Trying To Trust

Old 12-15-2014, 07:13 PM
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Question Trying To Trust

This is my first post and it is a long one-sorry!

In October, my RAH underwent routine surgery and ended up in ICU for 11 days due to severe alcohol withdrawal. He was delusional, and incoherent, suffering from serious DT's, for seven of those days, and then just as he was starting to come out of the DT's, had to have emergency open-heart surgery when two massive blood clots formed in his heart. He was hours from death via embolism according to the surgeon.

After a month in the hospital and short-term rehab (physical, not alcohol), he is now home. He has been sober for 84 days. He has not sought help from any support groups, but is very open about his drinking, the fact that it nearly killed him and that he can never drink alcohol again. He wants our friends and family to know about what happened and has not tried to hide the fact that he is an alcoholic (in fact he finds it easier to use that term than I did in the beginning). He does not seem to miss drinking and says that he did enough drinking for a lifetime, and is okay with not being able to drink ever again. When I ask him if he thinks AA or another group would be good for him, he says no, that isn't his style (he is not one to open up to strangers). He says he just wants to heal physically and that all he has to do is look at the scar from the heart surgery to remind him of what alcohol did to him. He also remembers some of the hallucinations and the dark place he had gone to during the DT's. He promises that he will call his doctor, me or our oldest son if he feels the urge to drink and does not think he can withstand it.

I knew he drank, but he was a functioning alcoholic who hid the true extent of his drinking from me and our kids for about 2 years (a pint of vodka or tequila a day). Never physically abusive, just cranky and excessively tired early at night. He would go to bed early-sometimes soon after I got home from work. He has other health issues and is on a lot of meds, so I at first gave him the benefit of the doubt. I suspected for the past year or so that he was drinking more than he let on, but couldn't prove it, and of course, he denied it.

I have to say that the household is so much nicer now, no more walking on egg shells not to wake him up (that's when he would get cranky). We are getting along much better and talk about it every day. He confided in me that he had wanted to stop drinking for months but didn't know how. Not that he wanted it to happen the way it did, he is, in a strange way, glad that it did, because he probably would not have stopped otherwise. He is not religious, but feels that God has better things planned for him.

It just seems to be too good to be true that he can be so determined to recover on his own. Can alcoholics have such a life-altering event that they can stop on their own for good?

How can I learn to trust him again? He is unemployed and home alone much of the day. He does seem sober, and his behavior has not returned to the way it was when he was drinking, but then I find myself zeroing on every word or action, looking for a slur, or if he seems extra tired I start to imagine that its because he has been drinking. I'm not sure if I am paranoid or vigilant, or something in between. It is such a roller-coaster of emotions. I go from being thankful and hopeful to suspicious, skeptical and scared in a matter of minutes.

Thanks for reading my novel...any advice would be welcome.
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Old 12-15-2014, 07:47 PM
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Welcome. I'm glad you found SR. There's a lot of wisdom here. Have you tried al anon? I find it helpful to talk in person with others who have been in a similar situation.

My AH likes to go it on his own too. Unfortunately he hasn't been successful. I had to learn to focus on myself. AL Anon, therapy and books like Codependent No More have been helpful. Sometimes the little things like going for a walk or taking a bath reduce my anxiety.

Good luck to you both.
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Old 12-15-2014, 08:32 PM
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Hi Law,

Glad to hear that your husband's sobriety has brought peace and tranquility to your house. My husband is also currently sober from alcohol (though not for a medical reason), but because he is doing it for me. He also does not want to join any support groups. I do believe that a life threatening situation like your husband's can bring on longterm sobriety without any outside help. My husband's recovery, however, is more precarious since his bottom was not as serious as your husband's, and so I think that a program would benefit my husband. Good luck!
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Old 12-16-2014, 12:47 AM
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You've been through a lot recently Law! Welcome to SR. Catherine's reading suggestion is wise.

Some indeed do make a big change following a huge scare like your H. But you are the one feeling a little out of sorts and worried. I wonder if a counselor would help you just as an outlet to review the frightening outcomes of routine surgery and how his drinking was so hidden and had so many frightening consequences. I'd get a counselor with expertise in codependency and addiction.

I recommend Al Anon too. But you might find both resources together will really help you work on you.

I hope you check out a lot of threads here. I hope your H continues a healthy recovery!
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Old 12-16-2014, 01:22 AM
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My second husband went through a very similar experience (in his case he wound up in a coma for a week or two, liver and kidneys shut down, told IF he lived he would almost certainly need a liver transplant). Turned out when he got the liver biopsy he had signs of EARLY cirrhosis and if he quit drinking for good he could expect a long life.

