How do I heal?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 23
How do I heal?
Hi Everyone,
This is my first time writing on here so please excuse me if I don't know the correct "lingo". I don't even know where to start...I just feel like while reading these threads I need to be a part of this community. I am in so much pain I barely have the energy to write my story, so I will try to be brief. I need advice and opinions more than ever.
I first met my addict (alcohol and opiates, mostly opiates) three years ago when he was in an absolutely incredible rehab program. It has been recognized all over the country for its success rate and the men who have been through it are (mostly) still sober to this day. I was instantly in love with him...absolutely head over heals. The fact that he was in recovery didn't bother me at all, I was 19 and extremely naive.
Four or five months into his recovery he was technically kicked out of the program for not completing his chores. I will still say to this day that he was well when he was kicked out. He continued living with sober people and going to meetings, writing inventory, etc. Eventually however, he had no choice but to move back home, 2 hours from where he was staying and where I lived.
That summer I found out I was pregnant. It was rough at first, but we smoothed things out and welcomed my precious daughter into the world in March 2013.
Around her first birthday, I found out that he relapsed after being 2 years sober. I was so angry and hurt, I immediately thought that threatening him with rights to our daughter would make him stop. How silly I was to think that would change his decisions. He continued using until he was admitted to a program in May. I hated it from the start. It was nothing like the program he was originally in, and it seemed to me like a vacation home for sober people. He immediately formed a bond with a guy who is now the house manager, but left two weeks later because he had to go back to work. One week later he went out on a drinking bender. His choice of drugs is opiates/heroin by the way. This was strange for him because he hadn't done it before that I had known of. His parents kicked him out, and me still loving him to death, I took him in and let him live with my family and my daughter up until last month when his behavior became so strange that I began to feel he was mentally ill.
It turns out during the whole time he had lived with me, he had been using. I don't know how I couldn't see it. He never paid me a dime and still hasn't. He would never sleep at night but would always be up during the day. He would make me feel bad about not wanting to be sexual with him when in reality it was because he was acting so different. We wouldn't speak all day and then he would expect me to be intimate with him. It was just awful to say the least.
I finally called a detox center after he was living in his truck for a couple of days and they took him right away. While he was in detox, I found out the most awful things that some of them I won't even repeat. He was on dating websites that had strippers, escorts, and normal girls. He would text his friends telling them "I should have gone with the skinny one, this ones fat". (talking about his date) I found this all out because he left his phone with me while he was in detox accidentally. He had been taking girls to expensive restaurants all the while not giving me or our daughter any money because "he was struggling".
After detox he went back to the sober home that I had disliked the first time. It is cheap, and I feel he knows that he can get away with a lot there. From what I hear he IS sober, but his behavior hurts me more than anything. He stopped contacting me right when he went into the house. It was like the flip of a switch. He has seen our daughter 1 time since he went in early november and says he doesn't have the money to come see her. I honestly convince myself that he really doesn't have the money. He says he can't talk to me as much because it hurts him. But I was the one that begged him and tried everything to make him get better for a whole year!
I am a full time student and work 20 hours a week to support our daughter. It is so hard for me to watch him be on a VACATION! That is what I call it. A vacation from real life. I know the guys there convince him that me and him aren't important. But what happens when he gets out and gets slapped in the face with reality? I feel anyone would be sober if they were living somewhere for 90 dollars a week with no responsibilites. He has no job, sleeps until noon, plays video games, and the guys there pay for all of his things because they feel bad! It is infuriating! Today he called me to ask if he could see our daughter. He said that he had been in our area all morning..and just got back from taking his friend to see his child. Are you kidding me?! He was in the area after not seeing his child for a month and decided to call on his way back to his sober home, knowing very well that it was her exact nap time!
I don't get it. I just don't understand. He is not acting like he did when he was recovering when I met him. He is not acting like the father of my child that was there when I gave birth. He is a completely different person. So if he is in fact sober, which has to be true because they drug test, is this the real him?
This is my first time writing on here so please excuse me if I don't know the correct "lingo". I don't even know where to start...I just feel like while reading these threads I need to be a part of this community. I am in so much pain I barely have the energy to write my story, so I will try to be brief. I need advice and opinions more than ever.
