Totally Lost
 

My Boyfriend is an alcoholic. We have been together 8 and half years. In that eight years we have went thru detox 8 times and rehab 2 times. This last time he has been sober for 11 months but I have a feeling he is starting to relapse. Not sure what to do this time. I thought I smelled alcohol on his breath last night but not sure and I don't want to say something to him unless I know for sure. What do I do?:a108:

Hi there, and welcome.

It sounds very stressful for you, to deal with all those detoxes and rehabs, and I assume quite a bit of him drinking inbetween. Have you got any support during any of those times -- any family groups in counseling, or have you done any individual counseling or gone to Al-Anon?

I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years, and I found that I spent so much time worrying about him -- was he drunk? was he breathing? would he die? -- that I totally neglected myself. It wasn't until I started going to Al-Anon that I could even really admit that I wasn't happy in a relationship with a guy who was drunk every night.

As for what you can do about him choosing to take a relapse? Nothing. If he's chosen to drink again, he's chosen to drink again.

In Al-Anon, we talk about the three Cs: You didn't CAUSE his alcoholism; you can't CONTROL it; and you can't CURE it.

He's an adult and he is going to make decisions for himself. You can't control whether he drinks -- the only thing you can control is you and your reactions, attitudes, and choices.

If he's started drinking again, you'll find out soon enough. I think the question I would ask is -- what are you doing to take care of yourself in this situation?

What would you say to him that you haven't already?
Eight years is a long time. I was with my ex for five and I tried every combination of words known to man trying to get him to admit he had a problem and see things my way. It was a colossal waste of oxygen and of my time and energy.
There's a concept of playing this scenario through to the end that I really like (thanks Florence).
So you confront him about your suspicions. He denies it. You argue. You get upset and doubt yourself and feel crazy. Nothing is solved.
OR
You confront him. He admits to drinking, makes a big tearful promise to change then does the same thing he's been doing for eight years which is drink and deny and make empty promises. Nothing is solved.
OR
You leave it alone. Go to an Alanon meeting. Keep posting here. Leave him to make his own choices and face his own consequences. You get stronger, more confident. You gain self esteem and start turning your life around and realize that his drinking isn't your problem to solve.

You let him do what he is going to do.

Just protect yourself from harm or damage that can be caused by his actions.

TO, You need to accept that your bf is an addict and will always be an addict. I am so sorry for your pain, as I would not wish anyone to have to love an addict. I am so sorry!!

During all the times your bf was getting sober, did you do any help for yourself. If you see that he is slipping then you should be working "your" program. Go to some alanon meetings, open AA meetings and keep reading SR. That is the only thing you can do, as he knows what he is doing and he has to be accountable for himself. He is the only one that can make himself sober.

I am sorry but you are going to have to give him to your higher power (mine is God) and let him take care of him. That's all you can do...
((((((((((hugs))))))))))

What do you do?

1)Believe your own truth. If you instinct tells you he's using, he very likely is.
2)Make a plan to take care of yourself without worrying about him or his "needs".
You have needs too, and the right to live a life without addiction or an addict and to have a peaceful life.

It sounds to me like you've stood by him through thick and thin but he is still using.
That's his choice, but you also get to choose.

What kinds of decisions do you have to make, or are ready to consider at this time?

I have been talking to his sponsor and my family. I've learned a lot in the last eight years but this just thru me for a loop because it came out of no where.:tyou