Im annoyed with myself for being sad...
 

I got engaged on Xmas to xAH...

And it has been sad the last few years and is sad this year too leading up to xmas bc my memories of xmas with him are wrapped up in remembering that...

He proposed at my moms, with all my family around. That is still where I go for xmas so I feel like I am hit with all these memories year after year.

My kids love being there for xmas so I am going, despite wishing I could skip it.

And I know that in time I wont be sad, but once again it has hit me hard, that all the hopes, dreams etc... I had that xmas we got engaged, not only never happened but the antithesis of them all came true.

There is nothing to be done to fix this or change it-- it is what it is-- I am sad, I wish life had turned out differently and having xmas day be the day I got engaged kind of sucks bc it is tainted.


And on top of being sad about this, my best friend, who vascillates between whining about the men in her life and painting them as amazing and perfect, wants to talk endlessly about how amazing the formerly jerk boyfriend is and I just DONT want to hear it.

I am down and not in the mood to hear about her giddy rollercoaster relationship that is on an upswing right now.

Just having a pitty party for myself I guess...

I'm here and there. This is the first Christmas in a long time where I haven't felt like crap (knock on wood). We got engaged on Christmas too.

You know what I think about it today? Getting sprung with a ring and a surprise on Christmas morning with the whole family standing around on pins and needles ready to cheer and cry if you say yes? TERRIBLE SCENE. Next dude who springs a public proposal on me gets a big fat no.

This year, I'm making it ALL ABOUT MY KIDS. Literally, it is all about my kids. I will ferry them around and spoil them and have fun with them, and if everything else doesn't suck, hey, that's great. I bought myself a couple of nice things that I wanted, and expect nothing from anyone else. My BFF got me a lovely bracelet in a style I adore. I was going to take my kids out to buy for me and each other, but then I ran out of money.

I have been straight up with my family -- "I'm not coming over to your house to watch everyone else unwrap presents while I sit there empty-handed again this year." Because that's what I normally do. I volunteered to cook a couple of dishes for dinner, took time off of work, then that's it.

Let yourself off the hook a little bit! Practice some radical acceptance. Your FOO has some problems, yeah? They will probably always have these problems, it's not about you. Find some time to take really good care of yourself and feel bittersweet over some of those bittersweet memories. This is life, the messy, terrible, awesome stuff, all rolled into one.

And if all else fails, take advantage of the "I have to go to Walgreen's!" trick on Christmas to get away for a few. Christmas toys always need batteries.

LOL!....I have always wondered why people do important things like getting engaged on major holidays??! People do this very thing in huge numbers! On Christmas;Valentine's day; New Year's Eve;birthdays.... Some even get marrifed on holidays....yeek!
It must be that the hormones give a feeling of indestructability.

ScaredySquirrel...Vow to not give this guy more than 5minutes of your head space on Christmas. You can do it!!!

dandylion

Big hugs to you. I think big holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, it hits me more, too, the whole "broken family, broken people" thing. I think we all want the Saturday Evening Post perfection -- smiling children, steaming puddings, perfectly cooked turkey. And I can imagine that having that engagement memory as part of it just makes it harder. (((hugs)))

You will make new memories. And the old ones will fade. In the meantime, I wish you as much peace as is possible.

I think to be honest, part of why he did the big public engagement was as much for his pleasure as mine... Probably more him...

He wanted the accolades of being wonderful.

Sucky for me it has wrecked xmas since...

Sigh...

I am so sorry. My only piece of advise is to go and have a wonderful time. Replace those memories with new and happy ones!

XXX

The holidays are the toughest time of the year for many people. A big hug to you.

It's ok to be sad, I'm feeling it too. I like to recite some of the 'just for todays' from Al Anon in my head when I feel they are useful. The one about "I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I have to keep it up for a lifetime" comes to mind. Take it one day, one minute at a time. Hugs to you today!

Life sure isn't like the movies... especially the Christmas ones... where people love one another and everything turns out all warm and fuzzy. Many people get down this time of year because they're dwelling on how it "should" be instead of how it is actually containing some lovely things they miss out on because of that yard stick. The people who shared in your happiness that Christmas are still the same people.

One particular thing jumped out at me as I read your post and I'm not sure I understand what you said. Is the "jerk boyfriend" hers or your x-fiance? If its your X, then I wouldn't call her a best friend. Sorry JMHO there. But either way the way you describe her is what I called boy-crazy in high school... I guess its man-crazy when our bodies get bigger. Can you redirect the conversation to something with a bit more substance?

It is my best friend who has a jerky boyfriend... one min he is giving the silent treatment... the next all is well and she is saying his antics arent all that bad...

Im just triggered by her willingness to tolerate BS from men to avoid being alone... It's more my issue than her.

And yes, I have told her I cant listen to the rollercoaster nonsense anymore and so now it is me getting the silent treatment for having said that.

Just a sad time of year for me... and many I know.

Thanks to all for listening.