Katchie

How many of you have had your AH/AW say they are attending AA only to find they are not? I'm asking because my AH said he is getting support thru AA but I don't see any literature or evidence that he really is doing this nor does he talk about it. He only said he is getting this support when I confronted him about his drinking. Or is it just not up to me to even wonder about it? Maybe it doesn't even matter. The other night, after we had wrapped all of the kids gifts and were preparing to make a 6 hour trip to see my dad he brought up that he really appreciated me calling him out on his drinking and that he really wants things to work out. I'm sure he means that somewhere deep inside and hope I see the action behind it.

MissFixit

My ex lied about attending AA and an intensive outpatient program and therapy. He did all three at one time, but quit and lied to me about continuing them for months. He would go into great detail about discussions they had and group therapy stuff. All made up to shut me up and appease me. I even used to drop him off on their doorstep and pick him up 4 hours later. No idea what he did instead, probably walk around and drink coffee.

ladyscribbler

My ex lied about attending AA meetings during our trial separation when he was supposed to be getting sober. I returned to find that he was drinking more than ever. It was all a lie and I think he was counting on me sticking around because I'd made so many empty threats in the past.

dandylion

Katchie....it is not unusual for them to lie about going....because I have heard so many stories on this forum about it! I do know that it is not unheard of to show up at AA meetings when intoxicated.
An alcoholic who is in the throes of their DISEASE has overwhelming compulsions to drink and is terrified at the thought of giving up their main coping mechanism. It literally feels, to them, like they would die. It is their "oxygen". They will say whatever they need to to get you off their back.

dandylion

Katchie

So, how do you know, or do you just let it be? I want confirmation. I want to know what I'm dealing with this time around; is it an AH working a program or a lying AH doing what an A does? In my head I feel like this should be a concrete thing or a deal breaker.

lillamy

I think more than whether he's going to AA or not, my question would be -- do you see a change in his actions and his behavior? Is he sober? Is his behavior changing? If not, it doesn't matter if he goes to ten meetings a day...

honeypig

My A lied about attending meetings for FOUR YEARS, dutifully leaving every Sunday AM and then telling me some little tidbit of info about the meeting when he got home, like "oh, we had a newcomer today" or the like. But during all that time, he never seemed to act any different or any better, and that would have been a huge clue to me, if I had known/understood then what I know/understand now...

What lillamy says is the truth of the matter. I've heard it said that just going to AA meetings won't put you in recovery any more than standing in a garage will turn you into a car. If he truly is in recovery, you will know. I struggled w/the same questions as you, Katchie, and people told me "you'll just know", and I thought "what a BS answer." But really and truly, Katchie, you will know.

spiderqueen

My XABF used to go to meetings and therapy in the morning, and get black out drunk by evening.

So yes, sadly, whether he's attending meetings or not is inconsequential.

In my case, when I discovered the pattern, that was indeed a deal breaker for me.

Bullfrog

Agree with Honeypig... You will just know. My XAH is supposedly sober and "miraculously cured" (his words) but there is zero change in his attitude, verbal abuse, blame game and manipulations. And he's still very puffy. It used to make me scratch my head all the times he declared himself sober and recovering. I have always been a fairly sheltered and naive gal. "This is recovery?" I thought.

Well, after a year of Al-Anon, watching his lies repeatedly fall apart and understanding alcoholism a bit more, I am a firm believer in Actions Not Words.

Recovery is more than just not drinking. Recovery looks like recovery, both for the alcoholic and us codies. Try to not allow his lack of recovery send you back into your own disease. Easier said than done, I know.

But if his behavior is unacceptable to you, then it's unacceptable. You don't need proof.

LexieCat

Going to meetings doesn't mean someone is sober. I know people who sit in meetings and continue to drink. Maybe some of it sinks in, maybe not. I know people who HAVE eventually "gotten it" that way--at least enough to get serious about the work.

After all, the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. Not a very high bar (no pun intended).

Most alcoholics who definitely do NOT want to quit drinking will stay far away from meetings--it does tend to ruin one's enjoyment of drinking.

LeeJane

When I was an active A, I used to attend my counselling appointments and then go home and get drunk whilst thinking how well the sessions were going and that I was making progress.