A few months later he "slipped" a few times (he was going to AA), then went back to drinking as insanely as before. I eventually had to leave him.

I also know other people who simply DID stop drinking, no program, and appear to be fine. Rare, but it happens. Maybe they were not alcoholics but just heavy drinkers or maybe something else happened to them. Some people do have a "spiritual experience" of a different kind, seemingly. Time will tell.

In the meantime, Al-Anon can be very good for helping you get your own head on straight.
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Old 12-16-2014, 04:09 AM
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Thanks to Catherine628, JustBreathe1980, CodeJob and LexiCat: I will definitely check that book out. As for Al-Anon, I am considering it, but also want to start on sites like this. I do think he really intends to never drink again, but I know the power alcohol can have, especially if there are underlying reasons it began in the first place that aren't addressed.

As for my husband, after reading many posts on this site, I am more hopeful. I work long hours and travel for work; he takes care of everything at home, from groceries, to cooking hot meals every night, vacuuming the dog hair daily, to shuttling kids around. also made sure homework was done, school notices signed, and kids were accounted for. Real Mr Mom stuff.

Not your typical A who's passed out on the couch every afternoon, ignoring everything else. He says he didn't have his first drink until four or so in the afternoon, once all errands were done and he was getting dinner ready. He also did not drink until after he was done driving kids to their after school events (I did the pick up). So he was somewhat in control? He is going to start looking for a job in January (was laid off unrelated to drinking about a year ago). He needs to get out of the house-that will be a huge help.

My oldest son told him that if he goes back to drinking, he is moving out. He isn't going to stick around and watch him kill himself slowly. He also knows that I am here to support him as long as he stays sober. I hope he doesn't put alcohol above all that he has to lose, but as you said LExiCat, time will tell...
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Old 12-16-2014, 04:28 AM
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Originally Posted by lawinct View Post
Not your typical A who's passed out on the couch every afternoon, ignoring everything else. He says he didn't have his first drink until four or so in the afternoon, once all errands were done and he was getting dinner ready. He also did not drink until after he was done driving kids to their after school events (I did the pick up).
I want to point out that Alcoholism is progressive and he may just not be to the next stage yet and with his recent scare he may stop and never get there. You just really don't know and to be honest, neither does he.

Fear works on some forever and only for awhile for others.

I was like your husband for many years but as I continued to drink my disease continued to get worse. The once functioning alcoholic that I considered myself was barely functioning at my bottom.

As for trust, that takes time, lots of time. What I can suggest in the meantime is to try and live in the moment. If the morning is going good then soak up that good. Try not to worry about the afternoon or evening, just live in that morning until you are faced with the rest of the day. Many say one day at a time but sometimes we have to break it up more than that at the start.

I try to embrace the good times as much as I can and accept the bad times as much as I can. The bad does not erase the good but it can certainly feel that way at times.
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Old 12-16-2014, 06:59 AM
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All I can recommend is to let time pass and see that his actions back up his words. He may not need any outside help as he has seen the light in his own way and has conviction now.

For me you start to build up some trust, and then one step back crumbles the trust house of cards that was built. 6 months of nice can be extinguished with one evening or making a bad choice that breeds bad actions.
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Old 12-16-2014, 07:05 AM
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I don't want to give false hope, but I do believe some people get close enough to death that they can stop. There is nothing you can do to get trust back except for him to follow through and time, good clean time. You don't have to walk on eggshells all the time. Have a plan and let that be enough. Keep a wide support system.

Denial is very strong. He has opened up to others about his disease, that is a super good thing. Support and encourage him. Even if he does not want to go to AA, if he can have a friend who is close by who could as as a surrogate sponsor so to speak would be a good thing.

God bless to you and your family! Keep coming to SR, it is a great place of healing and support.
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Old 12-16-2014, 07:28 AM
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lawinct....reading "C0-dependent No More", as others suggested is a very good idea, I think.

I also suggest that you read all of the "stickies" that are listed at the top of this Friends and Family of Alcoholics page. Especially the ones in the section of "classic readings".
This is a virtual "crash course" in alcoholism and co-dependency. Most any question y ou have will be answered within these readings.
The reason that I say this is: Knowledge is always power.
And, also, you are going to need to know what you are up against if he were to return to drinking, again. You are going to need to know what to do (or not do) in either circumstance---whether he drinks or not!

I hope you find these thoughts of some help....

Please hang around and let us know how y ou are doing. There are lots of personal stories of others who have been in your shoes for you to read....

