MsGrace

My grown son is a delight to me,....home for Christmas. He's been pretty successful in life....great relationships, high paying career, and a good human being all the way around.

My concern: since he's been here, he has had at least 3-5 beers a day and at least 2-3 cocktails. It's every day. His dad is a high functioning alcoholic and I was married to a second one....so I'm still working on my damage.

I'm tempted to ask him if he drinks like that in his daily life...but not sure if that is the right thing to do. Of course it worries me. I'm not sure asking him about it is counter productive or not. I have this urge to express my concern about it.

Wise ones...what is the right thing to do? Is saying anything wise or should I just be quiet? Thanks in advance

MissFixit

Hi, Ms Grace.

I can understand your concern for your son especially after 2 alcoholic husbands. Have you ever attended an al anon meeting? I assume you are somewhat familiar with al anon or at least some of the concepts given your experience with alcoholics and concern for your son.

The 3 c's of alanon are:

you didn't cause it.
you cannot control it.
you cannot cure it.

There are several variables about talking to your son or anyone about their alcohol consumption. What good will it do? How close are you? Do you think you are alerting them to something they do not already know? Is their life being affected negatively by alcohol? Is your life affected negatively by their alcohol consumption?

dandylion

MsGrace....you are a mother...and, in my opinion, have every right to express y our concern over his welfare. This is part of being a mother. Now--he will do with this what he will....but, you have every right to share your concern with him.

Now, as a mother--I keep my mouth shut on the routine details of how they (my adult children) run their lives. I have learned that that is the only way to go...LOL!
HOWEVER, on the really big, life impacting stuff where their wefare is at stake----a different story. This list includes, but is not limited to: criminal activities, joining a religious cult, risky and careless sexual behaviors, moral decadence, addictions, and eating with your mouth open.

I realize that many will vigorously disagree with me on this. But, at least he will know that you care and are concerned and that he can talk to you--that it doesn't have to remain the elephant in the room. You can't control him, of course, but as a m other--you sure as hell can talk to him.

My 2 cents....

dandylion

Thumper

I'm not one of the wise one's on this topic, lol, so take my comments for what they are worth and that is not much. I do understand your worry as a mom though.

I personally wouldn't ask him anything. I do think it is OK to say, one time, something to the affect that his dad was an alcoholic and the family legacy with that yada yada (does he already know that?) and that as a mom you want him to be careful with the drinking. It can sneak up on a person, etc.

My kids are young yet but alcoholism is one of my biggest fears for their future. It overwhelms me if I think about it to much. Sending you a gentle hug.

LexieCat

I have two sons with my recovered alcoholic (almost 34 years sober) ex-husband, was briefly married to another alcoholic, and am now six years sober, myself. One of them I don't worry about, but the other drinks/parties more than I'm totally comfortable with. If I had to bet money as to which of the two will wind up with an alcohol problem, it's him.

If he were visiting me and I observed him drinking that way, I would probably just state my observations and express my concern, telling him a little bit of what I know about alcoholism and how it progresses. And, of course, letting him know that if he ever felt that he wanted or needed help to deal with it, I'd be glad to help in any way that I could. And then I'd probably let it go.

He probably sees nothing wrong with drinking the way he is, and it may be that this is totally a vacation-type drinking pattern that isn't indicative of alcoholic drinking. IOW, there may be nothing at all to be concerned about.

FlippedRHalo

If it helps at all, I also drink when I go home to visit my family around the holidays and I'm the person that basically NEVER drinks at any other time of the year. If I consume 2 drinks the rest of the year, that would be considered a lot.

I only have 2-3 cocktails, but that's big and very out of the norm for me. I have zero tolerance for alcohol and 2 cocktails literally get me pretty darn tipsy. 3, I'm pretty drunk.

If someone wasn't around me often and didn't know me very well, they could potentially look at it like I was drinking too much, but the holidays at home are the only time I do that. That's my one time of year that I get to just relax while enjoying my family and have a few of
my step mother's homemade Baileys with my brothers and sister.

I would bring it up in a non-confrontational way and just ask him gently. He could be doing just what I do - enjoying the holiday season at home with family and having a few extra celebratory drinks.

maia1234

From the time my children were little they new that they had their Dad's DNA and chances were very good that they could have a drinking problem. Both of my daughters have chosen not to drink. My DD22 asked me 2 months ago how i could drink beer, as she can't stand the smell of it because she smelled it on her fathers breath her whole life.

Discussing my issues with my XH drinking never amounted to anything. But your child is different. If I said anything, I would say it once and never again. I would bring up the DNA and history of alcoholism in the family. I would discuss that alcoholics are allergic to alcohol and they were born that way. They act differently under the influence and they can not stop like a non alcoholic. Do not point any fingers just letting him know that odds are against him against this disease. That you are sorry that the kids get the bad and good of the genes.

