Concerned husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1
Concerned husband
I'm new here and it would be great to receive some advice or words of wisdom from those with experience. I'm very concerned about my wife. She is a binge drinker who drinks to the boundary of alcoholic poisoning. This used to be a fairly regular occurrence perhaps once a month or more but these days it's stretched to perhaps 3 months. In fairness to her she's done well to do it less it frequently. She is 45 and drinks regularly perhaps two beers a day. Sometimes she will drink more, even while alone in the house. In social situations, she drinks to the point of collapse. She loses motor skills and can not talk. She becomes belligerent and causes all kinds of chaos. On one occasion she collapsed and knocked her head at the pub. I had to wake up my kids and drive there, a fire engine, ambulance and police were outside, not something I wanted my kids to see. She is reckless, has driven home drunk even though she can't walk. I've had the police knock on my door because she didn't pay the bill at a pub she went to. She is impossible to reason with in this state. She wants to sleep with our kids which is impossible given her state, reeking of booze and cigarettes and no motor function. The last occurrence was the night before Christmas eve. I heard her moaning outside, she had collapse outside our door, she couldn't stand. She rarely remembers anything the next day.
This has been a constant source of anxiety for me. I'm a non-drinker although I enjoy the occasional beer. I've talked to her and I've come to realization that she actually believes this is normal behavior. People go out on the weekend and get loaded. That is true for many, mostly younger people, but I'm inclined to say mature adults have more control and know where their limits are. What I'm concerned about is the damage she's doing to herself, I've read as you get older the damage it does to your liver and brain is intensified. I have noticed that she has a poor memory (this of course is a correlation and I'm not saying for sure that alcohol is the reason for this).
From my own point of view, I have constant anxiety. Mostly about the welfare of our kids. Firstly, I don't want them to grow up seeing their mother in such a state and perhaps embroiled in whatever reckless behavior she has done. (I came home once and the kitchen was almost on fire as she left something in the oven and she was incapable of knowing what's going on). I'm very scared and hurt. Our marriage has failed as a result of this and other things. She has turned it on me to say that I'm boring and that she is only human and I'm too hard on her. She claims I'm against people having fun which is false. I think she has a problem and she doesn't acknowledge it. The only times she does is when she's suffering hangover's remorse. But as time goes by and her memories of previous episodes dwindles, inevitably it happens again.
We are separating, but my biggest fear is how she will be once I'm not living with her anymore. We plan to be amicable and civil and try and keep a friendship so we can work together to bring up our kids. But I'm scared that for her being on her own she could break out, lose control while with the kids
I'm wondering if anyone has had similar issues and any advice they can share. I'm having a very rough time with this.
This has been a constant source of anxiety for me. I'm a non-drinker although I enjoy the occasional beer. I've talked to her and I've come to realization that she actually believes this is normal behavior. People go out on the weekend and get loaded. That is true for many, mostly younger people, but I'm inclined to say mature adults have more control and know where their limits are. What I'm concerned about is the damage she's doing to herself, I've read as you get older the damage it does to your liver and brain is intensified. I have noticed that she has a poor memory (this of course is a correlation and I'm not saying for sure that alcohol is the reason for this).
From my own point of view, I have constant anxiety. Mostly about the welfare of our kids. Firstly, I don't want them to grow up seeing their mother in such a state and perhaps embroiled in whatever reckless behavior she has done. (I came home once and the kitchen was almost on fire as she left something in the oven and she was incapable of knowing what's going on). I'm very scared and hurt. Our marriage has failed as a result of this and other things. She has turned it on me to say that I'm boring and that she is only human and I'm too hard on her. She claims I'm against people having fun which is false. I think she has a problem and she doesn't acknowledge it. The only times she does is when she's suffering hangover's remorse. But as time goes by and her memories of previous episodes dwindles, inevitably it happens again.
We are separating, but my biggest fear is how she will be once I'm not living with her anymore. We plan to be amicable and civil and try and keep a friendship so we can work together to bring up our kids. But I'm scared that for her being on her own she could break out, lose control while with the kids
I'm wondering if anyone has had similar issues and any advice they can share. I'm having a very rough time with this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found this site but sorry for the reasons that brought you here.
I am separated from my spouse due to his alcoholism. Being separated, going to al anon and focusing on myself has really decreased my anxiety.
I'm not sure what ages your kids are but it sounds like your wife is not able to care for them. My husband gets falling down drunk and also drives intoxicated. I do not allow him to see the kids unsupervised and he never drives them anywhere.
I hope your situation improves. Alcoholism is horrible for all involved.
I am separated from my spouse due to his alcoholism. Being separated, going to al anon and focusing on myself has really decreased my anxiety.
I'm not sure what ages your kids are but it sounds like your wife is not able to care for them. My husband gets falling down drunk and also drives intoxicated. I do not allow him to see the kids unsupervised and he never drives them anywhere.
I hope your situation improves. Alcoholism is horrible for all involved.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
I wanted to add that I understand your fear of how your wife will do on her own. The tough thing about alcoholism is you can't control it whether you live together or not.
