Pregnancy...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: London
Posts: 8
Pregnancy...
Firstly, I have been with an alcoholic for only almost a year so I apologize in advance if anything I say comes across ignorant or stupid. I've been trying really hard to understand but it's difficult.
Facts:
I'm 20 years old, he's 31
I'm 33 weeks pregnant
He's had issues with both alcohol and drug abuse from a very young age
Back story:
Basically, we haven't been together all that long, (definitely a whirlwind kinda thing) which resulted in me getting pregnant.
We were both extremely happy about it, surprisingly, but my happiness was pretty short lived. I want this baby more than anything, don't get me wrong. But I didn't realize the extent of his issues. Of course I knew he was a 'partier' etc. But I was pretty naiive to it all as I've never really been a part of that scene.
My first 3 months were the worst of my life.
Where we were living at the time played a huge part in that. We lived with a lot of other people in a huge house share and there was always someone having a party or at least willing to drink.
I would be left crying and alone every night while he was out drinking with them. I could have joined and sat with them... But it is so not fun to be the only sober one surrounded by drunks. It also makes it much clearer that you are not a priority or even noticed much, which hurt. I was also pretty uncomfortable because I didn't know them well where as he had been living there previously for about three years and was very much the 'go to guy' for a good time.
The entire atmosphere in the house changed towards me when I got pregnant. They didn't like it, knowing that things would change and he would be moving on. So it became quite hostile. And he would always take their side because if we argued, they were more fun.
At this time he was drinking heavily every day.
We've come quite far since then. We have moved out into our own place, I have full control of both our finances and he got himself a sort of social worker who put him on a sobriety type course.
This was a step in the right direction as before he never would have agreed to it.
The course has long since finishd and while his drinking has dramatically improved... He still hasn't gone a week without getting completely off his face at some point. We came to a new agreement recently that he would only drink when he was out for like a meal or work thing etc (and boy does he come back ******...) But that lasted two days as he continued drinking last night at home when it were just the two of us.
He attened an AA meeting once but said it was ok just full of religious stuff and accepting God and he couldn't take it seriously.
I don't know what to do anymore
When he is on form, I know he would make the best father in the world. My daughter would never go without. And of course, he says it will all be different when she's here. Which I have hung onto, so hard.
But if he can't keep his word for even two days... How can I believe that anymore. I want this family to work so bad and I've already put myself through so much hurt I don't want to give up on him. But I do want what's best for my daughter and having an alcoholic as a father isn't. I've had friends who's mum or dad has been an alcoholic and a few years ago watched one attend a funeral for his father.
I should add that he is adamant he will never quit completely. But he wants to be able to drink in moderation. Is this a possibility? Cause I've seen no evidence so far.
He is also not abusive in any way... Sure he says dickish stuff sometimes but that's it. Other than that he's just completely useless when drunk. Not my boyfriend.
Does this story sound familiar to anyone? Is there any advice or opinion? Was the baby enough... These damn hormones just make me want to cry about it all the time and sometimes I feel like I can't make a level headed decision because of it.
Less than two months till she's here and I'm panicking...
Facts:
I'm 20 years old, he's 31
I'm 33 weeks pregnant
He's had issues with both alcohol and drug abuse from a very young age
Back story:
Basically, we haven't been together all that long, (definitely a whirlwind kinda thing) which resulted in me getting pregnant.
We were both extremely happy about it, surprisingly, but my happiness was pretty short lived. I want this baby more than anything, don't get me wrong. But I didn't realize the extent of his issues. Of course I knew he was a 'partier' etc. But I was pretty naiive to it all as I've never really been a part of that scene.
My first 3 months were the worst of my life.
Where we were living at the time played a huge part in that. We lived with a lot of other people in a huge house share and there was always someone having a party or at least willing to drink.
I would be left crying and alone every night while he was out drinking with them. I could have joined and sat with them... But it is so not fun to be the only sober one surrounded by drunks. It also makes it much clearer that you are not a priority or even noticed much, which hurt. I was also pretty uncomfortable because I didn't know them well where as he had been living there previously for about three years and was very much the 'go to guy' for a good time.
The entire atmosphere in the house changed towards me when I got pregnant. They didn't like it, knowing that things would change and he would be moving on. So it became quite hostile. And he would always take their side because if we argued, they were more fun.
