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Finding myself in a weird position as I get healthier

Old 12-18-2014, 10:30 AM
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Finding myself in a weird position as I get healthier

So, is at all anyone else's experience that as you get healthier you find yourself more and more alone?

I have virtually zero tolerance for codependent bs from even close friends.

I have no tolerance for anything that even hints at having a drinking issue (Im talking even joking about social drinking-- it's amazing how people joke about drinking constantly).

And Im finding myself lonely because even my very closest, best friend who is more a sister to me than my own blood sister ever was, is just entrenched in one codependent relationship after another and I can't deal with it.

I know that I am being a hypocrite, I am trying to not judge her because I see her being me not too many years ago. But I am also seeing first hand why it is that people in my own life drifted away from me when I was like that.

I felt I was the victim back when friends left me high and dry but in hindsight, a hard truth to swallow is that fact that my endless whining about xAH without ever doing anything to change my circumstances MUST have made me a major pain in the ass to listen to and be around.

Right now I cant stomach for another minute of listening to my best friend talk about how badly her bf treats her and then the cycle starts.... He is a jerk, he gives her the silent treatment, she gets mad and says she's not tolerating it anymore, I support her, he gets in touch a few days later, makes all sorts of apologies, she minimizes his BS behavior (which is "never all that bad" and never hitting or yelling-- just a lot of emotional abuse crap-- that is her take) and goes back to him.

She doesnt want to be alone, she pretends to want to be strong with him but she tolerates the VERY behavior she lectured me about NOT tolerating with xAH.

I have told her how I feel, told her that her bf's behavior is upsetting, alarming and that I dont live her life but seeing her on a constant rollercoaster is upsetting.

She prefers to continue this dance with him vs be alone. That is the bottom line.

And it is going to mean the end of our friendship because I cant stomach it anymore.

Ive already distanced myself. I feel loss, sadness, hurt, grief... We have talked many times a day, daily for the last 2 years and she is my closest friend ever.

But I cant take the constant drama of the men issues in her life that she wants to complain about and do nothing to change.

She left her old bf for this new one and goes from jerky man to jerky man.

Am I wrong to be fed up?

Have any of you been in this situation, where as you set limits for healthy relationships in your own life, you find yourself lonely and losing relationships?

I am really down about this today as I said some blunt, honest things to my best friend this weekend about the latest with her bf and conversation has been strained at best since then...

It feels awful but I know it is healthy....

I just feel very confused.
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Old 12-18-2014, 10:42 AM
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Am I wrong to be fed up?
No.

But then again, that's my response. I'm pretty lonely too. My daughter asked me today if I'm not lonely, why I don't go out and meet new people and make new friends. I told her that honestly, I have a full-time job and a family -- and I frankly don't see how any new friends I could make would be more fun to hang out with than my family, which I don't feel I have enough time for as it is.

After I left AXH, I lost a few friendships. One was a friend who had supported one woman too many through one return-to-abusive-relationship too many, and she said very straightforwardly that "I can't handle helping you through this only to see you return to your AXH, so I'm sorry, I can't be your friend anymore." Others were friendships where I realized that I was the codependent to their user -- where I babysat for them, took work shifts for them, drove them to the hospital, etc., but when I was in crisis, they didn't return my calls.

I think any big life change shakes up all our relationships. It's lonely -- but I try to see it as a stage. Once I'm ready to make new friendships, I'm ready. I'm just not ready yet.
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Old 12-18-2014, 10:46 AM
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When I started in recovery, it didn't take me long to realize that every close friend I had for 30 years was an alcoholic.
I am working on enjoying my solitude now, and I am doing so successfully by the grace of God.
I know good, healthy friendships will come. I have to get well myself to attract them.
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Old 12-18-2014, 10:47 AM
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I have been able to deal with and understand, even if I have felt hurt, with the friends who have left me...

This is harder because this friend has been there, is great, and I love her.

But I am having an exceedingly hard time dealing with the non stop codie behavior from her toward men that she wants my constant reassurance and commentary about...

Sigh....
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Old 12-18-2014, 10:47 AM
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Isn't it odd to find people that complain repeatedly and steadily but then don't work to get out of the situation.

