XanderCruz

I found text messages on my boyfriend’s (now ex) cell phone. They were conversations with other girls, heavily clad with naked pictures.

Some back story: I’m pregnant with his son. We are both in our mid 20’s, unmarried. We were together for a year before I got pregnant. Prior to the pregnancy, everyone in my life was supportive of my relationship with him. He was fun, and seemed to put me firsts in his life. He was easily the closest, most intimate boyfriend I’d ever had.

After I got pregnant, he was still supportive, but over time he started to drift away. Now that I couldn’t be by his side at the bar each night, he was becoming shadier and shadier about his whereabouts. He would even lie and say he was at work, and I’d hear from friends that he was at the bar. I’d get angry and give him the silent treatment for a few days, then we’d make up.

Then, he wouldn’t move into my apartment to support me during my pregnancy, even after I told him he didn’t have to pay rent. He opted to stay at home and live with his enabling parents. I begged them to intervene- to kick him out or force him to pay rent, but they wouldn’t listen.

The night I found the texts, he was hammered drunk. He got abusive and told me that all of these girls are better than me, and that he hopes I kill myself so that he doesn’t have to be responsible for the baby.

That was it, I was done. I got an emergency PFA against him.

I still can’t wrap my mind around what has happened. Can someone explain this to me? What did I do to cause this? What can I expect to happen next? Especially once the baby is due/after the baby is born?

Florence

Hey there. Be easy on yourself. It's not about you, and not about the baby.

Babies are a wonderful blessing, and no matter what he does or doesn't do, women have babies alone every day and do just fine. I have two kids, different fathers, and I'm a white collar professional at an international organization. I have bad history in choosing relationships, but that doesn't define me. Today I date and work and have hobbies and have an awesome home life with both kids. It took some work and a lot of distance from my alcoholic ex and his enabling family. It took a lot of work to look at myself and figure out how not to end up here again.

I started posting here when I was pregnant with my DD3. My XAH lost multiple jobs, lied to me, stole money, leeched off of me, ran away for nights at a time, and always came back full of promises when he needed something. My entire life eventually revolved around whether he was drinking, and I finally kicked him out when I figured out he was trying to care for our infant daughter while we was loaded.

Based on what I've seen and experienced, there's not a whole lot more to expect. If he's drinking, he's drinking. If he's committed to a party life, that's where his focus is. He might make promises and vow to change his life and be a good partner to you, but those are just words. Watch his actions. Do his actions match his words? Can he sustain changes over long periods of time, or are his promises dependent on your forgiveness?

Based on what you've said, I'd proceed like he wasn't around at all.

maia1234

XC- I am sorry that you are dealing with this especially when pregnant. You will read and see that you have no control over your A's drinking. So silent or any other treatment will not work. He is an A and until he is ready to accept he is an Alcoholic, you are going to have to take care of you. He is not going to and don't expect him to be able to do that as he can't take care of himself.

So what can you do for you since you can not help him. You can keep reading SR, you can go to open AA meeting and alanon meetings. You can read co-dependant no more as its an amazing book to help you not enable him.

Please take care of you and your baby. Let him go and maybe he will see you don't need him anymore and then maybe he might seek sobriety....

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

NWGRITS

You didn't do anything to cause this. He's an A doing what A's do. It sounds like he was happy with your enabling when you were his drinking buddy, because he could drink undisturbed. Doesn't seem like there was much of a real relationship there to start with. I've been there with relationships that were built on quicksand foundations instead of solid ground. You've gotten pregnant and distanced yourself from the partying lifestyle, so now the reality of who he is has been magnified. You didn't do anything wrong and you can't change him. The baby isn't going to do anything as far as getting him to stop drinking. Babies don't turn A's into model parents. Just the opposite, actually. It will create more of a rift and leave you resentful - unless you choose to work a program of recovery yourself to help you get better. It's possible for you to find the root cause of your picking an A for a partner. You can grow and become healthy and raise a healthy, well-adjusted child. Alcoholic homes are horrible places for children. You can do this on your own, but remember that you're never truly alone. You have us here and the wonderful fellowship of Al-Anon, should you choose to attend meetings. All the best to you and your baby.

shakeitoff

I was in your exact shoes three years ago. I wish I had made the choice to leave and be on my own. Instead I had the idea that I and a baby would change him. It didn't. In fact it is worse now because I now have a child to protect from my AH. My child did not chose to have an AF I chose it for her. No one can tell you what to do but I can tell you a baby does not change an alcoholic.

ShootingStar1

ZanderCruz, I think in the early days with him, you were Wendy to his Peter Pan - flying together where ever you wanted, having exciting adventures, neither of you responsible for anything except having fun together. This can be the nature of an early relationship; it's nothing you did wrong.

Now you are a mother-to-be, and you are serious and ready to move to another stage of life as a mother and adult with a family and he still wants to be Peter Pan.