At this time he was drinking heavily every day.
We've come quite far since then. We have moved out into our own place, I have full control of both our finances and he got himself a sort of social worker who put him on a sobriety type course.
This was a step in the right direction as before he never would have agreed to it.
The course has long since finishd and while his drinking has dramatically improved... He still hasn't gone a week without getting completely off his face at some point. We came to a new agreement recently that he would only drink when he was out for like a meal or work thing etc (and boy does he come back ******...) But that lasted two days as he continued drinking last night at home when it were just the two of us.
He attened an AA meeting once but said it was ok just full of religious stuff and accepting God and he couldn't take it seriously.
I don't know what to do anymore
When he is on form, I know he would make the best father in the world. My daughter would never go without. And of course, he says it will all be different when she's here. Which I have hung onto, so hard.
But if he can't keep his word for even two days... How can I believe that anymore. I want this family to work so bad and I've already put myself through so much hurt I don't want to give up on him. But I do want what's best for my daughter and having an alcoholic as a father isn't. I've had friends who's mum or dad has been an alcoholic and a few years ago watched one attend a funeral for his father.
I should add that he is adamant he will never quit completely. But he wants to be able to drink in moderation. Is this a possibility? Cause I've seen no evidence so far.
He is also not abusive in any way... Sure he says dickish stuff sometimes but that's it. Other than that he's just completely useless when drunk. Not my boyfriend.
Does this story sound familiar to anyone? Is there any advice or opinion? Was the baby enough... These damn hormones just make me want to cry about it all the time and sometimes I feel like I can't make a level headed decision because of it.
Less than two months till she's here and I'm panicking...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
No, the baby will not "get him sober", if anything the added stress will exaggerate the issues that already exist.
He is not ready to stop, and this kind of drinking is not something he will outgrow. I was in a similar spot as you about six years ago, pregnant,terrified but also hopeful that he would change.
He did change. His drinking progressed and spiraled out of control in the five years we were together. The day after we brought our son home from the hospital he drank a quart of Jim Beam whiskey and passed out with his face in the dog's dish.
If I could do things again, knowing what I know now, I would not have waited five years to leave. I would have left before our son was even born.
Please gather resources for support. Make a plan for you and the baby that doesn't rely on him getting and staying sober because that's not something you can count on.
So sorry you are going through this. Please take care of yourself. Hugs.
He is not ready to stop, and this kind of drinking is not something he will outgrow. I was in a similar spot as you about six years ago, pregnant,terrified but also hopeful that he would change.
He did change. His drinking progressed and spiraled out of control in the five years we were together. The day after we brought our son home from the hospital he drank a quart of Jim Beam whiskey and passed out with his face in the dog's dish.
If I could do things again, knowing what I know now, I would not have waited five years to leave. I would have left before our son was even born.
Please gather resources for support. Make a plan for you and the baby that doesn't rely on him getting and staying sober because that's not something you can count on.
So sorry you are going through this. Please take care of yourself. Hugs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Ladyscribbler is right on. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but trust me, it will get worse and worse as time goes on. I just posted recently on another thread that as hard as being a single parent may be, it's a piece of cake compared to trying to care for a child in a house with an active alcoholic. And it is horrible for the child.
I think the suggestion to start gathering resources to be on your own is a terrific idea. You don't have to do anything this second, but it might be much harder to do once the baby is born. If you at least do some of the footwork now, then you can decide later when you want to exit (if you do).
Oh, and I would try to hit some Al-Anon meetings, too. That can be a HUGE help in the emotional support department.
I think the suggestion to start gathering resources to be on your own is a terrific idea. You don't have to do anything this second, but it might be much harder to do once the baby is born. If you at least do some of the footwork now, then you can decide later when you want to exit (if you do).
Oh, and I would try to hit some Al-Anon meetings, too. That can be a HUGE help in the emotional support department.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Congrats on your baby!
I think you need to look at your whole circumstance, the conditions under which you met and the length of time of your relationship are pertinent here. This was not a planned pregnancy. You got pregnant by a man who seems to be stuck back in the time warp of a college frat boy, living in a house with a lot of people and the central theme being partying.
