meggem

I purposely picked a fight with my A. I took something that I could have been perfectly content being annoyed with and I decided to make a federal case out of it. I don’t know why. I wonder if things have been a little too quiet for me and I needed to generate something, or maybe it is because I am sort of casually dating this guy and he stopped over my house yesterday, sat on my couch and put his arm around me and it felt too relationshippy and I admit, I missed my ex.

So then, when I went to get the kids last night, I felt.. I missed him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to fall into his arms. I really did. But I didn’t. I didn’t even look up at him because I was afraid if we made eye contact I would say or do something stupid.

Then when I got home, I decided to make an issue out of something I really didn’t need to (about the kids) and he went on about how hard he has been working in recovery and if I am going to attack anything about him, please make that off limits and that he has seen the ugly in me as well (that REALLY pissed me off) and that he also has to hear about “my family” and then he indicated that he made one mistake and he my family just abandoned him and recovery this and recovery that and everyone plays a part, not just him and I hated it. I think I liked it better when he was “sorry” at least I knew I had the upper hand. Now I feel like I have no control over it anymore. Which is what should be, but I feel a sense of powerlessness. And I am. And that is how it should be too.

I found myself continuing the texting this morning. Last night I stopped. I just didn’t reply to his last message. I said from what I understand true recovery means you take full responsibility for what you have done to others and you no longer point fingers at everyone else. I stopped it again, but I have been pre-occupied all day about him/it/and thinking he thinks that I play an equal part.

I don’t think it’s the holidays because honestly I feel like I am 100 pounds lighter without him. I don’t have to worry about where I step and if a grenade is going to go off.

I don’t know.. Thanks for listening.

dandylion

meggem....I'm sorry, but I re-read your post several times....and I get very confused.....?

dandylion

meggem

you said that before dandy and I know I don't articulate well. I wish I could be as well spoken as everyone here but I guess I'm not. I'm not sure where I belong anymore, or if I even belong here. I can't seem to find my place. I know it's hard to follow me.

I feel disheartened now

meggem

I'm not even sure I belong on this board anymore. I'm not with my A anymore, he won't sign the papers so he isn't officially my EXAH. He isn't "drinking" anymore although he is not clean. I have been on my own since Early August. I'm thinking I don't belong here anymore, but I don't know where else to go.

I guess I belong in some "newly single" forum.

Kboys

HUGS MEGGEM
I think, for me, just getting it out is what is helpful. I don't articulate well often times, and I think sometimes others misunderstand what I say or what I type because of that, but that's okay. I still got a load off my shoulders, and sometimes, as I am typing, I begin to answer my own questions, and I feel better.

I know the feeling of "wondering if things are too quiet for me and I needed to generate something." Though the peace and calm is wonderful, sometimes it is just.... strange.

I've done the same thing... started an argument when one really wasn't necessary, and then beat myself up for it, and wondered why I do the things I do.

Today is a new day. Take care Meggem

meggem

thanks kboys. I think I am realizing how controlling I am. When I stop thinking about him, I am forced to look at me, and I think I am very controlling. Very. A part of me had to be controlling with his active addiction, I was in the managing role....but I feel very powerless right now. And I can tell with this new casual guy, that I am..well, I am unhealthy. I can tell by the way I think, by the things I say....

guava

Hey there! You belong here! As I understand it you basically have this built up anger towards your A. Last night it boiled over and you're feeling bad now that you couldn't keep it in check. That happens at some point to all of us.

I've found Alanon really helpful with this. For some it's "Let Go and Let God." I kind of think if it as letting go and turning things over to the fate of the universe. I've also learned about detaching with love. For some reason these two ideas really clicked with me and I find myself more of an observer than a victim now-if that makes sense. My anger has lessened and my whole outlook is so much more positive. You don't have to be currently with an active alcoholic to attend Alanon or read the literature. Your history and struggle more than qualifies you. I hope you find some peace.

guava

Double post - Sorry!

amy55

((((((((((((((((meggem)))))))))))))))))))

You belong here. You've been with us for awhile now, and I hope that you have come to trust us. So who do you talk to when we already know you're ups and downs. There were many times I felt like I didn't belong here. Wrote about that a few times also. I feel welcomed here, just like you should. This is your special place that is just for you.

Re: the above, I have gotten like that. I don't know why. I think it was a build up of all the things that I always wanted to say, but I never felt heard. It was like giving myself one more shot at trying to be heard, and not letting go of my feelings of love and hope with him.