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Old 12-16-2014, 02:01 PM
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L- I am so happy for you that your husband is sober. But his sobriety has really nothing to do with you. You need to work your program. You have lived with an A for a very long time and obviously your son has been affected by his dads drinking. There is things like the trust issues that you need to learn to forgive him some how.

The problem if he doesn't work a program is, he becomes a dry drunk. He will become the person he was but just not drinking. He doesnt make amends for all the things he has put the family through over the years, or have support from non drinkers it might be harder for him to stay sober. Look on the A forum and see all the A's reaching out because they want to drink. I believe A's are born A's. I think that once he sees you getting help through alanon or SR then maybe he might reach out for help. You also can both go to an open AA meeting where just one person speaks, you just listen.

Have you ever talked to your oldest about what his father has done around the house when you werent there. Your whole family could use some kind of therapy, alateen or alanon. I don't want to open up a can of worms but just because an A stops drinking the problems don't just disappear.

Good luck and enjoy your sober husband, I am jealous!!
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Old 12-16-2014, 02:47 PM
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There are people who maintain sobriety without ever setting foot in the halls of AA. Those people have the strength and the knowledge of their life-and-death relationship with alcohol. They are few and far between, but they do exist. Reaching out and talking to others about his alcoholism is huge. Finding a therapist probably wouldn't be a bad idea to work out those underlying issues, but AA is not the be-all-end-all of sobriety. Plenty of active A's attend meetings. If your husband feels that it's not right for him but has that fire burning in him to never drink again, I fully believe he can do it.

I will note that I'm saying this because he really appears to be doing this FOR HIMSELF. If he was saying he was doing it for you or the family, I'd tell you to get the hospital's number on your speed-dial because it won't last. Sobriety entered into for anyone or anything other than the A themselves will crash and burn.
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Old 12-16-2014, 03:55 PM
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Thank you to all posters.

I am hopeful that we can overcome this together. Perhaps as Gracie Lou points out his disease had not progressed to the point of no return yet. He was very highly functioning and no one around us ever suspected that he was a problem drinker. Perhaps his body had a higher degree of dependency than his brain did. He is a kidney transplant recipient (13 years ago) who is on a lot of meds, so maybe that added to the severity of his detox.

He does appear to be doing this for himself-he wants to be there to walk our daughter down the aisle some day, and be there for them as a stronger father.

He also does not want everyone to change around him. He said it would make him feel awful if family members feel like they can't drink in front of him during the Holidays, including me, as he says it does not bother him to see others drinking. He thought about getting O'Douls for the Holidays but when we read that this is not good for A's he decided not to and will stick with straight soda or iced tea. He really seems to be strong. We'll see how the next two weeks go, as we will be around alcohol.

He wants to help me to regain trust-and is willing to do whatever it takes. He mentioned getting a breathalyzer so that I can test him if I ever suspect him of drinking-has anyone done this?

I know that I can't make him stay sober-he has to do it for him. I will follow advice and take it one day at a time, and pray a lot! I think that is what I am struggling the most with-the knowing that this is totally out of my control.
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Old 12-16-2014, 04:29 PM
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I tend to think he wasn't quite as "functional" at home as he would like to believe (or to make you believe), if your son is saying he's leaving if he goes back to drinking. Have you talked to your son about why he said that? It might be a good conversation to have. And maybe your son should talk to his dad about how the drinking affected him.

I would turn down the offer of the breathalyzer. You do NOT want to be in the position of being the "booze police."

I'm a sober alcoholic, myself (six years sober) and I think he would benefit from AA for the fellowship and guidance of other alcoholics. Stuff like whether O'Doul's is a good idea, for instance, or the advisability of being around alcohol socially early on. You don't want to be his "sponsor" or be researching stuff for him, either.

I really hope he stays sober, and he might very well do that. For me, AA has enriched my life in countless ways, way beyond just keeping me sober.
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Old 12-16-2014, 05:42 PM
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Thanks Lexie. My son did have a long conversation with RAH about why he didn't like to be around him when he was drinking. RAH would repeat himself a lot, would get overly sentimental or would be hyper critical. I think our son knows that if Dad starts to drink again, another round of withdrawal might actually prove to be fatal. Even if it isn't, none of us want to live through that horrible experience again.
I also think you are right-I don't want to become the police of his actions. He needs to do that on his own.
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Old 12-17-2014, 08:42 AM
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How can I learn to trust him again?
And you're supposed to trust ....... why? He must earn your trust now by staying sober. Realize that him saying he's never going to drink again may be something he believes right now but alcoholism is a compulsion, it's not a rational disease. I recommend Alanon, which is incredible support during a stressful time like this.
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