I am glad you have your own place, but I am unsure whether Dad is ready to settle down and commit to this massive life changing event. Believe him when he says he will not quit drinking. No, I am sorry to say that Alcoholics are unable to moderate their drinking long term. They are able to, at times, quit, moderate, and shape up. However, it does not last.
It will be different when she is here. Maybe. I doubt it. This is a common tactic of Alcoholics to get people off their backs. "give me a week, give me a month, I am stressed now wait till the stress is over, I can't handle this now, but at some time in the future I will be able to…." Tomorrow never comes with active Alcoholics. There is ALWAYS a reason why not to stop. Truth is your pregnancy and needs while pregnant are sufficient enough a reason to stop. And he isn't.
I imagine that hormones is not only the reason you feel like crying. Best to do, prepare, take care of yourself, and your daughter and don't depend on Dad if he is not seeking recovery and sobriety. I am glad you have decided you will not raise your child in an alcoholic home - its devastating.
Don't let the A steal your joy at the arrival of your daughter. Hopefully, you have a good support system with family and friends.
I think you need to look at your whole circumstance, the conditions under which you met and the length of time of your relationship are pertinent here. This was not a planned pregnancy. You got pregnant by a man who seems to be stuck back in the time warp of a college frat boy, living in a house with a lot of people and the central theme being partying.
I am glad you have your own place, but I am unsure whether Dad is ready to settle down and commit to this massive life changing event. Believe him when he says he will not quit drinking. No, I am sorry to say that Alcoholics are unable to moderate their drinking long term. They are able to, at times, quit, moderate, and shape up. However, it does not last.
It will be different when she is here. Maybe. I doubt it. This is a common tactic of Alcoholics to get people off their backs. "give me a week, give me a month, I am stressed now wait till the stress is over, I can't handle this now, but at some time in the future I will be able to…." Tomorrow never comes with active Alcoholics. There is ALWAYS a reason why not to stop. Truth is your pregnancy and needs while pregnant are sufficient enough a reason to stop. And he isn't.
I imagine that hormones is not only the reason you feel like crying. Best to do, prepare, take care of yourself, and your daughter and don't depend on Dad if he is not seeking recovery and sobriety. I am glad you have decided you will not raise your child in an alcoholic home - its devastating.
Don't let the A steal your joy at the arrival of your daughter. Hopefully, you have a good support system with family and friends.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Been there. My first husband promised that once our daughter was born, he'd quit drinking. When she was born, he left the hospital that night, met his friends at the bar and got so hammered that he ended up back at our apartment with my ex-best friend. My sister stopped at our apartment to gather some of the things I needed at the hospital that I didn't bring because she was 3 weeks early and I had nothing packed yet. What a surprise for my poor sister to walk in and see. While they both swore that nothing went on, I'll never be sure as she was as much an alcoholic as he was and neither of them had an ounce of morals between them, so.... Besides that, what young new mother deserves to be worried about that after just giving birth. I was also 20.
We stayed together - for a little while. He never quit drinking, in fact, his drinking escalated severely and he would end up not coming home more than he did come home. I was resentful, angry, bitter, hurt, scared, sad, afraid and things just got worse. It was a pretty devastating time in my life. I left him and moved back home to Jersey when she was about 8 months old.
Sadly, he drinks even more now then he did back then. My heart breaks for his new wife and all that she has to put up with. It was hard raising my daughter alone, but I'll never regret leaving that situation. Thankfully, my daughter is now in college and has a great head on her shoulders. She has a relationship with her dad, but understands that he has a drinking problem and takes it for what it's worth. Better yet, she does not get involved with alcoholic/addicted/emotionally challenged men and cuts things off as soon as she sees signs. Not sure where she got that wonderful trait from, but I'm so thankful she has it! I believe that she has done as well as she has because she had one sober parent and wasn't immersed in the alcoholic lifestyle.
Have a plan sweetie. I wish I could tell you that he'll probably change, but, he probably won't. In fact, he'll probably get worse once you're stuck home with the baby. It's unfair, I know, and it's a terrifying prospect as you sit there pregnant wishing that this could be the family you've always envisioned and dreamed about. I remember those wishes well. What I can tell you is that life will not be over if you have to leave. There is so much better out there and both you and your little girl deserve that.
