Game over
 

Hi friends..

My rabf, sober for nearly 6 months hates where I work, he hates it when I'm on Facebook, he hates the way I dress to go to work (I work in an office).

I left his apartment the other night feeling so terrible about myself that I didn't think I could go on.

I'm so scared right now I'm worried that depression is pulling me under and I've been there and it's not pretty.

My boyfriend seems to think that because I don't dress as conservatively as he likes ..when I know that it hurts him means that I don't love him. I kept trying to explain that you don't force someone you love to do something they don't want to do. I like to wear skirts and dresses but he wants me to wear pants every day.

He doesn't hear me he keeps saying that they are such small things that I can change.

I used to feel really good about myself I felt like I looked good.. I was happy but now I just don't know anymore ..

I had to go to the doctor the other day and he took me and I was telling my girlfriend about how he helped me and how wonderful it was to have some help and she said to me that is what boyfriends are supposed to do that is behavior that you should expect.

He did voice that he was upset that he had to wait 45 minutes for me during the appointment.

I'm really scared right now.

I think I've been in denial for the past few months that he could be my partner for life. I don't know what to do ..I really don't know what to do anymore.

I kept thinking that the jealousy and suspicion and the anxiety that he was going through was paws and maybe it is ..but today I'm miserable

Go (carefully) read about Power and Control... the root of domestic violence. Controlling partners aren't showing love, and what he's doing isn't love. It's control.

There are some stickies at the top of the page. Your post is setting off all sorts of alarm bells. Why does he get any say in what you wear to work? Since when is that ok? Or being on Facebook? Does he conveniently "not like" your family or your friends and is deliberately isolating you from your support sources?

Food for thought. Be safe. He probably "wouldn't like" you being here either...

I was thinking similarly to DMC. What he is doing sounds abusive to me. Perhaps read the sticky at the top of Friends and Family of Alcoholics regarding "about abuse" and see if any of that makes sense to you.
I don't know anything about paws, but I know what he is doing/saying to you and the mental/emotional impact is not healthy for you and you need to self protect against that. Don't listen to the lies -- they are just that, lies. Please get the help you need to see through them. HUGS and take good care of yourself.

Thank you both for your replies.

I know that this is some form of emotional abuse but I can tell you honestly that I wonder if I'm doing the same to him.

I wanted him to change in order for us to be together I wanted him to stop drinking.

He did and although I know he didn't do that for me he did it for himself a part of me wonders deep down if I thought that I had something to do with it.

Like my caring for him and taking care of him was just another form of control or abuse.

My thoughts are in complete chaos right now and I just have to keep repeating to myself that I don't have any control over this.

I don't.

Thank you code job I looked at the wheel and the only spoke that we fit into is the exclusion spoke on the wheel.

He sounds a little in the harmful language spoke to me too if he's got you second guessing yourself and losing your self esteem...

Hi, love,

I've worked in the field of domestic violence for many years. Everything you have written has "abuser" written all over it. The control tactics, the sense of "ownership" of you, his attempts to isolate you--these are signs of a dangerous man.

I'm also a recovered alcoholic (six years sober). I know what PAWS is, and what you are describing has nothing to do with PAWS. PAWS might make it difficult for him to concentrate, it might make it tough to focus, it might make him prone to the occasional panic attack, it might make him physically clumsy at times. It doesn't make anyone critical of his partner's dress, her time on Facebook, her time at the doctor's office.

Alcoholism and abuse are two very different problems. Alcoholism can be controlled by not drinking and working a good recovery program. Abuse is much more difficult to treat, and it requires a huge commitment to change. Most abusers see absolutely nothing wrong with their behavior. They feel ENTITLED to act the way they do.

Let me ask, are you afraid of what his reaction would be if you broke up with him?

I've been with controlling/abusive men who acted just like that. Today he doesn't like what you wear, who you talk to, what you do. (Emotional abuse) Tomorrow he'll be physically abusing you. It always escalates! Stay safe!

Ah code job.. My self esteem has never been that great. Doesn't take much to make me plummet.

He does threaten to leave, but I do that as well. This whole thing makes me so sad, I love the man and can't stop his obsessive negative thoughts.

His family... Damn I love them too.

Feeling less hope than I have in a long time.

Remember, too, that he is on his "good behavior" right now because you are still dating. I know many, many women who first experienced physical abuse on their honeymoon, or when they became pregnant. But many of them described the controlling, jealous behavior while they were still dating.

Thank you all.. I am reading and trying not to deny what you are saying without really understanding.

I am so panicked and sad.. It feels like grief.

I think he has broken up with me already because I won't change.

No, I am not afraid of him, I don't need to be. He will just walk away.

Thank you for your concern for my safety but there is no need.

Being in love should make you feel good about yourself.
What you are being made to feel is not the result of love.

Is there a professional you could talk to about how you're feeling? Does your company have an employee assistance program? Another thought would be to call the DV hotline and talk to a counselor there, or at your local women's shelter. You don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic violence. Controlling behavior that makes you feel bad qualifies. They might be able to give you some support for getting through this.

I really think you could be in for a bad time if you were to stay in this relationship. If you think he will just move on then it's probably for the best. You want someone who loves you for the way you ARE, not someone who is trying to constantly mold you into someone he finds more "acceptable," right?

Hugs,

You are right Sasha - but again I wonder if I making him feel the same way. Unloved.

I think that is true to some extent.

I told him that the only thing I wanted him to change was to stop drinking but the truth is there are other things I wish that he would change.

Time will give me the clarity I need.

Thank you Lexi yes I do have an EAP program at work and I've used it before.

I know so much about abuse from people who yell scream and try to hold you down I know nothing about people who hurt you emotionally nothing.

And yes more than anything I want someone who loves me just the way I am.

Usually seems to start best when that "someone" starts with us.

Not saying that is not the case, but confusion tends to go with being around A's and NOT working our own program.

If we are a little off, they can pull us further off.

How YOU doing with YOUR stuff?

Thanks hammer.. Yes, I am back in the self hatred. Which means I'm not taking care of me. Which means I gotta stop my blathering and do my work. I can't fix this. I know that god will take care of him and me, separately or together.

I'm gonna be ok.

or you could start by loving yourself, just the way you are!

thinking this is more about YOU than him.

I am sorry you are feeling so sad, but this happens when we give to much of ourselves away.

hold tight, take your power back, and start by taking care of your own needs first.

((((hugs))))))))