Not sure what is going on in my head....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Meggem, at least you're nutting things out and trying to identify what's going on in your head. Some people never make it that far. Don't beat up on yourself too much; we all slip at times. As for the new possible relationship, the first one is bound to raise all sorts of emotions.
FWIW I found your original post very easy to understand.
FWIW I found your original post very easy to understand.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hi meggem.....I just read your replies....and I am a bit surprised and also feel bad that you felt disheartened by my response. That was not my motivation at all...quite the contrary!
You sounded distressed and I wanted to make a good response that might be helpful for you.
Now, this morning, after reading MY response...I can see, where it might come across as critical. So, I can now see where you felt criticized and hurt. After all, you couldn't read my mind...LOL! I should have made myself much more clear. I could have explained myself better---That is my bad!
In retrospect--what I was thinking (just assuming)....is that you would come back to me with some more details that would clarify (for me) the origin of your discontent. I was trying to conceptualize what was "eating" at you...so that I could relate to it in some way. I just wanted more detail.... Actually, what was "throwing" me, was...I was trying to figure out what significance the "casual guy" might have had to the fight that you say you picked. I say this because that was included into the same sentence where you were questioning your possible motivations.
Now, I will tell you were I got this idea. Years ago--I went through a very painful breakup with a person that I had been very much in love with. I was grieving hard! One of my ideas of trying to get over him was to date other guys to see if that would "help". I picked the most attractive guys that I could find....but, then, when I was on a date....I would just be reminded of how no one could measure up to "HIM". I would end most dates early and return home to cry myself to sleep with hurt and anger (that it didn't work out). Obviously, I got over it, eventually. I went on to find my sweet husband (who died, suddenly, during our happy marriage). But, my point, here, is that the "replacement dates" triggered a ton of angry and sad emotions for me. I handled it by crying myself to sleep. Perhaps....Now, understand, I'm just spit ballin', here....but, maybe this "casual guy" triggered some emotions in you that you reacted to by trying to re-connect with your husband in the old, familiar way. I don't know, really....I am just speculating....
What I now know is....something that I have heard here on SR....that when one door closes; Another door opens----BUT, it sure is hell while you are still in the hallway!
meggem, I hate to see you feeling bad. And, I sure wish that I had handled your post better than I did.
I hope you are feeling better, today.
(bad) dandylion
You sounded distressed and I wanted to make a good response that might be helpful for you.
Now, this morning, after reading MY response...I can see, where it might come across as critical. So, I can now see where you felt criticized and hurt. After all, you couldn't read my mind...LOL! I should have made myself much more clear. I could have explained myself better---That is my bad!
In retrospect--what I was thinking (just assuming)....is that you would come back to me with some more details that would clarify (for me) the origin of your discontent. I was trying to conceptualize what was "eating" at you...so that I could relate to it in some way. I just wanted more detail.... Actually, what was "throwing" me, was...I was trying to figure out what significance the "casual guy" might have had to the fight that you say you picked. I say this because that was included into the same sentence where you were questioning your possible motivations.
Now, I will tell you were I got this idea. Years ago--I went through a very painful breakup with a person that I had been very much in love with. I was grieving hard! One of my ideas of trying to get over him was to date other guys to see if that would "help". I picked the most attractive guys that I could find....but, then, when I was on a date....I would just be reminded of how no one could measure up to "HIM". I would end most dates early and return home to cry myself to sleep with hurt and anger (that it didn't work out). Obviously, I got over it, eventually. I went on to find my sweet husband (who died, suddenly, during our happy marriage). But, my point, here, is that the "replacement dates" triggered a ton of angry and sad emotions for me. I handled it by crying myself to sleep. Perhaps....Now, understand, I'm just spit ballin', here....but, maybe this "casual guy" triggered some emotions in you that you reacted to by trying to re-connect with your husband in the old, familiar way. I don't know, really....I am just speculating....
What I now know is....something that I have heard here on SR....that when one door closes; Another door opens----BUT, it sure is hell while you are still in the hallway!
meggem, I hate to see you feeling bad. And, I sure wish that I had handled your post better than I did.
I hope you are feeling better, today.
(bad) dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
No no no dandy I didn't take your post of confusion personally and I didn't feel that you were criticizing me, I felt that you couldn't pick up what I was putting down and that isn't something you need to apologize for. I appreciate you taking enough interest in me to say "what the hell are you trying to say??" lol
You provided some great insight and after thinking and tossing and turning last night, I have come up with a few theories.
1. Casual guy triggered feelings about my ex. having an arm put around me on a couch felt very personal and intimate and triggered better times with my ex (which was really just the "honeymoon" period..not true good times.. )
2. My ex has been quiet and has been "behaving" which is bringing MY issues right to the surface. A need to control perhaps, a need to be in chaos because I'm used to it, A need to feel something familiar because although I am much more content than I was in some ways, I can only handle so many pleasant feelings at a time before I need drama (apparently)
3. I almost thought I was stumbling onto the "did I make a mistake and do I want to get back with my ex" reservation (not completely, but I was romantizing the marriage) but after sounding out my feelings and seeing the replies, I am thinking I am left with my residual damage and am looking for a place to put it and it seems almost "logical" in my damaged little head that the solution is to gravitate back to what I am used to. Him. But that is coming from a place of discomfort and uncertainty I guess which belongs to me, not to my ex.
That is what I am thinking..
You provided some great insight and after thinking and tossing and turning last night, I have come up with a few theories.
