Not Sure What to DO - Scared About Telling BF about DUI A Year Ago
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Not Sure What to DO - Scared About Telling BF about DUI A Year Ago
Hi,
I usually post to the "friends and family of substance abusers" forum because I was very much involved with a drug addict but find myself reaching out to get the opinions of others who have dealt with alcohol. I really just need some support in telling a new partner about a DUI conviction I got for a citation I received well over a year ago when I was going through a road block. I have been seeing this person for three months and feel it would be best to be transparent about the DUI, even though I don't feel it will effect our relationship since it has nothing to do with us and we had not even been in contact at the time I received the citation. I feel my gut pulling on me to come clean about this and am so embarrassed to say anything at all. I was leaving a wedding and hit a road block, blew over the limit and that was that. Can anyone offer any advice or support on how to come clean about the truth of this matter, how they handled similar situations, or what to expect when I come clean? I'm nervous and scared and embarrassed. Any support/feedback would be really appreciated. I'm really reaching out for consolation in the dark right now....
I usually post to the "friends and family of substance abusers" forum because I was very much involved with a drug addict but find myself reaching out to get the opinions of others who have dealt with alcohol. I really just need some support in telling a new partner about a DUI conviction I got for a citation I received well over a year ago when I was going through a road block. I have been seeing this person for three months and feel it would be best to be transparent about the DUI, even though I don't feel it will effect our relationship since it has nothing to do with us and we had not even been in contact at the time I received the citation. I feel my gut pulling on me to come clean about this and am so embarrassed to say anything at all. I was leaving a wedding and hit a road block, blew over the limit and that was that. Can anyone offer any advice or support on how to come clean about the truth of this matter, how they handled similar situations, or what to expect when I come clean? I'm nervous and scared and embarrassed. Any support/feedback would be really appreciated. I'm really reaching out for consolation in the dark right now....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I don't know. I really don't. See, I'm one of those people who like you dated several addicts, and I'm at the point now that if I dated a guy and he said he had a DUI, I'd walk away right then and there -- because it would be such a red flag for me.
OTOH, I think it's a good "test" of the communications in any relationship, whether you feel comfortable being honest about something like that, about past mistakes.
I'm a pretty unromantic, no-nonsense person these days, so I would probably just say something like "listen -- I don't want there to be any hidden secrets between us, and I don't know how important you think this is, but I wanted to tell you about a big whopping stupid mistake I made before we met."
OTOH, I think it's a good "test" of the communications in any relationship, whether you feel comfortable being honest about something like that, about past mistakes.
I'm a pretty unromantic, no-nonsense person these days, so I would probably just say something like "listen -- I don't want there to be any hidden secrets between us, and I don't know how important you think this is, but I wanted to tell you about a big whopping stupid mistake I made before we met."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
I think you should tell him. I have always prescribed to full disclosure early on in things. If they don't like what they hear, they most likely won't like it any better later on.
Now that isn't to say you air all your dirty laundry on the first date, but I tend to lay all of me out there before we get much past the "I think I like you" state.
Because of this, I find I get along pretty well with most people. It happened before them, its past and it won't happen again is the impression they get when I own it without it being drug out of me.
Now that isn't to say you air all your dirty laundry on the first date, but I tend to lay all of me out there before we get much past the "I think I like you" state.
Because of this, I find I get along pretty well with most people. It happened before them, its past and it won't happen again is the impression they get when I own it without it being drug out of me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
I'm with Lillamy....
I have a friend who struggled with the same question when she first got together with her husband, who is an RA. They have been together five years now, and she still has not told him. Who knows what his reaction would have been in the beginning... since he is an RA, it may have been a deal breaker, but maybe not...
Now, if he finds out somehow, I would imagine his reaction will be much different than if she would have told him five years ago.
You're gut is telling you that you should come clean, so you should probably come clean.
Good luck
I have a friend who struggled with the same question when she first got together with her husband, who is an RA. They have been together five years now, and she still has not told him. Who knows what his reaction would have been in the beginning... since he is an RA, it may have been a deal breaker, but maybe not...
Now, if he finds out somehow, I would imagine his reaction will be much different than if she would have told him five years ago.
