dog, lol. I kept the dog, but I often take her there to visit when I go. I think she took our divorce as hard as the rest of us did and she really enjoys visiting dad too! Not to mention that my daughter LOVES having her fur sister play with her at her daddy's house.
The guilt of raising our daughter apart also had me considering getting back together, but I realized that what really matters to her is him and I having a great relationship, whether we're together or not. He and I get along 1000x's better as friends/co-parents than we did at the end of our relationship.
Not the conventional way, but it works for us.
A work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I hear ya, Flipped. I can truly say that I love my ex as a friend and as a co-parent. I never have thoughts of being "back together" with him--I think we do much better this way. I also think his wife is an amazing woman--many would not be so understanding.
As it is, it's like we have a sort of extended family that I feel a valued part of. Is it "better" for kids to be in an "intact" family with their mom & dad? Maybe, but I'm not totally convinced. In our case, I think my kids turned out pretty great, and they have never expressed any resentment (though they did later tell me it was kind of confusing for them why we divorced because we never had "fights"). Neither one of us (my ex and I) were much into fighting, and I was the one who wanted out of the marriage. Not because I didn't care for him, but the marriage just wasn't a satisfying situation for me. And that is probably much more due to my personality than anything he ever did/didn't do.
But yes, your daughter is a lucky girl and the fact that you can cooperate with her dad will pay big-time bonuses down the road for her as she grows up.
As it is, it's like we have a sort of extended family that I feel a valued part of. Is it "better" for kids to be in an "intact" family with their mom & dad? Maybe, but I'm not totally convinced. In our case, I think my kids turned out pretty great, and they have never expressed any resentment (though they did later tell me it was kind of confusing for them why we divorced because we never had "fights"). Neither one of us (my ex and I) were much into fighting, and I was the one who wanted out of the marriage. Not because I didn't care for him, but the marriage just wasn't a satisfying situation for me. And that is probably much more due to my personality than anything he ever did/didn't do.
But yes, your daughter is a lucky girl and the fact that you can cooperate with her dad will pay big-time bonuses down the road for her as she grows up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
So glad you had a good holiday! My parents never got divorced but have lived separately for 20 years. They are best friends and still spend a lot of time together. I think it's wonderful when people who have a true connection can keep it and not just be civil, but loving toward one another.
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