12stepwife

My AH is coming home from rehab Sunday He's been there for 75 days. I will be attending a 3 day family class from Friday to Sunday at the center and then we will leave together. It's been so peaceful with him gone, lonely but peaceful. I'm afraid of him coming home, afraid to start the cycle again. I'm praying for the best but expecting the worse. I'm happy he's coming home sort of. He seems so full of Hope and I feel guilty for not feeling the same way. I've found that I like doing what I want when I want and not being judged, not trying to please anyone, not being griped at and not having any expectations of me. I've been responsible for taking care of people my entire adult life. I'm just tired of it all. I've raised my kids and now if I want to sit on my butt after work then that's what I want to do. I just don't know if I have it in 9 anymore. Some days I miss him terribly and other days I'm glad he's gone. I'm starting to think I'm bipolar or something. Happy one minute, depressed or sad another and pissed off another minute. The magic is gone between us and I don't know how to get it back or if I even want to. Am I going crazy? I don't know what I want anymore. I'd like to crawl in a hole and be left alone for awhile. No work, no phone,nobodY wanting or needing a piece of me, I just feel like I have nothing left to give, I've been picked dry. Does anyone else eve feel like this?

Soberintexas007

I would suggest trying to keep a positive and optimistic attitude when your husband comes home. He has probably done some good work at the rehab, and a positive environment for him to come home to will be a good start.

FeelingGreat

hi 12step. I hope it goes well for you both when he comes home. Something struck me about your post though, and that's that you equate him coming home with you HAVING to act in a certain way.
- you can't do what you want
- being judged
- you must try to please
- not getting to sit on your butt
- giving of yourself

This might be a good time to revise what you'll accept from him. He doesn't get to gripe at you, judge you, dictate what you do with your time. YOU will stop censoring your behaviour to please him, you will make your own decisions about how you spend your time, you will do what you want when you want. If you don't feel like cooking tea, then you don't. Tired? Sit down and have a rest.

You have 3 days to go over this before he comes home. Write it down to remind yourself. You never know, it might even put some magic back into your relationship. But you have to get your attitude straight in your own mind fist.

LexieCat

You're not crazy, and I seriously doubt you're bipolar. Living with an alcoholic makes us all feel that way.

Take it a day at a time when he comes home. FeelingGreat's got some good suggestions. Think about your own boundaries. You have the right to live the kind of life you want to. It isn't your job to babysit him or make him all comfy. Are you going to Al-Anon? If you keep the focus on you, rather than on him, you stand a better chance of having the kind of life you want.

Nobody has a crystal ball. Early sobriety is tough for most people--recovering alcoholics and partners. Nobody has quite settled into a "new normal" yet. Don't expect too much change too soon. Keep an open mind and a wait-and-see attitude. You'll soon find out whether he is serious about his recovery, and you will eventually learn whether you want to continue with the relationship. Either way, though, you can't go wrong if you keep the focus on YOU.

dandylion

12stepwife....I think that these feelings are pretty typical....as you will see this sentiment expressed over and over and over..... in the other personal accounts given on this forum---literally, hundreds!

I think the above post by FeelingGreat is right on....

I will just add that having support for yourself during the early recovery period is essential!

dandylion

LexieCat

Just one other thought, though it might be a little late in the game to consider it. If the thought of living with him makes you too uncomfortable right now, there are "sober living" houses that provide support for recovery. Sort of a "halfway house" kind of situation.

You have to gauge your own level of anxiety about it, but if you think something like that is needed, call the rehab and talk to one of the counselors about it. Just a thought.

daisy6234

One of my RAS sponsor said "for the addict recovering it was a car wreck, for the family it was a train wreck". He went to rehab in February for 60 days, lived in sober living, then living on his own, working being responsible for himself. I am just now better when he comes home to visit. It takes time to heal. Allow yourself that. And don't feel guilty for being selfish. As my son keeps telling me " I have to be selfish for my recovery and work myself". Us in recovery have to be selfish in healing ourselves. You've been through ALOT. Don't discount it.

CodeJob

What will he be expected to do when he gets back with the real world?

Will he be going to meetings daily (if he's doing a 12 step program)? Will he be seeing an addictions counselor? Does he need to start back at a job or find a new one? What are his responsibilities at the home?

When mine came back, he went to meetings QD for about a month. He went on a major house repair kick for about a month, then slowed down the pace but did A LOT of painting/staining & guy stuff in the garage. He also cooked, did laundry and helped out with kid stuff as he was job hunting.

Even when he got back to work full time, he continues to help A LOT more than he used to with family stuff. Because I don't do everything anymore.

You have every right to have these feelings. And if they don't go away, you can tell him good bye on your terms ANY day.