You're gut is telling you that you should come clean, so you should probably come clean.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
To me, at this point in my life, relationships are about being honest and not playing games. AXH very successfully hid both the extent of his drinking and his mental illness from me until we were married and I was pregnant. When I asked him why he hadn't told me earlier, he simply said, "If I had told you, you would have left me."
Damn straight I would have. (And I can't believe I stayed after that.) I think if you want an honest relationship, you're going to have to be honest. If he finds that something you did in your past (a DUI, a stint as a prostitute, shoplifting, or belonging to a fringe political party) to be a deal breaker, then you might as well find that out as early as possible before you waste any more time. That's my attitude.
Damn straight I would have. (And I can't believe I stayed after that.) I think if you want an honest relationship, you're going to have to be honest. If he finds that something you did in your past (a DUI, a stint as a prostitute, shoplifting, or belonging to a fringe political party) to be a deal breaker, then you might as well find that out as early as possible before you waste any more time. That's my attitude.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
I think that all of the feedback and the advice is really good. I have known this person for 20 years and I'm not a heavy drinker, per se, but I DID leave a wedding after having too much to drink and now I'm left with the consequences. I like to think I'm a very level headed person, good job, degree, self made, self supporting, spiritual, and very compassionate towards others - but this has been haunting me because I prefer to be transparent about who I am. I live in such a way that, at the end of the day, I have a clear conscious because I'm an honest and open person - this is just hanging around as a very embarrassing mistake and my lack of confidence is making it difficult for me to be open about it. I guess there will never really be a "perfect" timing. I thought to say something on New Years day - this is me, this is my clean slate, and I'm sorry I haven't told you sooner but NO ONE knows this about me! Three people in the whole world, including my lawyer! 
I'm just finding it hard to think about the reaction to the whole thing...
I'm just finding it hard to think about the reaction to the whole thing...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
It is exactly that. An embarrassing mistake. Not a lifestyle. At least not how you depict it.
I met and was dating a girl once. She was a Type A bank VP. Very professional, personally engaging, cared about who she was and who she affected.
It took her 2 months of us dating before it finally came out that she got a DUI. In the end it was a very similar situation to what you described. She had gone to a party and a fellow there got a little too forward. She thought she was OK to drive and got out of there. She blew .09 when stopped. That is .01 higher than the limit. It is still a DUI. She felt horrible about it and thought anyone would view her badly if they knew.
And she had hired an attorney and was hoping to get the charges reduced to something lesser as this would cost her job. Now if she would have had this conversation with me at about week one this story would all be much easier to process. Instead I had to sort of "figure out" that something was awry when she never drove us anywhere. She never had a car at work, which makes me get suspicious which makes the story harder to give a green light to when you hear it. In the end she did get lesser charges and it was never a conviction, but the weight she allowed it to have was more than it deserved.
Making a mistake isn't the same as hiding a problem.
I met and was dating a girl once. She was a Type A bank VP. Very professional, personally engaging, cared about who she was and who she affected.
It took her 2 months of us dating before it finally came out that she got a DUI. In the end it was a very similar situation to what you described. She had gone to a party and a fellow there got a little too forward. She thought she was OK to drive and got out of there. She blew .09 when stopped. That is .01 higher than the limit. It is still a DUI. She felt horrible about it and thought anyone would view her badly if they knew.
And she had hired an attorney and was hoping to get the charges reduced to something lesser as this would cost her job. Now if she would have had this conversation with me at about week one this story would all be much easier to process. Instead I had to sort of "figure out" that something was awry when she never drove us anywhere. She never had a car at work, which makes me get suspicious which makes the story harder to give a green light to when you hear it. In the end she did get lesser charges and it was never a conviction, but the weight she allowed it to have was more than it deserved.
Making a mistake isn't the same as hiding a problem.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: east coast
Posts: 451
Let it go. That's the past. We all have made mistakes. Not every one who gets a dui is an alcoholic or mass murderer. You should look up the stats in your state and nation wide, duis r through the roof. Did you and this person have some sort of an agreement to share all of each others past transgressions?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Unfortunately, I have to have a breathalyzer put in my car because the state law requires if you blow over a certain level, you have one installed to get your license completely reinstated. I will have to confess eventually - it's just a matter of when I do. I can postpone as long as a year, but I'll have to come clean eventually, no matter what. There really wasn't much of a case because I went through a road block. I would LOVE to leave my past in the past. In this case, it will follow me for a year
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
I would say until it comes up say nothing. But it becomes an issue especially if you drive them a lot or you drive/borrow their car because that could affect insurance rates if their insurance company found out a driver with a recent dui has access to their vehicle. Most auto insurance companies want every driver in the residence listed.