Once we separated my AH did get his life together for a time. Now he is back to drinking. After ending up in the ER for a bad fall he has just made adjustments so he can continue to drink. Now he drinks in bed so he doesn't hurt himself when he passes out.
He knows where to get help so I don't feel as responsible/guilty. My priority is providing a safe, stable environment for our kids.
Once we separated my AH did get his life together for a time. Now he is back to drinking. After ending up in the ER for a bad fall he has just made adjustments so he can continue to drink. Now he drinks in bed so he doesn't hurt himself when he passes out.
He knows where to get help so I don't feel as responsible/guilty. My priority is providing a safe, stable environment for our kids.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hello and welcome to SR.
I'm sorry that you are in this position. I can relate to a lot of what you share. My husband was a lot like that in the first part of our relationship. My marriage didn't survive either - he's an ex husband now. The divorce was a very painful and dark time in my life that came at the end of a very long and painful chapter living with an alcoholic.
Some of the things that helped me the most were reading here at SR (so I encourage you to keep reading and keep posting!), a personal counselor that specialized in addictions, reading the posts in the 'stickies' at the top of this forum, reading a book called Co-Dependent No More, and attending Al-anon meetings and reading their literature. I would encourage you to check those things out to see if they are a good fit.
Your concerns about the children's safety are legitimate and well founded. The last 6mos my husband and I were together I took my kids to daycare when I worked and I retained primary custody when we divorced. I did let them go with him for an overnight and in hindsight I should not have done that. He went off the rails a little bit after our separation and those first few months did a lot of emotional damage to our kids. It was very hard for me to see things clearly in the beginning. That 'fog' lifted as I got more recovery. My 'advice' is to pursue your own recovery with everything you have. That is the path to reducing your anxiety and being the very best parent for your kids. They need you like crazy. They need you to be very centered and that takes work. My recovery, as a concept, was confusing to me at first but if you look into those things I mentioned it will become more clear to you.
OK - one last piece of advice. Visit with an attorney. My ex and I never fought oddly enough. We just didn't argue and fight in our marriage and initially he agreed to be reasonable and blah blah blah. He was an active alcoholic. When it hit home that I was serious he went ballistic and became a person I did not know. It was quite a shock. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best is a good rule of thumb in the case of any separation - but especially so with the unpredictable nature of addiction.
ETA: Regarding the fear of what she does after you separate. That is outside of your control and really - what happens will happen regardless of if you stay or go. FWIW - my ex husband did indeed go off the deep end after our divorce. He was headed there anyway but without me to support him he headed towards his bottom at an alarming rate. Once there he started the climb up and he is sober today. I honestly believe that he'd still be drinking if we would have stayed together because I was a barrier to his bottom. I provided a house, food, and cable TV. He stole from me what he needed to drink or sold stuff. One of my favorite 'rules of thumb' that helps me past the fear (which kept me paralyzed) is to just do the next right thing. You don't have to have all the answers or know the outcome but if you do the next right thing - you'll be alright. It keeps you moving towards a better place.
I'm sorry that you are in this position. I can relate to a lot of what you share. My husband was a lot like that in the first part of our relationship. My marriage didn't survive either - he's an ex husband now. The divorce was a very painful and dark time in my life that came at the end of a very long and painful chapter living with an alcoholic.
Some of the things that helped me the most were reading here at SR (so I encourage you to keep reading and keep posting!), a personal counselor that specialized in addictions, reading the posts in the 'stickies' at the top of this forum, reading a book called Co-Dependent No More, and attending Al-anon meetings and reading their literature. I would encourage you to check those things out to see if they are a good fit.
Your concerns about the children's safety are legitimate and well founded. The last 6mos my husband and I were together I took my kids to daycare when I worked and I retained primary custody when we divorced. I did let them go with him for an overnight and in hindsight I should not have done that. He went off the rails a little bit after our separation and those first few months did a lot of emotional damage to our kids. It was very hard for me to see things clearly in the beginning. That 'fog' lifted as I got more recovery. My 'advice' is to pursue your own recovery with everything you have. That is the path to reducing your anxiety and being the very best parent for your kids. They need you like crazy. They need you to be very centered and that takes work. My recovery, as a concept, was confusing to me at first but if you look into those things I mentioned it will become more clear to you.
OK - one last piece of advice. Visit with an attorney. My ex and I never fought oddly enough. We just didn't argue and fight in our marriage and initially he agreed to be reasonable and blah blah blah. He was an active alcoholic. When it hit home that I was serious he went ballistic and became a person I did not know. It was quite a shock. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best is a good rule of thumb in the case of any separation - but especially so with the unpredictable nature of addiction.
