Please help me stop engaging
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 47
Please help me stop engaging
My family comes round for Christmas breakfast and my alcoholic brother has always had a few beers with my husband. He is not an alcoholic but does binge drinker and his drinking has caused problems. Usually mil will bring champagne and her, mum and I will habe 1 drink half with oj. I spoke to husband last night and said I didn't want alcohol at breakfast as he drinks too much.
He reassured me and said that he would have only a couple of beers. Its 10am; everyone has left and I think he's onto his 4th...just opened.
I told him he broke the boundary and I don't feel good about this on Christmas morning at 10am and of course I am told to chill out and I have mental health issues. And we still have Christmas dinner to go to...
He reassured me and said that he would have only a couple of beers. Its 10am; everyone has left and I think he's onto his 4th...just opened.
I told him he broke the boundary and I don't feel good about this on Christmas morning at 10am and of course I am told to chill out and I have mental health issues. And we still have Christmas dinner to go to...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lolitola. I know just how you are feeling!!! I have had my A's do the same kind of thing on special event days. That is one of the worst kind of memories I have of dealing with alcoholics. They just HAVE to screw up the best laid plans. So damn selfish!!
I am hoping that the dinner goes with as little disruption as possible. Let us know how it goes. You may want to do some venting tomorrow.....LoL!
dandylion
I am hoping that the dinner goes with as little disruption as possible. Let us know how it goes. You may want to do some venting tomorrow.....LoL!
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lolitola. I know just how you are feeling!!! I have had my A's do the same kind of thing on special event days. That is one of the worst kind of memories I have of dealing with alcoholics. They just HAVE to screw up the best laid plans. So damn selfish!!
I am hoping that the dinner goes with as little disruption as possible. Let us know how it goes. You may want to do some venting tomorrow.....LoL!
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 47
Thanks I am a codependent idiot. My anxiety levels are so high. Of course I am counting the beers and he has snuck 2 during lunch. Probably when I took the kids to the neighbors for a swim. I have to detach for my sanity. I am exhausted.
Why do I put myself through this yearly and are made out to be the unreasonable one.
Why do I put myself through this yearly and are made out to be the unreasonable one.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 62
I feel the same way and I completely know what you're going through. I'm sick of counting drinks and stressing about it, especially on holidays...always worrying that something is going to go wrong. I think that I'm going to just go with whatever happens (way easier said than done) and make sure the kids are having a good time.
I hope your dinner turns out fabulously. Merry Christmas!
I hope your dinner turns out fabulously. Merry Christmas!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 47
Thanks.
The night was hard...in that my grandmother who I was so close to passed on a year ago. Mum is living in her old home, and to have the family dinner there was harder than I imagined.
My mother was playing on the organ later, one of Mamas songs and I was overcome with grief. I left the room quickly and had to go shortly after as my 2 year old was exhausted.
My husband was seated down the table and I barely engaged with him all night. I was glad of this and didn't care as my alcoholic brother monopolizes the conversation with him. I noted he made no offers to help or clear away and was disappointed, but not surprised. I didn't say anything as I didn't want to inflame anything.
On the way home I mentioned that I felt badly I couldn't stay to clean up...and be said mum would be worried worried about my depressed state. I said calmly I wasn't depressed but finding the Christmas hard.
He proceded to make me feel like ****...saying he couldn't understand, I am always down, she was old and everyone had sadness at Christmas and they all made the best of it. Like him. His sister passed awag 30 years ago.
the cold lack of compassion was so hurtful. All 3 kids were in the car so I just apologised and said sorry and I didn't mean to compare to his sister. No response. I really only think he had about 3 or 4.
Just feel so low. And feel **** for engaging with him in front of the kids on Christmas day.
The night was hard...in that my grandmother who I was so close to passed on a year ago. Mum is living in her old home, and to have the family dinner there was harder than I imagined.
My mother was playing on the organ later, one of Mamas songs and I was overcome with grief. I left the room quickly and had to go shortly after as my 2 year old was exhausted.
My husband was seated down the table and I barely engaged with him all night. I was glad of this and didn't care as my alcoholic brother monopolizes the conversation with him. I noted he made no offers to help or clear away and was disappointed, but not surprised. I didn't say anything as I didn't want to inflame anything.
On the way home I mentioned that I felt badly I couldn't stay to clean up...and be said mum would be worried worried about my depressed state. I said calmly I wasn't depressed but finding the Christmas hard.
He proceded to make me feel like ****...saying he couldn't understand, I am always down, she was old and everyone had sadness at Christmas and they all made the best of it. Like him. His sister passed awag 30 years ago.
the cold lack of compassion was so hurtful. All 3 kids were in the car so I just apologised and said sorry and I didn't mean to compare to his sister. No response. I really only think he had about 3 or 4.
Just feel so low. And feel **** for engaging with him in front of the kids on Christmas day.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OH, my, lolitalola......no wonder you are exhausted and I imagine you feel very much alone, just now. My grandmother passed several years ago--she was like a mother to me. That was a monumental event for me....so, I can really relate to your grieving. It was a full year before I could even listen to any religious songs! I would break down in tears.