1. Casual guy triggered feelings about my ex. having an arm put around me on a couch felt very personal and intimate and triggered better times with my ex (which was really just the "honeymoon" period..not true good times.. )
2. My ex has been quiet and has been "behaving" which is bringing MY issues right to the surface. A need to control perhaps, a need to be in chaos because I'm used to it, A need to feel something familiar because although I am much more content than I was in some ways, I can only handle so many pleasant feelings at a time before I need drama (apparently)
3. I almost thought I was stumbling onto the "did I make a mistake and do I want to get back with my ex" reservation (not completely, but I was romantizing the marriage) but after sounding out my feelings and seeing the replies, I am thinking I am left with my residual damage and am looking for a place to put it and it seems almost "logical" in my damaged little head that the solution is to gravitate back to what I am used to. Him. But that is coming from a place of discomfort and uncertainty I guess which belongs to me, not to my ex.
That is what I am thinking..
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
meggem, from reading the posts and knowing a bit about your story, I think all three theories are valid.
Knowing what's going on "behind the scenes" emotionally, however, is the beginning of changing the behavior--which is the good news.
I recall going through the same thing trying to change my enabling relationship with my alcoholic mother.
There is also a considerable amount of discomfort, which you are feeling also, as you really begin to "grok" (anybody read Robert Heinlein anymore?) your role in all of it.
["Grok" is a great invented word--defined here]
Grok - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
This, in short, seems all a part of the healing and processing phase and is progress if you work through it instead of glossing over it.
You do the work, as you are, you get the benefit, which you will in the end. . .
Happy Holidays meggem
Knowing what's going on "behind the scenes" emotionally, however, is the beginning of changing the behavior--which is the good news.
I recall going through the same thing trying to change my enabling relationship with my alcoholic mother.
There is also a considerable amount of discomfort, which you are feeling also, as you really begin to "grok" (anybody read Robert Heinlein anymore?) your role in all of it.
["Grok" is a great invented word--defined here]
Grok - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
This, in short, seems all a part of the healing and processing phase and is progress if you work through it instead of glossing over it.
You do the work, as you are, you get the benefit, which you will in the end. . .
Happy Holidays meggem
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
maggem....I think I get where you are coming from, now. Actually, I kind of l ike what happybeingme said about "sitting with your feelings" and trying to get to the bottom of them. Issues and patterns that have existed for a long time don't usually get resolved overnight!
I know that, for me, I have had to struggle (more like alligator wrestling) with some issues before I finally was able to resolve them. Usually, my clarity has come in bits and spurts--inter-spaced with some mini-relapses along the way. I think that if we work hard enough and long enough we finally do get there, though.
Do not despair.....you are still swimming a big river...but you WILL get to the other shore...
dandylion
I know that, for me, I have had to struggle (more like alligator wrestling) with some issues before I finally was able to resolve them. Usually, my clarity has come in bits and spurts--inter-spaced with some mini-relapses along the way. I think that if we work hard enough and long enough we finally do get there, though.
Do not despair.....you are still swimming a big river...but you WILL get to the other shore...
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Megge.....YOU BELONG HERE! We love you and I think you articulate just fine!
Now, I have to say, I get what you are saying. The conflict was the familiar for you for so long, now that it's changing you don't know what to do with yourself. I completely get it. I think I caused conflict for a while just because I did not know any other way. I had to become comfortable in my own skin again.
Tight, tight hugs and much love coming your way. Don't you even think about not coming back!!!!!
XXX
Now, I have to say, I get what you are saying. The conflict was the familiar for you for so long, now that it's changing you don't know what to do with yourself. I completely get it. I think I caused conflict for a while just because I did not know any other way. I had to become comfortable in my own skin again.
Tight, tight hugs and much love coming your way. Don't you even think about not coming back!!!!!
XXX
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Meggem, I think that you ARE very articulate. That wasn't what was going on in your first post at all - - it was that you had not figured out yet what triggered you to act the way you acted.
For me, now two and a half years out of my twenty year marriage, I have gone through, and continue to go through many stages in my recovery. The first stage after I left (and it lasted a long time) was on what he did - initially just trying to figure out what damage had been done to me, then focusing on him and wondering how he could have done such terrible things to someone he had loved so much.
The next stage, for me, was beginning to feel uncomfortable about my own behavior, then really intensively sorting through what part of the equation I had been. I think your series of posts in this thread show that is where you are heading. I found it to be the most revealing and ultimately freeing part of my journey toward recovery. I might wonder now, if your new BF is, in some ways, a stand in for your STBXAH, and receives some of the simmering emotion that you still have about your husband.
Here's a link to a post I made a couple of months ago about the process my own recovery has taken.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rd-health.html
Everyone is different, and I hope that it is helpful for you to read the path I've taken, continue to take.
ShootingStar1
For me, now two and a half years out of my twenty year marriage, I have gone through, and continue to go through many stages in my recovery. The first stage after I left (and it lasted a long time) was on what he did - initially just trying to figure out what damage had been done to me, then focusing on him and wondering how he could have done such terrible things to someone he had loved so much.
The next stage, for me, was beginning to feel uncomfortable about my own behavior, then really intensively sorting through what part of the equation I had been. I think your series of posts in this thread show that is where you are heading. I found it to be the most revealing and ultimately freeing part of my journey toward recovery. I might wonder now, if your new BF is, in some ways, a stand in for your STBXAH, and receives some of the simmering emotion that you still have about your husband.
Here's a link to a post I made a couple of months ago about the process my own recovery has taken.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rd-health.html
Everyone is different, and I hope that it is helpful for you to read the path I've taken, continue to take.
ShootingStar1
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