So when you talk to these people, you THINK they want advice. They don't. They just want you to listen. Which is OK maybe as a friend a few times. But really, when is the CUT OFF or how do you segue the conversation somewhere else not so painful to listen to?

I really have poor social skills in that arena.

As for getting worked up about alcohol references, well I just figure if they say they are drinking on FB, they probably are.
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Old 12-18-2014, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I have been able to deal with and understand, even if I have felt hurt, with the friends who have left me...

This is harder because this friend has been there, is great, and I love her.

But I am having an exceedingly hard time dealing with the non stop codie behavior from her toward men that she wants my constant reassurance and commentary about...

Sigh....
Just because you distance yourself and remove someone toxic from your life, doesn't mean they will be gone forever. We cannot predict the future.
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Old 12-18-2014, 10:48 AM
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I think I would like to eliminate the term "venting" from the American vernacular. People seem to think they can unleash all their woes on others, and really will push me away.

My BFF of 20 years - her life is nothing more than a series of complaints. After many years of my saying, "You know, you really need to find a different way to deal with this," I finally threw up my hands and decided "No More."

That was four years ago and I haven't made any close friends since. Life is too short to spend it listening to other people "vent."

Venting doesn't solve their problems, it just puts them in my lap. No thank you.
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Old 12-18-2014, 11:02 AM
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Thanks for the thoughtful replies... It is comforting in a way I suppose to know that this is not something unique to me nor something I alone have had to deal with.

Having grown up in a family that praised and valued being a doormat with no wants or needs of ones owns ever being respected and in fact, being insulted for having unique opinions or wants and not always finding it fun to care take for the adults on the scene, THIS setting of my own boundaries and deciding what I will and wont live with is new, and scary a bit at times.
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Old 12-18-2014, 11:12 AM
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I don't think you are confused at all. You are seeing the situation for what it is. You have shared your thoughts regarding the matter, and she chooses to continue to do her thing. ( maybe she really likes jerky men)

The two of you are currently at different places in life.

So if you didn't talk about all her troubles and choices of "jerky men" do you think the two of you have a solid enough foundation to remain friends?
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Old 12-18-2014, 11:12 AM
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My best friend is a drinker, a party animal. We went through a lot of the same things in life and I thought I found my soul mate friend. When I left my AXH, I also spent a lot of time alone (loving it!) and thinking. We are still friends but not best friends. It makes me sad now and then, but I now hang out with people that drink occasionally, like me, but don't party to excess. Also something you said struck a nerve, that I have no tolerance for co-dependency anymore. When I left the AXH, suddenly I found that I wanted NO PART in any of that, and have since cut contact with my alcholic/drug addicted mother. It's tough but the feeling of relief says it all. I would rather be alone with myself in peace than with others that cause anxiety or stress. That sense of peace has brought new (and some old) friends into my life and it is enriched and definitely not lonely. Hang in there, enjoy the time to think and sort things out, and enjoy the peace and tranquility.
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Old 12-18-2014, 11:18 AM
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Sigh, yes. I just this weekend went to visit a friend that I've distanced myself from over the last couple of years. She was really dismissive of my problems with XAH, and after while I just dropped the rope, so to speak. We'd been friends for 15 years or so, and I just stopped calling and texting last year. After my experience with my XAH, I saw things I didn't like there and felt like it was too much for me. She'd started calling again, however, and I wanted to see if I had just been hypervigilant. I visited her out of town last-minute, overnight, with my new beau, with an excuse to leave early if I wanted to.

This weekend I found out that she lost her nursing license due to stealing opiates, had a drunk driving accident last week she doesn't remember, hasn't had a drivers' license in years, withdrew from Adderall herself at home last week, and her parents have been trying to figure out how to take her teenage daughter away from her to shield her from her mom's addiction. She maintains that she doesn't have a problem, and that it's all behind her. The way she talked about her teen daughter (that she is "****ing retarded" for not knowing how to do regular household tasks) was really difficult to hear.

This is on top of knowing her relationship history -- back and forth between terrible men. She's married to a man who threatened to kill her last year, and has beaten her up multiple times. I sat next to him having a conversation like none of it ever happened, because nobody in that situation wants anything to change. She also spent the whole weekend drinking and talking about how recovery programs make her want to smoke meth.

