kenar

An incredibly difficult Christmas. Ho ho ho. This is my side of the story; I’m sure he has his. Christmas is hard for me – although I come from a Jewish family, my mother died on Christmas, 2010 and while the holiday never had a lot of meaning for me, it does now, and the meaning is sad. Meanwhile, my partner who is an alcoholic and a prescription pill abuser has been in sober living (where it seemed he was doing really well) since mid-August after a stint in rehab in May and two DUI accidents, following a very long buildup that probably began with him passed out when I came back from the hospital after my mother died way back in 2010; I probably checked out then and seethed since.

We have been slowly trying to rebuild our relationship, but last night he came for dinner and wanted to discuss resuming our relationship, which I’ve maintained would not happen until we were (back) in couples’ counseling so I could deal with my resentments appropriately; he was adamant (as opposed to other times) he didn’t want to go back to counseling because he says he gets beat up there, that I just dump on him. I told him that was a non-negotiable and he called me from his car on his way back to SL and said that I was impossible. I’ve been going to Alanon since May and trying very hard to look at my part of the problem; I told him I didn’t want to talk any more and we could pick up another time.

Today we were supposed to go to a film and to a party at a friend’s of his after. I wanted to see “Into the Woods” as I love the material (I grew up in a non-alcoholic family) and felt it would speak to my sadness in a productive way as it’s about what children learn from their parents. He was late (usually he’s punctual) and when I called him, it was clear he was some kind of high. He told me he had gone to a hotel and purchased oxycotin from a stranger. I was so disturbed about him driving I told him to pull over and I picked him up and told him we would not talk about it, but I was going to the movie. He wanted to go and there was a scene between myself and a woman who was texting during the film (I had asked her to stop and she told she wouldn’t so I went to an usher) which definitely got ugly after the film. He started screaming at me at the theatre in front of people. I was very heated from the exchange which I had really gotten into. The woman was screaming at me and I was screaming back (bad idea, horrible idea – her child [late teens] was present and was very disturbed). It got more horrendous with him screaming at me first at the theatre (I wouldn’t get in the car until he chilled) then in the front yard as he had when I threw him out of my house in August. He has been texting like crazy since, largely incoherent. And I still can’t quite let go of the relationship. I wish I could and now I’m starting to realize I should.

I have an alanon meeting tomorrow morning but this has just been horrible. I’m angry at him (I think he was probably using last night because of his refusal to discuss our life together coherently in terms of our previous discussions). I’m angry at myself for losing my **** everywhere and I’m lost.

redatlanta

Kenar - I am sorry you this happened tp you. Couple of things.

"He told me he had gone to a hotel and purchased oxycotin from a stranger".Next time let this or anything similar be your cue to cancel plans.

"I was so disturbed about him driving I told him to pull over and I picked him up and told him we would not talk about it, but I was going to the movie". Next time call the police and identify his vehicle. This is enabling behavior which all addicts thrive on. Its not your job to save him or save the world from his choices.

""He wanted to go and there was a scene between myself and a woman who was texting during the film (I had asked her to stop and she told she wouldn’t so I went to an usher) which definitely got ugly after the film. He started screaming at me at the theatre in front of people. I was very heated from the exchange which I had really gotten into. The woman was screaming at me and I was screaming back (bad idea, horrible idea – her child [late teens] was present and was very disturbed). It got more horrendous with him screaming at me first at the theatre (I wouldn’t get in the car until he chilled) then in the front yard as he had when I threw him out of my house in August". Can't say for sure but I wonder if the stress of having to deal with him and what he had done contributed to your anger at this woman. Yes texting during a movie is annoying, but is it worthy of this kind of scene? No. You already knew he was high when you picked him up and it sounds like you have had issues with his explosions before. Note to self: Do not spend time with this person when they are using.

So, your day was ruined and I assume you didn't get to enjoy the movie along with every other person in the theater. Are you working the step program in Al Anon or just attending meetings?

Counseling with an active addict is a waste of time.

I'm sorry for the upset day most especially because of the remembrance of the loss of your mom. I understand why you feel lost. I hope you will take this situation and decide that at the very least you will not be around him when he is using. Step program Al Anon way to go to stop the enabling.

Eauchiche

Dear Kenar
Go back to that movie again as soon as possible either alone or with a trusted friend. You need to re-imprint that experience and turn it into something positive.

I am sorry about your partner. It sounds like you have really gone the extra mile with him.

It sounds like he isn't giving you much to work with at this point. Turn him over to your Higher Power (the God of Israel works wonders), and move forward with your life.

dandylion

Kenar.....I want to ask you a question...because I am so curious.
Why would you get into an argument with another person (a complete stranger, I am assuming?) because they were texting. Isn't texting usually soundless and produces very little disruption to others.
Of course, if another person has priorities or a value system that is in conflict with our own I know that it can cause some distain.
What was your motivation, here?
I guess I am so curious, because I am startled at rising to such a level of conflict with another citizen in a public place. It reminds me of a parent who is trying to discipline a teenager. It just sounds so over the top controlling, to me....

Perhaps there are more details to the situation that I am not aware of?

dandylion

readerbaby71

I have a HUGE problem with people talking or texting in a movie theatre. If you're sitting nearby the light from the phone is a huge distraction. I usually say something. Most people shut their traps and/or put the phone away. Like it says in the announcement before the movie. It's just good manners. I don't think it is controlling to ask that someone use common courtesy, especially if I'm paying almost $10 to see a movie. Though if someone started yelling at me after the movie I would just walk away. That part has never happened to me.

