Very Confused
 

So I am coming to this site for hopes that I will get some advice and clear my head. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years, married 4 and a 2 year old daughter. I met him in college and he was a regular drinker, no more than the average college student. No red flags at the time. When I moved in with him, he would drink more than I thought he should but I was raised in a house without any alcohol so I wasn't sure if I was exaggerating. He got a DUI 5 years ago and cut back his drinking drastically.

He makes sure that he doesn't drink and drive at all. He'll go to his friend's house and only have two beers and then drink water for a few hours before he drives. The problem is that he drinks every night, 2 glasses of vodka and juice. These are strong drinks, I'd guess at least two shots in them. He doesn't get drunk from them but on occasion (about 5-8 times year) will get drunk because he is depressed or having a bad day. So while he is not being disruptive, abusive, or mean, he still has alcohol EVERY DAY. He will often smell like alcohol in his sweat, the next day. I feel like he's self medicating because he is stressed about his job (he's a bartender and HATES it), has anxiety that he's being treated for, and the usual stress that comes from life, marriage, and a toddler.

His mother is an alcoholic who has been sober for 7 years and participating in AA. She is concerned for him but is only hearing my side of the story. When I approached him about this and wanted him to quit, he said that I was overreacting and that its normal to have a few drinks each day. He did admit that he should cut back and he told me that he'd cut back to only drinking on the weekend. BUT he has yet to do that. He claims that he can't just stop cold turkey and he has successfully cut back to one drink a night for 10 days. He doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I don't think he's sneaking any. I've asked him if he thinks about drinking and he told me know. He thinks that I'm just being dramatic (which I can be at times).

My gut says that he has a problem. I don't know if I'm being biased because I've lived with an alcoholic before and my mother is the child of an alcoholic. I am going to a therapist starting on Saturday which will hopefully give me some relief and answers.

Any opinions would be great!

Therapy will be GREAT for you.

I hope you would also explore AlAnon. That program would give you some clarity and objectivity.

So, I have this discussion with my friends a lot. I was raised in a household with very limited drinking -- my parents didn't drink at all until they were in their 40s, and after that, only on special occasions (Christmas, wedding anniversary, even birthdays, etc) -- maybe 4-5 times a year at the most.

Like you, I married an alcoholic, and like you, I was told I was overreacting because "having a couple of drinks a day is normal."

Many of my friends agree. Many of them say it's a cultural difference, that in Italy and France, people have wine with meals every day and nobody thinks there's anything wrong with it.

What I've finally concluded is that I don't care one whit about what consensus is on "normal drinking" -- if someone's drinking is affecting my peace of mind and my quality of life, then it doesn't matter if the majority of the universe calls it "normal drinking." If it's something that affects my life, I have an absolute right to say "I don't want this in my life."

You can't control when, what, and how much your husband drinks. Only he can do that. What you can control is your life. Is his drinking disturbing enough to you that you would leave him over it? Is it more of a concern about what might happen down the line?

I find that when I determine what I want my life to look like first, it's easier for me to sort through the effects other people's choices and actions have on me and determine whether I want to give them and their behaviors a place in my life or not. For example, I don't want recreational drugs in my life in any way, shape, or form. Smoking pot is now legal in a few states -- but I still refuse to hang out with people who smoke pot or do other recreational drugs. That's my choice, and I have a right to make it. Whether people view drug use as "normal" or not has nothing to do with me.

If you start with the question "is this normal?" you ignore your own feelings and reactions on a subject.

Who cares if it's normal? If it's bothering you, you have a right to do something about it.

Just my .02

If it wasn't a problem he would have no issue stopping cold turkey.