I first met my addict (alcohol and opiates, mostly opiates) three years ago when he was in an absolutely incredible rehab program. It has been recognized all over the country for its success rate and the men who have been through it are (mostly) still sober to this day. I was instantly in love with him...absolutely head over heals. The fact that he was in recovery didn't bother me at all, I was 19 and extremely naive.
Four or five months into his recovery he was technically kicked out of the program for not completing his chores. I will still say to this day that he was well when he was kicked out. He continued living with sober people and going to meetings, writing inventory, etc. Eventually however, he had no choice but to move back home, 2 hours from where he was staying and where I lived.
That summer I found out I was pregnant. It was rough at first, but we smoothed things out and welcomed my precious daughter into the world in March 2013.
Around her first birthday, I found out that he relapsed after being 2 years sober. I was so angry and hurt, I immediately thought that threatening him with rights to our daughter would make him stop. How silly I was to think that would change his decisions. He continued using until he was admitted to a program in May. I hated it from the start. It was nothing like the program he was originally in, and it seemed to me like a vacation home for sober people. He immediately formed a bond with a guy who is now the house manager, but left two weeks later because he had to go back to work. One week later he went out on a drinking bender. His choice of drugs is opiates/heroin by the way. This was strange for him because he hadn't done it before that I had known of. His parents kicked him out, and me still loving him to death, I took him in and let him live with my family and my daughter up until last month when his behavior became so strange that I began to feel he was mentally ill.
It turns out during the whole time he had lived with me, he had been using. I don't know how I couldn't see it. He never paid me a dime and still hasn't. He would never sleep at night but would always be up during the day. He would make me feel bad about not wanting to be sexual with him when in reality it was because he was acting so different. We wouldn't speak all day and then he would expect me to be intimate with him. It was just awful to say the least.
I finally called a detox center after he was living in his truck for a couple of days and they took him right away. While he was in detox, I found out the most awful things that some of them I won't even repeat. He was on dating websites that had strippers, escorts, and normal girls. He would text his friends telling them "I should have gone with the skinny one, this ones fat". (talking about his date) I found this all out because he left his phone with me while he was in detox accidentally. He had been taking girls to expensive restaurants all the while not giving me or our daughter any money because "he was struggling".
After detox he went back to the sober home that I had disliked the first time. It is cheap, and I feel he knows that he can get away with a lot there. From what I hear he IS sober, but his behavior hurts me more than anything. He stopped contacting me right when he went into the house. It was like the flip of a switch. He has seen our daughter 1 time since he went in early november and says he doesn't have the money to come see her. I honestly convince myself that he really doesn't have the money. He says he can't talk to me as much because it hurts him. But I was the one that begged him and tried everything to make him get better for a whole year!
I am a full time student and work 20 hours a week to support our daughter. It is so hard for me to watch him be on a VACATION! That is what I call it. A vacation from real life. I know the guys there convince him that me and him aren't important. But what happens when he gets out and gets slapped in the face with reality? I feel anyone would be sober if they were living somewhere for 90 dollars a week with no responsibilites. He has no job, sleeps until noon, plays video games, and the guys there pay for all of his things because they feel bad! It is infuriating! Today he called me to ask if he could see our daughter. He said that he had been in our area all morning..and just got back from taking his friend to see his child. Are you kidding me?! He was in the area after not seeing his child for a month and decided to call on his way back to his sober home, knowing very well that it was her exact nap time!
I don't get it. I just don't understand. He is not acting like he did when he was recovering when I met him. He is not acting like the father of my child that was there when I gave birth. He is a completely different person. So if he is in fact sober, which has to be true because they drug test, is this the real him?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Welcome among us. We all know the pain you are describing. I am so sorry you have to go through this.
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You must also put your little daughter first.
You must also protect your health, since you know he is dating others. The safest way would be no intimacy with him from now on.
We are here to support you. I hope you can admit that this was a mistake and move on.
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You must also put your little daughter first.
You must also protect your health, since you know he is dating others. The safest way would be no intimacy with him from now on.
