Butterfly

Was feeling good this morning probably as I was so busy but as I was making dinner I kept thinking about last Christmas. Last year he bought me an eternity ring and told me it was a symbol of how he would be with me forever, less than 3 months later he leaves!! I have always known he had a drinking problem and probably always that he was an alcoholic but didn't want to admit it. I keep thinking was he planning on leaving then or was it really just when his drinking progressed again and I wanted him to get he,p he thought no I'm outta here. I know there are no answers to these questions and if there were they wouldn't be of any help to my recovery I guess I'm just feeling very hurt and sad today and I miss the person he could be when he wasn't drinking or his thoughts weren't conusmed by alcoho. I am only now beginning to understand how he manipulated me and I can't help but wonder for how long!!

I don't even know if he's still drinking, I know nothing about him and if I am honest it hurts that he won't even speak to me or acknowledge me it's as though I've done something wrong but I don't know what or why he's treating me the way he is.

Apologies I'm feeling very sad tonight

MissFixit

Dont know all your details,b but do know when someone cuts you out for seemingly no reason (you didn't do anything) it has to do with them. Their mind,their guilt,their mental issues.

Take good care of yourself.

Butterfly

I keep thinking what did I do that was so wrong.

biminiblue

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lillamy

I have a kid with an eating disorder, and we actually talk about "Daughter" and "Ed" separately. Daughter wants help, wants to get healthy -- Ed is like a demonic possession refusing to let her.

In many ways, I think alcoholism can be similar: Your ex's gift last Christmas may have been completely honest and true, but then the alcoholic mind takes over and *poof* he's gone because staying with you was a threat to the alcoholism, and it can't have that.

I'm sorry you're sad -- but you deserve to be treated better than that. You deserve a man whose words and actions are one; who treats you like an equal, a partner -- not a parent. What he did to you sounds more like a teenager who moves out because his mother is asking him to clean his room.

Next Christmas will be easier. Promise. And before you know it, you'll be humming Christmas songs and he will be a distant memory. I'm living it right now. I know it can happen. (((hugs)))

Jane11

Hi Butterfly

I just wanted to say I'm really sorry that you are feeling sad and I myself can sympathise with this as I'm sure many others can too.

I also struggle with looking into the past and thinking what my Christmas and New Year would have been like had he have been a part of it like we planned. Sadly that wasn't to be.

Its hard to stop thinking what ifs and maybes and analysing everything I get that so much but I do hope you have had some moments of peace and happiness during the day.

Anyhow, just wanted to say I'm sorry you are sad, I understand, and I hope the feeling will pass for you and next Christmas is a whole year away, so much can happen in a year. Try to focus on how much happier you will hopefully be next year. Sending you hugs

AnvilheadII

I keep thinking what did I do that was so wrong

and why do you think YOU did anything WRONG?
can you accept that HE just didn't FIT the mold of good husband and father? that he just didn't have it IN him to be a truly committed partner and parent? he's been climbing out the window for years and years....every time he left he was trying to show you what he was about.

my last husband was a great guy. (IS a great guy). strong solid stable and sober for 3 years when we met and in January will have 30 years!! he was funny and articulate and treated me always ALWAYS with respect. we had a nice little house on a cul de sac, a little travel trailer, 2 (wretched) dogs.

and I got to where I couldn't STAND living with him and being married. I felt trapped. I just wanted out.

why? because that was not where I was meant to be. not where I belonged. not long term. IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

he was the perfect partner.......just.not.for.me.

every time you interact with your AH, you go into a tailspin. and I think he's trying to prevent that from happening by staying no contact. maybe so he doesn't have to deal with it, or maybe with you in mind. why not see it as a gift.....you never have to deal with him coming back and THEN leaving again. that miserable cycle is over.

SparkleKitty

I think you still believe that if it WAS your fault then you could fix it. It really is easier to believe that you did something than to accept that the addiction is more powerful than we are.

I wish we could fix it, Butterfly. The only thing that ever made my life better was accepting that I could not.

Butterfly

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Sparklekitty your right sometimes I think it's something I did wrong.....because that's my default setting and when I think about reasons why he is refusing to speak to me or acknowledge I exist I think it's me it must be something I did.

Anvil I am sorry you felt trapped and your last marriage didn't work out. Yes he has shown me for years who he is but he always came home. Maybe he thought he could control it or as I compromised and gave in about his drinking he didn't have to chose. I do think at times that he tried for so long to control his drinking and it has finally progressed to the point where he doesn't want to fight it any more and he just thinks that is who he is and this is his life and if he was to remain at home he would continue to hurt me and let me down with his drinking. I don't really know what I think today.

Lillamy I do deserve to be treated better and be with someone who's actions show that he means what he says. I do wish he could have sought recovery rather than walking away from me and the kids, as he's walked away from them too.

Jane I was having a very peaceful day right up until about 5pm and it will be lonely this Christmas came on the TV and that was me, luckily the kids were upstairs. For the most part it has been nice And I am so fortunate that I have 2 wonderful children, they kept me going all day.

Butterfly

Hi biminiblue your post was blank??

AnvilheadII

Anvil I am sorry you felt trapped and your last marriage didn't work out.

that's the thing Butterfly....there is nothing to feel sorry about! it's not even that it "didn't work out" - it just reached its natural conclusion. hell after I left Mike bought a Goldwing, grew his hair out long, dyed it blonde and got lap band surgery and lost over 100 pounds. met another gal in the rooms and they got married. (wife #4 for him).

