The Tables Have Turned
 

Last night I was discharged and came home from the hospital. My daughters were SO SO excited to see me. We did FaceTime a lot but it doesn't even compare to having them in my arms. When we got home, I was in for a surprise. My home was in a cleaner state (like much, much, much cleaner - he got me some cute desk organizer for my office) than I had left it and he had already fed our daughters dinner (baked salmon, quinoa and roasted carrots - he was really excited to show me the leftovers of his very successful and healthy dinner), and had taken the care to wash my sheets, my comforter and duvet before I returned home. He promptly made me a cup of tea and made sure that I had all of my medicine needs covered.

Last night I had insisted that he take this weekend to take care of himself, he's spent the whole week being a stay-at-home-dad (while I've been in the hospital) and still doing his own work and somehow finding time to do all of this cleaning and organizing (who knew this guy could organize?!). He flat out refused. He said that he thinks that I'm downplaying my own pain and he wants to take care of me. This morning he arrived right after our kids woke up (with Starbucks in hand only for me) and I was immensely grateful, I felt like my eyes were going to explode out of my head, my migraine was so fierce. This afternoon he let me nap and came in after 3 hours only because he was worried that I might feel worse than I was letting on to and wanted to know if I needed to see a doctor. This evening he waited to leave until it was time for me to take my medicine again because he was afraid I'd fall asleep and forget to take it.

This is really new vulnerable territory for me. I do need his help and he's being so gentle and thoughtful and sweet to me, he's taken such excellent care of our kids and our home and apparently himself this week. He's utilized our babysitter (even purchased a Christmas card and gave it to her this week - it was on my to do list and he did it without complaint. In fact, he hasn't complained about anything and it must be so stressful to have your wife sick, and away and then jump into caring for both of your kids full time.) and he took our oldest to speech therapy and kept all meals allergy free for our youngest. I keep worrying that I'm getting in the way of his program, but then remind myself that his program is his. I do need his help but I feel guilty for accepting it. It's like I really, really had myself thoroughly convinced that I was superwoman and now being offered help (and worse, accepting it) makes me feel like a fraud.

I don't know how to deal with not operating at 100% and actually needing help. After both of my c-sections I went home the next day and was back to running less than 2 weeks after my kids were born. My doctor says now I can't run for AT LEAST 3 weeks. And how do I repay my husband? How do I repay my sponsor? How do I repay my friends? I feel so uncomfortable with this attention. I also keep thinking that my husband's codependent side is coming out in full force right now but again, his problems and his program are his. He seems happy (and says as much) to be helping out as much as he is, although, I know he must just get home and collapse on his bed. He does admit that he is wiped out. Yeah, I can empathize with that.

I like fixing things. I do not like being the thing that needs fixing.

Great turnaround Stung. As for interfering with his program, well this is his program isn't it? Although he's being wonderful, don't forget that many working mothers so exactly the same thing without praise. I firmly believe, based on my own experience, that the more you contribute to the family or whatever endeavour you undertake, the more empowered you become. I hope it feels like this for him as well. He's learning what he's capable of, and that's got to be a source of strength and self-confidence for him.

As for you, don't push it, give yourself time to really recover for everyone's sake. Hope you have a positive and restful Christmas.

Glad you're feeling better.
Stung, there is no "repaying" here. No one is keeping a tally. You were sick. Your husband stepped up. That's how it works. You kept the home fires burning while he was sick, didn't you? That's a marriage right there.
Happy holidays to you and your awesome family. Take care.

Ah Stung. So delighted to see you fired up and posting.

This is your lesson I think. Accepting help with grace. From your sponsor, your friends AND your H! You don't 'repay' these people who truly care about you and your girls. This is just what good, kind, generous people do.

Sit in bed, drink tea, and just be....

Perhaps this is what recovery looks like?

Glad you are home.

Yup, glad you're home. Let others do for you, for a change.

This IS part of his program.

Ditto to all of the above, there isn't much I can add, but I'm so glad for you and your family that you are back home. Enjoy people blessing you this Christmas with their help when you need it the most -- it isn't a sin, it is truly a blessing so embrace it!
Merry, Merry Christmas Stung!

So happy to hear that you're home! Any word on a diagnosis?

Get out of my head lady! This is how I feel too.

Just like I, and I assume you too, genuinely want to help the ones I love when they are in need, so do your friends, husband, and sponsor. I don't expect to be repaid, and neither do they. It's kind of like a favor in the bank, someday when they need, you can give.

It's uncomfortable for me too, makes me feel very vulnerable, and as a fellow super woman, I just don't like to feel that way.