I miss her, but at the same time I guess I know everything I need to know.
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Old 12-18-2014, 11:46 AM
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I've lost a lot of relationships in this process of recovering and most of them didn't phase me because I could see how they were really a bunch of fair weather friends.

One of my closest friends though - whoa. She would vent & vent & rant & then forget/forgive/move on or whatever without anything ever changing because it was just plain easier for her. I started to notice that it just destroyed our friendship time because she spent so much time analyzing things she already "knew" but chose to not face head-on. She'd minimize it like it was just a "man" issue - "you know how THEY are". It wasn't enjoyable having to coddle her illusions or try yet again to talk sense into her.

I finally told her that the ONLY surprising thing in the whole dynamic was that SHE was still surprised by the goings-on. I told her that I loved her but I wasn't willing to sacrifice our limited "girl time" talking again & again about the same issues that she refused to do anything about. I was honest & told her that it was a direct conflict to my own recovery.

Her situation has changed slightly & she's more willing to be honest about the BS happening. Now I notice that she may still rant at times but she's more self-aware when she's going on & on & stops herself before I have to. I want to be a good friend & provide a shoulder when she needs it but there are limits to that kind of sympathy when the situation never changes.
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Old 12-18-2014, 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post

Am I wrong to be fed up?
Nope.
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Old 12-18-2014, 12:17 PM
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Isn't it odd to find people that complain repeatedly and steadily but then don't work to get out of the situation.
What I find sort of humbling is that I used to be one of those people, and now I cannot stand those people. I guess it's sort of like ex-smokers who are the most vehement anti-smoking crusaders?
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Old 12-18-2014, 12:34 PM
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To me this has nothing to do with recovery for me. I have always been a pretty independent, person. I keep a few close inner friends for long periods of time, even though I don't even live anywhere around them anymore.

Let's set aside for a moment the concept of recovery. Let's embrace the idea that its in our best interest ALWAYS to keep ourselves unentangled in other peoples messes. That doesn't mean you show lack of care, but if asked, you state how you feel. If they go a path that you know is going to make you uncomfortable with how YOU feel, then part ways with them.

Everything else is static noise. I care if I have friends certainly. But I care more to not have drama filled ones.
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Old 12-18-2014, 12:39 PM
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Yep. I am going through the same things. Recovering from alcoholism and going through my life, turning over rocks, digging deep. I am also now at a place where I don't want to be around drunks. They are boring, my family's dysfunction is intolerable, and while I am still working on my codie behaviors I have zero tolerance for any one else's.

I got off the crazy train and I refuse to get back on
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Old 12-18-2014, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread View Post
Let's embrace the idea that its in our best interest ALWAYS to keep ourselves an unentangled in other peoples messes.
I never felt entangled I just got tired of wasting hours HEARING about it. It wasn't recovery-related in the way of me wanting to "fix" her situation or trying to force her to see it *my* way but I couldn't pretend to agree with her either & that sort of forced some distance between us.
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Old 12-18-2014, 12:51 PM
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I never felt entangled I just got tired of wasting hours HEARING about it. It wasn't recovery-related in the way of me wanting to "fix" her situation or trying to force her to see it *my* way but I couldn't pretend to agree with her either & that sort of forced some distance between us.
Right, me too. And when I myself was unhealthy it was much easier to laugh off or endorse some of my friends' dysfunctional thinking. Now that I've made some life changes, I can no longer endorse it, or even tolerate it.

I was happy I saw her, I guess. But it was really bittersweet. She's clearly in a mess, in a bad relationship, and an addict herself, and there's nothing I or anyone else can do to help. I won't be visiting again any time soon.
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Old 12-18-2014, 03:42 PM
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back in the beginning when i noticed my codependency issues and started saying NO, i started to notice people not around to "use me" as much...lol, where not friends after all...

i wrote about this way back when i 1st started...it does get easier, slowly...i guess we have to way out the BAD before we get the GOODS right? lol

all the best!
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Old 12-18-2014, 03:43 PM
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back in the beginning when i noticed my codependency issues and started saying NO, i started to notice people not around to "use me" as much...lol, where not friends after all...

i wrote about this way back when i 1st started...it does get easier, slowly...i guess we have to way out the BAD before we get the GOODS right? lol

all the best!
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