yourpowell1

I am in need of some validation.

Husband relapsed again, said he is throwing in the towel of recovery because "some people never make it and maybe he is one of them". He left recovery house and moved into a motel. Now spiraling out of control, left job, drinking all day, telling me "he is done with our marriage".

I know I am grieving the loss of my marriage and the fear of death for my husband. I'm trying really hard not to take all of this personally but I am struggling with that. If he loved me, he wouldn't throw our marriage away, right?

I'm so hurt and want to know that I didn't support and encourage him through 2 treatment centers for nothing; just to be dumped. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

LexieCat

He isn't capable of loving you right now. The addiction is so strong that it simply takes over. It truly ISN'T personal, not in the way it may look or feel to you. It isn't personal the way it would be if your husband were sane and rational and he coldly said he didn't love you.

It still hurts to have this happen--I know, I was the one who left, but it still hurt to know he was killing himself and nothing I did or didn't do would make any difference.

I'm so sorry you're in pain right now. Just a caution, though, he may sober up a bit in a day or week or two and be remorseful and promise to change again. But unless he really WANTS sobriety--with all his heart--it will be rinse and repeat.

Hugs, keep posting. It does help.

NWGRITS

I am so sorry you're dealing with this. It's awful hearing these things. But, here's the thing: this has nothing to do with you. His drinking, his depression, his downward spiral have nothing to do with you. He is an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do. This is all him and his alcoholism. It's so hard to not take it personally, but it isn't about you or your marriage at all. Are you going to Al-Anon or seeing a therapist?

yourpowell1

NWGRITS,
I was seeing a therapist and in Alanon when he first went into tx and continued through his second tx. I continually read alanon literature but making meetings is hard. I am doing the best I can.

I second guess how I have handled this. Should I have been less hard nosed and allowed him to come home? Should I have just sucked it up and let him drink without my harping? Should I have just allowed him home and tried to detach as much as possible?

I wouldn't allow him home when he relapsed because I thought I was taking care of myself and our 10 year old. In the last I have learned that I struggle greatly with detaching. Living away from him while he got his act together was the best way for ME to handle his alcoholism. Now, I am feeling as though I pushed him toward this horrible relapse that may kill him.

suki44883

Oh, please don't think that it was anything you did or did not do that has caused him to drink. It has been said often, but, he is drinking because that is what alcoholics do who aren't yet ready to stop. He isn't drinking AT you, he's drinking because he wants to drink.

For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision not to allow him to come home when he relapsed. You have a 10 year old daughter to consider and there is little worse than growing up in a home with active addiction. Both she and you deserve better. (((HUGS)))

yourpowell1

With every other relapse he has been so remorseful, begging to come home, telling me he he wants sobriety more than anything because he will lose everything if he doesn't.

Now he says he is going to "be true to himself" and drink. He's done trying to get sober for his family. I get it has to be for himself but still it's very hurtful. Are we not worth your wanting to live a healthy life?

suki44883

You are trying to make logic out of addiction, which is the definition of illogical. An addict's most imperative need is getting more of his drug. His brain is affected and he doesn't think like a normal person. What makes perfect sense to you is totally illogical to him and vise versa.

Don't beat your head against a stone wall trying to figure it out. You can't because unless you are an addict, it's impossible to think like one.

yourpowell1

Thank you everyone for helping me out here. I have a hard time asking for help and I am grateful for each of your posts. Please keep them coming and I will continue to respond. I am finding this very helpful.

CodeJob

Peace to you and yours! You have made decisions as best you could and kept your sanity as much as possible so you could be present for your daughter.

dandylion

You can't take anything seriously that a Person says when they are drunk.
Nothing.

dandylion

LeeJane

Sorry you are going through this. Just to add to the other voices, as hard as this is on you, it truly isn't personal. It is an A doing one of the insane things they do.

DoubleBarrel

As a recovering alcoholic, I would suggest you take care of you. This might be moving on, and away from his drama, his addiction, his problems.
He is in a desperate selfish, self destructive place and there is nothing you can do about him.
Be good to yourself.

NWGRITS

Yes, keeping your child away from the chaos an alcoholic brings is imperative. No child deserves that kind of life. We didn't ask to have dysfunctional parents, and unless one parent becomes strong enough to provide a stable environment, there's usually no one to speak up for the children. It's a nightmare of a childhood. I'm in my 30s and still just starting to work on the mess that is my life as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. Do the best you can for your daughter and yourself. Your AH is going to do whatever he's going to do with or without you.

I'd personally rather not take the ride through hell. There's so much that's good in world, and you completely overlook it when you're tangled up with an active A. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and definitely can't cure it. Loving him from a distance while you work on yourself is the safest, most sane thing to do.

LadyinBC

You did no such thing, so take that thought right out of your head right now. And never second guess anything you have done. The only person who can push us to relapse is ourselves.

I was very selfish when I drank, all I wanted was to drink and get drunk and stay that way. And that was my choice alone, no one made me do it.

It is very important that you take care of yourself and to remember that you need to recover from all this too. Our alcoholism just doesn't affect us, it hurts everyone else around us. So please be gentle with yourself.

I am so sorry you are going thru this.

Eauchiche

My mate pretty much told me it's over in an e-mail last week. This has relieved me from the burden of trying to reconcile. I am also quite sure I tried everything from my end to work it out. Now I can move on.

lillamy

You are worth a life without addiction. You can create that for yourself. Your husband is an adult, who is making the choices he's making because he's an alcoholic. It has nothing to do with your value or worth whatsoever.

When I left AXH, I built a support structure of friend around me -- people who would take my kids to the movies or for a sleepover when I needed a break; people who'd let me borrow their teenage boys to move furniture; people who would sit with me over a cup of coffee and talk or not talk and just be there. Al-Anon and this place here really helped me as well, especially when it came to understanding that nothing I did and nothing I had done affected whether my ex drank or not.

"He's not drinking at you -- he's just drinking" as the Al-Anon saying goes.

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you, this is indeed a painful thing to go through. Alanon saved my sanity, the support of others who have been in my shoes got me through the worst of it. God bless

freetosmile

My AH does the same thing. He relapses, binges for a few days and tells me all the while that I am the reason he can't get sober...blah blah...but the pattern is the same. A few days later he will be very remorseful and apologetic.

The bummer part about that is that I'm still so wrapped up in my codependent BS that I will accept his apology, and try to forget the whole thing. That's great for him, bad for me...because I still hear all the hurtful words replay in my head and I know in my heart that I haven't forgiven....and I SHOULDN'T...until I'm ready.

yourpowell1

Thank you everyone who has responded with exactly what I needed to hear; he is going to drink regardless of my actions until he is ready to quit.

I thought of my post today and wanted to get home and read all of the replys from last night and was delighted to see even more folks replied with positive validation.

I never in a million years would have believed this is where my husband and our marriage would end up so I am grieving the wish of a family life with this man. I believe that is what's making it so hard for me to digest. I know I have to walk away and take care of myself and our child and I will. It doesn't take the pain away though.

yourpowell1

Thank you everyone who has responded with exactly what I needed to hear; he is going to drink regardless of my actions until he is ready to quit.

I thought of my post today and wanted to get home and read all of the replys from last night and was delighted to see even more folks replied with positive validation.

I never in a million years would have believed this is where my husband and our marriage would end up so I am grieving the wish of a family life with this man. I believe that is what's making it so hard for me to digest. I know I have to walk away and take care of myself and our child and I will. It doesn't take the pain away though.