Hugs.
We stayed together - for a little while. He never quit drinking, in fact, his drinking escalated severely and he would end up not coming home more than he did come home. I was resentful, angry, bitter, hurt, scared, sad, afraid and things just got worse. It was a pretty devastating time in my life. I left him and moved back home to Jersey when she was about 8 months old.
Sadly, he drinks even more now then he did back then. My heart breaks for his new wife and all that she has to put up with. It was hard raising my daughter alone, but I'll never regret leaving that situation. Thankfully, my daughter is now in college and has a great head on her shoulders. She has a relationship with her dad, but understands that he has a drinking problem and takes it for what it's worth. Better yet, she does not get involved with alcoholic/addicted/emotionally challenged men and cuts things off as soon as she sees signs. Not sure where she got that wonderful trait from, but I'm so thankful she has it! I believe that she has done as well as she has because she had one sober parent and wasn't immersed in the alcoholic lifestyle.
Have a plan sweetie. I wish I could tell you that he'll probably change, but, he probably won't. In fact, he'll probably get worse once you're stuck home with the baby. It's unfair, I know, and it's a terrifying prospect as you sit there pregnant wishing that this could be the family you've always envisioned and dreamed about. I remember those wishes well. What I can tell you is that life will not be over if you have to leave. There is so much better out there and both you and your little girl deserve that.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Been there! I started posting here when I was pregnant with DD3. My XAH was pretending to be on the wagon and drinking on the sly. I felt so fragile and vulnerable at that time. I wanted someone to take care of me and be tender with me through my pregnancy, and he was not capable of it at all. Later, when my daughter was born, he was a nightmare to live with -- lots of broken promises, lots of flailing around in his life, blaming me for it all -- and I found that whether he was drinking or sober (it became hard to tell) he wasn't capable of being a full-time father to an infant. He lost jobs (multiple), wouldn't work, wouldn't look for work. Every time I caught him drinking I'd kick him out -- it was so dramatic. In hindsight I should have just let him go. I held on for way too long.
I kicked him out for good after she was born when I caught him trying to bathe her when he was loaded. THE SECOND TIME. He'd been trying to hide that he was drinking, tried to give her a bath like nothing was going on. Can you imagine what could have happened? I don't know what I was thinking up to that point -- probably that I had hope for him, loved him, etc -- but at that moment I knew that, love aside, I couldn't trust him again.
Like everyone else says above, have a Plan B ready to go. I've been a single parent for a long time, and I can tell you from experience that despite its challenges it beats trying to live with and co-parent with an addict, hands down.
I kicked him out for good after she was born when I caught him trying to bathe her when he was loaded. THE SECOND TIME. He'd been trying to hide that he was drinking, tried to give her a bath like nothing was going on. Can you imagine what could have happened? I don't know what I was thinking up to that point -- probably that I had hope for him, loved him, etc -- but at that moment I knew that, love aside, I couldn't trust him again.
Like everyone else says above, have a Plan B ready to go. I've been a single parent for a long time, and I can tell you from experience that despite its challenges it beats trying to live with and co-parent with an addict, hands down.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Bella01 
I should add that he is adamant he will never quit completely. But he wants to be able to drink in moderation. Is this a possibility? Cause I've seen no evidence so far.
.I'm an alcoholic and I could never moderate my drinking. The more I tried, the more I drank. When I wasn't drinking I was obsessing over when I could drink. It is a never ending cycle. Alcoholism is progressive and normally just gets worse, it certainly was that way for me.
I am so sorry you are going thru this. Lots of great advice here. Please take care of yourself, you need to put you and your baby's needs first.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Ugh... I'm sorry you're going through this.
I have a one-year-old and a three-year-old. I started to realize AH had a serious problem when I was pregnant with my second one...
For me, being a mother has been so much more wonderful and rewarding than I ever dreamed it would be, but also SO much more challenging than I ever dreamed it would be. When you add to that the impossible challenges of living with an active A... Wow... It's REALLY difficult. I didn't want to be a single mother, but I think, like Lexiecat said, many times it would have been much easier for me without my AH, and better for my kids. I would have been happier, and more present for them.
