Neagrm

I should have left years ago. But I didn't; some reasons simple; some complex; mostly unconscious at the time. I still don't know that my spouse is A or not. He may not be; may just have a problem with it now and then.

But there are other reasons I should have left: major communication issues such as, he refused to discuss anything with me that hinted of controversy -- he would walk out of the room and refuse to discuss things, I tried every way imaginable to approach him and make it "work." (you know the routine, "if I just say/do the *right* thing, I can fix it.")

His thing is avoidance and withdrawal. The kids came along and then I was trapped. I am now too old to leave due to economic reasons and that is why I've always stayed -- economics and thinking that it might be better for the kids; thinking my marriage vows were IT; thinking I could change myself enough to make it work. And that last one is exactly what I did without realizing much of it and at what cost.

I made it work for many years, through miserable times until I developed health issues also. Now I'm too old to leave even though the kids are basically grown. It's economic and aging. Pathetic, but very important, top issues in our culture.

After saying the above, I must now confess: the past couple years things have improved immensely. In fact we now have times that can be called very good. The marriage is a sacred entity and can be a beautiful thing, He has learned so much more about communication and has learned a great deal from me over the years (as I've learned to set clear boundaries, etc., etc., and got myself a counselor even when he wouldn't go; he went a couple times for a few weeks and then always quit; he went only to "help" me anyway).

After a lifetime we've realized recently, his mother has been mentally ill and he grew up with very unhealthy patterns created in his family. Between that and a midlife career crisis and serious stress at work, the drinking has increased and created a few obvious problems (obvious to me).

We have recommitted to the marriage and decided it is worth preserving. But something is wrong in my sense that I have no choice really due to economics, an unfair fact of life. I gave my best years away to the family.

So does this mean I am a failure? I have failed at the adult tasks in life: I cannot support myself financially; I cannot be financially independent. Does that mean I am worthless? It feels like it sometimes. All the time and years and part time work I did when the kids were younger, are for naught. I left my lucrative, professional job years and years ago when I got married, and now have health issues. What a wimp I've been.

The kids have done very well and I have a great relationship with them. They are old enough now I don't have to protect them like I did when they were little. They must learn to deal with their dad in their own way, not through me as a go-between. They know that and are old enough to do it. I am a moral support system, a safety net. They are super kids; they'll have their own issues to deal with but they are wonderful, beautiful people inside and out.

Tonight I'm sitting here and he walks by saying a terse hello and disappears down the basement as usual. He's mad about something. Probably because I didn't go with him to a meeting that I asked him to take his son to by himself, without me. It was asking a lot.

I sit here realizing once again, that I don't know what a normal family does when everyone gets home in the evening. I no longer know, if I ever did (although I did grow up with several siblings and we played games together all the time), how to have us be a family. He would disappear and leave the kids to me when they were little. I played games with them, alone. I cooked with them, alone. I tried to play catch with them, alone. I asked for help at times and it was pulling teeth, taking so much energy just to get him involved a little. I was so busy, and asked so little for the family, so he wouldn't get too mad, so he wouldn't say emotionally abusive things to the kids and me.

How do you be a family together? I've given up. I no longer care enough to make the supreme effort. After all these years he begins to appreciate me, begins to try to spend more time with me. To my surprise, I don't want his time. I've gotten used to and truly do enjoy my solitude. I am depressed and now leave the kids to their computers, etc., and feel guilty but, they are old enough now, they don't need me like that. I am too tired to try much any more. They have chores and jobs but they are basically raised.

And I don't know how, to be a family with this man and our children. I love them all dearly. Now what, LOL. Alanon, here I come.

Nea (rambling unbelieveably!!!!!!!)

Teggie

(((Nea))))
Quote:
"And I don't know how, to be a family with this man and our children. I love them all dearly. Now what, LOL. Alanon, here I come."

Fine fine words to hear, theres your first step hun, rediscover you. Alanon can help you with that. You can't change whats already been, but you can control you from here on out. Alanon has given me such peace from the chaos my life was for so long. I can now look back at the old days not with regret as to what I did not do but with the knowledge I did what I thought was best at the time. Hang in there, I'm glad you found us, I look foreward to seeing more of you! Hugs! Teggie

Zoey

If you were a good Mom, you have done very wonderful things to be proud of.
Perhaps see the Dr. for a complete updated checkup. (perhaps you have)
Hopefully find an Al-Anon for shareing, we need to talk face to face or on the phone, as well as coming here to this site. Health problems and being older is horrible, I know, as I have the same prob. HUGS and understanding. wish we both had answers. clancy

bjmt

Neagrm,your marriage sounds like a carbon copy of my Mothers marriage. My Dad did not drink..but his thing was avoidance and withdrawal. He never stayed home..always had other places to be or sports he had to do something with. My Mother tried to communicate with Father... got to where she would throw temper tandrums..yell...cry..and unusal go to the back step and cry her eyes out..while my Dad would simple stare at a TV screen and act like nothing was wrong or going on outside his world. After many years of this..my parents finally straightened out their lives and started to enjoy life and each other. Don't know what the change was...could have been having my brother at a late age in life..could have been less stress..or just their religious beliefs that made them closer. Whatever it was..the end result was worth the wait. My Mother passed away 7 years ago. Dad and Mom were the happiest I have never seen them.
Want to wish you good luck and thanks for posting.
Do me one favor? Take some time for yourself now..like the others have mentioned. You are special. Join AlAnon...get to know you.

Gabe

Nea,
You aren't a failure and you haven't been a wimp. Chosing to stay home and raise your children is a respectable and valuable thing to do. What you gave your kids by doing that can't be measured in dollars and cents.
Sounds like you need something that is just for you.
Figure out what lights up your life, and then do that as often as possible.
Stick around, I'm glad you're here.
Gabe

Magichappens

((Nea))
When we first admit that there is a problem, and seek help, we open up all the things we've pushed to the back of our closet. It is painful to sort through it all, decide what we are going to keep, and what we are going to let go of. But we have to start somewhere, or the closet will just go on getting messier, and more full of garbage.

It is a great idea to find an Al-Anon meeting. There are people there that are just like the people here, only with faces and hugs. Getting involved in Al-Anon gave me something that was just mine. It got me out for a while with people who were healthy. And it gave me something to look forward to.

It is painful to look over our past and see what we SHOULD have done. But we can't go back. All we can do is pick a direction and make the best of what we have, today. You are not worthless. You have just been neglected for a long time. Don't neglect yourself any longer. Find a meeting. There is a lot of love and support you can find there. Hugs, Magic