Besides that, and more importantly, he appears to have a serious problem with drinking as well as wanting a bevvy of women who give him sex in his life. Both of these issues are deeper than and more pernicious than just being a young carefree man without responsibilities. If he is an alcoholic, and if he is addicted to sex, you are dealing with a man with serious issues that would take a huge amount of commitment and guts to recover from. He hasn't shown any of that and he has made it clear that he doesn't intend to.

This is not a problem with you; it is a problem within him and one he is clearly choosing to not deal with. His comment that he hopes you kill yourself so that he isn't responsible for a baby is beyond cruel. It is pathological, and had you, even without a baby, married him, I suspect that he would have seen the marriage as such an impediment to his lifestyle that he might have been quite cruel and abusive.

Do you have a therapist and do you go to a group like Alanon? You've taken the actions you need to take with the support of your family to go on with your life. Now it is time to get support and counsel so that your feelings can catch up with your actions.

You've gotten great advice here, and you've been welcomed as a "family member" to SR and a family that understands what you're going through. I hope you'll come back as often as you want. You can have a great and happy life with your new baby, and given his attitude and actions, it will probably be much better without him.

ShootingStar1

Hope7726

You did nothing to cause this! It's who he is and who he would be even if you weren't around. Your bf knew that if he moved in with you, you would see just how bad his behavior is and how much he lies. Your relationship was fun for him before but now he is expected to act like an adult and he's not ready for that.

You made an excellent choice by obtaining a protection order. I'm sorry you had to do that and I know this is terrible but make your baby a priority. Do you want a drunk person handling her? Telling you he will come visit the baby or take care of her and then not show up? Be in her life and then suddenly disappear one day? Those are all very real possibilities. It's so unfortunate but our love cannot change other people's behavior. Even having a child doesn't change a lot of people.

I agree, seek the support of Al-Anon and some type of counselor. I hope you have good family and friends you can lean on. Most importantly, do not blame yourself. It has nothing to do with you, as difficult as that is to understand.

XanderCruz

I am seeing a therapist. My intuition told me to start seeing one literally a week before the incident. We've only had two sessions, so I haven't felt much relief yet. I regret not starting the sessions sooner. Perhaps it could have helped me walk away sooner... who knows.

I feel that dating an A was like dating two different people. When he was sober (first thing in the morning) he would get up, make me breakfast, pack me a lunch for work, treat me well. Then that would fall to the wayside around 5pm. I now look back on those moments and I see that he was probably just feeling guilty for the cheating and lying and mental abuse, and that none of his "good boyfriend" moments were authentic.

I, aslo, had asked us to both delete our facebooks when I found out I was pregnant so that I could control who knew. I see now that that was his perfect ticket to cheat because he could then tell people that he was single.

I'm still trying to put logic behind this all. Every morning is rough still. Like a huge void that grows deeper and deeper. When will I feel okay again?

Florence

Take some smaller steps. Get through the day. Take a bath, eat something really good, be extra nice to yourself. Go to bed early. Talk to a friend. Focus on taking care of yourself and being super healthy and comfortable. With the stress in your life, this in itself will probably be a challenge. Continue seeing the therapist.

This is a period of enormous transition. Coming back from feeling terrible about your life is a matter of making small changes to care for you regardless of whatever else is happening in your life. Submit to the process and it will work in your favor.

dandylion

Building on what Florence just said....do you have any plans for the delivery and post-partum period, in terms of practical support? Perhaps a relative or close friend to stay with you during labor and delivery? Someone to stay with--or stay with you and the baby when you come home? This should be a time in your life that you can look back on with happy memories, for you and your baby. Do NOT let him rob you of this joy in your life!!

Trust me, as one who has delivered 3 of my own....and helped lots of other women deliver....supportive nurturning help at the time of birth is soooo essential. I am sure that every other mother will agree with this, also.
If there ever was a time to love yourself and put your immediate needs first---this is it, babe!

dandylion

theuncertainty

First: Good for you! on being done, and taking the step to get a PFA. Of knowing you don't want to be and won't be treated that way.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm glad you're reaching out for support. You did _nothing_ to cause him to be an immature, abusive a--. It is, unfortunately, who he is, especially while he continues to drink.

There really isn't any logic behind addiction. I tried so hard to make sense out of AXH's drinking and abuse. And while he may have had some sort of 'reason' for doing whatever he's doing, I think it'd be so convoluted that it wouldn't make sense to me.

It's rough. It hurts when a relationship ends. But please know, it's not a void in you. Your heart may be broken, but you're not empty or missing a piece of you now.

For myself, I _started_ feeling OK again, once I learned to pay attention to what I wanted and needed. It was a pretty tough lesson to learn, I was so used to trying to take care of AXH and our relationship, that I'd ignored my own needs for a long time.