TAKE CARE OF YOU RIGHT NOW. Enjoy the next few weeks before the baby comes and take as much time as you can just for you... "me time" will be be extremely rare after baby comes
HUGS
I have a one-year-old and a three-year-old. I started to realize AH had a serious problem when I was pregnant with my second one...
For me, being a mother has been so much more wonderful and rewarding than I ever dreamed it would be, but also SO much more challenging than I ever dreamed it would be. When you add to that the impossible challenges of living with an active A... Wow... It's REALLY difficult. I didn't want to be a single mother, but I think, like Lexiecat said, many times it would have been much easier for me without my AH, and better for my kids. I would have been happier, and more present for them.
TAKE CARE OF YOU RIGHT NOW. Enjoy the next few weeks before the baby comes and take as much time as you can just for you... "me time" will be be extremely rare after baby comes
HUGS
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
"I kicked him out for good after she was born when I caught him trying to bathe her when he was loaded. THE SECOND TIME. He'd been trying to hide that he was drinking, tried to give her a bath like nothing was going on. Can you imagine what could have happened? I don't know what I was thinking up to that point -- probably that I had hope for him, loved him, etc -- but at that moment I knew that, love aside, I couldn't trust him again."
Florence brings up a good point. I had a similar situation when I left my 1 year old at home with AH when he was about three months old. I came home to AH passed out on the couch next to a pile of vomit on the floor and my sweet baby crying in his crib for who knows how long. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. I felt so much guilt and remorse. What was I thinking???
I did not kick AH out, but have never and will never again leave either one of my children alone with him if I have any suspicion he may be drinking. This made things really difficult financially. AH was unemployed at the time, and I was working full time, so I had to take both of them to day care or have them go with my mother every single day while he stayed home and drank. Almost $1,000 per month for four days per week of day care, and my mother took them the fifth day.
As I'm writing this, I'm thinking, WTF was I thinking? Why did I put up with this BS?
Why am I still putting up with it? Things are better FOR NOW, but still...
But... we all have to take our journey at our own pace. It is SO hard.
Do whatever you have to do to protect that baby
Florence brings up a good point. I had a similar situation when I left my 1 year old at home with AH when he was about three months old. I came home to AH passed out on the couch next to a pile of vomit on the floor and my sweet baby crying in his crib for who knows how long. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. I felt so much guilt and remorse. What was I thinking???
I did not kick AH out, but have never and will never again leave either one of my children alone with him if I have any suspicion he may be drinking. This made things really difficult financially. AH was unemployed at the time, and I was working full time, so I had to take both of them to day care or have them go with my mother every single day while he stayed home and drank. Almost $1,000 per month for four days per week of day care, and my mother took them the fifth day.
As I'm writing this, I'm thinking, WTF was I thinking? Why did I put up with this BS?
Why am I still putting up with it? Things are better FOR NOW, but still...
But... we all have to take our journey at our own pace. It is SO hard.
Do whatever you have to do to protect that baby
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I almost lost my children to CPS because my mother was loaded while she was supposed to be watching them. I wouldn't trust an active alcoholic with any child for any amount of time. Big life events like marriage and babies magnify the issues, not diminish them. He will not stop drinking when the baby comes. He won't stop if get married. He won't stop if you have a second child together. Moderation is not an option. He's told you he won't quit. What you do to protect yourself and your baby is all that matters right now, because even if he sticks around, he can't be trusted to be anything remotely resembling a good father.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: London
Posts: 8
Thank you everyone for your kind replies!
I've made my decision to leave. There was yet another argument last night that made a few things very clear. I think in my head I always gave his actions excuses because like he said 'you don't understand and until you go through it yourself, you have no idea' etc. Which is true to some extent.
I find it difficult to tell when he's had a drink. Obviously I can when he's off his face. But he can be extremely drunk and still be able to function quite normally. Sometimes there a few subtle hints like the eye rolling and slight slur of the last word. Sometimes there's no give a way at all.
But normally I could tell you exactly what his response to our regular alcohol arguments will be, word for word, depending on whether he's been drinking or not. I mean, we've had 33 weeks of this. When he's drunk, it's always on the defensive and he always has an answer for everything. When he hasn't had a drink for the day, it's apologetic and respectful.