I would not say "i noticed" or ask how much he drinks as it is really non of your business. Explain that it has caused a lot of heart ache in your life and would not wish it on anyone. Leave it at that, as generic as possible and tell him that you love him.
Sorry this horrible disease keeps hitting generation after generation.

WMJ1012

Hi Ms Grace

If your son already has alcoholic thinking (or drinking), he's already got it.
Once we have it we cannot grow new legs.

This is an opportunity to work my real Alanon program which is to interfere, my my own business, be loving and supportive and taking care of myself without taking care of others. I do this by attending Alanon and working the steps.

The only thing I can do for the (other) alcoholics in my life is pray for them. There is a lot of power in that.

Also just for the record, it turns out I am blessed to be an alcoholic.
Sure I had to go through a lot of pain but it brought me to God and a way of living I could never have imagined. Material & romance means nothing to me now.

DavinaD

"Now, as a mother--I keep my mouth shut on the routine details of how they (my adult children) run their lives. I have learned that that is the only way to go...LOL! HOWEVER, on the really big, life impacting stuff where their wefare is at stake----a different story. This list includes, but is not limited to: criminal activities, joining a religious cult, risky and careless sexual behaviors, moral decadence, addictions, and eating with your mouth open. "
Dandylion this made me laugh- love that eating with their mouths open is right up there with joining a cult! You are all panicking me now- is alcoholism genetic?! I thought it was a learned behaviour. I have a 7yo girl - should I be drumming it into her that drinking is bad? I thought I was giving her a good chance by splitting with my plonky ex :-( MsGrace- I agree that he might just be having a few drinks whilst on holiday, but it can't hurt if you ask him gently about it, hopefully his answer will stop you worrying!

heres2hope

I actually think that you would not be in the wrong to ask him about it.

I do come from a very in your face family, whereas my AH's family don't talk at all. I really think that if his parents were more upfront about their concerns then maybe he wouldn't be where he is now...strike that. I don't know that for sure, but I do know that our childhoods were very, very different. His parents were more laissez-faire (not as a child, I'm sure, but as a teenager and young adult)- they didn't question his choices, gave him a lot of freedom- no curfew, didn't bring up concerns. I know that there's more to it than that. His father may have been emotionally abusive. I can't get much of a story out of my husband about his childhood, but I do know that whenever we talk about our childhoods, alcohol is heavily involved in his family gatherings/vacations.

My family was the complete opposite. If I did something that they did not agree with or when they thought I was making a mistake, they let me know! I never doubted that I was loved. So I think it would completely be ok for you to ask him about his drinking habits.

I do agree that bringing it up and talking about how it runs in the family is a great way to introduce the topic.

NWGRITS

Yes, alcoholism runs in families. It's a bit of nature and nurture both. The predisposition to drink is in the children of alcoholics. Whether or not it develops into anything - well, that's a crapshoot. I'm not an alcoholic, though I started down that road in my early 20s. Life happened and I put it down because my unborn baby meant more to me than washing away my woes. My sister would likely go the other way given the same circumstances (and she definitely takes after our AM, whereas I don't). I had an alcoholic brother who died homeless on the streets this time last year. My other two brothers are not drinkers, as far as I know. All we can do is our best to guide them on the straight path, but ultimately we have no control over whether or not they become alcoholics themselves.

shil2587

The jury is still out on.that one. However, there is some eevidence to suggest that alcholism can be partly genetic in how the body metabolises alcohol.differently to other people. If my partner and I have children we do intend to teach them from an early age about alcoholism and that it's something they need to be careful about.

Obviously, just because someone has a predisposition doesn't mean they are doomed. A good environment goes a long way, but education and advance warning doesn't hurt either.

FlippedRHalo

My cousins and I grew up surrounded by alcoholics. Both of my parents were, one of each of their parents were, our grandparents were, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins and right on down the line.

Here's the odd thing -

Myself and my two female cousins have no alcohol, drug or addiction issues. One of them and myself did have eating disorders when we were teens, but were able to pull through it when we both first became pregnant. It's still a struggle, but after being sick during my pregnancies, I don't ever want to vomit again for the rest of my life!

My 3 male cousins - all alcoholics and two of the three became drug addicts, eventually progressing to heroin, which took the life of my oldest male cousin. The cousin that is also a heroin addict is the brother of one of my female cousins above. Same household, alcoholic father... female cousin is happily married and has been since she was 22, no addictive behaviors. Male is divorced, addicted and constantly struggling in life.

Not sure what that means exactly, or if it means anything at all, but it always strikes me as odd. As heavy as alcoholism and addiction runs in our family, it amazes me that some of us went that road and some of us went the opposite way and rarely will touch a drink.