I've been meaning to update for a while now...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I've been meaning to update for a while now...
...but Life has been uber-busy these last 2 months. It's a busy time for work anyway & I'm planning on taking 2 weeks off over Christmas/New Years so I'm working hard to get every single thing off my desk at work & task lists at home.
The good news is that things are actually going pretty well since my last update. Surprising considering that was when I had decided to approach RAH about separating. That thread is here if anyone cares to revisit... --->http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ast-night.html
We didn't end up separating, but I also didn't back down on my boundaries as far as the things that were bothering me. I DID have to accept that a lot of the "pink flags" I was seeing were mine as well - I was pretty quick to judge every miscommunication as a lie of some sort. A lot of that is because I'm working MY recovery, not his. I'm not sitting with my Secret Decoder Ring deciphering every message he sends - I'm taking things at face value. It's up to HIM to provide clarity with his words, not for me to go searching for it. If it walks & talks like a duck then guess what? QUACK!
The saving grace has been that just a week or so after my thread, he landed a full time job that is PERFECT for him, all things considered. It's been tough for him to settle into working a "real" job & not working for himself. When he went on & on about it not too long ago I pointed out to him that this is what ALL of us with REAL jobs deal with! There's nothing especially restrictive about his job, he's just not used to punching a clock, being accountable to a schedule & not being able to come & go & rearrange his days on a whim. Suck it up, Buttercup.
It's not great money but it's enough to bridge the gap & has kept us floating & able to get a slightly better grip on our finances which, in turn, relieved some stress for both of us.
I also managed to get my checkups in & my thyroid meds adjusted which was long overdue & necessary. Such a *small* thing but it makes such a huge difference in my mental processes & activity level. I had let this kind of self-care go out of financial restrictions.
He has made a more noticeable effort since all of this to communicate more clearly and/or to recognize when his efforts aren't effective. He's been more accepting of my concerns without dismissing them as complaints or jumping into a defensive stance immediately. We talk A LOT these days, argue way less.
I've also broadened my scope of recovery to include things like Crystal Bowl Concerts (so healing), Self-Hypnosis seminars, etc. I get something out of every. little. thing. I'm getting better at ignoring stuff that is irrelevant in the Big Picture in order to make time for my needs. Let the dishes sit in the sink for one day & take that time for yoga instead. It is very obvious to me that just like he needs a schedule for his meetings, I need to schedule for MY time. I know this, but I wasn't always doing it.
The bad news is that the pressure is building with the holidays & he still seems to be looking for that ONE BIG THING that he can do to correct all the wrongs. Instead of patiently saving up to pay off big bills he keeps looking for big payoffs to shorten the process. Red flag. He loses patience with the time/process it takes to rebuild trust & is somewhat astonished that I don't just trust 100%. But I *think* he's starting to see that it isn't something I'm doing "against" him..... that's just real life.
He was as close to relapse last night as I have ever seen/heard from him. On the plus side, he communicated that to me rather than completely freaking out. On the minus side, he ignored his program & did not reach out to his sponsor as he knows he should have. I did express to him that I am perplexed as to why/how he wants to pick pieces from the program when it fits him & then turn into Mr. Terminally Unique when crap is hitting the fan...... but I also understand from reading from other A's here on SR that he may not even know why he does that & that he'll need to work through that with his program.
I still think he has a LOT to learn about powerlessness & what working a FULL recovery really means, but I am seeing forward progress over these last months & I'm in a better place personally. No perfection here folks, but I'm happy to see progress.
The good news is that things are actually going pretty well since my last update. Surprising considering that was when I had decided to approach RAH about separating. That thread is here if anyone cares to revisit... --->http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ast-night.html
We didn't end up separating, but I also didn't back down on my boundaries as far as the things that were bothering me. I DID have to accept that a lot of the "pink flags" I was seeing were mine as well - I was pretty quick to judge every miscommunication as a lie of some sort. A lot of that is because I'm working MY recovery, not his. I'm not sitting with my Secret Decoder Ring deciphering every message he sends - I'm taking things at face value. It's up to HIM to provide clarity with his words, not for me to go searching for it. If it walks & talks like a duck then guess what? QUACK!
The saving grace has been that just a week or so after my thread, he landed a full time job that is PERFECT for him, all things considered. It's been tough for him to settle into working a "real" job & not working for himself. When he went on & on about it not too long ago I pointed out to him that this is what ALL of us with REAL jobs deal with! There's nothing especially restrictive about his job, he's just not used to punching a clock, being accountable to a schedule & not being able to come & go & rearrange his days on a whim. Suck it up, Buttercup.
It's not great money but it's enough to bridge the gap & has kept us floating & able to get a slightly better grip on our finances which, in turn, relieved some stress for both of us.I also managed to get my checkups in & my thyroid meds adjusted which was long overdue & necessary. Such a *small* thing but it makes such a huge difference in my mental processes & activity level. I had let this kind of self-care go out of financial restrictions.
He has made a more noticeable effort since all of this to communicate more clearly and/or to recognize when his efforts aren't effective. He's been more accepting of my concerns without dismissing them as complaints or jumping into a defensive stance immediately. We talk A LOT these days, argue way less.