Oh yes!

I'm so glad your husband has been there for you. This shows real progress on his part, and if anyone should be there to support you, it's great that it could be him.

I hope you and your family have a great Christmas!

Hugs!

So happy to hear that you're home! Any word on a diagnosis?

Get out of my head lady! This is how I feel too.

Just like I, and I assume you too, genuinely want to help the ones I love when they are in need, so do your friends, husband, and sponsor. I don't expect to be repaid, and neither do they. It's kind of like a favor in the bank, someday when they need, you can give.

It's uncomfortable for me too, makes me feel very vulnerable, and as a fellow super woman, I just don't like to feel that way.

Oh yes!

I'm so glad your husband has been there for you. This shows real progress on his part, and if anyone should be there to support you, it's great that it could be him.

I hope you and your family have a great Christmas!

Hugs!

You don't "repay" this is what healthy marriage looks like.

Perhaps is also signifying that Stung should step back and allow RAH more responsibility handing in Wonder Woman outfit at the same time. Clearly when RAH needs to rise to the occasion he can, and do so well.

So glad you are home my friend!

Stung.....I do believe that it is very important to allow others the satisfaction that they derive from nurturing their loved ones and fellow humans. Not to sully their good feeling.
It is just as valuable to accept necessary help with graciousness and gratitude.
This can be done by the tone of voice and a sincere "Thank You".

Just as we want to be appreciated when we are doing for others.

I think this is how we "see" others and how they "see" us. More of a spiritual thing.

This lesson was driven home for me a very long time ago by my dear Grandma. I had been visiting her on leave from college. She really didn't have any money to speak of.
I had been raised by her in my early years and loved her soo dearly. I tried to do as much for her and give h er as much as I possibly could.
As I was leaving..she gave me a package of stockings...saying "Here, honey, you mght need these at school". I replied "No..that's o.k....keep them for yourself..you probably need them more than me". She got tears in her eyes and said "why won't you let me give you anything?".
OMG....that hit me like a ton of bricks. I saw how important it was for her to be able to give to me. I said (with tears spilling from my eyes) "OH, Grandma...you are so right...I really do need them! Thank you Grandma! I then hugged her real tight with tears and snot flowing. I have never forgotten that moment and that lesson...through all these years.

Stung...I am just offering this story to you for thought. It actually might be insensitive and selfish not to accept the gifts of others. (though we may not be conscious of it at all).

dandylion

Thank you for that story dandy...it brought tears to my own eyes! Merry Christmas

Thank you, katchie. LOl! I cry every time I think about that incident, myself.
My Grandma was the strongest and kindest woman I have ever known. She raised 5 children by herself from just the land on her farm. (her husband had deserted her with 5 young children).
I am guided, every day, by the principles that she taught me (often repeated to me, over and over, and over...LOL!).

I wish you the joys of Christmas, also!

dandylion

wow, Stung. Not doing anything and . . . .

I am just laughing. (With you, I hope.) :)

". . . . We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves . . . "

Stung, Glad to here you are home with your family. You could not ask for a better Christmas present. Take care and let the family "help". You deserve it.
Merry Christmas!!

What ladyscribbler said. Your husband loves you and wants to see you well. I totally get how you feel because I am the one who's usually the caretaker. Sometimes we just have to sit back and let others take care of us. You are NOT a fraud. This could be a huge learning and growing experience for both of you. As a father it is his responsibility to take care of his children too. Everything does not have to rest on your shoulders. In fact, it shouldn't. I don't think this is about codependence. It's about love, compassion, and working as a team. Isn't that what a healthy marriage is supposed to be about?

Praying for your quick recovery,

RB

Glad to hear you're up and kicking! Any news on a diagnosis?

Hey Stung
Hope you're feeling better

I hear a lot of words being used like your husband being "worried" and "afraid".
I've found the "tables" can keep turning back and forth between people.

The best relationships I know of are where each person takes care of themselves and their illness with the steps and then HP every day. Then we give to each other from a place of love. No one is depletion themselves because we're giving from our excess and resentments don't build.

Best to you on the road to recovery

That is so sweet and lovely of him!
As for the rest, I think we must be long lost twins. I have the exact same problem. Never knowing how to accept help even when I desperately need it, thinking that the other person doesn't really want to be doing this or that I shouldn't need the help in the first place.

My brother actually went as far as buying me a wonderwoman keyring as a joke!

Enjoy the favours as what they are, I guess, someone expressing their love for you in the way they know how. They say men like to express love by fixing/solving problems, sounds like that's what he's doing. :)

Tight hugs Stung XXX