However last night I was under the impression he hadn't had a drink all day as was his day off and he had spent most of it cleaning our flat. I hadn't spoken to him much at all during the day and eventually I felt like I needed to bring it up as he was clearly just going to avoid the issue forever, sat on the sofa in silence.
I asked him what he thought would change when she's here and instantly his attitude sucked.
'I don't know, probably nothing, well I'm just **** aren't I' etc...
I tried again and for the millionth time, asked him why I should put up with it to which he just said 'I don't know, but there's nothing I can say about it right now is there.'
More mundane arguing. But the clincher was when he told me that he's not an alcoholic anymore and that he can control it. He can now drink moderately and he is never going to quit alcohol completely just because he has a kid. I asked him why he came back off his face not three days ago when he specifically told me he wouldn't get drunk before he left and he just said, 'oh I had every intention of coming back drunk I just didn't want to tell you that and for you to ruin my night'. With a stupid little smirk on his face.
So that's it, I officially can't make excuses up for him anymore. I should never have from the beginning but to hear it said out loud like that... That he is fully aware he's gonna upset me and just doesn't care at all... Both hurt deeply and came as a relief.
Everyone's stories above just sound so similar already and I just cry every day. The comment about rushing to the window every time you hear a car door slam, hoping it was him coming back... That's literally me! Like a little dog and I hate it.
He's definitely opened my eyes more. He put it across like the majority of the time it was involuntary and getting drunk 'just happened'... But the comment made last night proves he's just cruel.
Angry at myself for not allowing much time to figure out what to do now. The prospect of being a single parent terrifies me to death. Trying to block out all the emotional side of it right now but there's so much hurt to get over at some point it's difficult. And I feel guilty for my daughter. Parents are supposed to be your rock, your superhero. And neither of us are living up to that right now
I've made my decision to leave. There was yet another argument last night that made a few things very clear. I think in my head I always gave his actions excuses because like he said 'you don't understand and until you go through it yourself, you have no idea' etc. Which is true to some extent.
I find it difficult to tell when he's had a drink. Obviously I can when he's off his face. But he can be extremely drunk and still be able to function quite normally. Sometimes there a few subtle hints like the eye rolling and slight slur of the last word. Sometimes there's no give a way at all.
But normally I could tell you exactly what his response to our regular alcohol arguments will be, word for word, depending on whether he's been drinking or not. I mean, we've had 33 weeks of this. When he's drunk, it's always on the defensive and he always has an answer for everything. When he hasn't had a drink for the day, it's apologetic and respectful.
However last night I was under the impression he hadn't had a drink all day as was his day off and he had spent most of it cleaning our flat. I hadn't spoken to him much at all during the day and eventually I felt like I needed to bring it up as he was clearly just going to avoid the issue forever, sat on the sofa in silence.
I asked him what he thought would change when she's here and instantly his attitude sucked.
'I don't know, probably nothing, well I'm just **** aren't I' etc...
I tried again and for the millionth time, asked him why I should put up with it to which he just said 'I don't know, but there's nothing I can say about it right now is there.'
More mundane arguing. But the clincher was when he told me that he's not an alcoholic anymore and that he can control it. He can now drink moderately and he is never going to quit alcohol completely just because he has a kid. I asked him why he came back off his face not three days ago when he specifically told me he wouldn't get drunk before he left and he just said, 'oh I had every intention of coming back drunk I just didn't want to tell you that and for you to ruin my night'. With a stupid little smirk on his face.
So that's it, I officially can't make excuses up for him anymore. I should never have from the beginning but to hear it said out loud like that... That he is fully aware he's gonna upset me and just doesn't care at all... Both hurt deeply and came as a relief.
Everyone's stories above just sound so similar already and I just cry every day. The comment about rushing to the window every time you hear a car door slam, hoping it was him coming back... That's literally me! Like a little dog and I hate it.
He's definitely opened my eyes more. He put it across like the majority of the time it was involuntary and getting drunk 'just happened'... But the comment made last night proves he's just cruel.
Angry at myself for not allowing much time to figure out what to do now. The prospect of being a single parent terrifies me to death. Trying to block out all the emotional side of it right now but there's so much hurt to get over at some point it's difficult. And I feel guilty for my daughter. Parents are supposed to be your rock, your superhero. And neither of us are living up to that right now
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am really sorry you are having to deal with this.