I don't get like that anymore, but it took time !!!!!

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

happybeingme

I do that to my husband sometimes. It usually means something else is going on in my head that either I haven't consciously acknowledged or is too painful for me. So, I start a fight about something illogical.

Take a step back and sit with your feelings for a while. Try to figure out what's really going on. Than say it out loud. That's what I do. It helps me recognize and accept my feelings.

You do belong here. We all do.

meggem

Thanks Amy.. to the outside world, there was a finale and I left. My family and friends guided me and I know they think I am this pioneer for women. I did not look back, not for a second, but they had no idea of the 7 years that I went through. I kept it a secret because, you know, he was "trying" and "getting better". But when he did what he did in June - in front of my whole family, I knew I had to get out, then. That second. I would have lost my family and I would have never forgiven myself for giving him yet 'another chance' - I would have lost all respect for myself. I knew I wanted out, and in a way, that humiliating display was a blessing in disguise because the Italians circled the wagons in a big way.

But here I am, in my perfect little townhouse, with my nice job and nice friends and pretty little girls. sometimes I know exactly what I have been through and how I got here, and sometimes I feel so lost and I do wonder a lot of things..

What does this say about me. What does this mean in my life. What do I do with this? Where do I put it?

meggem

happy.. I don't seem to have the same control over him that I did. He is leaving me alone. He is doing what he should. And I think I feel lost without it. So I am trying to create conflict to get it all going again. That is what I did. And I am woman enough to admit that..

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Meggem. I think, like others have pointed out, sometimes it's easier for me to see and deal with my cr-p once I write it down. I'm glad you feel safe enough here to be able to do that.

amy55

I have been divorced for 4 years, I have my perfect cabin, my family, my cats, and good friends, and I still ask myself the same questions.

What does this say about you? It means you are a normal human being to have this questions and to question abnormal things, to try to understand yourself better so that you can make the best of your new life for yourself and your children.

I also had to let go of my anger because it did nothing to him, but it was killing me.

I am learning a lot here how to do that.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

amy55

When I first left my AH, he also left me alone, well mostly except for a few phones where he would call me, as soon as I would speak, he would tell me that he missed me until he heard my voice, then he would hang up.

I think for me, I kind of felt like I didn't mean anything to him, that he was happier in his life without me, that I no longer existed to him, and that my 27 year marriage was a joke to him. I wanted to at least know that our marriage meant something to him, and that he was as sad as I was.

This may not be the same for you, I don't know, but these were my feeling and the reason why I just wanted to explode at him

amy

suncatcher

Hi meggem, I just want to say I'm glad you are here! It doesn't matter how articulate you are ...what matters is you are getting your feelings out and that is what SR is about. A safe haven to share thoughts and setbacks and triumphs. We are all on a journey ..Some are just beginning and others are further along but we share one thing in common: there is an A in our life or there was an A in our life. You do belong here and I hope you stick around! Hugs

Cleo1234

I can relate to this very well. I was also so controlling with my xabf. I wanted to know everything that was going on so i could make sure he wasn't drinking or wasn't planning to drink. Obviously this doesn't work. Once we broke up and the communication stopped, i felt powerless as well. I think for so long i was use to waiting for the "next thing" to happen that i got use to the chaos. It really does take a while to readjust to a normal and calm life.

Hawks

My wife used to do that to me.

Essentially it puts me in the wrong when I react, then she gets to go "you see, he's an alcoholic a-hole, fancy blowing up at me?... Such a jerk.... Im just fine, it's him who has the problem and is the cause of all my misery"

If you want to work it out with him, you'll have to look at your part too and stop expecting perfection in him, his recovery and his reaction.

Your setting him up to fail and that's not right.

I think you know that deep down or you wouldn't have posted about it.

All the best with your decisions and recovery

Turtle82

I don't know what motivated you but know what it would mean if I did it. It would mean I wanted him to suffer just as much as I did and he looked just too damd happy/comfortable plus he was that way without me. I did the rejecting the first time with good reason but a bonus was that he did suffer as a result but now its feels like I'm the one being rejected (so I'm suffering again! now!) so I need to set up a situation where I can be the one doing the rejecting again. Maybe you already said that with "upper hand"... not sure... sorry if you did.

I admire your honesty and ability to show yourself emotionally. My take on being here is you need to be and are blessed with such a good place. You're going to be at this a long time with kids so, yeh, lots of people here to help you along that path plus someday you can give back.

meggem

yes turtle... I think that's it!! thanks to all for your replies also