I think one of the very important things that partners do for each other in a relationship is to be there, emotionally and practically---to be the soft place to fall when life's tragedies an misfortunes befall us. To do less than that is tanamount to "desertion", in my opinion. My children's father (my first husband)..who was narcissistic (not an alcoholic) was like the way you describe your husband.
One day, it was like the heavens opened and I said to myself--"I refuse to NOT MATTER one more day". The next day I went to a lawyer and started the divorce.
I just knew that I could not complete my life as a half-human. I needed to be a whole person or I though I would "go crazy". Most of all, I didn't want my children, who were very young, to copy him!
I know this...trying to manage or control those things that are impossible to control will wear you down to a nubbin. (in case you are not from the rural south--a nubbin is a small residual piece of the origional whole).
I think you did very well under the circumstances.
I hope you can relax a bit m ore, today and have some fun with your babes.
dandylion
***fact: Statistically, anxiety is the most common psychological condition of all. It is also the most treatable!
I think one of the very important things that partners do for each other in a relationship is to be there, emotionally and practically---to be the soft place to fall when life's tragedies an misfortunes befall us. To do less than that is tanamount to "desertion", in my opinion. My children's father (my first husband)..who was narcissistic (not an alcoholic) was like the way you describe your husband.
One day, it was like the heavens opened and I said to myself--"I refuse to NOT MATTER one more day". The next day I went to a lawyer and started the divorce.
I just knew that I could not complete my life as a half-human. I needed to be a whole person or I though I would "go crazy". Most of all, I didn't want my children, who were very young, to copy him!
I know this...trying to manage or control those things that are impossible to control will wear you down to a nubbin. (in case you are not from the rural south--a nubbin is a small residual piece of the origional whole).
I think you did very well under the circumstances.
I hope you can relax a bit m ore, today and have some fun with your babes.
dandylion
***fact: Statistically, anxiety is the most common psychological condition of all. It is also the most treatable!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OH, my, lolitalola......no wonder you are exhausted and I imagine you feel very much alone, just now. My grandmother passed several years ago--she was like a mother to me. That was a monumental event for me....so, I can really relate to your grieving. It was a full year before I could even listen to any religious songs! I would break down in tears.
I think one of the very important things that partners do for each other in a relationship is to be there, emotionally and practically---to be the soft place to fall when life's tragedies an misfortunes befall us. To do less than that is tanamount to "desertion", in my opinion. My children's father (my first husband)..who was narcissistic (not an alcoholic) was like the way you describe your husband.
One day, it was like the heavens opened and I said to myself--"I refuse to NOT MATTER one more day". The next day I went to a lawyer and started the divorce.
I just knew that I could not complete my life as a half-human. I needed to be a whole person or I though I would "go crazy". Most of all, I didn't want my children, who were very young, to copy him!
I know this...trying to manage or control those things that are impossible to control will wear you down to a nubbin. (in case you are not from the rural south--a nubbin is a small residual piece of the origional whole).
I think you did very well under the circumstances.
I hope you can relax a bit m ore, today and have some fun with your babes.
dandylion
***fact: Statistically, anxiety is the most common psychological condition of all. It is also the most treatable!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
You're not alone in your feelings! Several of my family members have said nothing about my sobriety (thanks for the non-support!), one brother called my wife "crazy" and refused to apologize, another argued that it was in my best interest to divorce, I'm told I'm bashing the family image when I call out the emotional abuse, nothing is wrong with my father (even though he drinks everyday - is rail-thin, looks horrible, had a mini-stroke last year, collapsed on the ground one xmas without a reason), and the list goes on. Ultimately, I'm not going to get validation from most (if not all) of my FOO members. It's like I'm trying to argue with crazy.
I suppose that it's like the fool me once, your fault. fool me twice, it's now my fault.
when i go back to most FOO members for resolution, I should know already what I'll get in return, a whole lot of nothing. Also, I need to understand that I could be with 10 years of recovery, use the sweetest words, and awesome boundary setting (perfectly stated and enforced) and they would still behave the way they do.
The idea is that, in the end, we cannot control the actions of other people. Only our own. That is where our strength lies. Can we accept that the person will not approve of our actions, but we will? Do we really need their permission and approval? I've got lots of work to do there.
You did not cause it. You cannot cure it. AND, you cannot control it.
The question to ask yourself is this. How do you want to deal with it? What choices will you make? This is TOTALLY up to you. Al-Anon meetings might help. Writing and reading on SoberRecovery helps too.
My two cents. Take what you like, and leave the rest.
I suppose that it's like the fool me once, your fault. fool me twice, it's now my fault.
when i go back to most FOO members for resolution, I should know already what I'll get in return, a whole lot of nothing. Also, I need to understand that I could be with 10 years of recovery, use the sweetest words, and awesome boundary setting (perfectly stated and enforced) and they would still behave the way they do.
The idea is that, in the end, we cannot control the actions of other people. Only our own. That is where our strength lies. Can we accept that the person will not approve of our actions, but we will? Do we really need their permission and approval? I've got lots of work to do there.
You did not cause it. You cannot cure it. AND, you cannot control it.
The question to ask yourself is this. How do you want to deal with it? What choices will you make? This is TOTALLY up to you. Al-Anon meetings might help. Writing and reading on SoberRecovery helps too.
My two cents. Take what you like, and leave the rest.
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