Blondie

Here we go again. My instincts told me that something bad was going to happen. ANOTHER DUI, more "I'm sorry", more "I love you", more "I'll never drink again", etc, etc, etc. This time he was involved in a bad accident (hit a tree) and was severly injured a few months ago. Now he's out of work (on disability) and we have medical bills to pay, lawyer fees, fines, etc, etc, etc. I really don't feel anything at this point. I'm not scared or even angry (OK, just a little) this time, and no, it's not because I'm numb but it is because I know that his drinking isn't my fault and that I can't help him with his problems. Since I detached, things are different with me this time. I'm not "helping" him anymore, he is on his own. I didn't help him find a DUI lawyer, I didn't go to the lawyer's office and hold his hand, and I am not going to court with him and hold his hand this time either, I'm not joining him in blaming the police for charging him, and I'm not mad at the tree for being there (he is though, not logical, but it's part of his excuse). I view it as something he has to handle on his own. Gee, you know, like a grown man. Before I detached I would baby him and make excuses, take the blame for his drinking and other problems, etc. No more. I turned him over to my higher power a few years ago and gave myself permission to live My life, not his. Thank God for al-anon and this website, it really works if you keep at it.

Sad thing is that he AND his parents are downplaying the severity of the situation. I keep hearing him and his parents saying: "Oh, it's just a misdemeaner", "Oh, our neighbor had several of those and spent some time in jail for a year every weekend, it's no big deal", and the all time favorite "at least I (he) didn't rob a bank", or "oh, it's like getting a traffic ticket." His mother, who is EXTREMELY co-dependent, is babying him and "taking care" of him AGAIN. She's making excuses, crying, begging him to stop drinking, etc. It's like watching a bad movie over and over and over again, except this time I feel like I'm in the audience watching. It's not that I don't care what happens to him, but I know I can't prevent the inevitable from happening.

Gabe

You are doing great. You're letting him go and letting his parent's attitude go as well. Nothing you can do about either situation. Stay in the audience. This is not an audience participation show.
Hugs,
Gabe

Blondie

Thanks Gabe. You know when you are involved and doing the codependent "thing" you don't really see reality. Now I can see clearly and can't believe how delusional I was. I thought I could fix and control ANYTHING. Now I know better, and feel a lot more free and sane and have a sense of maturity.

matters

Hi Blondie,

I am so glad that you are looking at this situation from the outside so to speak instead of in the middle of the mess. You are healing and getting stronger everyday! I so wish that I had not been involved when my husband got his DUI's before. If it ever happens again he will be on his own.All my help.....not, just co-dependent behavior didn't help anyone.Only a temporary fix to a huge problem by calling for him to lie about what happened to where he was suppose to work and then bail him out. I really needed this support system then. They need to be responsible for the messes that their addiction causes. Take care.....GOOD JOB!!!
Hugs and prayers,
matters