Your call but there could be consequences other than a bad reaction
Your call but there could be consequences other than a bad reaction
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
Assuming this isn't part of your general lifestyle, and you won't be doing it again... I think you're giving it much more weight than it really deserves. I never drive after drinking at all, but that's because I'm not a very good driver and manage to have plenty of bumps without making it worse with alcohol.
I'd mention it if it comes up in conversation, but I don't see any need to make a big deal of it. It's not like your confessing to infanticide, or bigamy. I've known a couple of people who've had DUI's - and mentioned this as the reason why they don't drink at all if they're going to be driving - and I thought nothing of it.
If they'd tried driving when drunk with me as a passenger - that would be totally different. Same if they had more than one conviction, or made a habit of it.
I'd mention it if it comes up in conversation, but I don't see any need to make a big deal of it. It's not like your confessing to infanticide, or bigamy. I've known a couple of people who've had DUI's - and mentioned this as the reason why they don't drink at all if they're going to be driving - and I thought nothing of it.
If they'd tried driving when drunk with me as a passenger - that would be totally different. Same if they had more than one conviction, or made a habit of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Hey everyone
Thank you to all who commented on this post and left words of advice! I wanted to wait till after the new year to start a clean slate and really have the appropriate time on my urge to be transparent with my boyfriend, so I waited until today to tell him about my DUI. Um, he totally didn't care and he started laughing at me when I told him that I was going to have to have a breathalyzer put in my car! I basically had given myself a stomach ulcer over nothing. It's interesting how we are our own worst critics, isn't it? How people with low self esteem and low confidence can make a mountain out of a mole hill? I thought the world was going to end when I told him. I started out with, "I have a skeleton in my closet that I need to come clean with. I got a DUI back in 2013 and I haven't told you about it because I have been so embarrassed." He responded, "So? You learned your lesson didn't you? I don't care. I think it's funny that you didn't want to tell me." Then I told him about the breathalyzer and he straight up started laughing at me. Wow. Don't I feel foolish.
Thank you again everyone for your comments. It really helped to talk about it virtually before I actually confronted him!
Thank you to all who commented on this post and left words of advice! I wanted to wait till after the new year to start a clean slate and really have the appropriate time on my urge to be transparent with my boyfriend, so I waited until today to tell him about my DUI. Um, he totally didn't care and he started laughing at me when I told him that I was going to have to have a breathalyzer put in my car! I basically had given myself a stomach ulcer over nothing. It's interesting how we are our own worst critics, isn't it? How people with low self esteem and low confidence can make a mountain out of a mole hill? I thought the world was going to end when I told him. I started out with, "I have a skeleton in my closet that I need to come clean with. I got a DUI back in 2013 and I haven't told you about it because I have been so embarrassed." He responded, "So? You learned your lesson didn't you? I don't care. I think it's funny that you didn't want to tell me." Then I told him about the breathalyzer and he straight up started laughing at me. Wow. Don't I feel foolish.
Thank you again everyone for your comments. It really helped to talk about it virtually before I actually confronted him!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Yogagurl, is this the same man who recently broke into your home? I'm afraid I'm missing something here.
It seems to me that the person who broke into your home is your ex, is that right? If so, I don't see that you owe him any explanation at all.
It seems to me that the person who broke into your home is your ex, is that right? If so, I don't see that you owe him any explanation at all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Hi Seren, thank you for following my posts! No, this is not the same person who broke into my home. The person who was in my home is my ex husband. I have been since been seeing an old friend, who is the person I am referring to in this post.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yoga -- A wise person on here --
ok, it was Seren --
once commented something like, "The hallmarks of Sobriety are: Honesty, Transparency, and Humility."
We may all be wise to listen to that.
I have found her words to be true. Sounds like you did, too.
ok, it was Seren --
once commented something like, "The hallmarks of Sobriety are: Honesty, Transparency, and Humility."
We may all be wise to listen to that.
I have found her words to be true. Sounds like you did, too.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