ETA: Regarding the fear of what she does after you separate. That is outside of your control and really - what happens will happen regardless of if you stay or go. FWIW - my ex husband did indeed go off the deep end after our divorce. He was headed there anyway but without me to support him he headed towards his bottom at an alarming rate. Once there he started the climb up and he is sober today. I honestly believe that he'd still be drinking if we would have stayed together because I was a barrier to his bottom. I provided a house, food, and cable TV. He stole from me what he needed to drink or sold stuff. One of my favorite 'rules of thumb' that helps me past the fear (which kept me paralyzed) is to just do the next right thing. You don't have to have all the answers or know the outcome but if you do the next right thing - you'll be alright. It keeps you moving towards a better place.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi and welcome to SR.
I wish I could dig up Hammer's post on priorities, because that's what I'm thinking of when I'm reading your post.
When I left my alcoholic husband, I put all my focus on the kids -- making sure they were safe, giving them cell phones so they could call when they were with him, having them work with a counselor on identifying "unsafe" and "emergency" situations and make and rehearse action plans for what they would do if their dad tried driving drunk with them or fell asleep while the stove was on, etc.
That was a good thing. But I neglected putting focus on myself and dealing with my own anxiety, stress, pain.
Those two things should be your priorities: You and the kids. Do the children at all need to be with a person who gets falling-down drunk on a regular basis? Would you leave your children with a childcare facility where the staff might be passed out when you came at pickup time?
As for your wife -- she is an adult. If she doesn't like the consequences of her drinking habits, there is nothing preventing her from seeking help.
Don't waste time worrying about her. Worry about protecting the kids and taking care of yourself. ((((hugs))))
I wish I could dig up Hammer's post on priorities, because that's what I'm thinking of when I'm reading your post.
When I left my alcoholic husband, I put all my focus on the kids -- making sure they were safe, giving them cell phones so they could call when they were with him, having them work with a counselor on identifying "unsafe" and "emergency" situations and make and rehearse action plans for what they would do if their dad tried driving drunk with them or fell asleep while the stove was on, etc.
That was a good thing. But I neglected putting focus on myself and dealing with my own anxiety, stress, pain.
Those two things should be your priorities: You and the kids. Do the children at all need to be with a person who gets falling-down drunk on a regular basis? Would you leave your children with a childcare facility where the staff might be passed out when you came at pickup time?
As for your wife -- she is an adult. If she doesn't like the consequences of her drinking habits, there is nothing preventing her from seeking help.
Don't waste time worrying about her. Worry about protecting the kids and taking care of yourself. ((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
U- I am sorry for the pain your A is causing you. We all have been there is some way or another. Obsessing on what she does will drive you crazy. You need to do what is best for you and the kids.
You need to start living for you. When she is drunk don't engage. She gets locked out let her sleep there and wake up in the morning. Don't enable her in anyway as you are cushioning the fall for her. She doesn't feel the pain she should be when she does "crazy drunk stuff". Leave her be!!
When she is drunk there is no reason to communicate with her. You are speaking one language and she is speaking another. You don't understand each other. She won't remember and you will. Don't waste your time.
Keep reading SR, try and go to some open AA meetings or alanon meetings. Read as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism. Its horrible to love someone who has this disease.
Love can not cure alcoholism!!
(((((((hugs)))))))))
You need to start living for you. When she is drunk don't engage. She gets locked out let her sleep there and wake up in the morning. Don't enable her in anyway as you are cushioning the fall for her. She doesn't feel the pain she should be when she does "crazy drunk stuff". Leave her be!!
When she is drunk there is no reason to communicate with her. You are speaking one language and she is speaking another. You don't understand each other. She won't remember and you will. Don't waste your time.
Keep reading SR, try and go to some open AA meetings or alanon meetings. Read as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism. Its horrible to love someone who has this disease.
Love can not cure alcoholism!!
(((((((hugs)))))))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
First. Welcome.
Second. With the exception of the kids you have, welcome to my world. I was with the same thing for longer than I want to look back on.'
Third. You have to take care of you first, be able to be happy with you and your life first. Not leaving her for fear of how it would affect her is called Co-Dependence. Not healthy for you. And it only serves to keep her enabled.
Cut yourself free of this. Your kids will thank you when its all said and done.
Second. With the exception of the kids you have, welcome to my world. I was with the same thing for longer than I want to look back on.'
Third. You have to take care of you first, be able to be happy with you and your life first. Not leaving her for fear of how it would affect her is called Co-Dependence. Not healthy for you. And it only serves to keep her enabled.
Cut yourself free of this. Your kids will thank you when its all said and done.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I really can relate to how concerned you are for the kids. I am not separated from my AH, but I really worry that our children are going to follow the same cycle as their father, resent him, resent me, and if I were to leave him, what would it do to the kids.
I hope you find comfort here in SR. I know I do. I am relatively new here and have learned soooo much from some very understanding and compassionate people who have the experience and are well underway in their own recovery. I am just beginning my own recovery. I hope you find strength here.
I hope you find comfort here in SR. I know I do. I am relatively new here and have learned soooo much from some very understanding and compassionate people who have the experience and are well underway in their own recovery. I am just beginning my own recovery. I hope you find strength here.
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