My XABF committed suicide
Behold the power of NO
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
My XABF committed suicide
If you read my posts, I often share my experience living in a DV relationship with my XABF which ultimately led me to Al Anon.
A few months ago out of the blue (and after over a decade of no contact) I got a weird feeling and decided to look up my XABF on FB. I found out that he had passed away a couple of days before.
On a whim, I messaged his younger sister and shared with her that I used to live with him, that he always spoke highly of her, how talented he was and that he was not a bad person but he had a bad disease and that I was praying he finally found in death the peace he could not find in life.
It was quite healing and once I pushed that send button, I felt like the last unprocessed anger I had toward him was gone (I had never done a 9th step with him).
I just let it go not expecting a response.
I knew deep down that his alcoholism killed him but not the exact circumstances.
I just got a message back today. I don't even know how to process it: I feel numb but I know that I need to share.
This was someone that I once loved very much and with whom I shared dreams then alcoholism and abuse destroyed everything and turned the love I felt into hatred. It took me a lot of work to be able to let that hatred go and that relationship really changed me.
So I am numb, I don't know how I should be feeling but I feel cold inside.
A few months ago out of the blue (and after over a decade of no contact) I got a weird feeling and decided to look up my XABF on FB. I found out that he had passed away a couple of days before.
On a whim, I messaged his younger sister and shared with her that I used to live with him, that he always spoke highly of her, how talented he was and that he was not a bad person but he had a bad disease and that I was praying he finally found in death the peace he could not find in life.
It was quite healing and once I pushed that send button, I felt like the last unprocessed anger I had toward him was gone (I had never done a 9th step with him).
I just let it go not expecting a response.
I knew deep down that his alcoholism killed him but not the exact circumstances.
I just got a message back today. I don't even know how to process it: I feel numb but I know that I need to share.
This was someone that I once loved very much and with whom I shared dreams then alcoholism and abuse destroyed everything and turned the love I felt into hatred. It took me a lot of work to be able to let that hatred go and that relationship really changed me.
So I am numb, I don't know how I should be feeling but I feel cold inside.
Hi, I am just now seeing this.
It for some reason went into my "other" box...
I'm so glad to hear from you and to hear that at least there were some good and dear moments.
I actually past my teens had very little contact with him for similar reasons and so was thrilled when he re-appeared again in 2012. A few great times were had in this period and I'm thankful we were able to reconnect.
I'll let you know that >his name< threw himself in front of an A train and somehow survived for a couple of months. We helped him pass on as he had wished and I do hope that he has found peace. I suspect he has.
Sending you my best, he was such a tremendous photographer, he speaks of my talent, his was 10 fold.
Warmly,
It for some reason went into my "other" box...
I'm so glad to hear from you and to hear that at least there were some good and dear moments.
I actually past my teens had very little contact with him for similar reasons and so was thrilled when he re-appeared again in 2012. A few great times were had in this period and I'm thankful we were able to reconnect.
I'll let you know that >his name< threw himself in front of an A train and somehow survived for a couple of months. We helped him pass on as he had wished and I do hope that he has found peace. I suspect he has.
Sending you my best, he was such a tremendous photographer, he speaks of my talent, his was 10 fold.
Warmly,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Carlotta
I am SO sorry.
I often say that my ex is committing suicide in increments because of his substance abuse. I know your story is totally different than this.
Keeping you and his family in my prayers today.
I am SO sorry.
I often say that my ex is committing suicide in increments because of his substance abuse. I know your story is totally different than this.
Keeping you and his family in my prayers today.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Carlotta,
I am so sorry to hear of this. I wish the sister had not shared how he ended his life. He obviously lived with a lot of pain. Please try to embrace the fact he is at peace now. You both can move on.
I am so sorry to hear of this. I wish the sister had not shared how he ended his life. He obviously lived with a lot of pain. Please try to embrace the fact he is at peace now. You both can move on.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, Carlotta,
Hugs. Many, many hugs. I'm so sorry--this is such a tragic disease. It's so sad that with all the help there is to be had, so many still lose their lives. And it's worse than having just any terminal illness, this one robs the sufferers of the love and support of their families.
I'm glad you found some peace once you sent the message. You can get that back. Whether he committed suicide or died of cirrhosis or in a drunk driving accident, it's still a loss. The precise manner of death doesn't have to change the peace you found as a result of forgiveness and letting go.
And its obvious that your message brought great comfort to his sister. Hold onto that, too.
I'm so sorry.
Hugs. Many, many hugs. I'm so sorry--this is such a tragic disease. It's so sad that with all the help there is to be had, so many still lose their lives. And it's worse than having just any terminal illness, this one robs the sufferers of the love and support of their families.
I'm glad you found some peace once you sent the message. You can get that back. Whether he committed suicide or died of cirrhosis or in a drunk driving accident, it's still a loss. The precise manner of death doesn't have to change the peace you found as a result of forgiveness and letting go.
And its obvious that your message brought great comfort to his sister. Hold onto that, too.
I'm so sorry.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Carlotta,
I am so sorry also. What you did by sending that email to his sister was truly a gift for her to keep. You spoke kindly of him and her. It's so often that we just keep the bad things in our hearts so that we can let go, but it does mean so much to family to remember the good times also. You gave that family a gift.
Her response to you, the way I took it was an acknowledgement of what you went thru, and that she understood, but also a thank you to you, for keeping him in your heart.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
I am so sorry also. What you did by sending that email to his sister was truly a gift for her to keep. You spoke kindly of him and her. It's so often that we just keep the bad things in our hearts so that we can let go, but it does mean so much to family to remember the good times also. You gave that family a gift.
Her response to you, the way I took it was an acknowledgement of what you went thru, and that she understood, but also a thank you to you, for keeping him in your heart.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I am so sorry for your loss.
I don't think that she is working a program.... Not sure why she needed to tell you so vividly how he passed. Sounds like she still has some issues with her brother. Glad they reconnected before he passed
If only we could love them into sobriety. May God take care of him now.
I don't think that she is working a program.... Not sure why she needed to tell you so vividly how he passed. Sounds like she still has some issues with her brother. Glad they reconnected before he passed
If only we could love them into sobriety. May God take care of him now.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't think we should be too hard on his sister for sharing how he died. She's working through her own grief--she doesn't need to bottle it up inside for the sake of protecting other people. Suicide hurts the families so much.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I did not mean to put down the sister. I know for myself finding out the manner just gives a visual which can complicate things.
I hope the sister knows peace and love in her memories after they reconnected.
Much love for you as well Carlotta.
I hope the sister knows peace and love in her memories after they reconnected.
Much love for you as well Carlotta.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Carlotta....I think that the numbness that you feel is the initial shock that we feel when we receive shocking news of this kind.I am so sorry. And, I am glad that you were able to be a measure of comfort for his sister.
dandylion
. How heartbreaking to get that newd & the reply from his sister is so tragic. Such a horrid cruel disease this is
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Its gotta be a lil hard getting that a d hard to process,mbut here's something to think about:
She was glad to hear from yu and that there were some good and dear moment... I'm thinkin you helped that woman out a bit.
I'm thinking you should be feeling exactly as yu are at this moment.
But please dont try to break out the arse kikin machine.
She was glad to hear from yu and that there were some good and dear moment... I'm thinkin you helped that woman out a bit.
I'm thinking you should be feeling exactly as yu are at this moment.
But please dont try to break out the arse kikin machine.
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