I met hank and here we are in our house on the lake with two NOT SO wretched dogs and a couple subarus in the drive!

what seemed like endings was really just new beginnings. life is really just a series of phases.....nothing is permanent - even if we keep those baby teeth, we can never USE them again, as they belong to our past, to another time and place. even our NOW is fleeting - like the sky lit up at sunset, an ever changing shift in the panorama, the vibrant colors, deepening hues, that will eventually fade away.

FeelingGreat

You did right to post and get it out there. You've had a year that's been heartbreaking, confusing, challenging and totally amazing. If you think of your own personal growth as a plant, you've shot right through the roof.

In contrast, your AH hasn't been able to grow at all. He's effectively surrendered to his alcoholism and that's his choice, tragic as it is.

You are much better off than him. Keep growing.

Butterfly

Thanks anvil and feelinggreat.

Sometimes particularly when I have bad days I don't feel I'm progressing in my recovery that im still stuck in the, whys and how's. I asked him what was happening with the divorce and he didn't answer, he had previously said he would sort it and I feel that as he wants it he can pay for it especially as I can't afford solicitor fees right now. But I might just have to as I am sitting waiting most days for the papers to arrive.

I hate that I didn't acknowledge my feelings for so many years about his addiction and now I don't honestly know what is real and what is my mind convincing me of what is real. I wish he hadn't contacted me the other day he made his arrangements with the kids why couldn't he just have stuck to them. I hate that I asked about us, that I hoped things had changed.

FeelingGreat

Not the point of your post B, but I've noticed that you seem to think his property is separate from yours. You've been married a long time, and have children together so it doesn't matter whose name is on any titles or who is earning what, your joint property will be divided according to the usual formulas, taking into account earning power, retirement funds etc. Whatever a divorce costs will come out of your joint money, whether he has it in his possession or not.
If you engage a lawyer who does family law they'll probably work on a deferred fees basis until there's a settlement. A lack of ready funds is not usually a barrier to getting advice.
If he has been in charge of all the finances up until now it's time to take some control back for yourself. See a lawyer, discuss your options. Take him by surprise if you can, because he may start thinking in terms of hiding money or spending it on lifestyle.
You have your future to think of, and it will stretch on for a long time past this time of heartache. Don't you want to be able to have options for enjoying yourself in the future?

Butterfly

He has told me he doesn't want anything from the house, it's in my name and when he left a few years ago I remortgaged and gave him money from the house. He has his own property in his name now. I don't want any of his pension even thought his would be greater than mine as I started mine late I just want my house and my pension and nothing to do with him. Your right though I'm sitting waiting here for him to make decisions, for him to end our marriage by divorcing me. In the new year I will speak to a solicitor again and see where I stand!! I previously spoke to one but only briefly about grounds for divorce, I have the grounds to divorce him, unreasonable behaviour, if he files we would have to be separated 2 years before a divorce unless he lied.

I want a peaceful future and no longer want to be tied to him, maybe that is the only way I will move on.

Butterfly

I find myself re reading old threads trying to understand why he would just cut me out, no contact as though I never existed. I am struggling to understand this??

dandylion

Butterfly.....I think that we both know that this is a rhetorical question, by this time. This has been addressed over and over in previous threads. It is an intellectual question that has an intellectual answer (naturally...LOL).

From how I see this....the intellectual understanding is not the real issue, here.
THE EMOTIONS ARE THE ISSUE. Your emotions over his behavior is what is driving you.
Your feelings are giving you psychic discomfort.

I suggest that you not ask WHY why why?....rather, give descrition and expression to how you are feeling, right now. Are you angry, are you sad? are you frightened? do you feel alone and l onely......etc, etc....

I cannot help but feel like, maybe, this is connected to the accumulated losses you have experienced when your m other repeatedly abandoned you over and over as a child.
Perhaps these feelings have been stuffed for a few decades and are now surfacing as a result of the loss of your husband. One loss can surely trigger all the unresolved issues from all the previous losses in our past. (I am not trying to be your shrink...and, we all know that I am just spit ballin', here). I know that you are seeing your counselor...so, maybe you can deal with this stuff with her.

Actually, I think that the wailing wall would be a good thing for you, right now, to allow you to experience and identify some of these feelings---as well as release the overflow of negative energy. I promise you that it did wonders for me!!!!!!!!!

You said that you were anxious to read "The saber-toothed Tiger"....I am wondering if you have had an opportunity to begin ...because it addresses some of the questions that you are struggling with.....

dandylion

Hawkeye13

There is no "understanding" alcoholic thinking dear Butterfly.

Assume, at this point, there never will be and let it go.

Peace lies at the end of acceptance and you will find yourself again

SparkleKitty

We tell ourselves stories. For many many years the story I told myself is that because my mother is an addict, then I am not worthy of love, I am not good enough, and everything is my fault.

It takes time to untangle something so personal. It is only many years on that I can see, quite plainly, that her addiction, and subsequently the things it caused her to say and do, has nothing to do with me.

Only when I pulled the focus off HER and trying to unravel her choices and actions, and on to ME and my choices and actions, could I move forward. It was very hard and took a great deal of time, but it went faster and easier when I consciously decided to stop beating myself up over every misstep. You have made great strides, Butterfly! Get your eyes facing forward and your feet will follow!

dandylion

Yes,....butterfly....the other posters are saying, essentially the same thing I am saying...in a different style...lOL!

Work on your self and your FEELINGS. With your therapist about past baggage...with your readings....with journaling....with the wailing wall and positive self-talk (o r other techniques)....with one-on-one talking with understanding others.....(I am sure you get the point..).

Push him to the side...and put yourself front and center! Don't try to "understand" him, any more---try to understand Butterfly.

dandylion