We are here to support you. I hope you can admit that this was a mistake and move on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when we instantly fall head over heels in love with someone.....we do so BLIND. hon, you never really KNEW him.....you were so young and so easily swept up in emotion, hormones and chemicals on a rampage.
but since then......he has begun to SHOW you who he really is.....thru his ACTIONS. he was using almost the entire time, behind your back, while you supported him. not even the baby made him change. not then....
and not now.
he's a schmuck. he's skating thru life, bouncing from this "sober" place to that, using, using others, doing anything but the responsible adult thing. a lot of people USE a sober home without being SOBER.
stick close to your family, take care of that precious sweet girl, take care of you. that's enough, that's more than enough.
but since then......he has begun to SHOW you who he really is.....thru his ACTIONS. he was using almost the entire time, behind your back, while you supported him. not even the baby made him change. not then....
and not now.
he's a schmuck. he's skating thru life, bouncing from this "sober" place to that, using, using others, doing anything but the responsible adult thing. a lot of people USE a sober home without being SOBER.
stick close to your family, take care of that precious sweet girl, take care of you. that's enough, that's more than enough.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
stick close to your family, take care of that precious sweet girl, take care of you. that's enough, that's more than enough.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
WW- You are going to school, have a baby and work. Your life is full and busy. You need to take care of the two of you and stop obsessing on him. Your daughter deserves the best mom you can be and not focused on getting an addict sober. For 3 years you have been dealing with this. Give him to your higher power and if he gets sober great... if he doesnt it won't matter.
Leave him be, try no contact from him and see how you can do. He is giving you no money so besides your daughter there is no reason to have any contact with him. Focus on you, keep reading SR and maybe if you have time hit an alanon meeting. Good luck and keep coming back!!
Leave him be, try no contact from him and see how you can do. He is giving you no money so besides your daughter there is no reason to have any contact with him. Focus on you, keep reading SR and maybe if you have time hit an alanon meeting. Good luck and keep coming back!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
"but since then......he has begun to SHOW you who he really is.....thru his ACTIONS. he was using almost the entire time, behind your back, while you supported him. not even the baby made him change. not then...."
This is really profound for me. Wiltwillow, I was just dating a guy that was amazing, until he got under stress and then he completely de-prioritized me to the point that he straight up told me I wasn't a priority - the gym and school were. Ouch.
But there it is. The REAL person you are dating shows himself in time. The first, idealized guy was not the TRUE guy. Who a person is is who a person shows themselves to be through time. More will be revealed.
Good luck. We are here for you.
This is really profound for me. Wiltwillow, I was just dating a guy that was amazing, until he got under stress and then he completely de-prioritized me to the point that he straight up told me I wasn't a priority - the gym and school were. Ouch.
But there it is. The REAL person you are dating shows himself in time. The first, idealized guy was not the TRUE guy. Who a person is is who a person shows themselves to be through time. More will be revealed.
Good luck. We are here for you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
wiltwillow, my dear.....your little girl--if she is going to have a fighting chance in this world---is going to need to be surrounded by healthy relationships and have healthy role models and experiences. She also needs a mother who is the best that she can be....and, certainly not a m other who has a millstone of addiction tied around her neck...LOL!
You sound like a hard-working momma---going to school and working and childcare is not for the faint-hearted!!
You have done all that you could---actually, more than you should have.
It is now necessary to put HER before him. He is responsible for himself--he is an adult.
YOU are all that she has to rely on in this world.
Take the energy that would be spent on him...and channel it into your own self-enlightment and self-understanding. Remember that everything you do, in the positive sense, for yourself---is really doing it for your daughter. Happy mommas tend to raise happy children.
You are a student--you are investing in yourself. Yea, for you!!!!!!!!! It will pay off in spades. You and your daughter can have a happy and fulfilling life...... It is important to make wise decisions (sometimes the right decisions are the hardest...LOL!).
I realize that I am speaking to you like a daughter. Yes, this is exactly what I would say to my own daughter!
very sincerely,
dandylion
You sound like a hard-working momma---going to school and working and childcare is not for the faint-hearted!!
You have done all that you could---actually, more than you should have.
It is now necessary to put HER before him. He is responsible for himself--he is an adult.
YOU are all that she has to rely on in this world.
Take the energy that would be spent on him...and channel it into your own self-enlightment and self-understanding. Remember that everything you do, in the positive sense, for yourself---is really doing it for your daughter. Happy mommas tend to raise happy children.
You are a student--you are investing in yourself. Yea, for you!!!!!!!!! It will pay off in spades. You and your daughter can have a happy and fulfilling life...... It is important to make wise decisions (sometimes the right decisions are the hardest...LOL!).
I realize that I am speaking to you like a daughter. Yes, this is exactly what I would say to my own daughter!
very sincerely,
dandylion
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