"The prospect of being a single parent terrifies me to death"
For those who have lived with active alcoholics while having children I believe the opinion is different. Imagine not only having the responsibility of a newborn/toddler, but also the responsibility of making sure the A did not hurt your child? Dealing with him coming home drunk and wanting to hold the baby? Driving drunk with the baby? That is double duty. Makes me shudder at the thought.
You will do fine and you are awesome!
"The prospect of being a single parent terrifies me to death"
For those who have lived with active alcoholics while having children I believe the opinion is different. Imagine not only having the responsibility of a newborn/toddler, but also the responsibility of making sure the A did not hurt your child? Dealing with him coming home drunk and wanting to hold the baby? Driving drunk with the baby? That is double duty. Makes me shudder at the thought.
You will do fine and you are awesome!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Bella.....I have been a single parent. Once you accept that idea...it is not nearly as hard as having a child PLUS the torment of having a dysfunctional mate, also.
I know that you can do whatever you need to do. Right now---start gathering your support people around you. I suggest that you start thinking of getting someone to be with you during the birthing and immediate prenatal period. If you mate shows up or is of any help--just consider that a bit of gravy---but don't count on it!!!
It is startling how often the alcoholic mate will "tie one on" at the time of the birth. That is how they tend to handle all feelings. I worked at a woman's hospital, at one point. There were countless mates--sometimes with their whole drunk family-- who would show up at the hospital!
No meaning to scare you...I am just trying to say to plan as much as you can for what is best for you and your wee one at the very important time of the birth.
The way things have shaped up--You don't need him. A birth is a happy time in your life and you certainly don't need a millstone around your neck!
dandylion
dandylion
I know that you can do whatever you need to do. Right now---start gathering your support people around you. I suggest that you start thinking of getting someone to be with you during the birthing and immediate prenatal period. If you mate shows up or is of any help--just consider that a bit of gravy---but don't count on it!!!
It is startling how often the alcoholic mate will "tie one on" at the time of the birth. That is how they tend to handle all feelings. I worked at a woman's hospital, at one point. There were countless mates--sometimes with their whole drunk family-- who would show up at the hospital!
No meaning to scare you...I am just trying to say to plan as much as you can for what is best for you and your wee one at the very important time of the birth.
The way things have shaped up--You don't need him. A birth is a happy time in your life and you certainly don't need a millstone around your neck!
dandylion
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
It's time to pull together Team Bella and Team Baby Bella! It's sad your A can't be on the team, but that doesn't mean you're alone. A baby is a wonderful thing, and you will be in love with this little girl, and you'll figure it out and be just fine. Women do this all the time. All the time!
Being a single parent is challenging, but it's not an obstacle that's really difficult to overcome. I don't like talking about it that way. Money will be tight, and time will be tight, but the opportunity to be a parent is gravy.
Being a single parent is challenging, but it's not an obstacle that's really difficult to overcome. I don't like talking about it that way. Money will be tight, and time will be tight, but the opportunity to be a parent is gravy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I found life as a single parent is actually easier than being the only adult in the house with an alcoholic partner. I moved to be closer to my family so I have a lot more help and support than I did when we lived together. And that help is safe and reliable. I don't have to worry about anyone getting stinking drunk while they are supposed to be responsible for my kids, or spending grocery and bill money on booze. I am actually better off financially now than when we were together. He didn't contribute much, and when he did he held it over my head like it was the greatest achievement known to modern man. Look here, I (insert basic adult responsibility here- mowed the lawn, paid a bill, put gas in the car). Not that all of those things ever happened at once, mind you. Each individual one was a big enough deal to only be about a monthly occurrence.
I don't have to walk on eggshells trying to tiptoe around anyone's moods or spend my life chasing after a grown man with a roll of paper towels a jug of laundry detergent and a pack of diapers because he is a bigger baby than either one of my kids ever was.
I was also scared to make the leap, now I wonder why I waited so long.
I don't have to walk on eggshells trying to tiptoe around anyone's moods or spend my life chasing after a grown man with a roll of paper towels a jug of laundry detergent and a pack of diapers because he is a bigger baby than either one of my kids ever was.