Take care of yourself. Deep breath. You're going to be OK. You already are. (((hugs)))

NWGRITS

Time and distance are going to help you feel better. Therapy will be incredibly beneficial, too. Concentrate on this blessing you have growing inside of you. You have the opportunity to give this child everything it wouldn't have if you stayed with your ex. I had my first child by a man I'd known for five hours. FIVE HOURS. I'm an Adult Child of an alcoholic, and that kind of relationship was what I felt I deserved. I was treated like sh*t and had two babies with him. Do I wish my older kids had a normal, non-assholeish father? Absolutely. But you know what? I love them both to the moon and back, and my now-husband is a strong, stable man who is the perfect role model for them. He's good for me, too. Of course, my own recovery work helped me to choose a supportive, loving partner.

Anyway, I'm still working on my first cup of coffee and staring at my wreck of a kitchen while I try to put together coherent thoughts for you, so I apologize if I don't make sense. My point is: you deserve better. You deserve love and happiness and being able to raise your child without wondering how badly s/he is screwed up by their A father. You can do this, I promise. We're here to help you every step of the way.

XanderCruz

And how do I talk myself out of wanting to contact him and his family? (The PFA has already ended... it was only for the weekend.)

I know that it's the only way to get away from him - by cutting off all ties, but I so desperately want to hear from him. I hate myself for it.

XanderCruz

And how do I talk myself out of wanting to contact him and his family? (The PFA has already ended... it was only for the weekend.)

I know that it's the only way to get away from him - by cutting off all ties, but I so desperately want to hear from him. I hate myself for it.

XanderCruz

And how do I talk myself out of wanting to contact him and his family? (The PFA has already ended... it was only for the weekend.)

I know that it's the only way to get away from him - by cutting off all ties, but I so desperately want to hear from him. I hate myself for it.

lillamy

Good for you!!!

About a month after I left my alcoholic husband, I got a call from a woman I knew only superficially. Her story was very similar to yours: She was in her 20s, 9 months pregnant and her husband had all of a sudden decided that he wasn't ready to settle down and be a husband and a parent.

She basically said "here's your coat and there's the door." Far as I know, he's still out there chasing skirt in the bars and getting drunk.

She, however, made sure to get him to sign away parental rights legally before the baby was even born. She then packed up and left town, started a new life, with a new job, new city, new friends. Both she and the baby (who's no longer a baby but will be a Kindergartner next fall) are doing absolutely great.

The mom said it was heartbreaking and hard to admit that she had completely misjudged the character of the man she decided to have a baby with -- but that "once I realized that mistake, I went about to correct it." Yes, it hurts. But you have a precious baby on the way, and I can guarantee you that your heart will grow to love that child more than you ever thought it possible to love another human being.

And when that happens, you will also understand, and maybe even have compassion with the sorry excuse for a man who chose to not be an adult and protect his woman and child.

SparkleKitty

First, stop hating yourself. It is natural to want to dig deep into denial once you understand what is really going on. The Hollywood fairy tale where people suddenly become relationship material is so much nicer. But the way we talk to ourselves can be devastating -- and isn't life devastating enough without adding negative self-talk into the mix?

Second, try distracting yourself by reading posts in this forum as well as the Alcoholism and, especially, the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum. Understanding what you are choosing not to live with or subject your child to should stiffen your resolve.

Third, spend time with people who love you and bring out the best in you. Get used to how that feels. It can make all the difference.

Sending you strength and hugs. Lots of hugs.

Hope7726

Don't hate yourself for it. Just because you know going no contact is the right thing to do doesn't mean you want it. But it IS the right thing. Blocking his number, email, FB, etc. are all good things to do when going NC. Even blocking family members as well, or at least deleting them.

Make a list of the things he has said and done that you find most hurtful and most anger-inducing. Carry it with you, post it on the fridge, put it in your phone, whatever - and look at it when you want to reach out to him. It's not healthy to focus on those things forever but it can help you through NC.

Let those closest to you know that you have decided to go NC and you might need their help sometimes. Telling other people makes it real, and makes you accountable. Also, if any of those people have some type of contact with him, they will know that you do not need any information about what he is doing.

The longer you maintain no contact, the easier it becomes and then it turns into the norm. I look at it as being in recovery from your own addiction. You take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. Each day that goes by with no contact, you have accumulated more "clean time" and as that time builds up, you can feel the impact and you are proud of yourself.

least

I'd advise you not to contact him at all. Let him go. He's proven he's not trustworthy or loving and you don't need his garbage. I was a single mother and it can be done. Take good care of yourself and let that scum go.

maia1234

If you want to reach out to him and call him, post on SR. Tell us what you want to say and then see our responses. After that, then you can do what you need to do.

One hour at a time. Don't put pressure on yourself. Reach out for help. There is so many kind women who would help you in a minute.

I divorced my X about 40 days ago. I had surgery about 20 days ago. My X had to help get my RX because I felt I had no one. I went to my Christmas Bunko party last night and got reprimanded by my friends that I need to reach out to them for help that they are there for me. I Also was invited to 3 different homes for Christmas afternoon because my kids will be with there father.

Women are amazing, they will help you in anything you need. Better then the BF would ever be!! Merry Christmas to you all!!