So sorry you had an awful day. HUGS to you.

dandylion

O.k. folks......I will admit...it has been a few years since I was in a movie theater. (I watch all of them form home, now). So, I am ignorant of texting in the near darkness.
I can certainly understand how talking can be disruptive, though.
I mostly relate to others texting in a restaurant or in the library or on the metro and commuter bus, etc. where there is full lighting--it can be impolite in some situations, but not a major disruption.

This is why I asked for further clarification. I just couldn't understand such a big fight.

dandylion

There was case in the national news this past year where someone texting in a movie theater ended with a shooting--right in the theater! OMG! (I just now remembered that).

lillamy

Forget why he is doing what he is doing. Why are you doing what you are doing? An Al-Anon meeting sounds like a really good, healing idea for you today.

It's clear that you do have a lot of resentment and anger at your partner, and given that I've served 20 years in an alcoholic marriage, I am assuming that your feelings aren't just valid (feelings are always valid), but also warranted.

Since he is refusing to go to counseling with you (the "I'll just get dumped on" in addict vernacular means "I'll have to take responsibility for my actions"), have you considered going to counseling on your own? I found that the combination of Al-Anon, the straight-tack smacks upside the head I got here at SR, and individual counseling was really helpful in dealing with all of my emotions surrounding AXH. You don't have to be miserable because he is.

As someone here said -- holding on to resentments is like drinking poison and hoping for the other person to die.

I've done some utterly dumbass things in the heat of the moment, and I think the fact that you're realizing your reactions weren't exactly balanced and well thought out is a good thing. You're seeing you were acting irrationally; you don't want to do it again -- and that's a step up from defending and excusing irrational behavior. I really think a counselor could help you work through the baggage you have from this relationship.

Also -- and you have to understand, everything I say come from my own experiences; I'm not judging you -- you told him you would only have a relationship with him if he did X, Y, and Z. Then you jump through several hoops to get to go to a movie with him. You knew he was high when he called. You knew he was high when you got to the movie theater. At any given time, you could have cancelled the plans since he was clearly not sober.

But you chose not to. Why?

When we set boundaries and then let someone else walk all over them, we teach them that our words (and our emotions) don't matter. Why would you want to do that?

Like I said -- these are questions I've asked myself in situations when I've let myself be treated worse than I deserve. They're questions I still ask myself, because despite years in Al-Anon and therapy and since my divorce, I still resort to codependent behaviors in a crisis. And then beat myself over the head with how stupid I was afterwards.

dandylion

Kenar...traditional couples therapy is not done by most therapists while one member is still in active addiction. Because, it does not work. Both parties need to be fully present--which is not the case if one or the other is using.
Individual counseling is usually the recommended course until the addiction is in recovery --or at least, a certain period of complete abstainence.

dandylion

maia1234

K-
I am sorry that you are having a rough time. Your thread sounds very angry, as I am sure you are. So who does it hurt when you are angry, him or you? It's not fun to be raging at stupid things because of stuff going on in your life.

What you need to do is learn to deal with all your anger, and by doing that you need to step back. Your partner is an addict/alcoholic, you know that and he knows that. You need to accept this and not be surprised when he uses. There is nothing you can do about it, but them him go. I say the quicker the sicker.....

But anyway you need to take care of yourself. I would not engage in anyway with him if you feel he is high. I am sure by now you know when that is. Get off the phone and just don't deal with him. By you protecting yourself, it won't get you so upset and you will step away from him.

The alanon meetings are awesome, you can it a open AA meeting and keep reading SR. There is so much help that you can get from these people. Take one day at a time just like an A.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

kenar

Regarding the texting: This is a premium movie theatre chain (15 bucks a seat), the Arclight which prides itself on the movie-going experience; I rarely go to public cinema anymore because people are so indifferent to others in the audience. To that extent, a spokesperson comes out before the film and says to please turn off the cellphone and says if there's a problem, to complain -- they wait untilthe film starts to check sound and picture -- it's that kind of theatre, and as I mentioned I really wanted to see this movie which I'd been anticipating. The movie started and the daughter (sitting one empty seat away on my left) started texting, which indeed, took me eyes off the screen when her screen lit brightly. I said, "Please turn off your phone". Seriously. The mother came in after the film started and sat on her left and turned on the phone and started texting as the movie was going. Again I said, "please turn off your phone." She shouted back, "what are you going to do about it?" I said, "I'll go talk to the manager," left the theatre, and talked to the manager; I went to the manager and said that she was distracting me from the film which had just started. She followed out with a lot of talk about how her son had a flat tire (so why wasn't she on the phone with him in the lobby.) The manager said he would handle. She came in a couple minutes later and the phone stayed off. When the movie ended, they left and I waited for the credits to end (a good four minute head start for her). As we were leaving the theatre she came up and told me she had texted all through the film and the manager had taken her side and that I had traumatized her daughter and then the argument started. I should have recognized her as trouble and walked away. The only thing (of that part of the day) I feel at all was out of line, was engaging with her after she came up after the film.

kenar

Regarding the counseling: After my mother's death in 2010, he started going to AA and stayed sober for two years. I was still hanging on to resentment and we started couple's counseling. About two years ago, it was also suggested we go to individual counseling which I've been doing since, although he didn't start going until he went to sober living in August. I've been attending Alanon since his rehab in May and have gone twice a week since. I shared today (which I don't do a lot) and it was helpful just to give voice to it. This has been very hard to me and I appreciate the comments here. This is the second Christmas where his using has really taken the attention off my feelings and onto his. It is a very selfish disease, indeed.