I even changed the times of the appointments from afternoon to early morning so I didn't have to wait so long for my drink.

INSANE!

CAPTAINZING2000

You can always say you'd like to go to an open meeting with him and see what he says.

redatlanta

Isn't he actively drinking?

If so I don't really think it matters if he is going or not.

dandylion

Katchie....I just wondering....if you could know that he is going to some meetings- that would give your hanging on to hope a fresh wind? Maybe....like holding on to hope feels m ore secure than facing the fact that he is sinking deeper into his disease.
I'm not saying that this is what you ARE feeling--but I'm wondering if this is a possibility....

I know that hanging on to hope can be a very powerful thing....
And, I do know that you are suffering.....

I am so sorry. I feel for you....

dandylion

Katchie

All advice has been good advice/thoughts, so thank you all.
Dandylion, your suggestion has stung the most so I'm thinking some of what you've stated may be true. He's stayed sober so far for the holidays but I know that may be short lived when we are home again and he's out of sight on his own back to work. My therapist warned me about a honeymoon period too. I just wish this didnt have to be so hard.

FeelingGreat

I recognise that thinking!

FeelingGreat

Katchie, my take is that if he was really working on his sobriety and making progress he wouldn't lie to you about AA. He might say it's not for him and he's more comfortable with (insert whatever else he'd be doing instead). Not everyone uses AA, I didn't, but I wouldn't have any trouble being truthful about that because once I began recovery the last time it worked for me.

If he's not recovering, he'd be likely to lie about AA. I don't see a scenario where he's actually in recovery but not going to AA because then he'd have no reason to lie. Trust your instincts.

Stung

My experience is that I like to have proof of my husband's program in action too. If there was a card that he had to have stamped at every meeting he attended, I would totally sneak a peek to make sure that he's attending every time he told me he was. At the end of the day, his program is his program. And if he is working ANY program, regardless of what is looks like, then his attitude, behaviors and general demeanor will be enough for me to be able to quell my own anxieties. If he being kind? Is he lying to me? Is he being argumentative? Is he being passive aggressive? I don't want these qualities in a partner whether they're falling over drunk or stone cold sober.

I have found that things that I suspect my husband is lying to me about are suspicions because he actually is lying to me. That doesn't mean that I need to act on my suspicions immediately but I also don't ignore them.

Regardless of whether your husband is going to AA or not, if he's still acting like a jerk then he's still acting like a jerk. I agree with Honeypig, when you've had enough you'll know and you'll make a change and feel confident in your decisions.

Wishing you a peaceful weekending, Katchie.

NWGRITS

I don't know if you've ever read my story about Christmas Tree Guy, but he was the reason a friend of mine quit drinking cold turkey at 20 and never looked back. Friend was sent to AA as a punishment for underage drinking and then driving home from a party. I went to the meetings for moral support, and I got a lot out of it as an ACoA. Enter Christmas Tree Guy, who was so drunk at one of the meetings that he fell into the church's Christmas Tree and sent both himself and the tree crashing to the ground. AA doesn't make anyone sober any more than standing in their garage makes them a car. Whether or not he attends is irrelevant. If he's still acting like an asshat, then he's an asshat.

Aeryn

When my XRAH chose recovery last year I just knew - I didn't have to check or wonder. Just like now I don't have to check or wonder to know he's still sober. What I learned was when I "wondered" in the past it was because really I "knew" and was hoping I was just wondering.....now everyone is different but this was my experience. He's a year sober and what I've discovered is our marriage was really just a legally binding friendship.....it could be worse I guess at least the split was amicable.

The harder thing is once he did find recovery (well first I was already gone and I strongly believe it would have taken him much longer to hit bottom had I stayed and continued to enable - in my case just merely staying at all was enabling even if I did nothing overt)......well once he found recovery I was left to face me. Just me alone in the room looking at just me. Facing my own demons the truth about the marriage and learning to love me just as me alone - learning that me just by myself is an ok and a pretty good person. It was only once I went through that that I found serenity...for me staying with him was not only enabling him I was enabling me not to look inwards and face me. This is just how it went for my story everyone's is different.

I don't know any answers but I do know that the path we travel as F&F can sometimes be dark and difficult but the light at the other end is bright and worth it whatever that light may be.

Thinking of you and your family and wishing you well.