I was also scared to make the leap, now I wonder why I waited so long.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Bella, your story resonates with me so much. As I told you above, I was the same age as you and was going through the same thing. My XAH was 10 years older than me also. It is terrifying, I know. I remember that feeling so very well and I remember the same reactions out of him during the many times I tried to talk to him about getting sober and being a part of our lives.
Do you have family and friends to support you while you get your feet on the ground? Childbirth and pregnancy is such an emotional time and you're going to need support.
What I can promise you is that you CAN do this. Once that little girl is here, that mother instinct to protect her and take care of her at all costs will kick in double time. Raising a child on your own is hard, I won't lie, but what is even harder is raising a child with an alcoholic that isn't safe around your child. You move into adult life with adult responsibilities and they stay where they are, usually getting worse, and making your life as a new mother a living hell.
Some of the absolute happiest times of my life were when I was single and raising my oldest daughter. It also pushed me to get my degree to make a better life for her and I. I told myself that she didn't ask for this and there was no way that she was going to suffer because I made the mistake of falling in love with a selfish alcoholic.
You're so young sweetheart. You have your whole entire life ahead of you. There is so much better out there, that I promise you. Please be strong and know that we're all here to support you. You can, and will, do this and you'll do a great job!
Lots of hugs!
Do you have family and friends to support you while you get your feet on the ground? Childbirth and pregnancy is such an emotional time and you're going to need support.
What I can promise you is that you CAN do this. Once that little girl is here, that mother instinct to protect her and take care of her at all costs will kick in double time. Raising a child on your own is hard, I won't lie, but what is even harder is raising a child with an alcoholic that isn't safe around your child. You move into adult life with adult responsibilities and they stay where they are, usually getting worse, and making your life as a new mother a living hell.
Some of the absolute happiest times of my life were when I was single and raising my oldest daughter. It also pushed me to get my degree to make a better life for her and I. I told myself that she didn't ask for this and there was no way that she was going to suffer because I made the mistake of falling in love with a selfish alcoholic.
You're so young sweetheart. You have your whole entire life ahead of you. There is so much better out there, that I promise you. Please be strong and know that we're all here to support you. You can, and will, do this and you'll do a great job!
Lots of hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: London
Posts: 8
Can't thank you all enough for these positive messages, it's such a relief to hear that you are not alone in all of this and there are people who understand, yet awful to know you've been in the same situation!
No idea how things will turn out from here as I haven't a clue how he will react or how involved he will want to be during all the different stages my daughter will be going through from birth, but one thing at a time! Cross those bridges when we come to it.
That was definitely holding me back before, too many questions running through my head and too many scenarios playing out in my mind, but starting to feel a lot more confident that I can do this!
As for support etc... I have faith that my parents will help out as best they can, but I haven't really told them anything about him throughout the duration of this pregnancy. Not sure why, possibly embarrassment, being ashamed, wishful thinking, I don't know. I didn't want them to get a pre conceived idea of this guy without getting to know him. That was another mistake looking back as not sure how much of a shock this is going to be. But they love me and we have relatively good relationships so that's a positive
No idea how things will turn out from here as I haven't a clue how he will react or how involved he will want to be during all the different stages my daughter will be going through from birth, but one thing at a time! Cross those bridges when we come to it.
That was definitely holding me back before, too many questions running through my head and too many scenarios playing out in my mind, but starting to feel a lot more confident that I can do this!
As for support etc... I have faith that my parents will help out as best they can, but I haven't really told them anything about him throughout the duration of this pregnancy. Not sure why, possibly embarrassment, being ashamed, wishful thinking, I don't know. I didn't want them to get a pre conceived idea of this guy without getting to know him. That was another mistake looking back as not sure how much of a shock this is going to be. But they love me and we have relatively good relationships so that's a positive
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Oh I bet your heart broke a little at that smirk. But now you know where he is. That is not a fun place to be.
You, on the other hand, have so much excitement ahead of you. It is all going to be OK. Ring up your parents and just say you gave the father time, he's not ready, you need some emotional support moving forward...
eHugs!!
You, on the other hand, have so much excitement ahead of you. It is all going to be OK. Ring up your parents and just say you gave the father time, he's not ready, you need some emotional support moving forward...
eHugs!!
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