I've also broadened my scope of recovery to include things like Crystal Bowl Concerts (so healing), Self-Hypnosis seminars, etc. I get something out of every. little. thing. I'm getting better at ignoring stuff that is irrelevant in the Big Picture in order to make time for my needs. Let the dishes sit in the sink for one day & take that time for yoga instead. It is very obvious to me that just like he needs a schedule for his meetings, I need to schedule for MY time. I know this, but I wasn't always doing it.
The bad news is that the pressure is building with the holidays & he still seems to be looking for that ONE BIG THING that he can do to correct all the wrongs. Instead of patiently saving up to pay off big bills he keeps looking for big payoffs to shorten the process. Red flag. He loses patience with the time/process it takes to rebuild trust & is somewhat astonished that I don't just trust 100%. But I *think* he's starting to see that it isn't something I'm doing "against" him..... that's just real life.
He was as close to relapse last night as I have ever seen/heard from him. On the plus side, he communicated that to me rather than completely freaking out. On the minus side, he ignored his program & did not reach out to his sponsor as he knows he should have. I did express to him that I am perplexed as to why/how he wants to pick pieces from the program when it fits him & then turn into Mr. Terminally Unique when crap is hitting the fan...... but I also understand from reading from other A's here on SR that he may not even know why he does that & that he'll need to work through that with his program.
I still think he has a LOT to learn about powerlessness & what working a FULL recovery really means, but I am seeing forward progress over these last months & I'm in a better place personally. No perfection here folks, but I'm happy to see progress.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
FS, great update. I am glad you were able to stay together and he is getting better. I hope there is no relapse. I also think it's AWESOME that you are making time for yourself. I am really bad about doing so and my mental and physical being are suffering for it. Working on that!
Tight hugs.
Tight hugs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You know, it's not just WHAT you say that makes it a fantastic update, it's also HOW you say it. You sound like there is peace in your mind, if not always in your surroundings. And that, my friend, is some pretty tall corn right there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
FireSprite, thanks for the update. It's so helpful to hear how things are going and all the ways you've found to take care of yourself. Some of the things you've said about the struggles to communicate clearly w/your A seem like echos of my own situation, and it's helpful to me to see how you've come to understand those problems so far.
I'm really glad you're here, I'm really glad you're doing well, and I thank you for all the ES&H you've shared w/us here at SR!
I'm really glad you're here, I'm really glad you're doing well, and I thank you for all the ES&H you've shared w/us here at SR!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Awesome update!! You sound busy and upbeat and it's really great to read about your evolving program.
I've read that social Intervention is statistically the number one deterrent from relapsing, so it is pretty great that he reached out for help, but it would probably be a lot easier for you if he reached out so someone else in his program simply so you don't have to deal his stuff. That's a tough spot to be in, from my personal experience. While I've been sick RAH has told me that his housemates and his sponsor have all offered to come help him care for our kids. My controling side cringes (have they lost their minds?!?!?! Just call our babysitter, our kids already know and love her!!) but my rational side is really happy that RAH isn't isolating himself during a very stressful time. He has a bunch of caring, supportive sober dude friends and he turned directly to them during a tough time. I think RAH picks and chooses the pieces of AA that work for him, and that's okay because its "one size fits one."
I've read that social Intervention is statistically the number one deterrent from relapsing, so it is pretty great that he reached out for help, but it would probably be a lot easier for you if he reached out so someone else in his program simply so you don't have to deal his stuff. That's a tough spot to be in, from my personal experience. While I've been sick RAH has told me that his housemates and his sponsor have all offered to come help him care for our kids. My controling side cringes (have they lost their minds?!?!?! Just call our babysitter, our kids already know and love her!!) but my rational side is really happy that RAH isn't isolating himself during a very stressful time. He has a bunch of caring, supportive sober dude friends and he turned directly to them during a tough time. I think RAH picks and chooses the pieces of AA that work for him, and that's okay because its "one size fits one."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Thanks all! It IS a difficult position Stung & it was the 1st time it's happened like that. I don't usually interact with him when he's in that state because he's difficult enough to communicate with normally. In a crisis he generally just shuts down & shuts me out completely until he white-knuckles his way through it.
He did call his AA buddy yesterday after work since his sponsor is out of town (he latched onto that as his excuse not to call when he should have). I'm glad he called this one specific friend anyway - he tends to be a no-BS straight shooter which RAH probably needs more than anything.
He also just found out that they have a new meeting here locally for musicians specifically so that may be a good fit for him as another meeting to add to his routine.
He picked DD up from school yesterday & I took the night to do some shopping & go to my reiki circle & didn't get home until almost 11. I'm feeling recharged today!
He did call his AA buddy yesterday after work since his sponsor is out of town (he latched onto that as his excuse not to call when he should have). I'm glad he called this one specific friend anyway - he tends to be a no-BS straight shooter which RAH probably needs more than anything.
He also just found out that they have a new meeting here locally for musicians specifically so that may be a good fit for him as another meeting to add to his routine.
He picked DD up from school yesterday & I took the night to do some shopping & go to my reiki circle & didn't get home until almost 11. I'm feeling recharged today!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
